Mother always looking for money

LegacyUser

Hi im a 30 year old woman and I still live at home as im saving. I work full time, pay 40 euro rent each week to my parents, buy all of my own grocery shopping, save a bit each week in the credit union, put money aside for a car as im learning to drive and any money Ive left over I treat myself to either a night out with friends, a takeaway at home or ill buy something online like makeup or clothes.
I put myself through college twice, the first time was during the recession and my susi grant was cut. I was so poor I was buying tesco value pizza and splitting it up to last me the week. I lost so much weight and all my clothes were in tatters. I think because of this experience of being so broke and never being able to afford anything when I started earning enough that allowed me to have some disposable money, I really enjoyed being able to buy nice things but it also made me careful with money and I always save for my future so im not stuck again.
The second time I went to college, I had been working and saving so paid all my fees myself and all my expenses.
When learning to drive I paid for all my lessons and im currently saving for a car and insurance, my parents wouldnt let me practice in either of their car's or get insured on their cars, they gave me no help at all in learning how to drive.
The only time they helped me out financially was in college my first time they helped me pay for my accommodation. They were worse than a bank, ringing me up to tell me how much I owed them. I eventually paid the money back over time and at one stage was paying them back out of my dole. I considered getting a loan just to get my mother off my back. She was ringing me up about the money while I was still in college and literally living off change. When I moved home I signed on the dole until I got a job, I got back dated a few weeks so got 1000 euro. I gave her over 500 of it and saved the rest. That still wasnt good enough for her and wanted she more.

Now when I buy things for myself my mother passes remarks and questions how much things I buy cost, she asks me how much I get paid and questions me when she sees I got a payslip in the post. It's almost as if she feels entitled to my money and its always been like this. Any disposal income I have, she feels I should be giving it to her. She questioned me last week asking how much I got paid - I got 500 for two full weeks work after I got taxed too much, she then said I should be handing her up more money. I told her I only got 500 to last me two weeks and im saving, she looked at me said 'sure you don't go anywhere.'

She had a fight with me a few months ago over money, I told her im buying my own groceries and giving her 40 every week, she shouted back at me 'What am I supposed to do with that? go on a holiday?' - both my parents work full time theyre paying for my younger brother through college and never ask him for anything, he wont get a job to even try and support himself. Yet when I spend my own earned money, my mother reacts like the money is coming out of her pocket. I feel guilty when I get paid or when I buy anything for myself. I feel like ive done something wrong and when I get paid, I feel bad for it and I shouldnt feel that way.

I suppose im just wondering how I can get them to back off? my mother especially...
Thanks

zapper55

It sounds like she doesnt think 40 a week is enough and this is her way of hinting at it. Ignore all the messing you've mentioned, sit her down and chat to her, ask her how much does she want a week. Honestly I think 160 a month for rent and utilities is a very low amount to be paying your parents but then again depends on your salary.

And yes it does sound like a double standard with your brother and you might not like it but their house, their rules.

Batgurl

Move out?

€40 a week doesn’t seem like much rent. Was that figure suggested by your parents or by you? How does it compare to current owner occupier rates in your area?

Ask them what they feel an appropriate rent figure should be and then benchmark it against current market rates. If you are paying less than current market rates, then you just have to suck it up.

While I understand you are at home to try and save for a house, this is a privilege not a right. Your parents don’t “owe” you this. Sure it’s easy to be jealous of friends whose parents allow them to do this but it’s not for everyone.

amdublin

Could you move out? What would a room in a house in the same area cost to rent?

Or could you increase the rent you pay your mother. $160 seems quite low.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you should have a chat with her. If you're giving her €40 a week, for food, electricity water etc and then she sees stuff you've ordered online, it could feel like a bit of a kick to her.

At the same time if she feels you're not handing up enough, she could just say it rather than going about it the way she is.

At the end of the day, are you being fair in what you contribute? You parents aren't supposed to help with things like cars and driving lessons. I've certainly never heard of anyone doing it. But maybe it's the done thing now?

