Treated differently by my family

LegacyUser

I posted here some time ago regarding my family and how they treat me differently to my other siblings. I suspect it is because im female and my siblings are male. I cant see into my parents souls and say why they do anything but some of my reasons for feeling this way are how my brothers were encouraged to go college, they were financially supported throughout, congratulated when they did well etc.
I was discouraged from studying to higher level unless it was to pursue a career in nursing or childcare. They wanted me to do Hairdressing and would tell family and friends that this is what I was going to do. They still make comments that I should go and study beauty therapy. I have 2 third level degrees, I funded myself through both of them.

When we were children my mother and grandmother would teach me how to wash floors, vacuum, dust, iron clothes - I was expected to Iron my families clothes from age 8 or 9 and was often scolded for not helping out more with household duties, the more I helped - mostly out of guilt and desperately wanting to be accepted, the more I would be expected to do. My father and older brother would come to me with their shirts and ask me to iron them because 'girls do the ironing'.
My parents would often make comments about when I grow up and im a mother and somebodies wife, ill need to know how to do these things.
My brothers were never expected to take on any household duties.

Growing up my older brother made my life a nightmare, he bullied me relentlessly at home, his behaviour was awful, he would regularly beat me up, destroy my belongings, steal my things and even sexually molested my friends when I brought them to the house. I never told my parents about the sexual abuse but whenever he would hurt me physically or break my things and I went to my parents about it, they would scream at me to 'f' off and to leave my brother alone. I would constantly get blamed for things he did and felt like a scapegoat as anytime anything happened at home, I become the verbal punching bag. It was abusive emotionally, I felt bullied by my whole family.

When I got into my first relationship, my boyfriend and his friends treated me really badly, they would constantly make sexist and rape jokes and I just wasnt happy in the relationship. Anytime id break up with him my parents would guilt me into getting back with him and give out to me for hurting his feelings by ending the relationship. I kept going back to the point the relationship became really toxic and ended on very bad terms.

The abuse at home really escalated when I went to college in my early 20's, I was in college the first time and my mother was seething about it, she was dying for me to fail the course and I was constantly met with criticism from my parents who would tell me I was wasting my time etc, they spread rumours about me, started a little smear campaign, it was one of the worst times in my life, they turned completely against me. I think this was jealousy from my mother, she is very good at manipulating people/dragging them into her drama and turning people against others. Just your standard bully.

Besides this there was the financial side of things too, my brothers were and are given money regularly, theyre bought phones, laptops, computers helped to pay rent etc, my parents wouldnt p!ss on me if I was on fire and constantly make excuses as to why they cant help me out when I need it.

Over the years our relationship has improved, I learned how to stand up for myself and not let them walk on me the way they used to. I will not stand for them speaking down to me and will happily tell them where to go if I need to.
The issue is, sometimes I forget that they think differently about me than they do my brothers, for example, a couple of weeks ago in my parents house I used bad language a couple of time when speaking to my dad, he turned and said to me 'Thats not lady like, stop using that language' I nearly put my fist through the wall, I can control my temper and obviously didnt act out violently but I felt rage, all I could do in that moment was to tell him to 'f' off.. It triggered me so much.

Im trying to learn how to drive, I was getting lessons before lockdown but due to the new requirements for new drivers I cant buy a car until I get my full licence as I wont be able to drive it on a provisional and the insurance costs are so high. I practically begged my parents to let me go on their insurance - Id pay for it myself obviously but this way I can practice outside lessons, get my full licence which will bring down insurance for me and I can finally get my own car as im getting nowhere with lessons alone and theyre costing me a bomb.

I went to my parents for help as a last resort, I really had to swallow my pride when asking them for help, I need a car for work, its really important that I learn how to drive. They said yes but when it came to me actually going on the insurance ive been met with excuse after excuse, it's been over a year now and it's evidently not going to happen.They will lie to family and say theyve been offering me help when they haven't.

They practically had a fight with my younger brother because he wouldnt accept driving lessons from them last year, he doesnt want to drive.
Today he got notification that he passed all his exams for his first year college, my parents are delighted, telling everyone that he passed, so proud of him. I didnt get so much as a well done from either of them for either of my degrees.

This is more of a rant but I just needed to get this out before I explode. Hearing my parents congratulate my brother after how they reacted to me getting my full qualifications, never mid passing first year it just brings up everything. I dont want to not have a relationship with my family but no matter what I do, no matter if I stand up for myself and stop them abusing me, it's still there, we're still being treated differently. They wont be 'proud' of me until im married, barefoot and pregnant.
Ive been to counselling and found it helpful but just cant get past the anger and resentment I feel.
What do I say to my parents about all this? Its such strange behaviour in my view.

Hannibal_Smith

I wouldn't want their 'pride' and I wouldn't want anything from them.

I would move out and if that wasn't possible, figure out a way of getting lessons and a car, other than asking your parents. It's really really hard when you have a parent who tries to bring you down. You really want them to be proud, but for whatever reason they have, it never comes. You're just torturing yourself trying to bring them round.

crazylady1

Hi OP.

I remember your other threads. This is hard to hear but your parents are never going to be the parents that you want them to be. That's very difficult to accept but once you do accept it, it becomes easier to deal with. Your parents and brothers sound very toxic and narcissist.
You need to spend as little time with them as possible. Stop putting your energy into trying to please them and make them proud of you. It's made you miserable your whole life and will continue to do so if you let it.
You sound like a intelligent and successful woman. Be proud of your own achievements and don't look to others for approval.
Put a plan in place to put some distance between yourself and your parents.
I've learned through personal experience that you can't change people but you can change how you react to them. Wishing you all the best OP

seenitall

Hi OP,

Please read up on narcissism, and the concepts of golden children and scapegoats especially. It will open your eyes to the toxic processes in your family, and it will empower you to understand what has happened to you, and that it also happens in other families, behind closed doors. It will empower you to know that there was nothing you could have done differently, it's not your fault that you've been treated so badly and, most of all, it may spur you onto the path of complete independence from your parents, emotional and otherwise.

You will never be able to change your family dynamics or the way your parents treat you as "less". You may feel things have changed somewhat because you've grown and can bite back, but that is still far, far removed from them accepting you as an equal to your brothers and giving you the love and nurturing you should have been given as their precious child. That will never happen. I'm from a toxic family myself and am writing this as plainly as possible. It never happens. Your role in the family is long predetermined and you have to be fulfilling it one way or another. The only way not to be the scapegoat and the overlooked child is not to be there, physically or emotionally.

This is very serious. Please look into learning about the dynamics of toxic families, because unless you do, you will carry a heavy load of family toxicity for a very long time, and that could influence your emotions and your life choices in very negative and destructive ways. That's why I'm insisting on how important awareness is. Our formative experiences make us, and can damage us horribly, but we can help ourselves and save ourselves so much pain once we learn and understand about narcissism. Knowledge is power, understanding heals.

All the best to you.