Completely Put Off Having Children

ladystardust

OH and I were not going to have kids. I wasn't sure and neither was he, state of the world, etc
Plus we really liked our lifestyle. Then a failure of contraception and a tipsy valentines night later, we have a 6 month old now. I really didnt know how it was going to go. I didbnt feel crazy maternal when I was pregnant (I also hated every second) and himself was cool but not overly excited. I was genuinely freaked.
The good news is that the second they are born, nature does something mad to your brain and that's it, it's all them, and you are so cool with it. I'm wrecked (send coffee) but OH is the best dad and dotes on the kiddo. And I love our lives now too. Just in a different way. I can honestly say it has been the craziest and most intense 6 months of my life, but it was generally so much more fun than u thought it would be.

standardg60

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

No some people don't want kids. They may be delighted by a suprise but that's not what I am taking about.

If you have to look for reasons to have one maybe you shouldn'.

Agree completely. Am questioning with the replies whether the OP is actually using the thread to have a prejudiced snipe at a perceived society where it is no longer considered 'safe' to have children.

A Consonant Please Carol

Candie wrote:

Thanks, he's a couple of months old now so I'll get to tell him how he heralded the start of a pandemic!

Congrats and good luck to you three. Great times

The above post is typical of every parent,
Yes they all love their kids
It's the most amazing thing ever.
The worst are the ones who didn't really want them, or were not sure......
Them they had them, most fantastic thing ever!

Which I'm sure it is for them, but if you have the choice....... Don't feel pressured

eviltwin

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

Also nobody with kids is ever going to say they regret having kids.

You obviously haven't met my mother . We were told regularly that she never wanted children, now that we are all adults she doesn't talk to us. It messes you up to be in a family where you know your parent regrets you, it has such a huge impact on your mental health. I don't think it's possible to hide it either. You can't fake genuine parental love.

Day Lewin

Society is no more squalor now than it ever was, arguably a lot less.

You can't be sold into slavery, or forced to work ninety hours in a coal mine. You get protected against most serious diseases and there are professional police to keep you and your property safe.

Your life expectancy is greater than it ever was before, your home is centrally heated, and you expect comfort round the clock.

The thing is, Hope is not about predicting someone's future: it's more about optimism, that humans can be happy and loving, whatever the circumstances.
If you don't think they can, then please don't have kids. They might inherit your grumpy despairing genes.

rainbow kirby

Have 2 (4 and 2 year old boys), love them to bits. Can't imagine life without them.

But... I can completely understand why someone would choose not to have kids. You have to be all-in with it.

Day Lewin

eviltwin wrote: »

You obviously haven't met my mother . We were told regularly that she never wanted children, now that we are all adults she doesn't talk to us. It messes you up to be in a family where you know your parent regrets you, it has such a huge impact on your mental health. I don't think it's possible to hide it either. You can't fake genuine parental love.

You can practice it, though.
Some people choose to not love their children: love is always a choice.
I'm sorry to read about your mam. Sounds like she had problems, but it's a pity she wished them on you.

standardg60

What a great thread.
The best ones are always those that cause emotion in people and become conduits of solace!

jrosen

Sometimes i look at my own and think they'd make great contraception.

Having kids isn't for everyone. I think most parents are winging it. Some days are great and some days Id consider giving them away. The waves of pros and cons are forever changing.

But you cant give them back.
I also think there is a lot of pressure on couples for it to be the "right time" I dont care what anyone says there is no right time. No matter how prepared you think you are life will tell you otherwise.
But if you have a solid base you stand as good a chance as anyone.

To look at life through a childs eyes filled with wonder is an incredible thing.

Sparkey84

to the op rest assured there probably is not a wrong decision here.
If you go ahead and have kids you shall love them and develop relationships that will define you as a person. they will give you joy, purpose pride and a real appreciation for life

if you don't you will never fully understand what you missed out on and will enjoy your early and mid life era well with holidays etx and can indulge in selfish times that us parents would be envious of.

i expect later life into old age for childless people might be more challenging but that would be a poor reason to have kids.

fair play for raising the topic its an interesting one

Also Starring LeVar Burton

bubblypop wrote: »

All people who have kids will tell you it's life changing & kids are the most important thing in their lives. Their children give them reasons to live etc etc.
Great.
Fair play
They will look at people without kids & feel pity for them, for they do not understand the great love etc etc.
Whatever.
Some people want kids, some people are not bothered.
Some people who do not have kids have a great life. Some people who have kids think that those without are missing out.

