I always lose interest in sex

LegacyUser

hello all. So I'm a year and a half into what I thought was the best relationship I've had so far in life. We never fight, there's never been any drama, we're both successful career wise and financially and have good friends and family. I thought we would end up having kids together. Both late 30s. Both attractive outgoing people. Not living together currently but have our own places near to each other.
However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months, and I know this is pretty much on me as I don't have the same drive for her as I used to have.
I know the consensus here will be for me to leave her and get on with her life, but this girl is perfect for me and I don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed. I realise her life is at stake here too but I want to be the one to make her happy.
Even if I do break up with her, the same thing will happen with the next girl based on experiences so far.
I still think she's beautiful and I want to want to have sex with her all the time, but it's just not often I can actually be bothered any more. It's like once I'm totally familiar with a girl the idea of sex with them becomes not very appealing. When I hear of people having healthy sex lives after a few years married I just can't fathom how they are still into each other that way.
I know I'm the oddball here but I want to fix it somehow.
Do you think it's simply down to my issues, or I haven't met the right person?
Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more.
I just want to be able to have a normal loving sexual relationship.
My sex drive is still well and truly alive but my thoughts are usually elsewhere when thinking of sex.
Anyway any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

Purgative

No answers, I'm afraid, but I am interested in the responses.

otra vez wrote: »

I know I'm the oddball here but I want to fix it somehow.

I wouldn't be so sure on that at all.


Best of luck.

Finchie1276

Guy here, 20+ years in a relationship. Mid 40's
Sex changes. Thats the first thing, career, travel, kids, desire wanes. Changes, gets more, gets less.
The fact that you had this with other relationships makes me think its how you relate to sex.

Guys are very visual, its also easy to stay focussed on the physicality of having sex and get into a routine. Are you able to have sex outside of your normal routine? Try new things. Can you ask for what you want? Can she? Have you shared what you really like or do you feel that you have to have 'regular sex'?
Maybe think about just having oral sex, just touching, not having penetrative sex, just touch, blindfolding - whatever brings sex to a different place.
I'm frankly amazed that relationships last at all but they do, including mine. But you have to work on it. Maybe the gloss goes off it, you get into a routine, don't mentally engage and check out?

Physically are you OK? Can you get an erection, hold an erection? Can you have sex until you are both satisfied?
Are you using porn? Thats a huge thing in my eyes and I really do worry about younger guys who are living in an 'always on' hyper sexual world online.

Sex is physical but there are lots of ways of exploring that. If you are thinking in the back of your mind 'oh, I don't know if I like this, here we go again' etc when having sex then you are going to check out quickly.

Hope this helps. Feel free to fire back any questions here if it helps.

dubstepper

My experience would be similar. I follow that trajectory that once you get to know and totally love someone it can become less interesting to have sex with them. I have thought a lot about it and I think it comes down to the fact that sexual desire is different for all people, for me, and I guess for you, a large part of the desire stems from 'newness'. As that diminishes so does your desire.


Unfortunately I don't know the answer to it. I know that to jump from relationship to relationship just won't work as the accumulation of baggage will drag you down. Plus you are going to hurt people and ultimately end up alone.

LegacyUser

Finchie1276 wrote: »

Guys are very visual, its also easy to stay focussed on the physicality of having sex and get into a routine. Are you able to have sex outside of your normal routine? Try new things. Can you ask for what you want? Can she? Have you shared what you really like or do you feel that you have to have 'regular sex'?
Maybe think about just having oral sex, just touching, not having penetrative sex, just touch, blindfolding - whatever brings sex to a different place.
I'm frankly amazed that relationships last at all but they do, including mine. But you have to work on it. Maybe the gloss goes off it, you get into a routine, don't mentally engage and check out?

Physically are you OK? Can you get an erection, hold an erection? Can you have sex until you are both satisfied?
Are you using porn? Thats a huge thing in my eyes and I really do worry about younger guys who are living in an 'always on' hyper sexual world online.

Sex is physical but there are lots of ways of exploring that. If you are thinking in the back of your mind 'oh, I don't know if I like this, here we go again' etc when having sex then you are going to check out quickly.

Hope this helps. Feel free to fire back any questions here if it helps.

