Partner called me a ‘c***’ during an argument

apple_ blossom

I don't understand how people can downplay the negative impact of name-calling, it is utterly disrespectful . I recognise my now ex partner in your your description of the incident, the sulking, ignoring for days, lousy temper; he called me a few things over the years, it was by no means frequent, but I haven't forgotten how it made me feel. I swore I'd never go down to that level, that if we both start using this sort of language that's definitely the end of us... You have every right to be hurt over his use of the C word. You say your relationship is mostly great, why don't you try to talk to him when things have settled and he is in a more amenable mode. I agree that the real issue is the lack of the right kind of communication. He doesn't know how to express himself properly , becomes overwhelmed with anger and frustration and ends up sulking and lashing out instead of verbalising what really bothers him to try to arrive at an understanding and change things for better . Maybe there's is something you can modify in your own reaction ? Have a proper heart to heart with each other and come clear on issues that may have been neglected over time .. Your style of arguing is so counterproductive , don't let it continue because it will erode all good will eventually. The ignoring and silent treatment are so immature and manipulative, is it to mete out punishment, to teach the other one a lesson, exert control over the situation? It's not healthy, unless you tackle it the relationship is not going to be a happy one .

KiKi III

leggo wrote: »

Did you ever see the Bill Burr stand-up routine about how when women realise they’re wrong it all becomes a big wind-up until the man snaps and calls them a c***, so now he’s wrong because he used that one particular word? I’m not even saying that’s true, but wow it absolutely nails this particular situation...

The reality is OP that you caused this situation. You made his family quiz that he’d been planning about you, first trying to get your round in, then getting sulky when he said no, then throwing his olive branch back in his face. His reaction was bad but he was also right to feel frustrated with you...because your behaviour was wrong. And while you’re very quick to talk about how you’ll take blame to us and how you could’ve done better with how you reacted, I get the feeling you didn’t say all of this to him or this probably wouldn’t have escalated. Also why did you bring up the fact that you work in healthcare? Be honest, did you think we’d all say “oh well then you’re a hero so you couldn’t possibly be wrong, **** that guy”? Even that suggests a trait where you’re trying to manipulate the situation and bring irrelevant outside stuff into it so you can skirt taking responsibility for when you’re wrong.

Again, his response wasn’t great, but I read this situation more like he took the bait. Again, you caused this situation, whether the word he used was worse or not and whether you work in healthcare or not. So for me you should be the one who starts the apologies here. If he doesn’t follow suit, fair enough, you’ve a right to feel aggrieved. But you can’t act like you did then get offended when that impacts another person and they react.

This post is ridiculous. It’s like you think he had no other options other than to call him a c***. She pointed out that it was ridiculous to text her at work to have an argument when they live together. Which it is. If it’s that easy to provoke him, he has anger issues.

TLDR: Don’t take relationship advice from Bill Burr.

She brought up that she works in healthcare because that is markedly different than texting someone who’s at work in an office or on the till at the local Spar.

screamer

There’s wrong on both sides here, and we’re only getting one side of the story, I’m always very aware of that on boards, and the other person has no say from their side...... so it’s hard to give constructive advise with a one sided story.

leggo

KiKi III wrote: »

It’s like you think he had no other options other than to call him a c***.

Didn’t say that...deflection.

TLDR: Don’t take relationship advice from Bill Burr.

Didn’t say that either, in fact I specifically said I don’t even believe the example to be true but it does describe this one situation to a tee (namely because it’s exactly what’s happening)...deflection.

She brought up that she works in healthcare because that is markedly different than texting someone who’s at work in an office or on the till at the local Spar.

Aaaand none of that has anything to do with the family quiz issue that caused all of this...deflection.

These kind of poor logical and communication examples - created by one person being unable to just say “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten sulky and realised it was your family’s quiz and not about me or my round” - are exactly how arguments like this escalate from nothing into this mess. If everyone just owns their own behaviour, names don’t get called. She caused this, she apologises first. He reacted badly, he should apologise then. Simple. Only a person absolutely allergic to admitting that they’re wrong would argue that two partners apologising and moving on is a bad solution.