It's very personal, for me, I don't want them. I have endless amounts of kids in my life, my niece & nephew are the most important, I would die for those kids. I have many friends with kids, they love me & I love them.
I don't have kids, I am not interested in having my own & the older I have gotten the less I would want them, I'm so glad I'm not a woman with a massive urge for kids.
I like my life. Just the way it is.

I was gonna post something along these lines, but bubblypop pretty much sums up my own thoughts on the matter with the above post.

ILoveYourVibes

Lockdown has put me slightly off ..but not completely.

I just keep thinking its a good thing i don't have kids in lockdown.


I have a lot of insecurity in my abilities to potentially be a mother.

I do want to have one. But well only one. I keep thinking OMG that would be horrible for an only child to be in lockdown alone. They would be so lonely.

I think one is all i could handle.

I think if you don't want children you have to learn to look at it differently than 'i like my life the way it is' though because if its one thing life has taught me you never know what life will throw at you. Life is NOT going to stay the way it is. So you have to look at it as ..I am happy to live through all stages of life without children. I know what this means. I think you also have to find ways to fill that and exercise the inner emotional muscles children exercise for you. Yes its possible to have a wonderful life without children. But i am not sure everyone thinks about it the way they might be wise to.

I still gravitate slightly more towards having one. But less urgently.

Sparkey84

Sparkey84 wrote: »

i expect later life into old age for childless people might be more challenging but that would be a poor reason to have kids.

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

One eyed Jack

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

I don’t think it’s a rationale borne out of selfishness though, but rather out of different expectations. It wouldn’t be an expectation I’d put on my child. Frankly I can’t wait till he moves out and goes off and does his own thing, but if you’ve grown up in a society where the younger generation are expected to care for their elderly rather than their elderly being put into old folks homes, then it’s really not all that unusual, it’s just normal. There are plenty of societies like that around the world, but Irish society just isn’t one of them, not any more anyway.

eviltwin

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

I think it's more that it gives you something to focus on at a time when the normal things in life are winding down. A lot of people say they enjoy the role of grandparent more than they enjoyed being a parent.

joe40

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Lockdown has put me slightly off ..but not completely.

I just keep thinking its a good thing i don't have kids in lockdown.


I have a lot of insecurity in my abilities to potentially be a mother.

I do want to have one. But well only one. I keep thinking OMG that would be horrible for an only child to be in lockdown alone. They would be so lonely.

I think one is all i could handle.

I think if you don't want children you have to learn to look at it differently than 'i like my life the way it is' though because if its one thing life has taught me you never know what life will through at you. Life is NOT going to stay the way it is. So you have to look at it as ..I am happy to live through all stages of life without children. I know what this means. I think you also have to find ways to fill that and exercise the inner emotional muscles children exercise for you. Yes its possible to have a wonderful life without children. But i am not sure everyone thinks about it the way they might be wise to.

I still gravitate slightly more towards having one. But less urgently.

I think two kids about 2 years apart is easier than one. They can play with each other, which makes life easier.
I have 2 kids teenager now, brilliant for us but everyone is different.
You are definitely more vulnerable, as a parent. To have someone in your life that you love more than yourself is a big adjustment.

CBear1993

With my girlfriend now 2 years, she’s 26 and I’m 27.

She’s mad about children and I knew that from the start. I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

Mr Meanor

CBear1993 wrote: »

With my girlfriend now 2 years, she’s 26 and I’m 27.

She’s mad about children and I knew that from the start. I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

It doesn't end, it just pauses for a while.
It's just when you start to get up and go again your kids will call it a mid life crisis!

Geuze

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Must not have done a whole lot in your life if having your drains clogged up is your most valuable action.

I don't understand your reference to drains.

My point is that having children is one of the most important and significant events in life.

In my life, it is the most significant event.

Bringing wonder, joy and craic into every day.

Geuze

CBear1993 wrote: »

I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

Your real experiences would start.

In a labour ward or operating theatre.

Then in a maternity ward.

Then rearing children.

All great.

kowloon

I'm too much of a fcuk-up to raise a child. I couldn't afford to raise them well and I'm not sure my health would hold up long enough to see them through their childhood. I don't want to unleash a maniac on the world for other people to deal with when I'm gone. That's without taking into account any issues the Mother would bring to the table. If she was the same age as I am now it would be into dangerous territory. Will I regret not having kids? Probably.

dashcamdanny

I had my first in my mid 20s . Hated it. It literally stopped me from doing the things I loved. I was always stuck inside. Minding a child if not working.