Maybe it doesn't help that neither of us are into anything too kinky, we've spoken about this stuff before. I kinda wish I was maybe it would help. But it's just the usual normal stuff that ever did it for me.
Yeah physically fit and in good shape, no problems down below. Tbh she's more likely to be satisfied than I am, but that doesn't bother me if I don't finish, I usually do though.
I don't watch porn often no, I used to watch more, now it just doesn't do it for me any more.
I guess the other poster might be right, maybe the only thing that gets me off is having a new person that feels all fresh etc and exciting, but it's not like I am desperate for people to like me when I'm single, I am quite happy alone too and have no problem being celibate.
I'm old enough to know that the whole new person thing wears off eventually, I just want to know how you can keep it going after that, I really want us to have a life together but I can't keep her around if I don't want to have sex with her. Dammit.

qwerty13

It doesn’t sound like you don’t want have sex with her. It sounds like you aren’t all that bothered about having sex with anyone, except that there’s a chance that someone new or different might excite you in the short term.

Do you think you might have a low libido, but your mind is telling you that you should be wanting or having more sex?

khaldrogo

Has she mentioned anything about it?

Finchie1276

otra vez wrote: »

Maybe it doesn't help that neither of us are into anything too kinky, we've spoken about this stuff before.

I does not have to be kinky, but theres sex and theres sex! Slower, outside, oral only, porn together. Nothing majorly out there but definitely the key for me was to take things slowly. Its easy to just get into it and do it the same way as always.

I kinda wish I was maybe it would help. But it's just the usual normal stuff that ever did it for me.
Maybe there are shades of normal? When you do watch porn maybe there is something you like that you have never done but feel you can't ask for? Have you explored everything you ever wanted?

Yeah physically fit and in good shape, no problems down below. Tbh she's more likely to be satisfied than I am, but that doesn't bother me if I don't finish, I usually do though.
OK so maybe you need to rebalance that and not be focussed on finishing? Just pleasure.
I don't watch porn often no, I used to watch more, now it just doesn't do it for me any more. OK

I guess the other poster might be right, maybe the only thing that gets me off is having a new person that feels all fresh etc and exciting, but it's not like I am desperate for people to like me when I'm single, I am quite happy alone too and have no problem being celibate. So if it is just regular sex you like and you are not having mad kinky desires unmet that you are silently harbouring it must be the chase and capture bit you like? You get the person and then they play out of sex happens and you get bored? Did you ever have sex that absolutely blew (excuse the pun) your mind? That you remember.
I'm old enough to know that the whole new person thing wears off eventually, I just want to know how you can keep it going after that, I really want us to have a life together but I can't keep her around if I don't want to have sex with her. Dammit.

I think you do want to have sex with her, just in a low key way, if you are both happy with that, you are not watching porn or having affairs then maybe thats fine? But you do have desire you say? What for, if not her?


Maybe too many questions sorry but I see so many of my mates who have so little sex and I cannot believe it. They traded off the rest of their life to work, kids mortgage and no sex.

Yellow pack crisps

You like ordinary sex and nothing kinky, but you also like the appeal of a new fresher sexual partner? Why? Won’t it just be the same sex? Have you actually tried to keep sex fresh and interesting? It’s sounds like you get bored of the sex and yet have no interest in investigating this side of you, you sound blasé when saying you’ve discussed sex with your current partner. Trying new sexual things is not something you should do just because you think they interest you, trying new things Is a healthy approach to sex anyway and by trying new things you may discover new sides to yourself. Why don’t you both try tantra sex for a while but just touching, breathing and connecting in a nice atmosphere with soft lighting and music etc. both of you should come up with five new things to try and they don’t have to be things you’re mad into, sex is as much about connection than a mental side is.

Dog day

Hi OP, you’ve mentioned that this has happened in previous relationships however you’ve also stated that this girl is perfect for you & you envisioned having kids with her. Assuming this hasn’t been the case in those other relationships it’s worth trying to mend this & fair play to you for posting here.

If you haven’t taken steps to combat this lack of desire for a partner before I’d advise the following:

Firstly to recognise that intense physical & sexual attraction can fade or certainly change over time. It doesn’t always though & it’s important to be aware of that too. It’s complex & depends on many factors.

Next look at some things you can start to do differently. You don’t have to have any particular kinks to have a fulfilling sex life. If you don’t change anything nothing will infact change!

Do you for example tease eachother via text, when rules allow you could create a build up to the next time you can meet, even different locations/scenarios can be impactful. Infact the current lockdown is making it necessary for lots of us to get more creative! The build up can be as pleasurable as the main event (in a different way of course).

Have you tried to discuss things properly with her? A really honest two way conversation? Approach it in terms of keeping things stimulating for you both. She’s highly likely to have noticed things aren’t the same anymore, don’t assume she’s totally happy too. Hear what she may have to say. Tread gently of course but open up the conversation.