KiKi III

leggo wrote: »

Didn’t say that...deflection.



Didn’t say that either, in fact I specifically said I don’t even believe the example to be true but it does describe this one situation to a tee (namely because it’s exactly what’s happening)...deflection.



Aaaand none of that has anything to do with the family quiz issue that caused all of this...deflection.

These kind of poor logical and communication examples - created by one person being unable to just say “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten sulky and realised it was your family’s quiz and not about me or my round” - are exactly how arguments like this escalate from nothing into this mess. If everyone just owns their own behaviour, names don’t get called. She caused this, she apologises first. He reacted badly, he should apologise then. Simple. Only a person absolutely allergic to admitting that they’re wrong would argue that two partners apologising and moving on is a bad solution.

I personally think that as the OP has already said, a make or break conversation should be very much on the cards.

The “she started it so she has to say sorry first” sounds like the advice of a seven year old. The person who escalated the situation, behaved passive aggressively, overreacted and brought in abusive language did far more wrong and as such should be seriously considering apologizing.

I think it’s childish to even be talking about who goes first, but if it’s an issue I think it should be the person who behaved most harmfully.

Sounds like the OP got into what I’d consider a bit of a silly tiff but the kind that happens between couples all the time and her partner responded horrendously.

leggo

You’re admonishing her partner for behaving passively aggressively while permitting the OP for sulking and refusing to participate in a quiz because she didn’t get to have her own section of it. What is that if not behaving passive aggressively?!?

This is an argument between two people who have communicated horribly. We cannot advise the OP’s partner to apologise because he’s not the person here talking to us, and the situation did begin with the OP’s bad behaviour, so yes it figures that she start the apologies because it’s the only thing we can advise that de-escalates the situation. But she’s also owed an apology too.

Arguments in a relationship aren’t a war where you have to play victim, prove the other person was ‘more wrong’ and ‘win’. That’s a toxic way to view a situation that’ll only lead to pointless ****shows like the one the OP is in where their partner is sleeping in the spare room because of a family Zoom quiz. They are a breakdown in communication where caring about and protecting the relationship and taking responsibility and accountability for your own role in creating the situation is how you healthily solve it. But by all means tell the OP to hold strong and wait for an apology she can’t control and let’s keep this mess going longer because you dislike a word. :rolleyes:

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded that Personal Issues is an advice forum. Direct replies, containing advice, to the OP. It's her thread, talking about her rather than too her is the equivalent of having her standing in front of you arguing what she thinks whilst ignoring the fact she's actually present.

leggo and Kiki III, offer advice to the OP. Disagree with each other in the context of offering advice to the OP. If you wish to debate with each other take it off thread.

Tork

Reading back over your posts, your boyfriend comes across as an unpleasant bully. I'm not absolving you of any of the blame here because you've not covered yourself in glory either. But he seems to have a track record of blowing up over the sort of trivial things that happen in every household. Who hasn't been woken early by their partner's phone or alarm? What's going on about the sulks over his dinner not being ready when it was expected? You've mentioned his silent treatment and his moods. Do these dominate the way you live your life in the house?

Aside from that, if you can't deal effectively with such trivial events, how on earth do you expect to cope with real problems? He doesn't sound like someone who'd be a good father, for example. Or someone who'd be supportive if something happened and you couldn't work for a while. Is he your first serious boyfriend, by any chance?

Out of curiosity, does he behave towards his friends in this fashion? Would he sulk in work if he had to work through one of his breaks or take a later lunch? If not, why is it acceptable to do this at home?

Anongirl306

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Idle Passerby

Maybe rather than agonising over whose more wrong you should be asking yourself why you persist in such an unhealthy relationship?

HildaOgdenx

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

OP, please do think about what has been said about his behaviour too. It's not healthy for anyone to be dealing with silent treatment, and it is considered a form of abuse.

