Tell me about your boner

Hammer89

I've been mining my own body for sperm quite a lot these past few weeks and months. And listen, I had much grander plans for quarantine - my uncle and I were going to build a barbeque - but I just wound up offloading a lot of my own seed into tissues and whatnot.

How much is a lot? Well, if I was a betting man, I'd say quarter-of-a-litre. I don't know if you lads have been squeezing the devil's juice out of yourselves but I've personally noticed that it - *it* - is getting weaker. It used to do the Black Power salute, but now it's like Bernie from Weekend at Bernies. If it had the COVID, you'd probably have to wheel it into ICU for respite.

It isn't dead, and I can get my nut, but not without it being on a semi.

It's not me. I've been eating well enough doing a bit of cardio here and there, so there's no physiological reason for this flump I don't think, so it must be an increasing immunity to the content. I suppose what I'm asking is, have you ever had linguini dick from getting too many erections? I've read up about something called porn-induced erectile dysfunction, but surely two months worth of excessive self-molesting can't bring about a decline.

Obviously I come across a bit blaise here but it is quite worrying. Pun intended but I'll be knocking it on the head from here on in.

ILoveYourVibes

Bit of a waste of seed you could have donated it.


I don't know anything about erectile dysfunction. But i really like talking about it in a slightly light hearrted but kind hearted manner.

corner of hells

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Bit of a waste of seed you could have donated it.


I don't know anything about erectile dysfunction. But i really like talking about it in a slightly light hearrted but kind hearted manner.

After that first post , can you see any issues with having him as a sperm doner.

Blaze420

This is my boner. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My boner is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

Without me, my boner is useless. Without my boner, I am useless. I must fire my boner true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me.

My boner and I know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit ...

My boner is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my boner clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will ...

Before God, I swear this creed. My boner and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

Hammer89

corner of hells wrote: »

After that first post , can you see any issues with having him as a sperm doner.

None taken.

buried

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't know anything about erectile dysfunction. But i really like talking about it in a slightly light hearrted but kind hearted manner.

It's not funny...Jeez..

JohnnyFlash

You'd want to give up watching porn, OP. That stuff is no good for you. You see lots of lads around here very angry about women, women being successful, and how women don't want to do the old 'beast with two backs' with them. Think a lot of that sort of thinking is down to them having their brain rewired from trying to rip the skeleton out of themselves while watching that wretched and misogynistic gonzo porn. To be honest I'd say a lot of lads in their 20's and 30's are lost causes at this stage as a result.

Nothing wrong with a bit of self-love, but best if you take a memory down from the old '**** bank', and use that during your sessions.

Also consider a good multivitamin if you're struggling to gain a woodie you could hang a theatre curtain on.

kowloon

You need to go more extreme, try watching Human Centipede or Schindler's list to perk you up.

Hammer89

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You'd want to give up watching porn, OP. That stuff is no good for you. You see lots of lads around here very angry about women, women being successful, and how women don't want to do the old 'beast with two backs' with them. Think a lot of that sort of thinking is down to them having their brain rewired from trying to rip the skeleton out of themselves while watching that wretched and misogynistic gonzo porn. To be honest I'd say a lot of lads in their 20's and 30's are lost causes at this stage as a result.

Nothing wrong with a bit of self-love, but best if you take a memory down from the old '**** bank', and use that during your sessions.

Also consider a good multivitamin if you're struggling to gain a woodie you could hang a theatre curtain on.

I feel like your avatar is mocking me Johnny, but thanks for the advice.

I feel I know too much now.

brevity

Looks like a case of Death Grip

One of the more shameful uses of the dark side of the force.

This is it

Needs a woman's touch, literally.

Central Services

Communication is good.
Thanks for spilling.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You'd want to give up watching porn, OP. That stuff is no good for you. You see lots of lads around here very angry about women, women being successful, and how women don't want to do the old 'beast with two backs' with them. Think a lot of that sort of thinking is down to them having their brain rewired from trying to rip the skeleton out of themselves while watching that wretched and misogynistic gonzo porn. To be honest I'd say a lot of lads in their 20's and 30's are lost causes at this stage as a result.

Nothing wrong with a bit of self-love, but best if you take a memory down from the old '**** bank', and use that during your sessions.

Also consider a good multivitamin if you're struggling to gain a woodie you could hang a theatre curtain on.

