Confronted family about years of abuse

mea_k

Hey, I'm 29 right now. And something trivial happened and I finally ended up at my breaking point with my mother and my step father.
They had physically and mentally abused me as a child. I don't even know how this all came about I just broke down. We got in argument.... And I just ended up spitting it all out. Like I have compressed these memories deep deep inside for years. For context last time I was properly battered I was about 16.

Of course both saying that I'm lying.... That I'm making this all up.. Witch is hurtful.. I was looking for apology. This has affected me my whole life. And will affect me untill I die. I'm deeply upset, that instead admitting to it apologising and putting things right they now say I have made this all up. Why would anyone make abuse up?

We have never been close, I never heard my mum say I love you. I never felt what it's like to cuddle. I never felt good about myself - infact they allways laughed at me, about my size etc.
I never felt wanted or needed.
In September 2016 I gave birth to my son.. And it was best day of my life.. My family never came to see me and that made me cry for days. Nurses asked me will anyone come and see me and all I had to say was no.

I'm now threading on thin ice, I physically think I will have breakdown of some sort.

Where do I go? What do I do?

Pawwed Rig

Do you need these people in your life?

Aaargh123

I'm sorry that you've been so badly let down by your family of origin. I haven't direct experience, but understand that denial by the abusers is common. I'm not qualified (through experience or life skills) to be of any help to you, but would like to point you to this place: https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships Have a read of a few threads, and the Stately Homes thread, and create your own post if you feel like it. You'll get a lot of support and wise words to help you through. It might not feel like it at the moment, but this could well be the start of your journey to feel emotionally and mentally better.

Good luck and I wish you well.

mikep

Hi mea_k

That's an awful situation you find yourself in.
You have made the first step to resolving this for yourself.
My suggestion is that you get counselling ASAP.
At present this will have to be done online or over the phone.
Google it and make sure they are accredited.

Best wishes to you!

Hannibal_Smith

I've found mea_k, that in situations like this, other people will never give you peace you're looking for. It's like they need to deny it because if they remember it accurately, they'll realise what they did and they can't live with the horror of that. Complete denial in other words.

I struggled before with wanting people to hear my story and needing that feedback from people that what happened wasn't okay. Eventually I accepted that I will never get it. The only person that needs to accept what happened and accept it wasn't okay, was me.

Firstly, I'm not sure whether you still live at home with them, or whether you're away from home now? But I would look at moving out if you're still there.

Secondly, there are online counselling services available. See here for links. You could think about making contact with some one and find a way to deal with it now.

I think if you're waiting on them to have an epiphany, you'll never find peace. Unless a counsellor suggests a way to approach it with them. And that's not letting them away with it. It's you chosing a different path. You have a beautiful son and a family unit of your own that you can find happiness in.

It won't affect you you're whole life, it will stop, but if you seek help in stopping it now, the sooner (and healthier) you can move on.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Please think for a second. What did you exepect they would say when told they are abusive parents by you in a rage?
It really couldnt have gone any other way than it did! They are not going to start crying and apologise and offer to make up for there past sins.

What you really need is a counsellor to talk these things through with, to get everything off your chest, and decide how to move forward with your life. Im certain you will do a far far better job as a parent yourself, and make sure you do not repeat the mistales of the past & break the cycle.

have a read of this. https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/

some ideas there, for going forward.

mea_k

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I've found mea_k, that in situations like this, other people will never give you peace you're looking for. It's like they need to deny it because if they remember it accurately, they'll realise what they did and they can't live with the horror of that. Complete denial in other words.

I struggled before with wanting people to hear my story and needing that feedback from people that what happened wasn't okay. Eventually I accepted that I will never get it. The only person that needs to accept what happened and accept it wasn't okay, was me.

Firstly, I'm not sure whether you still live at home with them, or whether you're away from home now? But I would look at moving out if you're still there.

Secondly, there are online counselling services available. See here for links. You could think about making contact with some one and find a way to deal with it now.

I think if you're waiting on them to have an epiphany, you'll never find peace. Unless a counsellor suggests a way to approach it with them. And that's not letting them away with it. It's you chosing a different path. You have a beautiful daughter and a family unit of your own that you can find happiness in.

It won't affect you you're whole life, it will stop, but if you seek help in stopping it now, the sooner (and healthier) you can move on.