I know you said upthread that you need to have a conversation, possibly a make or break one. If it's always going to be a case of you apologising and trying to put things right following silent treatment, and him locking himself in a room, well, honestly, I would be saying goodbye.
Is there anywhere you could move to even temporarily, so that he has no audience for the door slamming? Then maybe a calm conversation could be had, but the silent treatment has to stop. For good.

Picture the future, and as Tork said above, if you had children, What then? Would daddy still be locking himself into a room, and you and the child(ren) appeasing him, and tiptoeing around because he will not behave like an adult?

Please do read back over everything that was posted. Mind yourself.

@anongirl

@anongirl..
I think people have been very harsh on you in this thread..
Maybe I come from a different, more civilized world, but I don't think you've over reacted..
I kind of feel your boyfriend is kind of being abusive and maybe it's time to think maybe the relationship has run its course..

This is it

You seem to be doing your best to paint him in as bad a light as possible so posters will take your side.

Anyway. Two of you in it. I think c**t is an awful thing to call a partner. Language varies from from person to person. Some have no issue with it, and that's fine. I'd say it to a mate no problem, but I've only ever used it once to a partner and as much as I think it was warranted at the time, I feel I let myself down by saying it. I think you were very petty with your reaction to the quiz and calling him out in the text didn't help.

Whatever about him banging doors, you obviously need to talk. Step up and at least you can say you tried.

Tork

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Do you think that you are the only childish one in the house? Today is Thursday and this row has been rumbling on since last weekend.

Someone still locking themselves into the spare room, slamming doors and ruining the atmosphere at home does not a healthy relationship make. Are you sure you're not seeking to resolve this because you're afraid of him? Does he intimidate you?

He isn't showing any willingness to resolve this either, which is also a worry. When you have a row, who apologises most of the time?

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

I wouldn't apologise to him in those circumstances if he's going around slamming stuff. Ok you were initially out of line, but so was he and he's blowing this out of all proportion now. It was a fight over a quiz. You didn't murder anyone. You might have sulked initially but he's winning the sulk war hands down now.

Right now, your lives together are at their most easy or simple. Down the line there's things like kids or mortgages or redundancies or bereavements or ill health that you'll both come up against and communication is how you tackle those tough times as a couple together.

So, is this what you want for your future? Will this stonewalling be acceptable when you disagree over what sofa to buy, or deciding to buy a house? I think you need to have a long think about what you want in your future and see if a man like this (who may never change that behaviour) fits in it.

KiKi III

How often do these kinds of arguments happen OP?

Hannibal_Smith

Anongirl306 wrote: »

You’re all right, I was childish and I will apologize to him for that. Every night this week, he has locked the door of the spare room and is going about the house slamming doors shut etc so the atmosphere makes me reluctant to approach to apologize as I feel it won’t be a productive conversation.

Do you know OP, not in a million years would I tolerate behaviour like that. I couldn't Imagine not speaking to my husband for 5 days and walk around slamming doors to let him know I was hacked off with him. Over a quiz.

You said something/he said something... But it doesn't warrant 5 days of a tantrum from him. Was there tension bubbling between you already, or is this a regular thing?

If this is a regular thing, I'd be seriously considering walking. I couldn't spend my life like that and people who behave like that, from what I've seen, don't miraculously get better at communicating.

cj maxx

As HS said going around in a tantrum for 5 days would have me thinking of packing up. I'd also suggest that he is probably doing the same in the spare room. You need to have a honest,on both sides, discussion about the state of your relationship,or even if there still is one. And be prepared to walk if necessary

Anongirl306

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

If I was you I’d go and stay with friends or family for a few nights. The atmosphere in the house sounds horrible. Take some time to get some perspective.