If I could just add 2 things to that advice, hydrate more and try “switch hitting” by using your “weaker” hand.

You see a lot of, overweight, young lads guzzling large cans of Monster or drinking that rank Powerade when a pint of water would be much better for you.

A couple of large drinks of water would see you blasting out magnificent “ropes”, instead of having to squibble out, pathetic, curdled lumps.

Osborne

I wish I hadn't opened this thread while eating Muller Rice

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not funny...Jeez..

But watch me :pac: laugh.

looks like i am giving head ...pacman head

ILoveYourVibes

:pac::pac::pac::pac:

Anyone notice the pacman emojis kinda look like they are getting ready to give head??


And

:P:P:P:P:P

AND OMG

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

All the emojis are giving head!

Seamai

Osborne wrote: »

I wish I hadn't opened this thread while eating Muller Rice

Is yours that lumpy?

Hammer89

Osborne wrote: »

I wish I hadn't opened this thread while eating Muller Rice

I wish I hadn't started it. I thought I'd be perceived as like the Bressie for boners and everybody would be praising my courage for opening up about it and sharing their own experience of linguini dick.

Osborne

Seamai wrote: »

Is yours that lumpy?

Yeah but it doesn't have the jam (best bit) so not too bad I guess.

Wabbit Ears

Increase the amount of lecithin in your diet to top up the machine for a full load and drink more water.

Also, when you're a bit tired and your buddy is moping around at half mast whilst you try to beat him like a choir boy who missed a note, a wee bit of poppers will bring you across the finishing line no bother.

Rothko

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

You'd want to give up watching porn, OP. That stuff is no good for you. You see lots of lads around here very angry about women, women being successful, and how women don't want to do the old 'beast with two backs' with them. Think a lot of that sort of thinking is down to them having their brain rewired from trying to rip the skeleton out of themselves while watching that wretched and misogynistic gonzo porn. To be honest I'd say a lot of lads in their 20's and 30's are lost causes at this stage as a result.

You say this a lot but I've never seen it.

buried

Down some raw oysters if you got this sort of predicament. You wont know what hit it.

EmmetSpiceland

Hammer89 wrote: »

I wish I hadn't started it. I thought I'd be perceived as like the Bressie for boners and everybody would be praising my courage for opening up about it and sharing their own experience of linguini dick.

Your honesty is, indeed, commendable but when you’re going “at it” like you’re in training to receive a tenth dan black belt in “hand to gland” combat, the blame, and solution, lies squarely with you.

You’re going to have to give yourself a couple of “fallow” days. Otherwise you’ll strangle your trouser snake with your “death grip” and a semi is the best you’ll be able to achieve when you, finally, find a “playing partner”.

Whatever about “brewer’s droop” but having to fold, or thumb, it in would be a nightmare sober, or all the time.

Your salvation is, literally, in your hands. Give “yourself” a few days off. And stay hydrated.

Best of luck, we’re all rooting for you.

ILoveYourVibes

*Checks*

No pics yet.

kowloon

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

*Checks*

No pics yet.

PM sent

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

trying to rip the skeleton out of themselves

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

like you’re in training to receive a tenth dan black belt in “hand to gland” combat,

s1ippy

There is definitely a lot to be said for going organic, use your memory wankbank instead of taking it digital every time. That way Google don't get the added metrics of your own private stash when they're getting your sexual preference profile. You can also **** contentedly in the knowledge that no pussies were harmed in the making of your content.

Try doing it every other day for max power, or just sit on your hand for a while and then hold it in place with your other hand for an exotic mystery experience.

Robsweezie

i saw you mention your uncle in the opening lines and thought you were gonna say you were gonna get it on with him, such was your desperation.

*violent shudders*

Sky King

Tell me about your boner

Well, its first name is Packie...

JohnnyFlash

s1ippy wrote: »

There is definitely a lot to be said for going organic, use your memory wankbank instead of taking it digital every time. That way Google don't get the added metrics of your own private stash when they're getting your sexual preference profile. You can also **** contentedly in the knowledge that no pussies were harmed in the making of your content.

Try doing it every other day for max power, or just sit on your hand for a while and then hold it in place with your other hand for an exotic mystery experience.

This is sound advice from a man who is almost certainly not a stranger to the arts of onanism.

Larbre34

Unlike your boner, my boner is a still a boner.

Thats the story of my boner.

