Not caring about my health

Salthillprom

Hi, just looking for some opinions please.

I've got a serious lung issue. I've nearly died from it in the past, spent a lot of time in hospital and am under the care of a respiratory team on a constant basis, where my condition is managed well. I attend hospital every couple of weeks for medical treatment which can only be administered by a medical professional, as well as taking medicine, nebuliser at home. It's a bit of a hassle going to hospital all the time, but I've been doing it for so many years that I'm used to it and as I said, my condition is managed well. It's so well in fact that most people wouldn't even know that I have the condition, unless I tell them.

Because of Covid-19, I've been told by medical staff that I'm in the extremely vulnerable category. I was even told last week by my respiratory consultant that I'm not to go into people's houses but that outdoor BBQs (socially distanced) and walks are fine.

And herein lies the problem. I've told this to a particular person who is very close to me, let's call her Kate. Kate thinks I'm being OTT. Kate knows my past history with my illness but during the times I was at death's door, Kate lived abroad and didn't physically see me sick. Kate knows I get set backs every so often. Two weeks ago I was sick for example but I got over it.

Katie's kids are the same age as my kids and our kids are really close. Kate wants my children to go to her house on a play date. Kate and her family no longer socially distance and believes the virus cannot be got by children. She has many children from her estate in and out of her home daily. Today she messaged me asking for my daughter to go to her house.

I replied saying I'm happy to do so, as long as it is an outdoor play date. Kate responded to me that I'm essentially being OTT, that my kids have more of a chance of catching flu, that covid19 is essentially gone in the community. I explained that if I catch it, I'm a gonner. Kate said kids can't catch it. I disagreed. She argued back.

I am just so upset since the interaction. It was a full blown debate. She KNOWS my medical issues, she knows I'm a bag of nerves. I told her I'm not opposed to outdoor play dates but it's not good enough to her.

I feel like she doesn't care about my health issues, my worries or concerns and I feel like I've nowhere to turn. Please bear in mind that for reasons I cannot disclose, I cannot just ignore this woman and move on. Kate is going to another county with her family this weekend to stay in someone else's house with their family (who I'd also be close with). She's very lax about covid. Seems everyone is, except me.

Am I being ridiculous? I mean, I feel I cannot ignore what my consultant is telling me! Kate thinks I'm a massive drama queen and to be honest I feel so bullied by today's messages and blatant disregard for my feelings by her. Maybe I'm over-reacting. I haven't said anything to her about feeling this way. I wouldn't dare. She's a much stronger personality than me.

Kate is a moron. Stop letting your kids go to her house and vice versa. If you’re at such risk, ignore fools like her and look after yourself so your children don’t lose their mother. To hell with what Kate or people like her think. You are dead right.

Salthillprom

JayZeus wrote: »

Kate is a moron. Stop letting your kids go to her house and vice versa. If you’re at such risk, ignore fools like her and look after yourself so your children don’t lose their mother. To hell with what Kate or people like her think. You are dead right.

Thanks.

cannotlogin

Ask Kate for a copy of her medical degree!

Tell her you have been given strict advice by experts and that you are listening to it because it would be a fool to ignore it.

Her selfishness and ignorance is astounding.

Take care of yourself & to hell with what anyone else thinks.

Salthillprom

cannotlogin wrote: »

Ask Kate for a copy of her medical degree!

Tell her you have been given strict advice by experts and that you are listening to it because it would be a fool to ignore it.

Her selfishness and ignorance is astounding.

Take care of yourself & to hell with what anyone else thinks.

Yes, I agree. Kate argued the most recent medical expert she watched on TV said kids under 15 cannot get covid 19. Nothing I counter argued registered with her and her opinion appears to remain steadfast - that kids under 15 cannot get covid 19 and so, I'm essentially unreasonable not letting my kids go into her house and vice versa. Doesnt matter that there's a high chance I may not survive catching the infection. Really feel like I mean nothing to this woman and my illness is something to be debated or questioned.

leahyl

Salthillprom wrote: »

Yes, I agree. Kate argued the most recent medical expert she watched on TV said kids under 15 cannot get covid 19. Nothing I counter argued registered with her and her opinion appears to remain steadfast - that kids under 15 cannot get covid 19 and so, I'm essentially unreasonable not letting my kids go into her house and vice versa. Doesnt matter that there's a high chance I may not survive catching the infection. Really feel like I mean nothing to this woman and my illness is something to be debated or questioned.