Tork

I was about to ask about the home ownership because you mentioned a kitchen counter somewhere earlier. You are right to be worried about what the future holds. I know that it's very difficult to walk away from a relationship when you've already bought a house and there's a wedding on the horizon. But, if your boyfriend is unwilling to even address the problems you have, these will be trivial problems in the grand scale of things. He seems to go bananas at the most trivial of things and to bear lengthy grudges. That is extremely worrying in my book. What will he do if you have children and they wake him up in the middle of the night or dinner gets delayed or his plans get disrupted.

Counselling was suggested earlier. Even if he won't go, I think you should. You've got a lot of thinking to do here.

LegacyUser

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

You’ve posted about this guy before, haven’t you? The extended silent treatment sounds familiar.

Leaving aside what he called you (rotten word), the silent treatment is abusive. This isn’t taking an hour or two to cool the head, it’s been days.

You can deal with the house - kids and marriage are harder to get out of. That he refuses to go to couples counselling tells me he’s not bothered enough to work on building a healthy relationship.

He will absolutely be like this with any children you have. This is who he is and he doesn’t want to change by all accounts. You’ll be unleashing an absolute bully on to any kids you have.

I’d cut and run. You won’t have a happy future with him.

Just to add, work on the sulking thing. It’s poor form in a relationship.

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

We own the house together. This does happen regularly, every couple of months maybe and while I put my hands up and admit I behaved like a brat in this instance, most of the times it’s something innocent or unintentional that has irritated him. We are supposed to get married next year and the recent posts about when kids come along etc is something that genuinely worries me because I don’t know if he can change when we’ve been through this before

Children will push you to the end of your tether if you are the most placid person in the world so I think you are right to be concerned.


Are the innocent or unintentional things that irritate him taken out on you even if they are nothing to do with you?

LegacyUser

I grew up in a home with a father who behaved a lot like this towards my mother. In the end he wore her down and she was a shadow of herself by the time she died. It wasn't much fun to be a child either. We learned early on how to detect his moods and if it was safe to play near him. He never raised a hand to us not be didn't need to. He and his moods dictated the way the house would be that day. It often felt like it was us kids and mum on one side trying to cope with they moody sulking man who lived with us. It took lots of therapy to get over the damage of my upbringing. How a child is parented affects their adult lives.

Hannibal_Smith

I know you own a house together, but dealing with it in the wake of a relationship break up now is much easier than if you were married.

You said before he won't go to counselling... He won't talk to you... But he'll go around slamming doors? He'll do his own shopping and you'll do yours?

That's effectively threatening a split in the relationship. Why would he think you want that? I wonder was he angling for a row and does he want to split, but wants you to do it?

KiKi III

OP, generally speaking, were you looking forward to getting married and having kids? Is that what you both want or is it something you’ve been pursuing because you feel like it’s what’s expected after being together five years?

cj maxx

Reading about locking himself away for days is not good.
Has he been to a medical doctor re mental health issues in the past?
Would he go now?

Anongirl306

Hannibal what you said makes sense.

I sent him a text today since a conversation is off the cards at the moment-

I apologized for the way I acted, I understand why he was annoyed and it certainly wasn’t intentional but the way he has treated me since is cruel and extreme, and that the atmosphere at home is horrible.

His response - I always make him out to be the villain (this is because I call him out when he gives me cold shoulder over something silly) I’m giving myself a license to behave how I want and that message is a thinly masked way to project blame on him, all for something I started

I give up

Neyite

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Hannibal what you said makes sense.

I sent him a text today since a conversation is off the cards at the moment-

I apologized for the way I acted, I understand why he was annoyed and it certainly wasn’t intentional but the way he has treated me since is cruel and extreme, and that the atmosphere at home is horrible.

His response - I always make him out to be the villain (this is because I call him out when he gives me cold shoulder over something silly) I’m giving myself a license to behave how I want and that message is a thinly masked way to project blame on him, all for something I started

I give up

You've apologised. I don't see what more you can do. A normal person- even one prone to sulking or too proud to apologise first themselves, would probably see your apology as a olive branch and a way of coming out of his sulk without losing face. But since he's continuing to throw accusations at you rather than trying to reconcile you'd have to wonder is there more at play here.