Recall particular times you’ve had together that have been off the charts, ask yourself why? Was it the newness & excitement of being with someone new or is it something else?

Also you mentioned you’d be quite happy being celibate, this is a strong statement & one that needs to be explored because you may find when you look inward that in terms of priority, sex just isn’t a primary driver for you, equally it contradicts your original position which is not being able to stay with someone you’ve lost the urge for.

I’m of the opinion that sex is extremely important in a relationship but its value changes from person to person.

I hope some of this helps & wish you luck, it’s not an easy dilemma.

irishguy1983

otra vez wrote: »

hello all. So I'm a year and a half into what I thought was the best relationship I've had so far in life. We never fight, there's never been any drama, we're both successful career wise and financially and have good friends and family. I thought we would end up having kids together. Both late 30s. Both attractive outgoing people. Not living together currently but have our own places near to each other.
However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months, and I know this is pretty much on me as I don't have the same drive for her as I used to have.
I know the consensus here will be for me to leave her and get on with her life, but this girl is perfect for me and I don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed. I realise her life is at stake here too but I want to be the one to make her happy.
Even if I do break up with her, the same thing will happen with the next girl based on experiences so far.
I still think she's beautiful and I want to want to have sex with her all the time, but it's just not often I can actually be bothered any more. It's like once I'm totally familiar with a girl the idea of sex with them becomes not very appealing. When I hear of people having healthy sex lives after a few years married I just can't fathom how they are still into each other that way.
I know I'm the oddball here but I want to fix it somehow.
Do you think it's simply down to my issues, or I haven't met the right person?
Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more.
I just want to be able to have a normal loving sexual relationship.
My sex drive is still well and truly alive but my thoughts are usually elsewhere when thinking of sex.
Anyway any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

Don’t think you are an oddball....I would the same - never had a massive sex drive and once the first couple of months are over I would lose interest (NOTHING to do with the lady) - Margot Robbie ain’t going to keep me interested for more than 6 months.....I hope I meet a lady with a low sexy drive..Twice a month would be grand and even less wouldn’t bother me I don’t feel odd - that’s just the way I am....

CBear1993

Great post OP, fair play to you.

I can 100% assure you that you are not an oddball. I’m 2 years into a relationship with the girl that I know “is the one” and barely ever had a bad word between us.

But over the last couple of months I’ve just not had the same appetite for sex. This lockdown has made it worse to be honest - we live together so we’re seeing each other every day. I make an effort to go out to my parents home office to act like a normal day but hasn’t helped.

One thing that differs with me is that I’m in my mid 20s and so is she. I have always had a very high sex drive, and no problems downstairs. I used to enjoy oral, toys, massages, oils, all that stuff in the first year -18 months whereas she wasn’t as much but loved it.

This year I’d say I haven’t done any of the above except for normal vanilla sex. I just don’t know what it is. It sounds really bad but even though I know I would never leave her or cheat on her, she has picked up on it a bit. I find myself ogling other women or visualizing / fantasizing other women on social media, even some of her attractive friends. I don’t watch porn either.

During lockdown I moved back to my parents home for a week to try freshen things up a bit, even though nothing was particularly wrong. I know she’s beautiful but I just don’t find her as attractive if that makes sense. Also realise that makes me sound like an absolute jerk.

foodaholic

have you had your testosterone levels check
low levels can contribute to a low libido

CBear1993

Hopefulyl it's just a phase and passes!! overcome the doubt if it's happened in previous relationships

dubstepper

I think that this

otra vez wrote: »

However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months,

........


Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more..

Invalidates this:

qwerty13 wrote: »

It sounds like you aren’t all that bothered about having sex with anyone, except that there’s a chance that someone new or different might excite you in the short term?

As I said I think it could be a mental issue rather than a physical issue. Perhaps it is the case that what turns you on is not knowing your partner, once you know and love them the source of desire is gone?

99nsr125

Simply you don't love her, you find her attractive but when you've had sex countless times then it holds no desire for you.

If the initial attraction lacks the mental and emotional attraction then the initial physical attraction will fade.

