insight into crazy family situation needed

chris525

tara73 wrote: »

I get you are very angry with your father OP, and rightly so. But as said, you had many threads here and nothing we say seems to help.

I'm obsessed with my family problems because I want to fix it. I want it sorted. It also gives me something to think about and to be on my mind.

My husband's family isn't what I want. I can't relate to them at all and don't enjoy their company yet they live down the road. I get bored at family functions. I'm not from Ireland and I don't really like the way that people socialize here. My husband refuses to move elsewhere that's more my speed and I can't just leave.

It's not that I didn't want kids it's just that I wanted to raise them in a very different way than my husband does. I wanted them to have a nanny and a lot of extra-curricular activities. He wants them to be home all the time.

I don't know how to drive and I'm not interested in cars but where my husband has chosen for us to live it's hard to do anything without a car.

I've spent a lot of money on university but I also find my office job boring mostly because I haven't found any work friends or people at work that I really enjoy. I like to be able to express my feelings, ideas and say what I think without some fragile egos getting in the way. It's also a cultural difference.

chris525

Neyite wrote: »

You have a tenous relationship with your paternal grandparents. You've not even met them in person yet you want them to punish your father. What you want is a fantasy. You want to be brought into the fold like the long lost granddaughter and celebrated. And you want him cast out of the family entirely.

They have already brought me into the fold like a long lost granddaughter to be celebrated. We haven't even met yet and they sent me large sums of money. This is causing me pain.

Rather than them viewing me like a stranger they haven't met yet, they decided to take on the grandparent role. This is causing me pain.

They have a fantasy of my father and I reconciling. I don't know where this came from as I never once indicated that I wanted to.

I would prefer it if they just treated me like the stranger that I am and cool it until we have met.

Hannibal_Smith

chris525 wrote: »

Well, I wasn't looking for a relationship with his side of the family. They chose to do that. They sucked me in and at first I thought I could deal with it but now I can't. It's going to be hard to back out now because I bonded with them but I can't see how this is going to work out.

This isn't a good place for me but a part of me feels like my father is kind of winning if I go away. Like if I stick around then he hasn't won the war.

I don't understand how anyone can be loyal to a deadbeat dad. If my son did that I would not think highly of him at all and would not feel loving towards him.

They bonded with you and you bonded with them. No one was hoodwinked or tricked. Bonding with them is a positive thing and despite not knowing you, they seem to have been very nice to you. Again, that's a good thing.

The problem is that your focus is on punishing your dad, having everyone hear your side and as a result of that turn against him. The focus is so strong it is blanking out any good.

If my son got someone pregnant and turned their back on their kid, I would absolutely be furious and march him right up to the house and face his responsibilities.

But its too late for that. It happened, nothing can change it. It would take something very strong for me to disown my son. If they disowned their child and I disowned him, it would make me just as bad as him.

You don't really know the conversation your father and your mum had at the time. Its a really lousy thing he did on you and I get you must feel that your hurt is being brushed under the carpet. But it sounds like your grandparents are trying to ease things for you. That's a good thing.

If its too hard to have a relationship with your grandparents you don't have to continue with it but don't punish them and yourself by denying yourselves a positive relationship because of what your father did. They are allowed to love their son and not like what he did. They were denied something too.

Idle Passerby

All of your various posts paint you as a deeply unhappy and angry person. Is there any aspect of your life you get pleasure from? Because you seem dissatisfied with absolutely everything. At the end of the day it's up to you to make yourself happy and it's never going to happen if you insist on obsessing over negatives and insisting that it's everyone else's responsibility to solve your problems.

I suspect your counselling didn't help because you refused to be open to the idea that you need to help yourself. The best revenge is a life well lived as they say.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm obsessed with my family problems because I want to fix it. I want it sorted. It also gives me something to think about and to be on my mind

chris525 wrote: »

I don't want their gifts. I want my father to be punished.

Is punishing your father the way to fix it?

chris525

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

They bonded with you and you bonded with them. No one was hoodwinked or tricked. Bonding with them is a positive thing and despite not knowing you, they seem to have been very nice to you. Again, that's a good thing.

The problem is that your focus is on punishing your dad, having everyone hear your side and as a result of that turn against him. The focus is so strong it is blanking out any good.

If my son got someone pregnant and turned their back on their kid, I would absolutely be furious and march him right up to the house and face his responsibilities.

But its too late for that. It happened, nothing can change it. It would take something very strong for me to disown my son. If they disowned their child and I disowned him, it would make me just as bad as him.

You don't really know the conversation your father and your mum had at the time. Its a really lousy thing he did on you and I get you must feel that your hurt is being brushed under the carpet. But it sounds like your grandparents are trying to ease things for you. That's a good thing.

If its too hard to have a relationship with your grandparents you don't have to continue with it but don't punish them and yourself by denying yourselves a positive relationship because of what your father did. They are allowed to love their son and not like what he did. They were denied something too.

They still could march up to his house and make him face his responsibilities.

chris525

Idle Passerby wrote: »

All of your various posts paint you as a deeply unhappy and angry person. Is there any aspect of your life you get pleasure from? Because you seem dissatisfied with absolutely everything. At the end of the day it's up to you to make yourself happy and it's never going to happen if you insist on obsessing over negatives and insisting that it's everyone else's responsibility to solve your problems.

I suspect your counselling didn't help because you refused to be open to the idea that you need to help yourself. The best revenge is a life well lived as they say.

I've never met a counsellor that actually said or did anything to me that helped in any way. Every session she just kept asking 'how do you feel?' UH I feel ANGRY DUH

That's literally all she ever said and I was paying 70 EUR an hour for that.

Idle Passerby

chris525 wrote: »

I've never met a counsellor that actually said or did anything to me that helped in any way. Every session she just kept asking 'how do you feel?' UH I feel ANGRY DUH

That's literally all she ever said and I was paying 70 EUR an hour for that.

The counsellors job is not to fix your problem for you but to help you learn how to fix it for yourself. That's obviously not going to happen when you go in there with a massive chip on your shoulder and an unwillingness to really look at your own toxic thought processes.

Neyite

chris525 wrote: »

They still could march up to his house and make him face his responsibilities.

What responsibilities does he have and how can they make someone who's an adult face them?

lozenges

OP. I also come from a single parent family, my father had no interest in me or my sibling. We met him 4-5 times during my life because my mother insisted. He refused to ever pay maintenance (claimed he was unemployed, moved in and out of the country we grew up in). The last time I ever saw or heard from him was when I was about 12, after I had been hospitalised for a serious illness.

Guess what - I don't care about him. He may be related to me genetically, but he is a stranger. My mother parented us and did a great job.

I am an adult now, I have my own life as does my sibling. Perhaps he will suffer some guilt as a result of his actions, perhaps not. His life is immaterial to me.

You need to move on with your own life. If your grandparents sending you money hurts you, send it back. Say thank you but I can't accept this
If contacting them hurts you, reduce contact.

Your father will have to live with the person he is, but nobody is going to punish him for you.

chris525

Neyite wrote: »

What responsibilities does he have and how can they make someone who's an adult face them?

He was an adult at the time. He was 21 so the logic fails. He could step up and take responsibility for this, come clean, pay me the 40K he owes me and be a part of my life.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Okay, OP, you have received a lot of advice in this thread (and other threads) on this issue. This is an advice forum where people seek help on an issue that is impacting them. Posters cannot advise you on how to punish your father and they cannot give you legal advice in relation to suing him.

Furthermore, I see you have posted elsewhere on the issue and perhaps you may find the answers you are looking for there.

I am closing the thread in the circumstances and suggest you try and seek counselling on it.