It was an interesting suggestion up-thread that maybe he's trying to provoke you into dumping him so he's not the bad guy dumping his fiancée. Do you think that might be a possibility?

HildaOgdenx

Just to say, joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in a relationship. (I know you said he wouldn't go anyway).
Using silent treatment is a form of abuse, and control, as described by a poster upthread whose dad used it.

I know it's not easy, OP, and my heart goes out to you, but I think it's time to cut your losses. You might find counselling helpful, for yourself, because it is going to be a difficult time.

Have a glance, if you get a chance at the Mumsnet forum, specifically the relationships threads.
This is an issue that comes up very often, unfortunately. It's even more difficult when children come along.

All the best, take care.

Hannibal_Smith

After 5 days! He's still in that much of a mood? You're not projecting blame, you're apportioning it correctly (going on what you've posted). You said something, he said something back. He loses the ability to be offended and pass judgment on someone's behaviour when he behaved no better, and perhaps worse in the eyes of some, with his name calling, slamming doors and continuing the fight. He doesn't get to monopolise the hurt here. You'd need a degree in psychology to be able to approach him by the sounds of things.

You've apologised and he hasn't accepted it. That's as much as you can do. I can only imagine the atmosphere must be horrible. Can you pack a few things and do what others have suggested, by staying with someone and at least get out of the atmosphere?

Tork

I think the theory that he's angling for a break-up holds water. It still makes no sense that a disagreement over a family quiz escalated into 5 days of this sort of toxicity. If he behaved like this in work he'd have a P45 in his hand by now. If he treated his friends like this he'd have no friends. Why is it OK to treat his fiancee like this? What would you advise your sister or friend to do in this situation? What would your mum think?

After 5 days of him behaving like an ignorant pig, silent treatment, slamming doors and intimidating you, he is the one who should have been apologising. You should be reading his reaction to your apology as a warning sign. If he isn't trying to break up, then you're being told in no uncertain terms what lies ahead for you once that ring goes on your finger.

Have you ever visited the Women's Aid website? https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html Maybe you aren't in an abusive relationship but you could do worse than read down through this list and see how many of them apply to your situation. The way he is treating you isn't right or normal.

• ou are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.
• He has threatened to kill you, or to kill himself, if you leave him.

I think you should consider packing your bags and going to stay with a trusted family member or friend for a few days. And as has been suggested a few times already, you could do with talking to a counsellor by yourself. You badly need time out from your house and to gain some perspective.

KiKi III

Go home, pack a bag, and spend the weekend with a sibling or friend who are not high-risk for Covid.

Anongirl306

Unfortunately I don’t really have anywhere to go, I’m from up north and family are there. I replied saying - do you actually want to try to resolve this or not?

Response -Your attitude stinks and i don't see a resolution here. Deny deny deny, that's the bottom line. It's funny how no matter what you do or how and argument or tension pans out, it always ends up with you being this poor victim who has been put through all this turmoil. So why start? Easiest thing is for you to tell yourself i'm at fault and let's just forget about it.

Time for me to get my affairs in order and talk to my solicitor re. House

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Unfortunately I don’t really have anywhere to go, I’m from up north and family are there. I replied saying - do you actually want to try to resolve this or not?

Response -Your attitude stinks and i don't see a resolution here. Deny deny deny, that's the bottom line. It's funny how no matter what you do or how and argument or tension pans out, it always ends up with you being this poor victim who has been put through all this turmoil. So why start?

Easiest thing is for you to tell yourself i'm at fault and let's just forget about it.

Time for me to get my affairs in order and talk to my solicitor re. House

Well it sounds like he’s not prepared to take any responsibility and his mind is made up.

I know that must be very tough right now; breaking up is really upsetting even if it’s ultimately the right thing for you.

If not tonight then maybe tomorrow for the weekend? You need to look after yourself.