No i moved out when I was 16/17. Obviously because how I felt in that home.
I just don't understand why me? Other siblings are so well looked after. They are twins 10 years younger than me.
And it looks like, they too now are protecting parents. I'm guessing in case I start making it all legal. Witch I have no intention of.
They made my life misery. I see both of my siblings also struggling with mental health..
And I hope they see it how toxic that household is. Constant arguing, it horrendous.
I struggled with alchahol alot after I moved out. But now I don't drink at all since I turned 21.i took some drugs and got clean too. Witch I'm very proud of. It's just horrible to think I have nobody apart from my son on this world.
Makes you think why people choose to have kids and make their life hard....

eviltwin

First of all I am sorry you are going through this OP and I think you are very brave in confronting them over their treatment of you. I agree with Hannibal, people like this will never acknowledge the truth of what they have done so you are wasting your time looking for it. They will always make themselves out to be the victim and you will always be the bad guy.

I come from a similar background myself and have been no contact with my family for a long time now which is what has worked for me. I know my family will never admit to what they have done so its best for me not to be around them anymore. Its not easy but I have found counselling really helpful, its something you should look at for yourself. I also have linked in with a number of groups for survivors of toxic families, both online and in person - its surprisingly common.

Again, you will never get the resolution you need from these people until they are willing to admit what they did and you might have to come to terms with the fact they may never do that. Rejection from your family is a horrific thing, its the complete antithesis of what humans are supposed to do, you owe it to yourself, and your own child, to get the help you need to move on.

Hannibal_Smith

mea_k wrote: »

No i moved out when I was 16/17. Obviously because how I felt in that home.
I just don't understand why me? Other siblings are so well looked after. They are twins 10 years younger than me.
And it looks like, they too now are protecting parents. I'm guessing in case I start making it all legal. Witch I have no intention of.
They made my life misery. I see both of my siblings also struggling with mental health..
And I hope they see it how toxic that household is. Constant arguing, it horrendous.
I struggled with alchahol alot after I moved out. But now I don't drink at all since I turned 21.i took some drugs and got clean too. Witch I'm very proud of. It's just horrible to think I have nobody apart from my son on this world.
Makes you think why people choose to have kids and make their life hard....

Sorry, I misread your first post and thought you said daughter.

You could twist yourself around in circles and ask why, but you'll never get the answer. Even if you did get an answer, it wouldn't justify it. More importantly it has the potential to think that there maybe something about you that made them treat you differently. Although I don't know you, I know that there's nothing a child can do that can cause a parent to mistreat them or beat the life out of them. That's on them and not on you.

Family's are a hard dynamic to try and make sense of. People can side with different members for a lot of reasons, especially with parents, that is hard to fathom.

You can't influence a person's thinking and the energy you use in trying could instead be put to helping yourself move on.

By the sounds of it you got an unfair start and that's sh*t. You should be very proud of yourself for how far you've come. Your son is very lucky to have you.

eviltwin

mea_k wrote: »

No i moved out when I was 16/17. Obviously because how I felt in that home.
I just don't understand why me? Other siblings are so well looked after. They are twins 10 years younger than me.
And it looks like, they too now are protecting parents. I'm guessing in case I start making it all legal. Witch I have no intention of.
They made my life misery. I see both of my siblings also struggling with mental health..
And I hope they see it how toxic that household is. Constant arguing, it horrendous.
I struggled with alchahol alot after I moved out. But now I don't drink at all since I turned 21.i took some drugs and got clean too. Witch I'm very proud of. It's just horrible to think I have nobody apart from my son on this world.
Makes you think why people choose to have kids and make their life hard....

The only person who can answer that question is your parent and you are not going to get the answer you want, not a genuine one anyway.

In my situation, there are 4 of us and my parent has completely disowned two of us for the most ridiculous of reasons. Another child is kept in the circle but is still subjected to emotional abuse, the final child can do no wrong and is perfect in every way.

I used to spend hours trying to understand it but counselling made me see its futile. I doubt even my parent could answer it. In order to move on you will have to make peace with not getting answers to all your questions. That is not easy but its possible. But you need a professional who can guide you through it.

Like you I have children of my own and if there is any positive to be taken from my past its that my own experiences have made me a far more loving and involved parent than I might have been otherwise. You sound like a great mother and a strong person. You will get through this.

