Am I being too cold?

LegacyUser

So long story short,

I'm a 33 year old man and am seperated 2 years, I am currently in a 1 year relationship, with a woman I met through a mutual friend.

In conversation one time, I told her, I think all the fight in me is gone, if you want to leave me at any stage leave me. I can't force you to stay. After giving my ex wife the sun the moon and the stars for over 10 years, it has left me feeling like, It dosent really matter what you do for someone if they wanna go they will go. I know this sounds incredibly blunt however, I have lots of love to give and we have a great life together. As I said I know I can't force anyone to stay with me however I know that while we are together we have a great time, and who knows hopefully it will be forever.

Anyways last Monday to be exact she started a fight over something trivial and proceeded to pack her bags, a complete over reaction. I stood there all the while asking her what she was doing, why she thought this was rational? What could we do to sort it out?

However she turned around just as she went to walk out the door and said to me that she thought "I would at least have cried/ put up more of a fight/ begged her to stay" and "Was I really just gonna let her go"

I feel I have come across as a bit cold, because I wasn't begging and pleading with her not to go, I'm not going to lie it didn't bring a tear to my eye, however my heart sank when she went to leave. Since then things have been different. A bit frosty etc

Just looking for an opinion from someone outside looking in, I understand this was a test of sorts! Should I have put up more of a fight? Is this a childish game to have been played?

bitofabind

I think your girlfriend acted very immaturely, but I also think you have some work to do to fully get over your marriage. We don't have the full picture as to what she was acting out against.

Have you ever gone to therapy to deal with your marriage breakdown? It sounds like it was quite traumatic. To land yourself in a new relationship a year later is kind of quick unless you've done the work to sufficiently recover from it. We all come to the table with baggage in our 30s, but if yours is of a nature that it makes your girlfriend feel like you don't care if she stays or goes because it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to you, that can be quite painful. I know that's not your intention, but it may be coming across that way.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

I think your girlfriend acted very immaturely, but I also think you have some work to do to fully get over your marriage. We don't have the full picture as to what she was acting out against.

Have you ever gone to therapy to deal with your marriage breakdown? It sounds like it was quite traumatic. To land yourself in a new relationship a year later is kind of quick unless you've done the work to sufficiently recover from it. We all come to the table with baggage in our 30s, but if yours is of a nature that it makes your girlfriend feel like you don't care if she stays or goes because it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to you, that can be quite painful. I know that's not your intention, but it may be coming across that way.

Yeah I have gone to a Councillor who helped me greatly, she felt I hold a very strong grasp of my emotions and to a degree have created a barrier in myself where I have a through understanding that I can't influence anothers choices or decisions, they will do for themselves what I do for myself, so in essence I don't want to waste my time trying. If that makes sense

She really helped me in how I interact with my significant other, opened my eyes to how she needs to be treated as an individual and is not the same person my ex was. Its also important to note I started to see my Councillor before the end of my marriage as we had run I to problems I thought were all my fault. I spent an entire year and a lot of time and resource I to finding myself as such

We have a great life, there's passion, intimacy, fun, we embrace challenges together. We are a great team and a great couple. We talk we chat we communicate. She understands my issues that I work incredibly hard on and am a shadow of my former self.

you can find a balance that shows someone you care for them while not reacting to immature stunts like you describe her pulling.


work on the first for yourself. have a word eith her about the second.

lozenges

I think that threatening to leave is very immature, yes. It's emotional manipulation and I wouldn't think much of someone who carried on like that in a relationship.

However, that said, if I thought that my partner wasn't invested in the relationship and wouldn't work/put effort into solving problems that (inevitably) arise along the way, it wouldn't feel great.

So I think there's a bit of responsibility on both sides here.

SozBbz

AmIBeingCold wrote: »

In conversation one time, I told her, I think all the fight in me is gone, if you want to leave me at any stage leave me. I can't force you to stay. After giving my ex wife the sun the moon and the stars for over 10 years, it has left me feeling like, It dosent really matter what you do for someone if they wanna go they will go. I know this sounds incredibly blunt however, I have lots of love to give and we have a great life together. As I said I know I can't force anyone to stay with me however I know that while we are together we have a great time, and who knows hopefully it will be forever.

Hi OP,

Firstly I think it sounds like you're still carrying a lot of baggage from your marriage. It seems its effecting how your view relationships.

What you've said above, on one hand is just stating the obvious. No one can force another person to be in a relationship against their will - thats just fact. However making proclamations about your "lack of fight" and how you gave your ex the Sun, moon and stars etc, you must be able to see how that might come across as ambivalent to your girlfriend and perhaps seed some insecurities.

However, a silly arguemnt (and we only have your word for it that it was over something trivial) should not end up with a grown adult packing their bags. If you pack your bags with a cool head and having had a rational break up, then thats fine but in the heat of the moment, its quite dramatic. The fact that she freely admitted that she wanted a display from you in order to stay - don't feed into that because it will just happen again if you do.

Instead, if you do want to be with her, then perhaps you do owe her some reassurance but you need to do it outside of the context of an argument and not on the back of any dramatics.