Well she’s obviously completely wrong there because there have been a good number of children only diagnosed in Ireland in the last few weeks. She’s talking rubbish and she needs to understand and respect your concerns. I would just keep well away from this woman to be honest - doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me the way she’s carrying on. I’d be worried that if you did let your kids go to her house to play outside that she would still have them in the house anyway if you weren’t there.

bitofabind

What's that Mark Twain quote about never arguing with stupid people. Honestly, she sounds like those Trump-supporting clowns in the US refusing to wear face-masks because it infringes on their "freedom".

I think some drastic measures are necessary here and I think you should strongly consider ditching this woman from your life entirely. I'm sure that would come with significant discomfort and awkwardness given your kids' friendships, but it comes down to your health versus your friendship with her. That's the bottom line.

I'd advise ignoring her, not responding to any further communication (you'll never win with people this ignorant) and if anyone asks, you can tell them you made a decision to prioritise your health and that's all there is to it.

Salthillprom

bitofabind wrote: »

What's that Mark Twain quote about never arguing with stupid people. Honestly, she sounds like those Trump-supporting clowns in the US refusing to wear face-masks because it infringes on their "freedom".

I think some drastic measures are necessary here and I think you should strongly consider ditching this woman from your life entirely. I'm sure that would come with significant discomfort and awkwardness given your kids' friendships, but it comes down to your health versus your friendship with her. That's the bottom line.

I'd advise ignoring her, not responding to any further communication (you'll never win with people this ignorant) and if anyone asks, you can tell them you made a decision to prioritise your health and that's all there is to it.

Thanks. Yes, I know the mark twain quote - very apt.
I can't ditch her. I won't go into details why but it isn't an option. However, I am not going to engage further on the matter with her at all.

Away With The Fairies

"gone from the community". With an attitude like that, it will be someone like that spreading it in the community.

You owe her nothing, to fcuk with her, look after yourself.

Salthillprom

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

"gone from the community". With an attitude like that, it will be someone like that spreading it in the community.

You owe her nothing, to fcuk with her, look after yourself.

Yep. Told me I had a 1:1,000,000 chance of contracting it. It's gone, under 15s can't catch it coz their systems aren't developed enough or sthg to catch it. And she said that the only people in reality who die from it are overweight men over 50. Despite me repeating that I'm extreme vulnerable and outcome would likely not be good for someone like me. I asked medics a few wks ago if anyone else in the country with my condition caught Covid-19. I was told that two others had and are or were in ICU. I told Kate this. She ignored that statement.

XsApollo

I didn’t see my own kids for weeks at a time during the last few months because my ex is deemed in an at risk category and I was working and still mixing with others and when I did see them we had distance.
Better safe than sorry.

Salthillprom

XsApollo wrote: »

I didn’t see my own kids for weeks at a time during the last few months because my ex is deemed in an at risk category and I was working and still mixing with others and when I did see them we had distance.
Better safe than sorry.

Fair play to you. You're a considerate person.

the14thwarrior

alas Kate is one of those people who has to remain in your life.
So make it work better
really suggest changing your tack of communication with her.
If she wants to be so stupid about the whole thing, go ahead and let her be stupid. Just don't go along with it. Don't expose yourself or your family.
I like to think of it as "lowering your risk".

there really is no point in arguing or debating the issue with her.
she'll have an answer for you.
you could soften the blow by saying "the risk is a lot lower these days i do agree" or something to that effect, but end a very short conversation by saying something like " I'm happy with my choice, i'm happy with my decision" and for peats sake just let it go.

You don't have to win your argument with her over your vulnerability or your disease. You know you are high risk. You know you have a disease.

The truth is everyone is entitled to make the best decision for them, for their family.
You don't need her to agree with you on this.
you just have to do what is right for you

if she stuck her finger in the fire would you?