Tork

What a needlessly spiteful reply. If he wanted to end the engagement, which he seems to want, he could've done it in a more civilized fashion. If you don't have any family close, do you have any friends you could turn to? Will you at least pick up the phone and talk to someone if you can't be physically near them? I can't even imagine how hellish home must be at the moment. It'll be ten times worse tonight. Please don't go through this alone.

On the practical side of things, if you have any belongings in the house which are important to you, I'd be putting them somewhere safe just in case. Break-ups bring out the worst in some people and who knows what this guy might do out of sheer spite.

Idle Passerby

Im so relieved your taking steps to leave him OP, when you said you are due to get married I felt panic on your behalf. You cant get married to him, your relationship sounds terrible, It would be signing up to a llife of misery!

How did we go from a zoom night to an argument to separation and solicitors in 24 hours?

Neither of you appear ready for marriage to be honest. In fact you reminded me of my eldest daughter and her boyfriend. They have broken up at least 20 times so far this year.

leggo

The way he’s behaving is childish af tbh, and you probably are both better off cutting your losses. I know the way he’s taken that apology, it’s an “I’m sorry but...” and as the phrase goes “Everything before the but is horse****.” Not that I’m saying that’s the case, it’s just almost definitely how he read it. Having said that, you acknowledged his feelings and it sounds like a decent apology so he should’ve just taken the olive branch.

The reality is none of us can really assess who’s to blame here. Some of the stuff saying to call Women’s Aid is a bit hysterical tbh, Women’s Aid wouldn’t have any time to get to real abuse victims if they were backlogged with every person who’s partner was bad at communication and got in a huff with them for a few days. Plus I’m a bit skeptical we’re hearing a one-sided version of this given the angle he’s taking in his responses and that you’ve already tried to get us on side with a bit of emotional manipulation by randomly mentioning how you work in Healthcare (still baffled as to how “I couldn’t text as I was in work” didn’t suffice).

But all of this emanating from a family Zoom quiz is just a sign that the two of you aren’t able to get through basic tasks as a couple without blowing up into some next level drama. I’m amazed you’ve made it as far together as buying a house tbh. You’d both almost definitely be happier with people who could communicate on your respective wavelengths. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Tork

Leggo, nowhere in my post did I advise her to call Women's Aid. I said "Have you ever visited the Women's Aid website? https://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html Maybe you aren't in an abusive relationship but you could do worse than read down through this list and see how many of them apply to your situation. The way he is treating you isn't right or normal."

Anongirl306

leggo wrote: »

The way he’s behaving is childish af tbh, and you probably are both better off cutting your losses. I know the way he’s taken that apology, it’s an “I’m sorry but...” and as the phrase goes “Everything before the but is horse****.” Not that I’m saying that’s the case, it’s just almost definitely how he read it. Having said that, you acknowledged his feelings and it sounds like a decent apology so he should’ve just taken the olive branch.

The reality is none of us can really assess who’s to blame here. Some of the stuff saying to call Women’s Aid is a bit hysterical tbh, Women’s Aid wouldn’t have any time to get to real abuse victims if they were backlogged with every person who’s partner was bad at communication and got in a huff with them for a few days. Plus I’m a bit skeptical we’re hearing a one-sided version of this given the angle he’s taking in his responses and that you’ve already tried to get us on side with a bit of emotional manipulation by randomly mentioning how you work in Healthcare (still baffled as to how “I couldn’t text as I was in work” didn’t suffice).

But all of this emanating from a family Zoom quiz is just a sign that the two of you aren’t able to get through basic tasks as a couple without blowing up into some next level drama. I’m amazed you’ve made it as far together as buying a house tbh. You’d both almost definitely be happier with people who could communicate on your respective wavelengths. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Of course you’re hearing one side - this is the nature of this forum.
With regards to working in healthcare - my job carries high risk and responsibility so that if I’m upset or distracted and make an error it can have very serious consequences - so it is completely relevant.

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

Of course you’re hearing one side - this is the nature of this forum.
With regards to working in healthcare - my job carries high risk and responsibility so that if I’m upset or distracted and make an error it can have very serious consequences - so it is completely relevant.

