Am I completely stupid?

afterglow

Hi all

Stupid covid19 has me all of a muddle hoping for some advice
Some years ago, I was befriended by a group of people, similar to me, we’re all disabled
I went to meet too of the people from the group, we all hung out online, using google hangouts
The weekend I went, I was taking antibiotics for a water infection
One of the couple’s friends, came to the house, during the day, we chatted away, I thought nothing of it
He asked me what my drink of choice was, i answered, next thing i know, he’s back, with said drink, I drank, which i know i shouldn’t have done, next thing i know, this guy, who i didn’t even fancy, or know, was all over me, and I’m doing all sorts
I was so out of it
The thing is i have always maintained, still do, that this guy knew what he was doing, and he came with an agenda back to the house that night
Every time i think of it, it makes me feel dirty and disgusting
Afterwards, the guy of the couple pretty much said the same thing
That i was a sl*t etc
I don’t think that’s fair though
I know i shouldn’t have drank, yes i accept that, but to me, what happened was completely out of order
I was very very very down over Christmas and somehow, ended up telling my family what happened
Not my wisest decision or finest hour
Just yesterday, i went back on hangouts with the group with the couple in it
Literally haven’t talked to them for ages before that, and today, i answered a phone call from that guy who didn’t treat me very nicely after ‘ the incident ‘
My family went crazy when i told them who was on the phone
Saying they’re not friends, they set it up, which i hope isn’t true, but i never really gave it much thought before
That if the girl was really a true friend, she wouldn’t have allowed it to happen
Now the thing is, I could take or leave him, but the girl i do like, and would like to be friends with, but husband always on hangouts also
Am i being completely naive, even thinking we could ever be friends again?
There’s other stuff too, but that’s a whole another thread
Thanks in advance for responses, and please, be kind i already feel bad and stupid enough as it is

the14thwarrior

please please don't feel bad or stupid.
I can't offer more advice just at the minute, but it sounds like you were taken advantage of at the very very least.
it was really awful what happened to you.
please, take it from me please be kind to yourself.
be kind to you

zapper55

I'm glad you told your family. That couple are people you should keep away from, he took advantage and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

And drinking doesnt give anyone permission to do what he did. It sounds like he either drugged the drink or it was laced with strong alcohol.

Rubberchikken

I'm glad you told someone but you need to stay away from these people.
He's definitely done something no one in their right mind would be happy with.

Find better friends, people with respect for you.

ILoveYourVibes

You should stay away from the couple. Any woman married to a guy like you don't need in your life.

A good guy would protect a person vulnerable from drink not take advantage. I don't know if it was planned or laced it doesn't matter his behavior is ...not ok ...he is in a couple ..you are out of it etc ..he gives you the drink ..

Its all wrong.

Yes i think you are naive in being the girl's friend.

I am glad you told your family. I hope you feel better.

afterglow

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You should stay away from the couple. Any woman married to a guy like you don't need in your life.

A good guy would protect a person vulnerable from drink not take advantage. I don't know if it was planned or laced it doesn't matter his behavior is ...not ok ...he is in a couple ..you are out of it etc ..he gives you the drink ..

Its all wrong.

Yes i think you are naive in being the girl's friend.

I am glad you told your family. I hope you feel better.

hi
Just to be clear, it was the ' friend ' of the couple, not the guy who was married who took advantage
I still feel disgusting
Its awful
Makes me feel dirty and horrible every time I think of what happened.
The guy from the couple, said I was a disgrace for suggesting his friend took advantage, that's what we're dealing with

Kylta

afterglow wrote: »

hi
Just to be clear, it was the ' friend ' of the couple, not the guy who was married who took advantage
I still feel disgusting
Its awful
Makes me feel dirty and horrible every time I think of what happened.
The guy from the couple, said I was a disgrace for suggesting his friend took advantage, that's what we're dealing with

My advice to you is to blank all of these people. In this equasion if the knew you were not compis mentis she should have put a stop to this. Has you say you were out of it while at this party, unbeknownst to yourself you could have led him on. Saying that he still shouldn't have took advantage of you in that situation.
but I'lI say again these people are no ****ing use make new friends, and try not be to hard on yourself. We all make mistakes.

lozenges

The way I see it here two things are possible.
The couple in question know or suspected this guy took advantage of you, and are defending him and gaslighting you.
Or, they genuinely believe that you consented (e.g. didn't appear to them as drunk as you felt) and feel that you are being malicious and trying to ruin their friends good name.