Tork

I'm sorry you were put through all of this but I agree with the others. You were never going to get the reaction you craved. You're looking at this through the eyes of a person who isn't a twisted abuser. In effect, you're trying to make their world view fit with yours and it's not working. No matter how hard you try to make sense of what was done to you, it will never add up. It's made especially hard when (if I'm reading this right) you've got younger siblings who are experiencing a happier upbringing.

I echo the advice given to you already to seek out counselling urgently. You need to deal with this in a safe space (not a breakdown in front of two very cruel people who don't have your best interests at heart). I also feel therapy will help you to move forward and be able to handle your relationship with them better. When I read your post, the first thoughts that crossed my mind were "What did she expect?" and "Why does she keep coming back for more?". From a logical point of view, it makes no sense that you are continuing to try and have a relationship with your so-called parents. They are never going to become the people you desperately wish they were, nor are they going to have an epiphany and realise they were in the wrong. You need to come around to that mindset yourself but you need some help to get there. Look into getting counselling as soon as you can and look after yourself.

banoffe2

Well done OP for having the courage to speak up to your parents even though you didn't get the desired response, but at least you got it off your chest and that is a good start.

You are a brave and strong person to move out of home at 16 and get this far, also fair play to you for quitting alcohol/drugs

I wish you healing and peace what ever that takes.

There are a lot of dysfunctional families out there who have zero emotional intelligence and it can cause a lot of hurts that no one else can see.

Counseling can help but it may involve going right back to the past and re living the experience, there are different types of counseling, would be worth checking this out before hand.

As difficult as it may be, try not to give your parents too much if any space in your head, as it can be all consuming, head wrecking and damaging to your emotional and mental well being.

You are not alone and you will get thorough it, keep reaching out to boardsies X

Pistachio19

You don't live with them - that's good. You realise you don't have to have them in your life or your child's life. You can walk away, focus on healing yourself and leave them in the past where they belong. They won't admit what they did and even if they did they would probably say it was your fault. Hopefully you have trusted friends who can support you going forward.

mea_k

Just an update.

I got few txts from mothers husband. Anyhow. They are accusing me of making this all up and that I'm schizophrenic, and that they will contact my child's father to take my son away from me.
Lucky tho, I did have post natal depression some years agoo.and sought after professional help,and I did touch on my childhood, that I know affected me.
So I have paper trail to prove its not just someone gone mad.
I did contact my child's father, we get on OK explained the situation just in case he did get weird messages off them. What a load of crap. I'm exhausted. If anything it just showed their abuse to threaten someone to take away their most dearest thing in life.
I know however they would be very unsuccessful in trying to take him away.
But just threats alone made me soooo upset.

Pistachio19

I think it's best if you block their numbers, block them from social media for a while and give yourself a complete break from them.

eviltwin

mea_k wrote: »

Just an update.

I got few txts from mothers husband. Anyhow. They are accusing me of making this all up and that I'm schizophrenic, and that they will contact my child's father to take my son away from me.
Lucky tho, I did have post natal depression some years agoo.and sought after professional help,and I did touch on my childhood, that I know affected me.
So I have paper trail to prove its not just someone gone mad.
I did contact my child's father, we get on OK explained the situation just in case he did get weird messages off them. What a load of crap. I'm exhausted. If anything it just showed their abuse to threaten someone to take away their most dearest thing in life.
I know however they would be very unsuccessful in trying to take him away.
But just threats alone made me soooo upset.

These people are continuing to abuse you. Now they are bringing your child into it. Its your call but I would be seriously considering going fully no contact with them, advise others that you would appreciate them not acting as a go between and working on yourself.

Stateofyou

I'm really sorry to read what you have gone through, and you've gotten some really great advice here. I didn't have healthy parents either, but both you and me and many others have broken that cycle - be proud of who you are and the strength you have! You will be a fantastic mother to your son, and in some ways, you'll need to parent yourself now too. Give yourself the love and understanding your family are not capable of giving you. One way you can look after yourself now is by finding a really great therapist. Someone who works in CBT or EFT. If your leg was broken, you'd go to the doctor to get the help you need. Now you need the right emotional help by a capable therapist. Giving yourself the gift of time and effort to heal your past trauma is the best form of looking after yourself, because it also supports you in being the best parent you can be as well which I know is super important to you. I am able to still connect with my therapist over a video call so you can definitely still do it even in these times.