I believe so too OP. Choosing to text you about this while you’re at work caring for people who need your attention instead of resolving it in person at home was childish of him.

If you worked in Spar it wouldn’t be such a big deal but even still very immature of him to refuse to speak at home and then text while you’re at work.

How are things now?

osarusan

Whatever about how it started (you were both silly) his continued over-reaction is pathetic. You've offered an olive branch a couple of times, he's crapped all over it. Even if it is just his way, he can't fail to realise that how utterly immature he is being.

I wonder he has some other grievance that is the real issue, and he is blowing up this one because he feels he can 'use' it in some way.

Hannibal_Smith

Resolving an issue between you both after 5 years shouldn't have to be micro managed and coaxed to this degree. Slamming doors, not speaking, locking himself away and telling you to get your own shopping is blowing it all out of total proportion.

He does owe you an apology and you're right to say he was out of line too.

Anongirl306

KiKi III wrote: »

I believe so too OP. Choosing to text you about this while you’re at work caring for people who need your attention instead of resolving it in person at home was childish of him.

If you worked in Spar it wouldn’t be such a big deal but even still very immature of him to refuse to speak at home and then text while you’re at work.

How are things now?

He’s still locked in the spare room avoiding me. I’m coming to terms with the fact the relationship is over and preparing to sort out my finances etc. he is unwilling to work to resolve it so we’ve got nothing

Anongirl306

Anongirl306 wrote: »

He’s still locked in the spare room avoiding me. I’m coming to terms with the fact the relationship is over and preparing to sort out my finances etc. he is unwilling to work to resolve it so we’ve got nothing

I generally really don't like to encourage someone to do this on an internet forum, bit in this instance I think it may be appropriate..

Porklife

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

How did we go from a zoom night to an argument to separation and solicitors in 24 hours?

Neither of you appear ready for marriage to be honest. In fact you reminded me of my eldest daughter and her boyfriend. They have broken up at least 20 times so far this year.

Completely agree with the above so much so that I'll reiterate it...how did we go from zoom to solicitors in 24 hours?

It's both bizarre yet perfectly clear - you guys are not working compatibly at the moment. There must have been a point in time where you were in love and in synch, otherwise you wouldn't be engaged I should think.
Can you get back there OP? Or is the path too shady now with too much water under the bridge?
Think about how much you loved/love him...do you still? Does he? Don't throw it away without giving it some really solid thought which obviously you are doing.
I hope it works out

Anongirl306

I’m here alone and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m worrying about how to actually go about breaking up, like what to say, what do to about the house (deeds are 80% in my name because I paid much more) what if it gets messy, what if he doesn’t want to leave the house, what if he gets nasty, he seems very volatile at the moment. This is not a decision I am taking lightly this is the final straw, I used to think we could work through things but that’s been lost now

KiKi III

Anongirl306 wrote: »

I’m here alone and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m worrying about how to actually go about breaking up, like what to say, what do to about the house (deeds are 80% in my name because I paid much more) what if it get messy, what if he doesn’t want to leave the house, what if he gets nasty, he seems very volatile at the moment

There’s no point worrying about all that right now, it’s much further down the line. It might end up being straightforward if he’ll let you but out his 20% once he calms down.

For the minute, try and find family or friends you can talk to. Figure out what you actually want. Try and get a good night’s sleep.

rapul

What a **** storm, you are both to blame and equally as immature but yes you should get your affairs in order if in such a small amount of time u went from a zoom call to solicitors and dividing who owns what of a house. You've gotten all u need from this thread, goodluck with what you do but tbh imo you really need to just look after yourself, I don't know either of you but you are both beyond immature and this will only get worse. Look after yourself but learn a lesson from this and don't do what you did with the zoom call again, pathetic behaviour, and I'm not dismissing how your bf has been acting but after you saying grow a pair or however you put it that's childish and a low blow, bad form. Goodluck.