Salthillprom

the14thwarrior wrote: »

alas Kate is one of those people who has to remain in your life.
So make it work better
really suggest changing your tack of communication with her.
If she wants to be so stupid about the whole thing, go ahead and let her be stupid. Just don't go along with it. Don't expose yourself or your family.
I like to think of it as "lowering your risk".

there really is no point in arguing or debating the issue with her.
she'll have an answer for you.
you could soften the blow by saying "the risk is a lot lower these days i do agree" or something to that effect, but end a very short conversation by saying something like " I'm happy with my choice, i'm happy with my decision" and for peats sake just let it go.

You don't have to win your argument with her over your vulnerability or your disease. You know you are high risk. You know you have a disease.

The truth is everyone is entitled to make the best decision for them, for their family.
You don't need her to agree with you on this.
you just have to do what is right for you

if she stuck her finger in the fire would you?

Great post and great advice. Thank you

Kayleen

I rarely post on Boards but tonight felt compelled to... Unless you have walked in someone’s shoes you are absolutely 100% unqualified to comment!

Simple as that.

Kate has not walked in your shoes.
Kate has NO CLUE!

Salthillprom

Kayleen wrote: »

I rarely post on Boards but tonight felt compelled to... Unless you have walked in someone’s shoes you are absolutely 100% unqualified to comment!

Simple as that.

Kate has not walked in your shoes.
Kate has NO CLUE!

Thanks, I agree. V good point.

Muppet Man

stay the hell away from kate and her kids.

ztoical

Don't get into arguments with her, its an utter waste of time and energy, just say no. End of discussion. There is no point in trying to argue with people like that. Other people aren't going to care about your health as much as you care about it so look after yourself first.

JJJJNR

I think your worrying about your health is becoming a problem, its very hypothetical that you will contract covid now, has your area seen a spike in cases? Kate - she is actually trying to help you and your kids who have been isolating and maybe a bit of compassion with yourself first would work wonders talk to a medial professional who will tell you whether or not to socialise your kids and reconnect they deserve it and so do you.

You will need to find a balance that works for you and your kids over the next few years but arguing over something that might or might not happen does not make sense, cases are low we are being told this on the news for that reason, if we had 1000s of cases still it would be a valid argument to not allow your children to socialise but there simply isn't enough transmissions happening anymore.

JJJJNR

JJJJNR wrote: »

I think your worrying about your health is becoming a problem, its very hypothetical that you will contract covid now, has your area seen a spike in cases? Kate - she is actually trying to help you and your kids who have been isolating and maybe a bit of compassion with yourself first would work wonders talk to a medial professional who will tell you whether or not to socialise your kids and reconnect they deserve it and so do you.

You will need to find a balance that works for you and your kids over the next few years but arguing over something that might or might not happen does not make sense, cases are low we are being told this on the news for that reason, if we had 1000s of cases still it would be a valid argument to not allow your children to socialise but there simply isn't enough transmissions happening anymore.

With respect, JJJJNR, you sound like someone with no health issues.
I have mild health issues and I still feel like it's better to wait it out a bit longer.


The OP has obviously taken the advice of her healthcare specialist seriously, as she should.


It doesn't matter that the chances of catching it are less and less as time goes on - a small risk is still a risk.

Definitely not worth the risk if what you are risking is your life.

Salthillprom

JJJJNR wrote: »

I think your worrying about your health is becoming a problem, its very hypothetical that you will contract covid now, has your area seen a spike in cases? Kate - she is actually trying to help you and your kids who have been isolating and maybe a bit of compassion with yourself first would work wonders talk to a medial professional who will tell you whether or not to socialise your kids and reconnect they deserve it and so do you.

You will need to find a balance that works for you and your kids over the next few years but arguing over something that might or might not happen does not make sense, cases are low we are being told this on the news for that reason, if we had 1000s of cases still it would be a valid argument to not allow your children to socialise but there simply isn't enough transmissions happening anymore.

I am solely going on the advice of my respiratory professor. I'm not deciding to do this of my own accord or to be anti-social. Of course I'd love if my kids could be back to normal as though there's no virus out there, but if they catch it and pass it on to me, they will have no mother. There were reported cases in my immediate area up until about 10 days ago. There are a lot of asymptomatic cases too. My have been to back gardens and out for walks, I'm not a total recluse. I have said to Kate that I'm happy with outdoor play dates but this does not make Kate happy.

JJJJNR

Deleted User wrote: »

With respect, JJJJNR, you sound like someone with no health issues.
I have mild health issues and I still feel like it's better to wait it out a bit longer.


