Do men generally have a more "distant" relationship with their children?

mr_fegelien

I'm not sure whether this is due to biological factors or cultural factors.

I never realized it but I'd say that knowing my parents and my cousins parents, the mothers are closer to their children. Not saying the fathers are not involved in their childrens lives, not at all. But it's more that they're 'stoic'/more serious.

In the case of my father, he never says "I love you". I didn't think my father was stereotypically masculine given that he's pretty short (5ft 7in) and taken some abuse from me verbally which the "head of the household" might not but when I think about it, he's never cried, never showed emotion. I've made my mother cry on one hand from saying something inappropriate but I can't even imagine my father crying because he just seems more "emotionally strong".

My cousins father is a bit more relaxed than my father but he still seems like a more serious character.

The explanation for this I've read is that men are biologically less emotional than women but I don't know about this. I lean more toward cultural because I know many Irish fathers that are both parents and friendly with their kids just like the mothers. I think perhaps the culture I'm from puts more of an emphasis on traditional gender roles.

Is what I described a common phenomenon? What do you think is the cause of this?

gifted

Don't think that's the case anymore....I can't go 5 min without hugging my three chicks.....feeling down, gis a hug.......sitting on the couch, gis a hug.....as soon as they walk into the kitchen in the morning, gis a hug.
Herself is more involved with them but that's because she's around them more than me during the day......but they know who to go to when they want something cos I'm " weak and easy"...lol lol

Also have to add that my own Dad was and still.is a brilliant dad, he would do anything for his 7 kids bless him and I love him to bits. His own father died when he was 14 so he's been a father figure for over 67 years to his siblings and his own children. I'll try all I want but I wouldn't lace his boots when it comes to Dadness...bless him

jon1981

I have a distant relationship with my father in that we haven't talked in 15 years. Nothing to do with his height ( he wasnt tall anyway), he was just a pure prick, complete womanising sociopath. From all accounts he slept with half of Dublin.

Anyway.... I've taken that experience and ensured i never pass it on. My children are my world and they know it.

_Kaiser_

I love my little fella and have no problem saying it, but at the same time I do find myself more of a traditionalist in some ways vs his mother. I'll preface this by saying that my own father wasn't around for most of my life (and now dead), and my mam wasn't the most maternal person ever (now dead too) so I had to grow up pretty quickly in some ways as a kid who was expected to mind my younger sister a lot of the time too.

I tend to be less tolerant of messing and being used as a climbing frame, and I think he doesn't hear the word "no" enough sometimes, and I'd be far more inclined to push him to be more independent than he is.

His mam on the other hand let's him pretty much run the show, decide what he wants to eat and when, would never tell him to get his own snack or drink from the press/fridge and still dresses him every day. This tends to annoy me a bit as he's 8, not 18 months.

I think she has something in common with another ex of mine in that while she's very close to him and always puts him first (nothing wrong with either), she's more concerned with keeping him happy and being his friend sometimes. It generally means that I end up as the bad guy when he (in my view) pushes things too far.

I think this trend is fairly common nowadays and if left unchecked is part of the reason why kids are growing up with no respect for their parents or authority in general leading to other issues.

I often find myself thinking "wasn't like that when I was a kid" and I don't think that the modern notion of treating young children as little adults who should be allowed to express themselves, indulged and listened to is always a good thing or appropriate.

God, I'm turning into my mother

pwurple

It's partly the way Irish society has been constructed too. From the very beginning, Maternity / Paternity leave is unequal and unshareable. Mothers get their box of time, and fathers get a much much shorter box of time with a newborn. And it doesn't matter how your own family is set up (mother as breadwinner, father as stay at home parent for example), the leave is very rigid. This is different to how other countries work, where it can be shared as the family wants. This sets up an imbalance in the bond with babies and parents from day dot.

Mattdhg

I think women are closer to young children as they are generally the main care providers, eg maternity leave. I definitely found myself getting significantly closer with my father as I matured and we could have an actual friendship, bond over the same things. While he may be less vocal about his love for his kids I know for a fact he would walk through fire if he thought it would help us.

Maybe its a masculinity thing, or just an Irish thing. I find myself increasingly turning into my dad, in my relationships I prefer to show love than to say it.

banie01

I'm a male, I'm a father(and was a single parent for a long time) and I have what i would consider a very close relationship with my son.
Granted that relationship was forged and shaped by our loss of his Mam, but even if she was still with us?
I don't really imagine our relationship being anything other than it is now.

The move towards equalizing parental leave will have an effect on improving the dynamic of paternal relationships in the longer term for society in general.

There is a marked generational shift in parenting styles that probably lies along the late 70s early 80s.
Millenials are putting a far greater importance on empathy and relationships with their children, not that earlier generations didn't.
They really put an effort into providing for their children materially, rather than emotionally.
Now, those emotional and support needs are being recognised as just as important.

One eyed Jack

mr_fegelien wrote: »

Is what I described a common phenomenon? What do you think is the cause of this?

