Incredibly sad and lost

LegacyUser

I'm 30 years old and by now I thought I'd have my life in order but instead I feel completely and utterly lost.

When I was younger, say early to mid twenties, I was bright, sociable, and I guess you could say attractive. I probably seemed like someone who had potential to go far and I thought I would, but I didn't.

I am now an alcoholic and all attempts to get better have failed so far. AA didn't work, therapy didn't work, the self help books haven't worked. I have a Skype session with an addictions counsellor this week which I'm really really hoping will help but I'm so scared it won't. Alcohol is all consuming and is ruining my life but I'm trying to get better.

I've also had a string of unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships. The last one was so painful that I feel there is nothing left of who I am. But these are the types of partners I attract. The partner I had before my most recent one emotionally abused me to the point I cut myself off from my feelings just to survive it, and I wonder if maybe I never returned to myself and that's why I don't feel much anymore.

These seem to be my two issues: relationships and alcohol. I can't seem to go without either. As soon as my recent relationship ended I was straight on Tinder. Not because I wanted to, but because I was so frightened of the feeling of emptiness I felt being alone. The one positive about alcohol right now is my compulsion is no longer as strong since getting out of my previous relationship. Not much, but at least I'm no longer drinking all day.

Overall I'm just going through the motions everyday, seeming high functioning, but inside I feel nothing. I feel like a ghost. I am envious of my family members who are married with children, they seem happy. And I'm alone and lost, searching for meaning but finding nothing. I feel as though I've given up completely on myself. Like I want to get better but I also don't.

I don't want to sound victim like but that's how I feel.

My biggest fear is that I'll become my mother. She gave up on herself many years ago. She doesn't take care of her mental or physical health. She is sick very often and doesn't leave the house. I have to care for her a lot because she doesn't want to do it for herself. I don't live at home thankfully, but I visit. (Before Covid-19 that is) My brother is the same, he doesn't care for himself or leave the home much.

My childhood wasn't easy, my mother struggled massively to care for us so we were neglected physically and emotionally. I guess this is why I have this void now.

I don't want to be like this. I'm desperate to have a good life. I just don't know how.

I guess I wondered if anyone had any advice? Just writing all this out has helped to be honest. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place.

Hey..

Look, you are aware of the problems..that's the first step really, so that's a positive.. speaking as someone who was pretty much in a very similar situation with alcohol and relationships, the first thing you should try to address is the alcohol.. after that you can work on yourself, and maybe then you'll attract better relationships..

I know AA can be kind of annoying /daunting, especially for someone your age..I go to NA, and the demographic is way better.. maybe that might be an option?.. Like, tbh I think the meetings work.. It's the one thing I would suggest, but having said that, I know it doesn't work for everyone, and I know they can be annoying, but yeah, they can keep your head where it should be,..

Look, you can totally do this.. you're young.. you can still have a good life..you can do it now, or you can do it in another 10 years.. you've probably been trying to do it for years..but you can do it..I think once a person gets to the stage where it has to do be addressed, well, it has to be.. you can either do it, or not..you can do it today or when you're 40.. there's 10 more years of positive development this way..who knows what how you'd feel in a year if you stopped now?..

But yeah, it's hard.. your life just kind of revolves around it now.. but like, the world can change around you..it's weird..

When this has been addressed you'll have to deal with yourself, and your other issues or whatever, and then maybe relationships.. Maybe you should consider some kind of counselling or something too..

Anyway.. best of luck with it..do try to give it a go.. whenever..and if you slip, just start again..

Yeah, maybe try these online AA zoom meetings?..

https://aaom.ie/meetings-list

Anyway, mind yourself..

john9876

Obviously you need to see a psychologist/psychotherapist/psychiatrist to try and resolve the childhood trauma that you have gone through.
This may take many years.

I've found the following books by Robert Firestone very helpful in this area
Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice
and
The Fantasy Bond.

Good luck.

8kczg9v0swrydm

sadlost wrote: »

I'm 30 years old and by now I thought I'd have my life in order but instead I feel completely and utterly lost.

When I was younger, say early to mid twenties, I was bright, sociable, and I guess you could say attractive. I probably seemed like someone who had potential to go far and I thought I would, but I didn't.

I am now an alcoholic and all attempts to get better have failed so far. AA didn't work, therapy didn't work, the self help books haven't worked. I have a Skype session with an addictions counsellor this week which I'm really really hoping will help but I'm so scared it won't. Alcohol is all consuming and is ruining my life but I'm trying to get better.

I've also had a string of unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships. The last one was so painful that I feel there is nothing left of who I am. But these are the types of partners I attract. The partner I had before my most recent one emotionally abused me to the point I cut myself off from my feelings just to survive it, and I wonder if maybe I never returned to myself and that's why I don't feel much anymore.

These seem to be my two issues: relationships and alcohol. I can't seem to go without either. As soon as my recent relationship ended I was straight on Tinder. Not because I wanted to, but because I was so frightened of the feeling of emptiness I felt being alone. The one positive about alcohol right now is my compulsion is no longer as strong since getting out of my previous relationship. Not much, but at least I'm no longer drinking all day.

Overall I'm just going through the motions everyday, seeming high functioning, but inside I feel nothing. I feel like a ghost. I am envious of my family members who are married with children, they seem happy. And I'm alone and lost, searching for meaning but finding nothing. I feel as though I've given up completely on myself. Like I want to get better but I also don't.

I don't want to sound victim like but that's how I feel.

My biggest fear is that I'll become my mother. She gave up on herself many years ago. She doesn't take care of her mental or physical health. She is sick very often and doesn't leave the house. I have to care for her a lot because she doesn't want to do it for herself. I don't live at home thankfully, but I visit. (Before Covid-19 that is) My brother is the same, he doesn't care for himself or leave the home much.

My childhood wasn't easy, my mother struggled massively to care for us so we were neglected physically and emotionally. I guess this is why I have this void now.

I don't want to be like this. I'm desperate to have a good life. I just don't know how.

I guess I wondered if anyone had any advice? Just writing all this out has helped to be honest. Sorry if it's a bit all over the place.

Hi sadlost,

Thanks for speaking up, these first steps are always tough. Just wanted to say that already from your post you come across as a lovely person and I am sure that many people are happy to have you in their life.

The good news: all is not lost! You are still a young person and the world is in many ways your oyster. Life can be tough, but it is also so joy filled and beautiful, you just have to learn to tap into that. I think a lot of your problems might be coming from poor self image, a feeling of worthlessness. Many people experience this and it leads them down all sorts of bad paths, especially in relationships. This is something that you will have to work on: loving yourself and loving others in a proper and fitting way (ie not allowing them to abuse you). This will come with time.

While a counselor may be a good step, I can tell you what did wonders for me, personally. In my early 20s I began to pray, read the Bible, go to Confession, Mass - take my faith seriously. I am a totally different person today to who I was before and boy am I grateful (:

<snipped>

Tokyo

Mod: @Deus Caritas Est - as per the forum charter, please don't invite/initiate PM exchanges with the OP.

Kylta

Just take one step/day at a time. I don't know if you have being in places to help you dry out. There are places around Ireland that take you in and help you dry out, ( there is one in athy my brother was there, can't think of the name of it, Sister something). But if you can get yourself sorted with the drink, hopefully a bit of counselling will help you find a meaning to life. I believe if today is horrible, tomorrow can be heaven. Just take it one day at a time. Best of luck poster, stay safe.