The OP has obviously taken the advice of her healthcare specialist seriously, as she should.


It doesn't matter that the chances of catching it are less and less as time goes on - a small risk is still a risk.

Definitely not worth the risk if what you are risking is your life.

Thanks to the lock down I'm fitter now then ever yes, but have underlying health issues like the majority of people out there, and I'm working in an environment where I need to take this threat very seriously, it never stopped me from having activities lined up though.

OP needs to line up the positives and the negatives themselves, families need to decide for themselves (obviously with advice from a professional) if keeping their children isolated is in their best long term interests kids are social and I don't see the harm with some relaxation with visits to friends under advice.

The real problem i.e. Covid does not exist in the same magnitude as it did 4 months ago.

s1ippy

Many people like this aren't as upfront. You're lucky she lacks the nuance to be so that you can choose to behave accordingly.

A neighbour of mine who wants to have a BBQ the last while with us (he knows we have two high risk people and four elderly parents in our family) just yesterday told me that he was in Fermoy at a house party when their cases broke out.

We said no at the time because the same lad is way less craic than others we plan on seeing, we made polite excuses to get out of it. He'd get drunk and get up in our space and probably be put out if we took issue with it. I definitely wouldn't want him using our toilet, going from past experiences of having him over.

But he's saying on a group chat now that he has symptoms for several days... I asked him separately from the group if he was alright and how long ago he noticed the symptoms. Oh, only since the day before he was demanding to come over to our house.

Goodbye forever!

JJJJNR

Salthillprom wrote: »

I am solely going on the advice of my respiratory professor. I'm not deciding to do this of my own accord or to be anti-social. Of course I'd love if my kids could be back to normal as though there's no virus out there, but if they catch it and pass it on to me, they will have no mother. There were reported cases in my immediate area up until about 10 days ago. There are a lot of asymptomatic cases too. My have been to back gardens and out for walks, I'm not a total recluse. I have said to Kate that I'm happy with outdoor play dates but this does not make Kate happy.

No I didn't say return to normal, talk to your doctor and ask them what the best approach is and set a routine regarding play, this might only be a lull in transmissions and might be temporary so might be a good idea to get a couple of play dates in before the next lockdown taking the advice of professionals.

Salthillprom

JJJJNR wrote: »

No I didn't say return to normal, talk to your doctor and ask them what the best approach is and set a routine regarding play, this might only be a lull in transmissions and might be temporary so might be a good idea to get a couple of play dates in before the next lockdown taking the advice of professionals.

My doctor advised what I'm saying. Everything I've said that I'm happy with (outdoor play dates) is as per consultants advice. No less, no more.

JJJJNR

You could invite one of kates kids to your house if you had an outdoor area they could use, I'm in the process of putting up a pergola for similar reasons, stick to your guns.

Salthillprom

JJJJNR wrote: »

You could invite one of kates kids to your house if you had an outdoor area they could use, I'm in the process of putting up a pergola for similar reasons, stick to your guns.

I have already done that but it's an issue as it will only be an outdoor playdate.

elainers

Normally a lurker but logged in for this specifically. GPs and Consultants are only contacting the most high risk patients. I think you’re doing the right thing to follow your consultant’s instructions.

Your “friend” isn’t a friend you want. Who would want a friend that unintelligent and with such little empathy. Would you want your kids to hang out with her kids who will, unfortunately for them, be learning from her at home. I think you’re completely justified in the reaction you’ve had.

To me the only thing left to do is to remove her from your life.

shesty

My consultant says no.We are aware of the medical information out there but I am in a high risk category so I have to listen to him (her), as he knows my medical history.Outdoors is ok, but nothing else for now.

That is your mantra when you are dealing wtih her.

Salthillprom

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I appreciate the advice offered. Thank you for taking the time the reply to my post everyone

ztoical

JJJJNR wrote: »

Kate - she is actually trying to help you

Friends don't dismiss their friends concerns if they are actually trying to help. Play dates outdoors was offered as a compromise and Kate just refused and wouldn't listen to the OP. The OP isn't over reacting and wrapping her whole family in cotton wool, they've a series health risk and have consulted with their doctor but this isn't a debate on what the risks are for contracting COVID are for the OP, its about a friend respecting their friends wishes.