At what point do you say "enough is enough?"

theballz

My mother and I have always a difficult relationship.

Growing up she was an alcoholic. She abused me terribly (not sexual) but mental abuse, constantly looking down on me, never being a mother and I can not remember once in my entire 32 years her telling me she loves me or is proud of me.

Thankfully, for the last number of years she has been sober and getting help (via AA, therapy etc) however, she has never once apologised. She has never acknowledged the way she treated me and still things the world revolves around her. Ever since a young age I have been in therapy myself, I am anti depressants and I struggle to make relationships with people. Doctors have told me more than once that this is due to my difficult upbringing and I try my best to cope with it.

However, when I am around my mother she gets under my skin. I have told her that I am in therapy, on antidepressants and working a lot of myself (self help, meditation, fitness, wellbeing,) yet she constantly tries to knock me back. Today, we were having a coffee in her garden and for no reason she said “for your birthday I am going to pay for an anger management course for you.” I had not said anything or done anything to provoke that.

For the last number of years I have struggled to maintain a good relationship with female partners. Mainly down to trust issues. I try my best with my mother, I ring her everyday to see if she needs me, I have been successful in my career and I hope she is proud (she never says just tries to tell me it won’t last.) I know she has her own issues but how long do I take this for?

At what point is enough, enough?

I’ve told her how I feel, she just ignores it. My father, brothers see it and won’t get involved. I love my mom but she is making me more and more depressed, alone and anxious. It makes me feel ill and I don’t know what I done to deserve this.

I’ve no idea what to do but I can’t see how this is going to get any better. I have tried everything.

Lefty Bicek

What I have discovered, the hard way, is that blood is not thicker than water.

You have to walk away, and you know it.

The point that I said 'enough is enough', was four years ago last March.

I regret having had to do it, but I had to do it, and I did it.

It was a good decision, and I become more sure of that as time has gone on. And much less sure that we will ever meet again.

I have no idea how the other side feels, but that isn't my responsibility anyway.

You may fear that it will haunt you for the rest of your life, but if the alternatives are worse...

Always look forward, never look back.

Walk away.

theballz

Lefty Bicek wrote: »

What I have discovered, the hard way, is that blood is not thicker than water.

You have to walk away, and you know it.

The point that I said 'enough is enough', was four years ago last March.

I regret having had to do it, but I had to do it, and I did it.

It was a good decision, and I become more sure of that as time has gone on. And much less sure that we will ever meet again.

I have no idea how the other side feels, but that isn't my responsibility anyway.

You may fear that it will haunt you for the rest of your life, but if the alternatives are worse...

Always look forward, never look back.

Walk away.

I keep making excuses for her actions. Trying to remind myself that she is sick and she doesn’t mean it but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

In a weird way when she started going to AA it got a hell of a lot worse. I don’t know much of these meetings but the feeling I get from her is that these people are blaming everyone but themselves for their issues.

My mother cannot look to herself and say she was wrong. It is always someone else’s fault, again, that in itself is a sickness. I don’t feel like she ever viewed me as a son, she never cared or loved me. I don’t know what I did and what age I did it but I cannot get my head around it

valoren

The best advice? Realise that the only way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with toxic people. It doesn't matter if they are friends and family. Life is too short to spend your time with, trying to deal with and trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with assholes. From personal experience, I highly recommend it. It says a lot about someone when they can't admit they are wrong, such people are a drain emotionally. Cut contact if possible.

Lefty Bicek

theballz wrote: »

I keep making excuses for her actions. Trying to remind myself that she is sick and she doesn’t mean it but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

In a weird way when she started going to AA it got a hell of a lot worse. I don’t know much of these meetings but the feeling I get from her is that these people are blaming everyone but themselves for their issues.

My mother cannot look to herself and say she was wrong. It is always someone else’s fault, again, that in itself is a sickness. I don’t feel like she ever viewed me as a son, she never cared or loved me. I don’t know what I did and what age I did it but I cannot get my head around it

Who knows what goes on in the minds of others ?

Who knows what she has been through in eg early years, but simply can't express ?

Who knows whether the booze is cause, effect, or neither ?

Ultimately, all of that is irrelevant at this point in your life.

Not your responsibility.

Holding you back.

You're looking back. Never look back. Always look forward.

You don't have to shut the door, necessarily. But on balance, do you think there would ever be a knock on the door ?

If not, easy decision I'd have thought.

Lefty Bicek

valoren wrote: »

The best advice? Realise that the only way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with toxic people. It doesn't matter of they are friends and family. Life is too short to spend your time with trying to deal with and maintain some semblance of a relationship with assholes. From personal experience, I highly recommend it. It says a lot about someone when they can't admit they are wrong, such people are a drain emotionally. Cut contact if possible.

Emphatically, yes.

