ugly argument today don't know what to do

Big Bag of Chips

chris525, I understand where you're coming from. And I think people trying to catch you out or accusing you of giving a dishonest account, whilst I understand the viewpoint I think it's missing the point.

Your relationship is not a happy one. It's not one particular incident or event that has occured. It is an accumulation of everything. To the point where now everything is a conflict in your house. Advising you to grow up and behave like adults and speak to each other is not appropriate advice, at this time, because it's not possible right now.

Two people have to both be willing to talk, compromise, hear things that they mightn't like etc in order for that to work. Even if you decided you wanted that, it sounds like your husband isn't in that place yet.

So what can you do? Right now you can only control you and your actions. It can be a lonely place in a marriage that is full of conflict and lacking compromise and respect. But that's where you both are now. Your husband sounds like he is used to getting his own way, and will never accept or respect your opinion or input.

I'm sorry to say that this looks like it could be the end of the road for your marriage. Especially if your husband is unwilling to try something different or attend marriage counselling with you. You are in a strong position in that you are the breadwinner in the house. Start thinking about separating. What it would entail. What you would need in place. What it would mean for you all going forward. The practicalities. Access. Childminding etc. Staying in the family home or moving to be closer to family supports.

When it comes to dealing with your husband, try not to be reactionary. If you find yourself getting angry, walk away for a few moments. Think about what you're going to say. Will it make a difference? Will it lead to an argument? Is it worth getting into an argument about etc?

Not everybody lives in "good" relationships. Not everybody can be mature, and civil and talk things through. But if you find yourself getting to that point, then it's time to start planning the exit strategy. I think it's time to start planning your exit strategy. Before one of you ends up seriously hurt.

Turbohymac

Sounds like a house that should be avoided and theres 3 sides to that story
His..hers and the actual truth

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

I tried to talk to him calmly about the family coming in and out of the house and he doesn't care. He disagrees with the quarantine and will not comply. He says he thinks it's BS.

If I already tried to talk to him then I can't do much else. I'm not able to stop the family coming in all the time especially if my husband doesn't have my back on this and doesn't believe me.

Normally you could lock the door, but I doubt it would do nothing but inflame the situation.

Unless you call the local garda station and explain what's happened and ask them for advice? Also, there are still services available and stillhere.ie has a full list of them here. Perhaps if you talk to someone who can advise on how to calmly deal with the situation, it might help.

Big Bag of Chips

And I absolutely wholeheartedly agree with splinter above. I meant to mention it. You are looking for somebody to come in and fix this. Your mam, the guards, somebody. You are hoping they will make the decision to end your marriage for you, either by taking him away or by removing you from the situation.

That is unlikely to happen. The guards might take him away, but it will only be briefly and is unlikely to make things better. If you want your situation to change, you are going to have to change it. You can't depend on others to change for you.

chris525

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

chris525, I understand where you're coming from. And I think people trying to catch you out or accusing you of giving a dishonest account, whilst I understand the viewpoint I think it's missing the point.

Your relationship is not a happy one. It's not one particular incident or event that has occured. It is an accumulation of everything. To the point where now everything is a conflict in your house. Advising you to grow up and behave like adults and speak to each other is not appropriate advice, at this time, because it's not possible right now.

Two people have to both be willing to talk, compromise, hear things that they mightn't like etc in order for that to eirk. Even if you decided you wanted that, it sounds like your husband isn't in that place yet.

So what can you do? Right now you can only control you and your actions. It can be a lonely place in a marriage that is full of conflict and lacking compromise and respect. But that's where you both are now. Your husband sounds like he is used to getting his own way, and will never accept or respect your opinion or input.

I'm sorry to say that this looks like it could be the end of the road for your marriage. Especially if your husband is unwilling to try something different or attend marriage counselling with you. You are in a strong position in that you are the breadwinner in the house. Start thinking about separating. What it would entail. What you would need in place. What it would mean for you all going forward. The practicalities. Access. Childminding etc. Staying in the family home or moving to be closer to family supports.

When it comes to dealing with your husband, try not to be reactionary. If you find yourself getting angry, walk away for a few moments. Think about what you're going to say. Will it make a difference? Will it lead to an argument? Is it worth getting into an argument about etc?

Not everybody lives in "good" relationships. Not everybody can be mature, and civil and talk things through. But if you find yourself getting to that point, then it's time to start planning the exit strategy. I think it's time to start planning your exit strategy. Before one of you ends up seriously hurt.

Yeah, the practical realities are steep. I don't know how to drive, I don't have a car, we are in quarantine, we just moved into a different house, we have young children, it could take months!!! i don't even have a separate bed to sleep in in the meantime. Like tonight there is nowhere else to sleep - we don't have a big enough sofa to sleep on etc.

weldoninhio

The below link give you information on your options. If he hit you, the Gardai should be involved.



https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

nthclare I've editted your post and taken out the parts that weren't inline with the standard of posting required here in PI. Please take a look at Forum Charter before posting again.

chris525

SAMTALK wrote: »

OP I found it strange when you said you took a photo but were too ashamed to send it to your mother or friend

It's sounds like you are being a little dramatic . It seems that the 2 of you thrive on arguments ( correct me if I'm wrong),
and straight away your thoughts were to send a photo, contact guards and his reply was blackmail.

Is there a history of this carry on or is this a once of episode ?

This happens quite often when we argue.

All I want is a peaceful life without inlaws coming into my house all the time. I don't want to deal with them, their moods, their opinions, and I would rather if I didn't have anything to do with them.

Unfortunately, my husband is too loyal to them and doesn't care. He seems to put them before the kids even.

I have a stressful job right now and I don't have the emotional energy to deal with inlaws.

chris525

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And I absolutely wholeheartedly agree with splinter above. I meant to mention it. You are looking for somebody to come in and fix this. Your mam, the guards, somebody. You are hoping they will make the decision to end your marriage for you, either by taking him away or by removing you from the situation.

That is unlikely to happen. The guards might take him away, but it will only be briefly and is unlikely to make things better. If you want your situation to change, you are going to have to change it. You can't depend on others to change for you.

Well I don't know how to change it.

chris525

amdublin wrote: »

Your relationship sounds a mess.

Physical violence is never acceptable.

Are either of you without fault in this mess of a relationship? From reading your posts I don't think so.

What are you going to do to make things better for the rest of your life and for your children's lives.
Are you going to do this while you are together?
Or do you need to start thinking about a relationship separate from each other?

This cannot go on like this.

One major obstacle I have about separating with my husband is that I have nowhere to go. I don't have any family or friends in Ireland. The house that I'm currently living in is the only house I have.

I asked him to leave before and he would not. He mocked me and said that I can go back to my home country. He said that I'm the one who has to move out.

HildaOgdenx

I remember your previous threads, OP. I don't know what to advise, tbh.
Have you had a look at the link above posted by weldoninhino?

Tork

Proper legal advice is the way to go here. Why should you be the one who leaves the house? There's a lot of stuff to be ironed out here.

SAMTALK

chris525 wrote: »

One major obstacle I have about separating with my husband is that I have nowhere to go. I don't have any family or friends in Ireland. The house that I'm currently living in is the only house I have.

I asked him to leave before and he would not. He mocked me and said that I can go back to my home country. He said that I'm the one who has to move out.

To be honest you won't find an answer here. You need to get professional help on this