Ticking and Bashing

€40 a week is less than €6 a day. That's embarrassing. You also don't mention anything about paying bills. Also you're comparing yourself to your younger brother still in College. At 30 years old your parents have supported you long enough.

The only way to 'get them to back off' (as you put it) is to match whatever rent is paid locally or else move out. Your mother is totally reasonable.

Shop40

I can understand your frustration OP and see where you’re coming from. I think the best thing to do, like others have said, is sit down with your mother and agree a weekly figure that she’s happy with. €40 a week is very low, try offering €60 and see how things go maybe? My mother was the same about rent. I put myself through college too (rent, food etc etc) and lived at home for a few months after I graduated. I could sense my mother wasn’t satisfied with how much I was paying, 60 pounds a week at the time, so I moved out and didn’t look back. Yes some parents let their adult offspring live at home for free or a pittance, but not all and that’s their prerogative. Good luck!

OP, I'm 6 years older than you and what I pay in rent in a month you pay in a year.

I moved out at 19. I couldn't fathom still living at home. I honestly can't wrap my head around it - and I get on really well with my parents.

I spent two weeks home over Christmas and felt in need of a holiday after it.

Living in a crappy house share is something we all have to do. Its a rite of passage. Come to think of it, my first house share in a box room 17 years ago, was more than 160 a month.

Once this lockdown is over, start house hunting.

TheW1zard

Yeah 40 quid a week isnt enough. Plus your 30 you should be on your own two feet.

cannotlogin

Could you source alternative accommodation at the same price?

If you can, I suggest you do.
If you can't, you're taking advantage.

o1s1n

OP I don't mean to come across as overly harsh, but you post reads like it was written by someone ten years younger than you.

Time to start looking to cut the apron strings and move out.

Big Bag of Chips

If you want to go back to college as an adult then you should support yourself. I had moved out and had a mortgage by the time I learnt to drive. (I was 24 learning to drive btw) and I paid for my own lessons, eventually got a car and paid my own tax and insurance. Why wouldn't I? I was an independent adult.

You are 30. You are in a position to be able to save AND buy things to treat yourself. You can do this because your parents are subsidising your lifestyle. You know what your mother is like about money. It's nothing new. But paying up €40 a week at home is a damn good deal and you know it. If you didn't feel you were getting a good deal you'd have moved out, rented yourself or in a houseshare and not have to listen to your mother.

What are you intending to do with your savings, and how much have you saved? Can you move out and rent?

AulWan

Move out.

Xterminator

Hi OP

my unemployed son handed up more a week than you do. from his dole. i am not having a go, but look at the situation from a neutral perspective. You are being subsidised by your parents by any standard. assuming you are contributing to 1/3 of all household bills - as the 3 morking adults in the house, how much do you think is left over after that? 50 euro a month? if even that.

so if its doing your head in, price how much you will be paying to get a room in a house share, where you WILL pay market rent and your share o the bills. id suggest nothing kess that 100pw.

And OP if you cant get along with your parents and co-exist then do move out.

LegacyUser

Same age pay 700 a month for room in house share. Add another hundreds month for bills. Can't afford to drive therefore don't. Last time lived at home gave 500 a month to then working parents, own deciding and of own free will. You literally cannot go anywhere and you've money coming in contribute more to the household. Move out and you'll soon get a reality check.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks everyone for the replies. You're right, I do need to hand up more and, even though im not earning allot of money, I earn under 20,000 a year, I can still afford to hand up more. I am being selfish. I think from being stuck in the house and not having work, hobbies or friends around, it's giving me too much time to think. Also most of my friends are supported in some way by their families and I think I just compare myself to them sometimes.

You have really given me something to think about and I will start contributing more to the household.

Thanks again.

Loveinapril

Moneyissues wrote: »

OP here

Thanks everyone for the replies. You're right, I do need to hand up more and, even though im not earning allot of money, I earn under 20,000 a year, I can still afford to hand up more. I am being selfish. I think from being stuck in the house and not having work, hobbies or friends around, it's giving me too much time to think. Also most of my friends are supported in some way by their families and I think I just compare myself to them sometimes.

You have really given me something to think about and I will start contributing more to the household.

Thanks again.