Nowt to do with biology or culture, everything to do with the personalities of the individuals involved in the relationships between parents themselves and their children. Both my own parents were strict authoritarian types, and some of their children responded well to that type of parenting, and some of their children not so well. I still remember my uncle on my fathers side getting drunk at a wedding and taking me aside to tell me “your father was a briar too when he was your age!” :pac:

With my own son I’m pretty much the same, I’d be an authoritarian parent and his mother is a more permissive parent, and he just has a different relationship with both of us - with me we’ll often butt heads and with his mother they talk about everything that I don’t want to know about. We still have a great relationship, and he knows how much he is cared for by both his parents.

Only yesterday, because he thought yesterday was Father’s Day, he gave me a card attached below

Airyfairy12

Men arent less emotional than women and not crying doesnt make someone 'emotionally strong' - that emotion comes out in other ways either depression, anger or addiction. Men are raised differently than women, theyre heavily discouraged from crying, they grow up listening to phrases like boys don't cry, man up, grow a pair, theyre encouraged to express frustration in different ways such as anger, even their toys are designed to discourage healthy emotion and encourage violence - toy guns, soldiers etc. Theres a high suicide rate amongst men because of their unhealthy ways of expressing emotions. Just because they dont cry doesnt mean theyre stronger.
Girls are discouraged from showing frustration through anger or anything other than crying. They grow up hearing phrases like 'thats not lady like' and are given pretend makeup, baby dolls, prams, play kitchens, toy household cleaning items like pretend hoovers, ironing boards and irons, toy dustpans and brushes. Women are raised from a very young age to care for and look after others.

I only really developed a good relationship with my dad as an adult, he was always very similar to how you describe your dad but looking back he was very depressed with addictions.

I think it's changing now to some extent, I notice fathers are much more involved with their children, seeing allot more men pushing prams and over hearing them talk about their kids on the bus/train.. I didnt come across that as much years ago, I would hope that things are becoming more equal and men are taking on their shared responsibility of their children.

Having said that, I still often over hear men saying theyre babysitting their kids while the misses is out, you cant babysit your own kids, its called being a parent.

Silentcorner

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Men arent less emotional than women and not crying doesnt make someone 'emotionally strong' - that emotion comes out in other ways either depression, anger or addiction. Men are raised differently than women, theyre heavily discouraged from crying, they grow up listening to phrases like boys don't cry, man up, grow a pair, theyre encouraged to express frustration in different ways such as anger, even their toys are designed to discourage healthy emotion and encourage violence - toy guns, soldiers etc. Theres a high suicide rate amongst men because of their unhealthy ways of expressing emotions. Just because they dont cry doesnt mean theyre stronger.

Can we put to bed this gender studies nonsense for once and for all....

I'm sorry you had a difficult upbringing, but the vast majority of men are reared in very healthy environments both at home and in school.

Boys are different to girls, they tend to play with different toys, they tend to create different fantasy worlds than girls, have different interests....there is absolutely nothing wrong with that it should be encouraged not shamed....those different interests carry into adulthood.

And while men do commit suicide at much higher levels, women attempt suicide at much higher levels, women are more prone to anxiety/depression than men.

Young girls aren't being "forced" into anything....that is a deluded fantasy.

dubstepper

I think there has been a big shift in the last 20 years. Myself and my friends are in our 40s now and all from Dublin. Each of us have the same story about our fathers. Didn't play a big part in our up bringing. Down the pub and back home for dinner when kids in bed. My dad wasn't angry or anything like that, just a lazy b*stard. My other pals would have fathers who has some level of drinking problems (certainly by todays standards).

I would like to think I am a good dad. Spend a lot of time doing things I never did with my dad. Tell them I love them, and try to support them in their choices (although they are not teenagers yet). I'm not perfect, I can lose the head a bit when pushed, but I think I am a good role model.

iptba

Mum's the Word: A tribute to my daughter's incredible father
Wednesday, June 17, 2020 - 07:45 PM

https://www.irishexaminer.com/breakingnews/lifestyle/mums-the-word-a-tribute-to-my-daughters-incredible-father-1005772.html

Church on Tuesday

Silentcorner wrote: »

Can we put to bed this gender studies nonsense for once and for all....

I'm sorry you had a difficult upbringing, but the vast majority of men are reared in very healthy environments both at home and in school.

Boys are different to girls, they tend to play with different toys, they tend to create different fantasy worlds than girls, have different interests....there is absolutely nothing wrong with that it should be encouraged not shamed....those different interests carry into adulthood.

And while men do commit suicide at much higher levels, women attempt suicide at much higher levels, women are more prone to anxiety/depression than men.

Young girls aren't being "forced" into anything....that is a deluded fantasy.

Some would have you believe that men and women are exactly the same which is a total nonsense.

Flickerfusion

It can be a social construct, how you were brought up or just someone’s individual personality. I think it’s changing a lot though. Younger men (I mean under about 50) seem to be a lot more focused on their kids than older generations.

I remember my grandmother saying her father was literally jeered on the street in Dublin back in the day for wheeling her and her sister in a pram while their mother was in hospital.

I’m not saying men and women are entirely identical, but the differences are hugely accentuated by social constructs. Men can be extremely good at parenting too.