Your parent's latest stunt is cruel and abusive. Of course they're going to gaslight you and do everything possible to make it your problem and shift the blame. They don't want to be accountable-to face what they did to you isn't possible. It's just easier to put it on you so they never have to face what they did and who they really are.

My advice would be to cut these people completely out of your life. It's difficult and it hurts a lot at first, but when communication is MORE hurtful and damaging then it's time to look at no contact boundaries. Block their phone's and email and any social media. Focus on yourself now and healing. Your siblings may have a better experience so they can tell themselves they're good parents and excuse what they did to you. Though if your siblings are also having mental health issues it would suggest there may be issues there too; things are not always what they seem. The answer is to work on focusing on yourself and what you can control, your son and the needs you both have now. Because your parents will never be able to give that understanding and healing to you. It's sad but you will learn or get used to accepting that truth. It gets easier. Wishing you all the best.

leggo

Abusers are never going to see themselves as abusers, I don’t think there’s anyone who’s ever thought “I’m just going to abuse my children to make myself feel better.” Generally, these are people who are doing so either because it’s happened to them so it’s what they know, or because they’re trying to get away from something and feel they need to behave that way.

So confronting them, especially in an emotional state (which it’s almost always going to be), is sadly more often than not going to get a bad reaction. If they haven’t dealt with the reasons that they are this way, they’re still likely pushing away from that and may do so until their dying day, so they just won’t hear you and respond well. The reactions you’re seeing of trying to attack you into silence are likely the closest you’ll get to acknowledgement of guilt. Think about it: if someone WAS actually mental and made up a bunch of stuff about their family abusing them, the reaction of a loving family would most likely be in the direction of pity and hope to help them (with an eye of self-preservation of course). They didn’t do this. They want you to shut up and are trying to scare you into doing so. They know they’re wrong and don’t want it getting out.

From them, that may be as good as you get. You’re not crazy and you haven’t done anything to deserve this treatment. But these people are not going to see it that way and probably never will, and if they do it’ll be because it’s their decision to do so and nothing you will do will prompt that. You need to accept that and deal with it to recover. You likely won’t get whatever it is you’re looking for from them. But you’re still a good person who deserves happiness and can choose to only be around people who give you that. I’d suggest talking to someone professionally to go through all these steps as they will be able to gently guide you through it and the next stage. There are still services running even during lockdown to do so, and affordable too. Mind yourself OP.

Tork

mea_k wrote: »

It's just horrible to think I have nobody apart from my son in this world.

This is the sort of thinking you're going to have to move past, or you will continue to get hurt by these people. It is really sad that you feel so isolated in this world but is pinning your hopes on a better relationship with your mother really the right thing to pursue? It's not your fault that you were born into the family you were, or that your abusive mother failed to protect you by marrying a man just as awful as her. It is also understandable that you're craving a normal relationship with your mother. The problem is, it's not going to happen. The people posting above me explained very eloquently why this is the case so I won't parrot them.


In lots of ways, you are an impressive young woman. You pulled your life together after that awful upbringing and I'm sure you're a great mum to your son. You can still live a good and happy life without them. Maybe it's time to consider the damage they could do to your son if he spends time with them. Kids are pretty sharp and they pick up on all sorts of things. The advice given about cutting contact with them may sound drastic but maybe it is the only way you can deal with this. This is the sort of thing you might think about discussing with a counsellor.

Hannibal_Smith

Don't delete the texts.

They've stooped fairly low. But it's all just an attempt to protect themselves.

HildaOgdenx

eviltwin wrote: »

These people are continuing to abuse you. Now they are bringing your child into it. Its your call but I would be seriously considering going fully no contact with them, advise others that you would appreciate them not acting as a go between and working on yourself.

OP, I have not much to add to this, and other similar posts. Just to say I know of a similar situation. Two in a family. Golden child and another child. The other child has gone no contact, gone on to marry and have children. I have no doubt that they have been to hell and back. I know a small bit about what they have been through. Unimaginable.

But, you know what, they have their own lovely family now and good friends who think the world of them. Life is very different for the golden child. Suffice to say, it's unhappy. The grandparents are missing out on the most beautiful and loving children through their own behaviour.

I'm not going to pretend that I know what it's like to be in your situation. I am going to say, hold your head high, walk away, don't give them any more power or authority in your life. Seek counselling, it will help.

All the best.