I don't know any people in their 30's being subsidised by their parents, it is very unusual. Also, with two stints in college you should absolutely be earning more! Your post definitely screams entitlement, it seems like you think you are a martyr paying for college and your OWN driving lessons/ car. This is real life! Especially for someone of your age. I definitely understand where your mother is coming from in being annoyed if you spend money on yourself. If you have the cash to buy make up or spend money on nights out then you should absolutely be giving her/ them more money. The fact that your parents are working doesn't mean they should support a grown working woman.

noodler

Loveinapril wrote: »

I don't know any people in their 30's being subsidised by their parents, it is very unusual. Also, with two stints in college you should absolutely be earning more! Your post definitely screams entitlement, it seems like you think you are a martyr paying for college and your OWN driving lessons/ car. This is real life! Especially for someone of your age. I definitely understand where your mother is coming from in being annoyed if you spend money on yourself. If you have the cash to buy make up or spend money on nights out then you should absolutely be giving her/ them more money. The fact that your parents are working doesn't mean they should support a grown working woman.

How is that helpful one post after the OP took all the advice on the chin?

Read the room.

Big Bag of Chips

noodler, if you have an issue with a post report it rather than dragging the thread off topic.

Please read the Forum Charter stickied at the top of the forum to remind yourself of the posting rules in Personal Issues.

Thanks.

Yellow pack crisps

You should definitely seek independence. I gather the problem is how you are treated differently than your brother. Also your mother seems quite mean spirited. Accommodation is a problem in this country. Any decent parent wouldn’t mind their kid living at home while saving to eventually sustain their living needs.

AulWan

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Any decent parent wouldn’t mind their kid living at home while saving to eventually sustain their living needs.

I think the mother's problem is the OP says she is saving "a bit" while also spending money on herself. She mentions she buys clothes, makeup, has nights out, and takeaways, while also putting money aside for a car. But then she skimps on making a reasonable contribution towards the household on the grounds that she is saving. I can see how this would annoy her mother.

But fair play to the OP, she has taken the comments on board.

august12

I can't fathom why so many people have sided with the mother, reading back over the OPs original post, this is not the behaviour I would expect from a caring, loving mother, constant ringing looking for money while her daughter was in college, no help with driving by not allowing her the use of their cars while learning to drive, this is normal stuff most parents would do for their children. I have two adult children and provided for their education without expecting any pay back, same when they both learned to drive. The only aspect I have an issue with, is currently living at home at 30, OP should move out, it's good to be independent, one learns so many life skills. And given she has been in college twice, present income is extremely low. Not sure how realistic it would be to afford rent on that salary.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn’t necessarily say people have sided with your mother, OP. But the fact is, she is the way she is. So telling you she should have done more or given you more isn’t actually helpful to you, as she didn’t, and she won’t. So the only thing left is to advise you on how to change your situation.

I do believe €40 a week is too little for an earning adult to be paying for their accommodation. But I think if you started giving your mother €100 a week towards your keep she would still find reason to comment on your life and spending.

There’s a reason why people mostly move out and move on at a certain age. You are an adult woman. But your mother still sees you as a dependent child. You really really should look to move out to a house share as soon as possible. You won’t be as financially well off, obviously. But there really is more to adult living then having a stash of savings in the bank while you remain sleeping in your childhood bedroom answering to an overbearing parent.

Stateofyou

I'm actually shocked to read the replies here. I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think your parents come off as mean, unsupportive, and show complete favouritism of your brother vs you. I think your mother is looking for more money because unlike in your case when you were in college, they are looking after your brother's fees, living, food, other costs - everything! Actually scratch that- you're the one contributing to your brother's college too because it seems that without your contribution, they find it hard to support themselves and your brother too.
I went to college on my own also; paid for everything myself with a nearly full time job while trying to stay on top of schoolwork. It was really tough going but I'm proud to say I did it. There were many stressful nights, sleepless nights wondering if I'd have enough money to eat and pay bills and sometimes I didn't. At times I barely made it. That isn't what any parent should want for their child. I would have done even better if I had any support whatsoever, so when it comes time for my kids to go, I will do all I can to help them achieve their best. Reading the part where you basically starved and lived in rags while your brother is completely financially supported made for shocking reading. And as for the comments putting you down being 30 and living at home you should ignore. There is a housing crisis which those here well know, accommodation is difficult to impossible for most at the moment. The mean spirited comments here I can only attribute to people's stress levels in lockdown and taking their frustrations out on you.
When my children go to college, I won't have them suffering or made to feel guilty if it's tough to launch because of the state of the economy and housing market.
OP, I would have a chat with your mother, confront the issue of disparities between you and your sibling, and everyone should lay their cards on the table so to speak. That's what I would do in your position. Best of luck.