Now in my 40s I have had another. He is 5 and is my true joy in this world. I think to enjoy parenthood properly, you must have a few years under your belt and be happy to let all those trivial things you enjoyed as a younger person go.

I would hate to be old, gray and lonely without any children to call my own. The only people in this world who truly care about you are your family. Friends come and go in life.

simongurnick

I have 5
There's nothing in this world like the true love between a parent and a kid. Trust me.
But you are 100% doing the right thing OP, by thinking this out. Most screwed people come from having crap parents or one absent. Good luck

One eyed Jack

Geuze wrote: »

Your real experiences would start.

Experiencing travel and spending money on other experiences besides having children, aren’t any less real than having children? I get it that for a lot of people they regard having children as a life changing experience and all the rest of it, but I also understand the point of view of other people who have different priorities and just aren’t interested in having children.

I don’t fancy travelling abroad and all the rest of it, could afford to if I wanted to, but it’s just not something I’m interested in. My child is interested in travelling and for his 16th birthday I’ve told him he can go stay with his uncle in London for a while. He loves the idea!

Having children hasn’t been some life changing event for me, I still do all the things I did before I had a child like going out for a few drinks and having a social life, but some people make out like having children is either the toughest thing, or the most rewarding thing a person can ever do in their lives. I can understand how it might well even be both of those things for some people, but I just find that some people, and there are numerous examples of it in just this thread alone - they tend to go a bit overboard.

Rubberchikken

I have two, both grown, and the absolute centre and meaning of my life.
As teens and adults I love their company, intelligence, opinion on life etc but as babies they were hard work.
I hated the sleepless nights, the sicknesses, the sometimes seemingly endless games with plastic tots although I never let on I have to admit.

I never wanted kids, even though as a kid and teen I was great with them. The want changed one day and that was that.

I figure I choose to have them and so I've tried my hardest to be as good a parent as I could be
I've made mistakes, messed up occasionally and haven't always been the most patient or even tempered parent at times but I never raised a hand to them, have always told them how much I love them and how much they matter.

They are wonderful adults, that I am so proud to know and so pleased to be in their lives watching them grow. My contribution to them has been little. They have achieved everything they are themselves.

My advise, only have kids if you really want them. If not, then that's perfectly good too and you owe no one any explanation either way.

Muppet Man

16 years married and no children and no plans To either. When we originally talked about it we were only Going to do it because that’s what was expected of us. We decided against it and we have no regrets whatsoever. Life’s been pretty good to us as a result in terms of freedom (To make decisions on a whim) and finances.

freshpopcorn

I used want to be a dad up until a few years ago but I've since changed my mind simply because I don't think I'd be good enough at it. I'd try my best but I don't think that would be good enough.
However anybody I've been close to have always wanted to have kids, etc.

Class MayDresser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I used want to be a dad up until a few years ago but I've since changed my mind simply because I don't think I'd be good enough at it. I'd try my best but I don't think that would be good enough.

The very fact you think that way, I'd be backing you in a "best father in the world" competition. Your best is far more than what an awful lot of children get at times, you just got to be consistent at it!

kowloon

Class MayDresser wrote: »

The very fact you think that way, I'd be backing you in a "best father in the world" competition. Your best is far more than what an awful lot of children get at times, you just got to be consistent at it!

Speaking for myself and not Popcorn, but thinking you're not up to the task doesn't necessarily mean you're up to the task. It might just mean you'll be aware of how much you're failing a child who deserves a better start in life.

Notoldorwise

pawdee wrote: »

This be the verse.

Totally disagree. Three kids rids you of any selfishness and lets you appreciate the simple joys in life

ILoveYourVibes

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

You can't count on children to look after you after old age.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this though. Money can't stop you being alone as you age. It's inevitable. Older people have to get used to it. You do have to be alone.

That isn't what i am talking about.

I am talking about for example learning through your children. In so many ways. How to connect with young people. How to ride the emotions of others.


If you are always used to having only you to look out for ....paying for someone to look after you is going to be extra tough.

Older people in nursing homes or with carers have to be very selfless and open hearted and open minded. Its often thought of that they are getting everything. Its not often talked about ...how much they are giving of themselves. But people who HAVE put people in homes and listened to the changes etc know. Submitting to someone else's schedule every day. And to the rules. To living with other people you have no connection to.