RobertKK

They will make a movie about mine, it will be about my death, it will be called 'Die Hard with a boner.' The alternative Die Hard movie.

Leg End Reject

I've nothing to contribute as I'm penisless, but what a magnificent thread title from a poster called hammer.

Sardonicat

Leg End Reject wrote: »

I've nothing to contribute as I'm penisless, but what a magnificent thread title from a post called hammer.

It's Hammer Time!
(Or not, in the case of the OP)

Class MayDresser

Which fella was the OP again?

Seamai

Leg End Reject wrote: »

I've nothing to contribute as I'm penisless, but what a magnificent thread title from a post called hammer.

Poor you, were you born without one or did you lose it?

Andrew00

Pullin the shtomach o' urself

Sardonicat

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's Hammer Time!
(Or not, in the case of the OP)

Can't touch this..so much..or..

Rodney Bathgate

Seamai wrote: »

Poor you, were you born without one or did you lose it?

Traded it for drugs.

Leg End Reject

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's Hammer Time!
(Or not, in the case of the OP)

I just noticed the typo in your quote, the excitement got to me.

*fans face*

Central Services

Leg End Reject

Seamai wrote: »

Poor you, were you born without one or did you lose it?

2 X chromosomes, so born without one. I'm not that careless that I'd mistakenly leave it behind.

Sardonicat

Leg End Reject wrote: »

I just noticed the typo in your quote, the excitement got to me.

*fans face*

That would be down to the oul Penis Envy, so it would. It fair confuddles my brain too. Tis a scourge altogether, so tis

JohnnyFlash

This is an important thread, as is the etiquette thread. It's about living in the moment.

There's a lot of lads in the current circumstances sitting around with nothing to do, only try and beat Herman like he owes you money. It's not ideal, but we all have to make sacrifices.

The lockdown is a rare opportunity to reevaluate your relationship with visiting 'one-handed websites'. It's a chance to get back in touch with the imagination. Do you think Robert Smith would have wrote Pictures of You if he was box-eyed from flittering at himself watching depressing videos on one of those tube sites?

I think not.

Class MayDresser

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This is an important thread, as is the etiquette thread. It's about living in the moment.

There's a lot of lads in the current circumstances sitting around with nothing to do, only try and beat Herman like he owes you money. It's not ideal, but we all have to make sacrifices.

The lockdown is a rare opportunity to reevaluate your relationship with visiting 'one-handed websites'. It's a chance to get back in touch with the imagination. Do you think Robert Smith would have wrote Pictures of You if he was box-eyed from flittering at himself watching depressing videos on one of those tube sites?

I think not.

You're taking it too much offhand. It's like you're over-thinking it Sean, time to leave the cat O licks to their own, branch out.

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Do you think Robert Smith would have wrote Pictures of You if he was box-eyed from flittering at himself watching depressing videos on one of those tube sites?

I think not.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by tube sites...

Church on Tuesday

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's Hammer Time!
(Or not, in the case of the OP)

Hammer fall?

Hammer89

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

This is an important thread, as is the etiquette thread. It's about living in the moment.

There's a lot of lads in the current circumstances sitting around with nothing to do, only try and beat Herman like he owes you money. It's not ideal, but we all have to make sacrifices.

The lockdown is a rare opportunity to reevaluate your relationship with visiting 'one-handed websites'. It's a chance to get back in touch with the imagination. Do you think Robert Smith would have wrote Pictures of You if he was box-eyed from flittering at himself watching depressing videos on one of those tube sites?

I think not.

Remember when you had to work for your nut, back in the day when you had to check the RTE guide for what time Eurotrash starts, and even then you were hoping that the naked botanist from Eindhoven was going to be a looker, otherwise it wasn't going to work.

I said this before, but man, a lot of teenagers these days, with an infinite amount of graphic content at their finger tips, are going to progress into adulthood with some serious problems.

Feisar

s1ippy wrote: »

There is definitely a lot to be said for going organic, use your memory wankbank instead of taking it digital every time. That way Google don't get the added metrics of your own private stash when they're getting your sexual preference profile. You can also **** contentedly in the knowledge that no pussies were harmed in the making of your content.

Try doing it every other day for max power, or just sit on your hand for a while and then hold it in place with your other hand for an exotic mystery experience.

The only problem with using my memory is I start drifting into my imagination and like the old maps showing the edge of the world; here be monsters.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

All the emojis are giving head!

You will so regret watching this video here just so you know.