Not sure if red flags or not

LegacyUser

I recently decided I would give dating a go, a bit late to the game In my early 20s.

I met a girl from bumble and we chatted for a few hours in town and decided to meet again.
Plans scrapped by corona virus. She offered me to visit her house if we wanted to chat there for a bit instead.

Anyway we are getting on well so far and have started FaceTiming now.

Last night she said some things which I’m not so sure of..
We are very open when we talk anyway, we would discuss anything.

She has a lot of dating experience but mainly dated what she calls fck boys and is new to having a proper relationship and claims to be figuring out proper dating.

The issues:
She questions my integrity as a nice guy a lot, as she says she has been burned in the past

She says she finds me very attractive but not so much at the moment that she would “tear my clothes off” , since we only met once she wonders will this change with time

She stressed that when I come over she won’t have sex with me even though I never asked her to and never expected her to. She said she’s not sure if she will want to in the future but we will have to meet more times in person for her to figure that out. I thought it would be normal to meet many times and get to know each other before even discussing this?

Long story short, I have no dating experience. I was a bit taken aback by these comments and I’m not sure if they are red flags or just her being really open with me and trying to also figure out normal dating as opposed to her previous experiences.

?

Ticking and Bashing

Sounds like someone who'll mess with your head and waste your time. Really strange things to say. I can predict this being an endless chat type of thing and way too much being invested in it. Give her a chance anyways but keep your options open by chatting away with others and don't get too invested. By the sounds of it she's not overly into you anyways? Wouldn't you prefer to get to know someone who's more into you? Will that change for her I don't know? Sounds like she's cautious too given her past experience.

zapper55

She sounds like an absolute headwreck.

ILoveYourVibes

Newbiedater wrote: »

I recently decided I would give dating a go, a bit late to the game In my early 20s.

I met a girl from bumble and we chatted for a few hours in town and decided to meet again.
Plans scrapped by corona virus. She offered me to visit her house if we wanted to chat there for a bit instead.

Anyway we are getting on well so far and have started FaceTiming now.

Last night she said some things which I’m not so sure of..
We are very open when we talk anyway, we would discuss anything.

She has a lot of dating experience but mainly dated what she calls fck boys and is new to having a proper relationship and claims to be figuring out proper dating.

The issues:
She questions my integrity as a nice guy a lot, as she says she has been burned in the past

She says she finds me very attractive but not so much at the moment that she would “tear my clothes off” , since we only met once she wonders will this change with time

She stressed that when I come over she won’t have sex with me even though I never asked her to and never expected her to. She said she’s not sure if she will want to in the future but we will have to meet more times in person for her to figure that out. I thought it would be normal to meet many times and get to know each other before even discussing this?

Long story short, I have no dating experience. I was a bit taken aback by these comments and I’m not sure if they are red flags or just her being really open with me and trying to also figure out normal dating as opposed to her previous experiences.

?

She sounds like she has really low self respect and really poor social cues etc and just a lack of respect for YOU. Honestly I would tell her she needs to take time off to heal and come back mended with no deep wound etc.

I do think she is being totally open with you. But that is itself an issue. How do i put this .....i might date a guy i am not sure i am attracted to. But i wouldn't SAY that to him straight off.

Its mean.

Yes I would say she is trying to figure out normal dating. But that doesn't mean she gets to experiment on you.

She is damaged.

Also she isn't paying attention to HER gut instincts. She keeps questioning your integrity. So that means she doesn't trust you.

You should tell her to trust her gut and its telling her something is wrong ..you are not for her. And basically she isn't ready.

Her gut is telling HER something is wrong. And your gut is telling you something is wrong.

Neither of you trust the other. What does that tell you?

Her telling you there is no sex etc ..i wouldn't worry about that. She could just feel its right not to lead you on etc.

The rest is telling a tale of pain.

sunshinew

I don't think what she's said is too bad. It sounds as if she's telling you she just wants to take things slow and get to know you a bit before getting physical as she's been burned in the past.
Since a date in a pub is out right now, she's asked you to hers but wants to ensure you don't think it's a booty call. It takes a lot of trust to invite a man to her house at this stage so she's just trying - though somewhat clumsily - to tell you what to expect from her.
Hate to say it but lots of men promise the world to get a woman into bed and then disappear. This forum is full of stories of it. Of course she's going to take that experience and knowledge with her when approaching dating again and be more cautious. She's trying to be open about it instead of game playing. If you like her, there's no harm in meeting her again and see how that goes before making any decisions.

Idle Passerby

She sounds equally inexperienced in dating to be honest. That's not to say she doesnt have sexual experience but her comments are a little odd. It seems like she's not sure of how these things go either.

I'm a good bit older than you both but to me it does seem premature to make statements about whether she will want to have sex this early but I'm guessing that's because she's used to guys who only want sex and is trying to make it crystal clear that an invite to her house isn't an invite into her bed. She's probably preemptively warning you she wants to take it slow because she assumes all guys expect sex straight away is my guess. Telling you she isnt attracted to you yet is a bit socially inept. It's not unusual to be unsure of attraction so early on but there's no need for her to announce that to you at this stage.

I wouldn't really think any of it suggests flags per say, just that she's also a bit clueless about dating.

Kidchameleon

She sounds like a keeper to me. I'd persue this one OP

dubal

It's way to early to know anything. Just stop overthinking and enjoy.

Dubal

TheW1zard

Hit and quit

Ironicname

From the sound of it, you're definitely getting laid on the first date.

SuperS54

Newbiedater wrote: »

She stressed that when I come over she won’t have sex with me even though I never asked her to and never expected her to.

?