Stateofyou

Moneyissues wrote: »

OP here

Thanks everyone for the replies. You're right, I do need to hand up more and, even though im not earning allot of money, I earn under 20,000 a year, I can still afford to hand up more. I am being selfish. I think from being stuck in the house and not having work, hobbies or friends around, it's giving me too much time to think. Also most of my friends are supported in some way by their families and I think I just compare myself to them sometimes.

You have really given me something to think about and I will start contributing more to the household.

Thanks again.

Yes, and that is normal. Most of my friends and their siblings were supported and absolutely none of my closest friends moved out of their parents. home until they married in their early 30's. Same goes for my cousins and 2 of them are still there in the 40's (extenuating circumstances) but the parents are only delighted-they get on well so they're all happy enough with that. Seeing as your parents didn't help you at all in school whilst giving your brother an easy ride, you're even enough all things considered.

amdublin

Some parents are happy to support their adult children. Some are not.

Seems like the op's parents fall into the latter camp.

AulWan

Stateofyou wrote: »

Yes, and that is normal. Most of my friends and their siblings were supported and absolutely none of my closest friends moved out of their parents. home until they married in their early 30's. Same goes for my cousins and 2 of them are still there in the 40's (extenuating circumstances) but the parents are only delighted-they get on well so they're all happy enough with that. Seeing as your parents didn't help you at all in school whilst giving your brother an easy ride, you're even enough all things considered.

Parents are not obliged to maintain their adult children once they are beyond the age of 18 let alone subsidise them into their thirties and beyond. If they do, its at their discretion.

As for living at home until you get married?

Totally not normal.

rolling boh

You have to earn more your salary is very low so you will have trouble moving on anywhere really but the amount you hand up is pretty small .Getting fixed up with a car is hardly a real luxury in this country as it will give you a few options maby .Plenty of parents are still helping their offspring maby more than will come on here and admit it .It would be better if you could move out obviously but in the current conditions it will be difficult .

Stateofyou

amdublin wrote: »

Some parents are happy to support their adult children. Some are not.

Seems like the op's parents fall into the latter camp.

Well, not really though. The OP's parents are happy to support one of their adult children, but not the other.

Stateofyou

AulWan wrote: »

Parents are not obliged to maintain their adult children once they are beyond the age of 18 let alone subsidise them into their thirties and beyond. If they do, its at their discretion.

As for living at home until you get married?

Totally not normal.

I think we all know that parents aren't obliged to do that. What we have here though are parents willing to subsidise one child and not the other. So the OP's parents do feel obliged, but only for certain children.

On the rest of your post, we'll have to agree to disagree.
I believe it is even more normal now that Ireland has been in a housing crisis for some time now. I have heard quite a few radio hosts chatting about that very topic and the hard reality so it's not just my opinion.

AulWan

Stateofyou wrote: »

I think we all know that parents aren't obliged to do that. What we have here though are parents willing to subsidise one child and not the other. So the OP's parents do feel obliged, but only for certain children.

On the rest of your post, we'll have to agree to disagree.
I believe it is even more normal now that Ireland has been in a housing crisis for some time now. I have heard quite a few radio hosts chatting about that very topic and the hard reality so it's not just my opinion.

We arent privvy to whatever financial arrangements the parents have with their son and the OP may not be either. They may look for him to repay them after college.

As for the rest, yes we'll have to agree to disagree because I don't know a single person who didn't live with their spouse for a least a year or more before getting married. Including recently.