Think of it this way we physically change as we get older but mental and emotional attraction is what dominates with our partners and makes us want to be as close as you can be.

otra vez wrote: »

hello all. So I'm a year and a half into what I thought was the best relationship I've had so far in life. We never fight, there's never been any drama, we're both successful career wise and financially and have good friends and family. I thought we would end up having kids together. Both late 30s. Both attractive outgoing people. Not living together currently but have our own places near to each other.
However the same thing that has happened to me in all previous relationships seems to have happened again. I've just very little interest in having sex with her any more.
It was great for the first year or so, but has petered out the last few months, and I know this is pretty much on me as I don't have the same drive for her as I used to have.
I know the consensus here will be for me to leave her and get on with her life, but this girl is perfect for me and I don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed. I realise her life is at stake here too but I want to be the one to make her happy.
Even if I do break up with her, the same thing will happen with the next girl based on experiences so far.
I still think she's beautiful and I want to want to have sex with her all the time, but it's just not often I can actually be bothered any more. It's like once I'm totally familiar with a girl the idea of sex with them becomes not very appealing. When I hear of people having healthy sex lives after a few years married I just can't fathom how they are still into each other that way.
I know I'm the oddball here but I want to fix it somehow.
Do you think it's simply down to my issues, or I haven't met the right person?
Previous partners have always followed the same path - great sex, starts to peter out, until I am just not interested any more.
I just want to be able to have a normal loving sexual relationship.
My sex drive is still well and truly alive but my thoughts are usually elsewhere when thinking of sex.
Anyway any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

LegacyUser

Oh, she left me by the way, fair play to her she knew something was up (or not up). I guess there's only so much you can take of not feeling wanted. I'm upset now but yeah I've a lot of work to do on myself before I go near any more women, can't just keep repeating the same mistakes.

Purgative

Sorry to hear that OP.


All the very best.

Esse85

otra vez wrote: »

Oh, she left me by the way, fair play to her she knew something was up (or not up). I guess there's only so much you can take of not feeling wanted. I'm upset now but yeah I've a lot of work to do on myself before I go near any more women, can't just keep repeating the same mistakes.

How did this happen in the end?

How do you go about addressing your own issues now?

punisher5112

That's definitely a tough one op and very sorry to hear about your loss.... I know sounds morbid but it is a loss and it's going to be hard....

Was she the one? Only you can answer that!

Has she reached out since?
Was anything said that rings true?
Did she mention anything that's in this thread?
Were you actually in love at all?
You just know well in most cases you do if it's the one and it's something you won't get over if you lose them.... Or most definitely it will take a long time...




I suppose I'm in a some what similar situation when it comes to sex.... It rarely happens.
I've brought it up a lot and as we are getting older and I thought a second child would have been really nice as I always wanted 2.

I'm 36 and she will be 38 next month the clock is really ticking....

We are together over 10 years and daughter is 11, I was honestly looking forward to another much sooner and she isn't mine as she was pregnant for another guy and had her before we met.... I've been in her life from around 5-6 months on.....


Finding myself getting down about it lately just don't feel she wants the same....

Dog day

otra vez wrote: »

Oh, she left me by the way, fair play to her she knew something was up (or not up). I guess there's only so much you can take of not feeling wanted. I'm upset now but yeah I've a lot of work to do on myself before I go near any more women, can't just keep repeating the same mistakes.

Hi OP, that’s very tough but from what you’ve said it’s probably for the best.

It’s really positive that you’re already acknowledging that you need to take some time for yourself. With everything going on this is actually a perfect time to just take a break from relationships & work on yourself as you said.

I normally hate clichés but to be fair they’re always true....things will get better with time. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Look after yourself & connect with good friends & family members you can talk to. It might be a good idea to get some counselling to work out why you’ve had the same issues in other relationships too. Take care of yourself, all will be well in time.

LegacyUser

Esse85 wrote: »

How did this happen in the end?

How do you go about addressing your own issues now?

She had brought it up before that she hadn't felt wanted, but I kind of ignored it and thought ah it's all good, we'll be fine. I need to figure out why I became kind of miserable in a relationship, yet again. It's only been like 9 days and I feel so much better on so many levels. I'm already stuck into my hobbies and work and fitness, have had nothing to drink... I wasn't looking after myself, I don't know why I let myself go.
It's bizarre, I mean of course I miss her and it gets me down at times during the day, but I also feel this elation, more alive, even music sounds amazing.

Has she reached out since?
Was anything said that rings true?
Did she mention anything that's in this thread?
Were you actually in love at all?

No reaching out, she has no reason to, we said all that needs to be said and left it on good terms. I do have to collect some stuff but I'm in no hurry to.
She didn't feel wanted, I was pushing her away, I suppose I was subconsciously. I don't know exactly why though, I was mad about her for the first 6 months anyway, then I just lost interest in everything, not just her. It's like relationships can make me depressed and lose the zest for living. I wish I could just have normal relationships.
Was I in love? I don't really know. I don't really know what it means. I cared for her greatly, and it hurts she's gone, but life will go on, I don't believe in this one person for everyone business. I truly want her to be happy though and if I am honest with myself, I was never sure if I could be the one to make her happy. So I hope she meets a guy who really loves her and gives her the family she wants.

pgj2015

I could be wrong but maybe being single suits you long term. I reckon a huge number of people are part of a couple because they think that is what you are supposed to do when you get to a certain age. some people who are single get depressed because they want to be in a couple, maybe you are the opposite.