A friend told me that anytime a girl says that you can be sure that 9 times out of 10 that is exactly what she will be having with you when you go over...

leggo

SuperS54 wrote: »

A friend told me that anytime a girl says that you can be sure that 9 times out of 10 that is exactly what she will be having with you when you go over...

Not to bring the tone down but, to be fair, in my experience when a girl drops that into conversation it’s because that’s exactly where her mind is.

But girls who do this tend to also be headwreckers who should probably be avoided if you’re looking for anything serious. Like it’s literally a mixed message in itself: “Think about sex with me, even though you didn’t bring it up, then stop thinking about sex with me because it’s not gonna happen...unless it does...”

Feel free to have some fun with this girl OP, but take her seriously at your peril. She’s reading off the headwrecker playbook page-by-page already just based off what you’ve told us.

OwlsZat

Newbiedater wrote: »

I recently decided I would give dating a go, a bit late to the game In my early 20s.

I met a girl from bumble and we chatted for a few hours in town and decided to meet again.
Plans scrapped by corona virus. She offered me to visit her house if we wanted to chat there for a bit instead.

Anyway we are getting on well so far and have started FaceTiming now.

Last night she said some things which I’m not so sure of..
We are very open when we talk anyway, we would discuss anything.

She has a lot of dating experience but mainly dated what she calls fck boys and is new to having a proper relationship and claims to be figuring out proper dating.

The issues:
She questions my integrity as a nice guy a lot, as she says she has been burned in the past

She says she finds me very attractive but not so much at the moment that she would “tear my clothes off” , since we only met once she wonders will this change with time

She stressed that when I come over she won’t have sex with me even though I never asked her to and never expected her to. She said she’s not sure if she will want to in the future but we will have to meet more times in person for her to figure that out. I thought it would be normal to meet many times and get to know each other before even discussing this?

Long story short, I have no dating experience. I was a bit taken aback by these comments and I’m not sure if they are red flags or just her being really open with me and trying to also figure out normal dating as opposed to her previous experiences.

?

Low self confidence. Possibly distressed childhood or else some other serious trauma. Sounds like it's not severe and is something that can be improved. If you have a really good time when together make each other smile and laugh. Then stick with it, if your thinking the juice isn't worth the squeeze then leg it early.

Tired Gardener

It sounds like she has just been used for sex, so hasn't developed any real knowledge of being in a relationship. This may have caused her to have self respect issues, hence her saying what she said.

The take away from what she said seems to be that she wants to have a relationship with you, bit one that isn't based purely on just sex. At least she is being open and honest with you.

bitofabind

She's messed up and has major self-esteem issues, probably why she's previously been drawn to dickheads.

Pursue this at your peril, as she's clearly not someone who has healthy boundaries with men or who knows how to have a healthy relationship. She'll probably learn, with time, (or maybe not - lots of people never do), but I personally wouldn't really want to take that chance on someone that you've met like once. Why bother?

Big Bag of Chips

TheW1zard, welcome to Personal Issues.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting again. Your post falls very far short of the standard expected here.

Thanks

eldudebros

Some of the posts here are oddly personal, especially the guy saying a stranger we know little of is damaged...

Anyway, it all seems to be on her terms. To be honest, I'd check out only because I'd be bored out of my tree, especially if someone was questioning my intentions that early on. I hate that sh1te. Sure you're only getting to know one another, all that gut spewing and suspicion is exhausting. You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone, and never fall into that trap! People like that always widen the goal posts.

There's plenty of women (and men) who are good craic and keep stuff simple. Especially at the start when you could be having a laugh. Sure you're only in your early 20s! Save the deep conversations and dragging for when you're embroiled in a long termer or auld as the hills with excess baggage.

Just my 2 cents.

ILoveYourVibes

SuperS54 wrote: »

A friend told me that anytime a girl says that you can be sure that 9 times out of 10 that is exactly what she will be having with you when you go over...

So basically no means yes? That is a dangerous message to give out!

ILoveYourVibes

eldudebros wrote: »

To be honest, I'd check out only because I'd be bored out of my tree, especially if someone was questioning my intentions that early on. .

That is the thing you wouldn't be. She is keeping him on his toes and making him think.

He is in a knot. Its why girls like this are never single.

leggo

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

That is the thing you wouldn't be. She is keeping him on his toes and making him think.

He is in a knot. Its why girls like this are never single.

Actually girls like this make up probably the majority of the single market. People who can have healthy relationships and not resort to childish games like this...well, tend to be in healthy relationships. It’s not rocket science.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I just wanted to update you all. Thanks for your replies.

These did in fact turn out to be red flags and I go as far to say bullet dodged.

It was a difficult situation because on one hand we are both medical professionals with similar interests in and out of work. We were on the same page about a lot of things and definitely had a good connection.

.
However
She insulted me several more times.
Constantly questioned by integrity and honesty
Kept telling me she didn’t want to have sex with me, I told her I didn’t think this was appropriate at all to discuss at this point and that it was upsetting to hear.
Assaulted me on FaceTime over not messaging as I was busy with work
Icing on the cake, blocked me because I wouldn’t visit her today due to the corona virus and working in primary care I want to be responsible about my social distancing as I have seen a lot of patients.

Anyway, to anyone else starting dating, here is my lesson learned - when you find someone who you have a good connection with don’t be blind to red flags. Ask yourself is it the idea of being in a relationship that’s making you happy or actually being in one with this person. Finally don’t forget that you have just as much to offer to a person as they do to you, so when someone crosses your line , don’t bite your tongue! You should feel excitement and trepidation going on another date, if you are dreading going on the date - there is probably something wrong and be honest with yourself!

Feel free to disagree, just my experience.

On to better experiences I hope!

Kylta

When you say your new to dating, does that mean your new to relationships or looking for a relationship? If its just dating why are you just dating one person.