Either way unfortunately I think maintaining the friendship in the future is not going to be possible. You have to cut contact with them for your own good and wellness. It will be hard but there is inevitably going to be bitterness and nastiness between you otherwise (in fact there already is). Also assuming option 1 is the case then they are really not the kind of people you want in your life anyway.

afterglow

lozenges wrote: »

The way I see it here two things are possible.
The couple in question know or suspected this guy took advantage of you, and are defending him and gaslighting you.
Or, they genuinely believe that you consented (e.g. didn't appear to them as drunk as you felt) and feel that you are being malicious and trying to ruin their friends good name.

Either way unfortunately I think maintaining the friendship in the future is not going to be possible. You have to cut contact with them for your own good and wellness. It will be hard but there is inevitably going to be bitterness and nastiness between you otherwise (in fact there already is). Also assuming option 1 is the case then they are really not the kind of people you want in your life anyway.

think its option 1 unfortunately. They knew I was on antibiotics.
I appreciate your reply

LegacyUser

Could you clear up maybe as I think people replying aren't sure what they're replying to

I'm reading that there was no party but simply a friend of a friend of yours, who knew you weren't drinking, arrived at your house with drink encouraging you to get drunk. It was just the two of you in the house at the time.

He then, in your opinion, took advantage of you in your drunken state and when you told your mutual friends this, they said you were a slut.

Is that what happened?

If so, I think that on the very limited detail you've given, I would agree with you that the man in question knew what he was doing. Furthermore, I think that if your friends are calling you a slut for having even fully consented sexual encounters with a man in your own home, then they are not friends at all.

For one, you are entitled to have sex freely as you wish without being called a slut by your so called friends, and for two you if you were taken advantage of they could show at least at little sympathy to you without even needing to take your side.

You are better off without any of these people in your life from your story as difficult as that may be.

Take care of yourself and don't feel badly about yourself for this.

Big Bag of Chips

afterglow, your post is unclear. Was it only you and this guy back at your house? Your family say the woman is not a real friend as she "let this happen". Was she there? If not, she didn't let anything happen. If she was there, maybe she didn't realise that you were more affected by the alcohol than you normally would be.

If the couple didn't witness anything then they are hearing two different versions. If their friend is a long standing friend, and you are someone they met through an online group it is more likely, unfortunately, that they will take his word as someone they know better than you. That doesn't mean that they haven't had words with him about how foolish his behaviour was.

You say this a happened a few years ago. What has happened in the meantime? Are you still part of the group? Have you ever seen them, met up with them since?

You are the only one who can judge the intentions of the couple. It could be possible for you to maintain a friendship with them away from their friend. You can still text the woman and meet up with her in future if you want. You don't need your family's permission and you don't need to have anything to do with the other fella.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, I've reread again and it seems you were at the couple's house when the friend came back.

That changes things a little. Only you can decide if you want to maintain a friendship. You can delete the husband from hangouts and just text his wife if that's what you want. This is a time when you need to make your own judgement call if she's worth maintaining contact with.

afterglow

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

afterglow, your post is unclear. Was it only you and this guy back at your house? Your family say the woman is not a real friend as she "let this happen". Was she there? If not, she didn't let anything happen. If she was there, maybe she didn't realise that you were more affected by the alcohol than you normally would be.

If the couple didn't witness anything then they are hearing two different versions. If their friend is a long standing friend, and you are someone they met through an online group it is more likely, unfortunately, that they will take his word as someone they know better than you. That doesn't mean that they haven't had words with him about how foolish his behaviour was.

You say this a happened a few years ago. What has happened in the meantime? Are you still part of the group? Have you ever seen them, met up with them since?

You are the only one who can judge the intentions of the couple. It could be possible for you to maintain a friendship with them away from their friend. You can still text the woman and meet up with her in future if you want. You don't need your family's permission and you don't need to have anything to do with the other fella.

