Want to have a baby but partner doesn't

bitofabind

Aloneinthis wrote: »

I don't want to break up. I do want children.

This is so painful to read. It really is so hard to walk away from the man that you love. I speak from experience. A little part of me will always be sad about that. But the bigger part knows how vital it was to my health and happiness in the long run.

Life is not fair sometimes OP and love alone is not enough. If you want children, you will simply have to walk away from this man. Because his dawdling and ambivalence has cost you valuable time already and at this stage it's jeopardising any chance you might have left of having children.

I think you're holding out hope that he will give you a more precise answer to give you the ammunition you need to either walk away or grow as a couple. But the reality is that his ambivalence is an answer. Try to do as Susieblue suggested and have a good, hard think about where you want to be in 5, 10 years. Then think about how painful the regret will be if you don't give yourself every chance at happiness now.

blarb

Hi OP,

It sounds like a heartbreaking situation, but like the previous poster, I've also broken up with a man I loved dearly. I am in a place in life where I'm looking for a partner, kids, marriage, the whole lot. But he wasn't sure if he and when he would want these things. And he was 38! I had to put my own needs first, as men unfortunately have the luxury of time. Us women don't.

As others have pointed out, his ambivalence seems to not just be around kids, but commitment in general. Painful as it is, he's not going to be mature enough to end this - I think you need to. You deserve the life you want, with a partner who wants and shares that life with you. He's being very selfish in not giving you a clear answer.

Wishing you well OP, this is a tough time already without these big questions arising. X

TheBoyConor

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This is terrible. You cant just force someone into having a child if they dont want one, it's personal choice.
What an absolutely horrific and dishonest thing to do to anyone.

it is, but it happens every day of the week by women who intentionally engineer it to happen knowing that the partner does not want it to happen. It is the equivalent of reproductive rape.

TheBoyConor

SusieBlue wrote: »

With your ages in mind, another eventuality is that he might not want kids now but might change his mind in 10 years.
Imagine you sacrifice your desire to have children for this man and make your peace with never being a mother, and in 10/15yrs, he decides he wants to be a father after all.
Your baby making days will be well and truly over by then & it’s quite possible he may end the relationship himself to fulfil his dream.
He can have children at any age and the world is his oyster, he has unlimited time to consider his options whereas you don’t.
This isn’t beyond the realms of possibility and is definitely something you need to consider OP.

That is not really. true. Yes, he could father a child when he is older but it is likely that the child will be unhealthy with any number of conditions such as autism, small size, feebleness, mental health or introversion disorders. I think a man should not be having children after 40.

Addle

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I think a man should not be having children after 40.

But they easily can.

Airyfairy12

TheBoyConor wrote: »

it is, but it happens every day of the week by women who intentionally engineer it to happen knowing that the partner does not want it to happen. It is the equivalent of reproductive rape.

Does it? Cant say I happen to know any women that have done this. Besides that, it can take up to year of trying before getting pregnant. Women cant 'engineer' getting pregnant, we dont control our reproductive organs.

Comments like this remind me of the legitimate rape comments from an American politician years ago. Think he said something along the lines of, it wasnt real rape if the woman got pregnant because women can shut their reproductive organs down so they dont get pregnant.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That is not really. true. Yes, he could father a child when he is older but it is likely that the child will be unhealthy with any number of conditions such as autism, small size, feebleness, mental health or introversion disorders. I think a man should not be having children after 40.

Young people can just as easily produce disabled children. Not sure those include mental health disorders, feebleness or introversion disorders? Never heard of that one, but please tell me more Dr. Conor. The expert on reproduction and childbirth.

Besides the OP is asking about herself, she has already said her partner is 6 years younger than her. Assuming that makes him 32 or 33, he is along way off 40.

SusieBlue

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That is not really. true. Yes, he could father a child when he is older but it is likely that the child will be unhealthy with any number of conditions such as autism, small size, feebleness, mental health or introversion disorders. I think a man should not be having children after 40.

I’m not even going down that rabbit hole with you, the point I was making was that the opportunity for him to have children will still be there for him in 10yrs should he choose so, but it won’t be for OP. Not whether it was ethical for him to do so.

Emme

OP your boyfriend (I won't say partner) said one thing but his actions say something else entirely. He doesn't want a child with you, he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want to commit to you. Sorry for being harsh.

There are risks when a woman dates someone younger and she is coming towards the end of her window of fertility. You would have met him when you were 34. You should have been thinking seriously about children then. When I was 35 a guy told me he didn't want a serious relationship with me because I was too old to consider having children with in a few years time. It hurt but there was an element of truth in what he said.

If you have a child by donor you will have to consider raising it on your own. Maybe consider adoption or fostering.

I would advise you to end it with this guy when lockdown finishes and look into having a child alone by donor if that's what you want. He's only holding you back.

Let this thread be a warning to any woman in her 30s who wants a child but is being strung along by her boyfriend.

JustAThought

maybe there should be a warning thread of unwanted children resented and not wanted by one of their parents living a life of poverty and hardship while their only adult parent struggles to financially provide for them or is simply absent from dawn to dusk trying to provide for them, work and commute. Two parents is easier - on everyone - one is not a good choice to go into and certAinly not fair on the unwanted ‘sperm donor’ child.

antix80

Op. You've probably left it too late already.
If he doesn't want commitment why are you giving him commitment?
If you want any chance of having a family you need to leave him immediately. Even then, unless you do something drastic the likelihood is you won't ever have children. That's something you need to make peace with.

woodchuck

Mod note:

This is a reminder to all posters to please keep things on topic and address your advice to the OP.