Pistachio19

You have to stop trying. You will never have the mother you crave and deserve. She doesn't exist. The one who does exist is a selfish cow who emotionally abuses you. Walk away. Put yourself first. Stop calling her to see if she needs anything. Sounds like she's well able to fend for herself. Nothing has changed by giving up alcohol. She's still selfish, mean, unable to take responsibility for her actions, thus placing blame anywhere else. Give yourself a gift of peace of mind and just stop contacting her and pandering to her. She doesn't deserve your kindness, your loyalty - she throws it back at you. Focus on your future now. You can still maintain a relationship with your dad and siblings without having to contact her. It's time to make yourself proud of your achievements, not her or anyone else.

Rochester

Walk away, just because she is your mother, it doesn't give her the right to treat you this way and you owe her nothing. It doesn't get better.

Tokyo

Mod: thread moved from AH > PI. Please note that the local charter now applies.

buried

It's difficult because its your mother, but it doesn't matter. If you are being treated badly and you can see it, then you don't need validation from anybody to be rid of it. A couple of people I know are treated very badly by their mother, not full frontal abuse, but it doesn't have to be full frontal abuse. These people I know have been shadowed by their mother all of their lives, won't let them live, won't let them leave, won't let them go, for all intensive purposes they try to pretend to everyone else its like The Brady Bunch. And it is, but not in the good way they try to convince themselves it is. You have to let go and move on with your own life. Any decent parent would let their child do it too. Sounds harsh, It will happen eventually anyways, definitely when they pass on. But you have to live your life and its way too short to remain shadowed by noise that is no benefit to you, even if they were the ones that brought you into it. You owe them nothing, only to live your life the best way you can while you can, it's not their place to see you as an extension of them and just to do or act however they want.

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt be so quick to walk away, cutting out a parent is an incredibly painful and sometimes traumatic thing to do at any age and not something suited to everybody.
All I can think of suggesting is that you stand up for yourself more when things happen with her and remove yourself from uncomfortable or aggravating situations. If she makes an out of place comment such as getting you anger management course, stand up, tell youre heading off as you have something to do and leave, you dont have to listen to her remarks. If she's in a particularly bad mood with you or she's regularly making comments, stop communicating with her for a couple of days/weeks until she cops on and gets over herself. Only engage with her on your terms and when she is being respectful, ignore all disrespect from her, don't engage with it, leave her on her own when she starts being negative. Once she can see that its no longer getting to you and youre taking a stand, she may be a little bit more aware of herself when she's around you and even if she's not, you'll be no longer leaving yourself in the line of fire so it's a win win.

Theres a group on facebook called messesary family estrangement, it's kind of like a support group for people with no contact and low contact with family members like your mother.
Id recommend it as it helps to share you experience with people who get it.

Skibunny77

Please read John Bradshaws Homecoming or watch some of his YouTube videos on Oprah - he is a fantastic practitioner who specialises in supporting people who grew up with alcoholic parent/s. I think you will find it helpful.

PoisonIvyBelle

Walk away. You didn't get to choose to do that as a child, but you can choose now.

statto25

Youre not walking away, you're protecting yourself. If you are suffering mental health wise then look after yourself. I have had no contact with either parents for 5 months now and while it was so difficult, it was necessary as my own health was rock bottom. Work on yourself OP with counselling and work on the acceptance side of the decision. You will be confronted with taunts of "turning your back" and "ignoring/walking away from your family" but at the end of the day you know the reasons why and its not your job to explain to anyone. The phrases "blood is thicker is than water" and "a mothers love is unconditional" make me laugh now as they are wrong, like the others above Ive learnt that the hard way

happyday

You are getting a lot of advice to cut contact and walk away here. How does that sit with you? Is it what you feel deep down is right for you?

You asked what you did wrong and when. Probably nothing. It sounds like your mother is dealing with her own demons and it is easy for her to take it out on you because you are always there and, I'm sorry to say, because you will take it from her and call her again the next day. She thinks she can say anything to you and get away with it.

My own feeling would be to take a step back. Cut down on how often you ring her and call over to her. And as another poster said, if she starts being offensive, say I've got to go, and leave it a week or so before you make contact again. You don't have to listen to that and it's not doing you any good.

Hope that helps a bit. Take care of yourself.

HildaOgdenx

statto25 wrote: »

You're not walking away, you're protecting yourself. If you are suffering mental health wise then look after yourself. I have had no contact with either parents for 5 months now and while it was so difficult, it was necessary as my own health was rock bottom. Work on yourself OP with counselling and work on the acceptance side of the decision. You will be confronted with taunts of "turning your back" and "ignoring/walking away from your family" but at the end of the day you know the reasons why and its not your job to explain to anyone. The phrases "blood is thicker is than water" and "a mothers love is unconditional" make me laugh now as they are wrong, like the others above Ive learnt that the hard way

I'm inclined to agree with this poster.

You mention ringing her every day, I suggest stopping that. Yes, she might complain or others might, but you need to put yourself first, and even that one thing might help to clarify how it would feel if you were to reduce or cut contact with her.

I know you mentioned that she no longer drinks, but the linked post, from a previous thread, might also help.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=113635384&postcount=8

I have seen this book recommended here and elsewhere, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Definitely worth a look, I would say.

Take care.