CrimeaRiver

Hi all, I hope mods don't mind me bringing this up but, guess what folks, I've done it again!

10 months to the day into a relationship, started off with the best sex I've ever had, she said so too, and now in the last couple of months I just have started to lose interest. I really didn't think it would happen with this one. I did go to therapy after the last girl and tried to figure myself out, I actually enjoyed the lockdowns with all the running and meditation and living a good life, and then met someone who seems perfect - went to same primary, grew up down the road, similar interests, get on so well.

Now I can feel the cycle happening again. I don't even know what to do this time, I don't want to break up with her, but I seem to be losing interest in the sexual side of things again.

The good thing is she's very easy to talk to about anything, so if things don't improve soon I can be straight up with her and I know she's not going to freak out or anything.

It's almost funny how the exact same thing seems to be occurring that happened before. Wtf is wrong with me...

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232001#Comment_119232001

I dont think there is really anything wrong with you at all. There might be a few causes and all are worth exploring. Up till the end of April I was having regular shags left right and centre. Was good but I got fed up, lost my sex drive for weeks on end. This was not the firs time it happened to me, happened for six months at one point. My doc was of the opinion that it might be as I am type 2 diabetic and I tend to tire easily so that is a huge contributory factor. At this point for yourself, maybe see a GP or a counsellor to work out if there are is any psychological or physiological barriers to it. Then again it might be that a spark has gone ? Certainly explore any fetishes or kinks that you have and see what might turn you on if you have any proclivities. Few options there that might be worth exploring. All the best mate x

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232001#Comment_119232001

What did your therapist say about it?

bitofabind

Sex becomes less intense as relationships progress. I've always noticed that particularly after the first year and moreso the second. You settle into something deeper, something more meaningful. I'm curious as to why sex waning has spelled the end of your relationships instead of 1. communicating with your partner and 2. leaning more into the more important aspects of the relationship. Love and security, building a life together, future planning.

Of course sex is important, but it's not everything. It waning can be worked through in a healthy partnership. Why is the answer always to catastrophise it, dwel on it, assume it means the end?

Curious also to hear what you learned in therapy.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119233755#Comment_119233755

I don't think there's much wrong with him either; I'd say he just has a more extreme version of what many/most men experience with long-term relationships, if they were honest with themselves.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119233755#Comment_119233755

 I'm curious as to why sex waning has spelled the end of your relationships instead of 1. communicating with your partner and 2. leaning more into the more important aspects of the relationship. Love and security, building a life together, future planning.

Of course sex is important, but it's not everything.

I think it's his own choice what is the most important aspect of a relationship. If for him it's sexual fulfilment then he may just need to accept that this is the pattern of his life, jumping from one relationship to another as the passion dies. There are worse fates IMO...

CrimeaRiver

RE the therapist and what they said? Well they didn't say anything, from my understanding that's what they do, they just sit there nodding while you talk and talk. I got sick of it after a while as I had nothing more to say but I do remember discussing losing interest in sex, I just can't remember what conclusion I came to.

I think once the thrill of sex with someone new wears off, it just doesn't appeal to me that much, with that person. If I met someone new now I would be at it like a rabbit again, so it isn't an issue with libido or health, I am very fit and healthy.

I do love this current girl, and I'm almost 42, I don't really want to keep doing this, moving from one to the next, it has been the story of my life really, every time I lose interest.

I actually sort of discussed it briefly with her earlier today, that we don't do it much now like it used to be, and she just said it was normal and not to worry too much about it. I just don't have the urge to have sex with her like I used to.

If I was ever going to figure this out with anyone it was with this woman, she's very smart and non judgmental and down to earth and a realist.

But is it normal to just be able to take it or leave it when it comes to sex after less than a year?

I mean on this trajectory she may move in with me sooner or later, already I'm worried it will be one of these sexless relationships I read so much about on these boards, except I'll be the one who doesn't want it.

Donald Trump

Mod Note

Infraction given for breach of Charter and post deleted

HS

FintanMcluskey

There is nothing wrong with you OP. Its just life and your looking for something that is not there.

It's know as the Madonna-Whore complex.

A very interesting and common issue I believe