You do have to have another way to exercise the emotional muscles of selflessness on a practical everyday basis. People who don't have kids also need to learn to look after people. They could end up having to learn to look after their own parents. They could even end up being a caregiver for their spouses.

Its not that ..oh people who don't have kids are selfish and immature. That is not true at all.

But the ones who aren't don't just become selfless and mature overnight. They work at it. Over the years. In different ways. Just like people who have children.


Your life isn't easier in the long run for not having kids. Its just different.

Class MayDresser

kowloon wrote: »

Speaking for myself and not Popcorn, but thinking you're not up to the task doesn't necessarily mean you're up to the task. It might just mean you'll be aware of how much you're failing a child who deserves a better start in life.

I hear you, but the fact you have the self awareness in thinking like this bodes better in the long run for the kid's sake, you're less likely to not care for the child.
That's only on an emotional level though, I'm not talking financial or domestic or otherwise, they've got to be in place first I think.

pwurple

You know, we were on the fence about children for a long time, mostly due to a feeling of environmental responsibility. The world has 8 billion people, did we want to add more consumers to it?

It's why we also considered fostering.

But in the end, we wanted to experience parenthood ourselves. Another phase in life, something we didn't want to miss... And now that they are here, they are lovely human beings (or at least we like living with them!). We do our best to make sure they have some level of environmental awareness and don't wreck the place.

Isn't the whole "having kids is bad for the environment" thing a myth though?.. based on dubious data I think..

Anyway, it's the point of life.. it's the one thing every lifeform strives to do..

kowloon

Deleted User wrote: »

Isn't the whole "having kids is bad for the environment" thing a myth though?.. based on dubious data I think..

Anyway, it's the point of life.. it's the one thing every lifeform strives to do..

The reason a species persists is procreation, but I'm not sure you can say it's the point of life. I'm not sure the fact that we're here can be inferred to mean we have a purpose.

fran38

mr_edge_to_you wrote: »

It's so hard to describe it. My kids are 8 and 5. Kids are flipping hard work, minding them becomes the most important thing in your life. They'll drive you to despair and cost you a fortune. They row with each other numerous times a day. I come home from work and my wife needs to go for a walk to clear her head.

At the same time, they're amazing little people. Watching their personalities develop. My daughter is super intelligent and looks like she has a talent for arts and crafts. My son is the funniest little man and kind. He's the best craic! We brought them to Disneyland Paris last year and it was the greatest feeling. My wife and I were blessed with our upbringings and all we want is to at least match the childhoods we had.

In saying all that, we do look forward to a weekend away without the kids every couple of months.

Just a question on the "My daughter is super intelligent". Super intelligent, does that come after intelligent, very intelligent and highly intelligent? Curious.

mr_edge_to_you

fran38 wrote: »

Just a question on the "My daughter is super intelligent". Super intelligent, does that come after intelligent, very intelligent and highly intelligent? Curious.

Between very and highly.

screamer

Each to their own I believe on this.
I have kids and yes, they are no walk in the park it is an absolute 24 x7 job for sure but I wouldn’t change a thing. The love for your kids and the love you get back, well there’s nothing like it.

As for societal issues everyone looks back and thinks things were better back when..... i think that’s a bit of nostalgia rather than fact. I do believe though, generally most parents are right minded good people and are rearing their kids to be good people. We always hear of bad things, the news is negatively biased too. It’s a great big wonderful world and I believe we’ll have enough good people to keep it going.

The chan chan man

Having kids is the meaning of life. Before them, nothing really mattered. It’s tough, but definitely worth it.

However if you don’t want kids because ‘society is in absolute squalour’ then it’s probably best not to have them. Perhaps try to improve your own life might give you a more positive point of view on the world, most of its pretty cool.

ladystardust

The chan chan man wrote: »

Having kids is the meaning of life. Before them, nothing really mattered. It’s tough, but definitely worth it.

Ok I love my kid but I dont think nothing mattered before. Lots of things mattered, my husband, my family and friends, my career. All these things still matter, just kiddo matters too. I dont think having childrens the meaning of life and it's a totally legitimate option not to have them.

The chan chan man

The chan chan man wrote: »

Having kids is the meaning of life. Before them, nothing really mattered.

This is the attitude I hate! Parents basically telling other adults that their lives are meaningless without kids!

Wompa1

It's becoming cliché but having kids was the best thing I have done in my life. I have relative career success. I've gotten to travel a fair bit. The odd time, there's fleeting moments of "jaysus, I'd love to be able to just feck off into town and go for a pint" or whatever but it's quickly out of my mind because ultimately, there's nowhere I'd rather be than with them.