Hi big bag of chips
Sorry for the ambiguity I’ll try clear up
This happened at the couple’s house, they were present for most of it
They say that they tried to make me stop, i don’t remember that happening
Also next morning and only next morning did they reveal to me that he had a girlfriend
I was single at the time, repulsed though, as this guy was way too old for me, and as I’ve already stated, i didn’t fancy him in the slightest, if i did, I’d just put it down as a drunken fumble but i didn’t and so can’t do that
He was also very aggressive during what went on, when i returned home, people remarked on how i had physical evidence of what had happened on my skin
I do remember trying to make him stop because what he was doing hurt, in more place than one, and i obviously didn’t want what happened, but he wouldn’t stop

The couple also said that i got up to go to the loo, and returned to ‘ the scene of events ‘ again, not something i remember
As already stated, the guy from the couple called me a slut more than once, and doesn’t and didn’t agree with the assertion that i was taken advantage of, i maintain i was, because i didn’t lead him on in any way shape or form during the day or the evening, he initiated all physical contact etc
I did participate at some points, i have no idea why, as there was no pleasure gotten from anything at any point
I still can’t believe it happened, even all these years later.
I hope this clears some things up

Hannibal_Smith

Did the guy from the couple call you a sl*t after you told them your side of what happened? It could possibly be that he's sticking up for the friend? If so, he hasn't been much of a friend to you. You don't respond to a friend in a scenario like this by calling them a sl*t.

Did you drop contact with them afterwards, or did they drop contact with you?

To them, if they only saw snippets of you that night, they may not know the full story, but again, even at that they didn't accept what you said and insulted you in response.

Sometimes when things like this happen, it's difficult to process it at the time, so it comes back at you again down the line and I would guess that's why you're talking about it now. You're doing nothing wrong, it doesn't matter when it happened, you're doing the right thing trying to process it.

I wouldn't be friends with them again. Admittedly, I don't know how Google Hangouts works and I don't know whether it was the guy from the couple, or the guy in question that called you, but I would listen to your family on this one. These friends brought you nothing good but instead an incredibly disturbing night that is upsetting you years later, name calling when you told them about it and you've survived X amount of time until now without them. I would leave them where they've been this past while and maybe talk to some one, whether it be family, gp or counsellor about what happened that night so it stops tormenting you.

Meauldsegosha

Is this the same couple from your previous thread?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057085600

If it is you should just stay away from them.

afterglow

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Is this the same couple from your previous thread?

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057085600

If it is you should just stay away from them.

nope
Another bad choice I've made, it seems
contact naturally just fell away, then I was chatting with the girl the other day, and she gave me details of some conferencing software where they were hanging out
Literally only happened 2 days ago.
I think with lock-down Just feeling a bit lonely, hence my lapse in judgement
Thanks for the responses so far

ILoveYourVibes

afterglow wrote: »

hi
Just to be clear, it was the ' friend ' of the couple, not the guy who was married who took advantage
I still feel disgusting
Its awful
Makes me feel dirty and horrible every time I think of what happened.
The guy from the couple, said I was a disgrace for suggesting his friend took advantage, that's what we're dealing with

You still don't want to be friends with people who keep company like that.


Trust me.

Nothing surprises me now

What did the guy ring you for?

HildaOgdenx

From your previous threads in PI, you were going to seek counselling, for various issues, if I remember correctly.
This latest scenario that you describe, is something that I imagine you would find helpful and therapeutic to talk out with a professional.

Given the current restrictions I understand that many counsellors have set up alternative ways to arrange sessions with clients, such as via Skype and FaceTime.

If you have not already sought counselling, I would advise that you do so.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057956018

Hi afterglow,
You have set up a number of threads recently in PI. I understand the current situation is stressful for everyone and makes thing difficult, however this has been going on for longer than that. We don't believe PI can help you at this stage and request that you refrain from posting any more threads. We may review this at some stage in the future however that would be a long way off.

I would like to suggest you get in contact with some kind of long distance counsellor. As has been mentioned above, I think there are places with alternative arrangements at the moment.
All the best.