Please also note that gender generalisations are not welcome in PI.

pwurple

Be clear with him. You're being far too passive imho.

You're asking him to make the decision for you. Asking... "would you like children?" is open ended, airy fairy, it might or might not happen sometime in the distant fuzzy future.

Try starting the conversation a different way, where you direct it.

Like this:
"I would like children with you. Let's start trying now, are you up for that?".

ManOfMystery

I think he's messing you around and keeping his options open.

He's mid-30s, not 18. He should have some inkling by now that after 5yrs together (and keeping your age in mind) that the relationship is going to progress in some way - children, marriage, buy a house, whatever. This "I don't know" response is just his way of avoiding saying what he really feels - that he doesn't want any of that, and prefers to continue with a stress and commitment-light lifestyle.

NotTotallySure

Ask him directly if he now wants children. Don't ask any "maybe" "if" or "sometime" kind of questions, be straight and tell him you want children in your life like you discussed when you first met him. Tell him it is a deal breaker for you and that he needs to think hard and quick about if he wants to become a dad in the next year or two (not some undefined future period).

I had twins at age 40 after only a few months trying. Very lucky I know, but don't let yourself be stuck with a guy who doesn't want kids just because some people will tell you that at age 38 you are already too late. Maybe you are, maybe not. But don't get stuck with a guy who took away your dream as he didn't know how to make a decision.

I have friends who had a child as a single parent, no father in the picture (single person adoption). Raising a child alone is hard but manageable if that is what you want to do - whether you choose adoption, fostering or sperm donor.

pwurple

NotTotallySure wrote: »

I have friends who had a child as a single parent, no father in the picture (single person adoption). Raising a child alone is hard but manageable if that is what you want to do - whether you choose adoption, fostering or sperm donor.

Just on the adoption, since the hague convention, it is exceptionally difficult for irish people to adopt foreign children. The cutoff age for domestic adoption is 35.

Fostering etc are fine, but adoption is considerably more difficult than it used to be.

NotTotallySure

pwurple wrote: »

Just on the adoption, since the hague convention, it is exceptionally difficult for irish people to adopt foreign children. The cutoff age for domestic adoption is 35.

Fostering etc are fine, but adoption is considerably more difficult than it used to be.

Yes , definitely. So many people think it's an easy answer but the lack of foreign countries offering adoption to Ireland is small and the process itself is long & difficult (as described to me by a friend who went through it alone). So few adoptions happen compared to what people imagine. The stats are surprisingly low.

If the OP wanted to go it alone, sperm donor would be a more likely option than adoption.

skallywag

Ellie2008 wrote: »

What about the impact of that on the child. The man we are living with didn’t want to be your daddy so we got you another daddy & we still live with this man?! I don’t get it.

Agree strongly with this.

Staying with this chap, while having a baby via a doner at the same time, would be completely bizarre and a most certain recipe for disaster later down the line.

OP, I get where you are coming from, but if you down the doner route you will not be able to stay together in my opinion.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I honestly think having a sperm donor baby and hoping to remain in this relationship is a bonkers idea. I think you don't want to break up with him but you want to force him to break up with you. If you go ahead with a sperm donor and he doesn't want a baby, then what do you think will happen?

You all remain living together but he lives a completely separate life to you and your baby. Not getting involved in ANY of the child rearing stuff. Feeding, cleaning, holding, go out together for a day in the park? If he doesn't want his own baby, he's unlikely to embrace an anonymous donor's baby. Or are you hoping to plough on, and hope he gets used to the idea? Realises he wants you more than he doesn't want a baby?

If you get pregnant and he stays, everyone will assume he's the father of your baby. If you get pregnant and he leaves, everyone will assume he's the father of your baby. It is incredibly unfair in a relationship (with no fertility issues) to consider a sperm donor. If you feel the need to go down that route because your partner doesn't want to commit to having a baby yet, then that should be the message loud and clear that you are not compatible and you should go your separate ways.

You need to decide pretty soon if you want a baby, and if you do you need to make a clean break from this man and then start getting your affairs in order. You need to decide which is more important to you. Because as things stand you can't have both.

Goldenlady

OP, I was where you are a couple of years back but made the decision to leave, as no matter how much I adored my partner I knew I would end up resenting him if we didn't have kids.
I now have a 2 year old boy with my new partner, and I absolutely adore my son.
My only advice is, do not bring a child into a relationship if he doesn't want it - my new partner wanted kids & we struggle at times as its such pressure on relationships when they are small and you fight over who is more tired etc.... I just couldn't imagine the situation if my partner hadn't wanted him.
Good luck with everything

99nsr125

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This is terrible. You cant just force someone into having a child if they dont want one, it's personal choice.
What an absolutely horrific and dishonest thing to do to anyone.

Women do it all the time, it even has monikers such as
sperm-raping, sperm-jacking, a glue baby.

Reverse the roles and then think about how it would be viewed

Tokyo

Mod:

99nsr125. - your post above has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. In future, please post advice relevant to the OP's situation, and not whataboutery.