I think back to the times going to pubs and nightclubs. I had some fun nights out but a lot were just the same auld sh1te, I also remember at one point on a Friday night sitting across from my friend getting frustrated and bored with it.

The really cool thing, I think that doesn't get mentioned much is that everything is new to you again. The things you've done thousands of times are new because you are experiencing them with your kids for the first time and at a young age, they always get excited by it which brings you excitement and joy.

You also have feelings of love that are unique, that you don't feel for a partner, family or pet. There's a natural bond and the fact you go through so much and are with them as they develop gives you a closer bond than you'll have with anyone else.

If I was single, I don't know what I'd be doing with the rest of my life. I don't have any more career goals to achieve. I have already travelled a lot.

Read more books and spend more time on Boards, I suppose :pac:

Wompa1

bubblypop wrote: »

This is the attitude I hate! Parents basically telling other adults that their lives are meaningless without kids!

From a biological standpoint, it is the only reason to exist. We live and multiply and continue on the human race.

sydthebeat

pwurple wrote: »

You know, we were on the fence about children for a long time, mostly due to a feeling of environmental responsibility. The world has 8 billion people, did we want to add more consumers to it?

It's why we also considered fostering.

But in the end, we wanted to experience parenthood ourselves. Another phase in life, something we didn't want to miss... And now that they are here, they are lovely human beings (or at least we like living with them!). We do our best to make sure they have some level of environmental awareness and don't wreck the place.

If every couple had one child the population of the world would drop

Loveinapril

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. We planned our two but after the first was born, I spent weeks regretting the decision. It was SO HARD. I felt like I was a terrible mother. The sleep deprivation was nothing like I had ever experienced (I used to work 13 hour night shifts so thought it wouldn't be that bad). I completely underestimated the power of my hormones at the time, I felt like I was gone and I didn't recognise myself. Then that all calmed and I started to find my rhythm. We found out I was pregnant again around my son's first birthday. They are 2.5 and 10 months now and it is the best but most difficult thing I have ever done. I am looking forward to not feeling tired at some point but every day I laugh out loud because of them so it is mostly worth it!

Housebuying

I think deciding not to have children is one of the most selfless acts. A child takes over your world and if you can't give that you shouldn't have one.

I see parents trying to fit children into their current lifestyle, both the kids and the parents seem unhappy. All my mother goes on about is all the things she couldn't do as she was tied to the kitchen sink (her words).

People say children change your life completely. And this is true. You should only have kids if you want your life to change completely.

I love my children more than anything. I was prepared and HAPPY to make all the sacrifices that they need. I think before kids, I never felt truly fulfilled. BUT it's not the life for everyone.

Real Life

We had a baby almost 7 months ago. I was never interested in Kids, wouldnt have minded never having any and I was the kind of person to get annoyed hearing kids crying and screaming in public. But anyway things happened as they did and we ended up having a baby and genuinely its amazing.

Very tough at times but its hard to explain how much love you have for this baby and how you would do anything for them, and thats coming from someone who had no interest in kids remember.

My girlfriend had a rough birth that took its toll on her and also has PND which has been very tough and were working through it, but the baby has brought so much happiness to us too. Sometimes I think back at how silly I was to be so against kids for so long but anyway thats how it goes, thats my experience obviously not everyone will be the same.

The chan chan man

bubblypop wrote: »

This is the attitude I hate! Parents basically telling other adults that their lives are meaningless without kids!

Nothing mattered...to me. I dont care what anyone else does. Have kids, don’t have kids, i couldnt care less. For me though, now i have a reason to be doing what I’m doing.

s1ippy

s1ippy wrote: »

- To people who already have children, was it everything you were expecting or were there a lot of surprises?

I obsess with doing all kinds of research possible before making big decisions so I feel when we had children we were quite prepared. But of course there are surprised - positive and negative. No matter how much you prepare your child is going to be an individual character with individual traits - and you can never fully prepare for that.

I guess the biggest surprise for me was that being a parents brought a renewed sense of wonder to the world for me. Everything that had become mundane and common in my life I was now seeing through the wondering eyes of a child. And it make me look at the world anew - or from a new perspective. And I found that enriching in ways I had not expected.

Me and the girlfriends have always planned 4 kids. We have 3 so far. So only one to go before I start getting things snipped or knotted up or both. On balance I think I have been overall a good parent so far. I hope to continue as best I can.