Can you stay friends after an affair? - Please see Mod Note in OP

Tork

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

He had an affair. The OP did not.

That's one take on it. She knew what she was getting into though and she could've said no at any time. It takes two people to have an affair/relationship/apply your own label. "No" has now been said on her behalf because of recent events. She would be wise to take this opportunity to cut her losses and move on with her own life.

sallyanne12

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Sallyanne I've deleted your post. If you have a problem with moderator direction, questioning in thread is not the way to do it. Please see the Charter on this.

Posters have already been asked to answer the question the OP has asked and I've deleted another set of Off Topic posts.

The OP has come here looking for constructive civil advice on their issue. If you have not got or cannot offer advice in a constructive manner to the question the OP has asked, please do not post in the thread.

Right considering I can’t speak about my feelings on the subject, I’ll give the OP my Thoughts and advice purely without emotion.
You’ve been seeing the married man for several years yet he never left his wife for you. Love is strong and he doesn’t love you, if he did he had plenty of time to leave. As soon as his wife found out, his first reaction was to go to her NOT to you.
I bet he hasn’t been declaring his love to you since the wife found out? You will never be friends. If you’re “friends” now, then you’ll be knowing he’s with his wife sleeping with his wife. If him and his wife break up and he stays your friend but goes for some other woman, how will you feel as his friend knowing he’s seeing someone else. So no, you are not friends and won’t be. What you could be is his option if his wife leaves him which is a high possibility (don’t know how the wife could forgive years of lies and betrayal as he didn’t come clean, she found out!) but then he’ll only be going for you because he lost the woman he wanted... you should go for a man who loves you as number 1 not someone’s leftovers. How this mans selfishness doesn’t turn you off him is beyond me.
You should take that power away from him and go for someone else then the selfish man will get what he deserves which is nobody

Goodigal

OP, do you want to be the friend he comes to now, with tales of woe about how his wife has told him to leave, and he's nowhere to live but he wants to see his children, and have to listen to all the drama that is going to unfold? Because if he does love you and wants to be with you, you will be listening to it. And much more. His life is about to get more difficult by the day. It's a pity you didn't fall for a better man (and I say this as someone who's husband had an affair so I am trying to be restrained in my reply!)

Neyite

Op, if he's going to make a go of it with his wife, almost certainly cutting all contact with you will be a pre-condition of her and him to save the marriage. So I don't think the choice to stay friends will be in your hands at all, I'm afraid. You will likely find yourself blocked and ignored. (until he thinks the coast is clear to rekindle again maybe)

In any relationship, being true friends only happens when the feelings die off. I've ex's I'd be happy to be friends with now, because any romantic feelings are long gone. But trying to stay friends when you have feelings for someone is really only codding yourself and you usually get hurt in the process.

If I told you you could do better you probably wouldn't believe me so I'll say this: while he's working on his marriage stay well away - for your sake. Being 'friends', listening to him talk about how he's trying with his wife will hurt you. So protect your heart here. You'll already get the brunt of the anger from his wife (other women always do) and there's a good chance that he'll be ok with you getting the blame of it all.

You must be hurting too. I'm sure there was a big part of you thinking that when the wife found out, he would leave and you could be together honestly as a couple, so it is a rejection and a break up all at once. Plus you get to be the one branded a home wrecker despite him being the one who took marriage vows.

So I would say, stay away, block his number, do what you need to do to get over this relationship but don't let his situation hurt you any more than it has done already.

Dog day

OP, although it’s possible to be friends with an Ex the odds are stacked against you here. Indeed you can’t even classify this man as an ex as he’s never committed to you.

Be honest with yourself, it’s not truly friendship you’re seeking with this man.

He’s made his choice. That’s tough, it hurts & it will hurt for some time to come but you need to leave him in the past, that’s the only way to finding happiness in the future with someone who’s free to commit to you.

He’s now looking after his needs, he’s made his priorities clear & you’re not one of them. He’s not & indeed never will be your friend. I’m sure deep down you know that.

I wish you well.

Big Bag of Chips

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but he's calling the shots now.

I disagree. His wife is calling the shots now. And I imagine if he wants to work things out with her, one condition will be that he has no more contact with you.

A "friendship" with him now after going behind his wife's back for so long is wholly inappropriate, and not actually what you're looking for at all, is it? You love him. You believe he loves you.

He can't have both of you. Not anymore. And he has decided he wants his wife and family. There's an excellent chance once she processes all this she will find she can't get past it and the marriage will probably end anyway. In which case you just wait for him to come back to you as second choice.

cloudatlas

People need to stop being so judgemental without knowing all the facts here. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.

The O.P. doesn't want to be just friends and this man, he wants to make his marriage work so it's time to step away and leave them to it I'm afraid, maybe find a professional to talk to to help the transition.