Advice on hostile situation

LegacyUser

Im going anon for this.
I need advice on my sensitive situation.
Im on my late twenties and still living at home.
House is quite hostile for years.
Parents are unhappy and resentful as they became codependent and revolved their lives around us. They had some loss before us and since my sibling and I were young, they have controlled us and are still controlling us (in our twenties). They think they are keeping us close but it is suffocating and having the opposite effect for me.
Im independent as I get out a lot etc but it has been a struggle to make decisions, function at times and make connections with others. Whenever I do get out etc I am guilted for having a life. I never moved out or travelled because I was talked out of it and told I shouldnt. Lost many friends.... and as for relationships - forget about it.
My sibling suffers from severe anxiety (Unacknowledged and untreated).
Sibling is a compulsive liar, punishes with manipulation and abusive.
Parents will not deal with them and when sibling does something etc they blame both of us as if it was a team approach. My sibling has never taken responsibility for their behaviour or shortcomings.
Anyway, things came to a head yesterday when my sibling acted up yet again, I was blamed and I was physically hurt by one of my parents.

I have no idea how to get away from this once and for all.
I have been talking to the wall anytime Ive tried to talk to them about the hostility etc.
I am a grown woman being treated like a child in my own life and cannot deal with this anymore.
I have spoken to them numerous times about the hostile situation which is unacceptable and dysfunctional. They dismiss me or ignore it.

I need advice.
I have no one I fully trust to talk to because it is quite embarrassing.

Xterminator

Hi

Please get out as soon as you safely can. That is my advice.

you can attempt to have a relationship on your terms when you have your own place to stay. Im not sure how successful that will be, but as long as you are at home, it will not change.

Dial Hard

You need to move out. Your parents are not going to change the family dynamic of a lifetime and suddenly accept that they are in the wrong. In fact, it sounds as if things are actually escalating if there's now physical violence involved.

Start looking for a place, any place and make a plan for getting the hell out of there.

That sounds incredibly stressful living environment. (virtual hug)

Are you working? Do you work outside of the house?

I can't imagine it's possible to manage the behavior of the rest of your family, so you may have to move out to be able to build any kind of life for yourself.

Even at that, I'd be slow to reveal plans about moving, as your parents sound like they would actively try and disrupt those plans. You'd probably have to move first and tell them later - you may even need to withold your address form them.

Once you're not living there, you may be able to build up a network of friends for support, because it sounds like your family will have to be held at a distance.

redfox123

Most importantly are you working? That pretty much dictates whether you can move out and rent. As you know renting at the moment is not easy financially, but your situation at home won’t change. Most find it not easy still living at home in their late twenties but your situation is very unhealthy mentally and now is deteriorating to the point of physically hurting you.

If you are reluctant to move in with strangers it is still better to have your independence and space from your current situation. You could make some new friends.

If you are not working it won’t really be possible to move out just yet, is there any relative or friend that you could possible stay with for a short while? You need the time and head space to be looking for jobs in peace if you’re not working. It would be good to get some space from your family at the moment as it is not healthy and sounds toxic.

Airyfairy12

I wont suggest the obvious answer which is to move out because I know how near impossible this is. If moving out isnt an option, for whatever reason, you need to start standing up for yourself. Ignore the guilt trips your parents give you - as hard as that will be at first, over time it gets easier. You need to lay down boundaries with your family, they'll push back no doubt but stay firm.

Can you get counselling? Might be an option to give you someone to speak to about this.

Big Bag of Chips

They are not going to change, so you have to. You need to become actually independent. You are not independent now. Your life completely depends on getting the go-ahead from your parents, and they are not giving you the go-ahead.

I do not underestimate how difficult it is going to be for you to break free, but you are in your late 20s and living your life to keep your parents happy. But they're not happy. So you need to make decisions to suit yourself.

First decision should be to find your own place to live. Yes, they will try talk you out of it. The will try guilt you. But YOU have to be determined. They don't see you as an independent adult. They see you as a disobedient child who needs to be disciplined and reminded who's boss.

Get out, now. Or 10 years will go by very quickly and you'll be heading for 40 worse off than you are now

LegacyUser

In the short term get out of the house as much as possible during the day. Walks, coffees, reconnecting with old friends, volunteering especially if not working. If not working make steps to finding anything to get in position to rent. There are cheap rental options if you are willing to be paired up with an older person that might require help around the house also which might be worth looking into.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you and your family members are highly enmeshed. Google family enmeshment for an insight into this kind of dysfunctional toxic family dynamic.

It boils down to family group think where everyone has to be on the same page about everything and over involvement in (what should be) family members own personal decisions. Boundaries are so weak that abuse and manipulation prevails constantly.

What happens is that children in enmeshed families never learn to make (and own) their own decisions and have to seek constant approval for every little thing from the childhood family, even well into adulthood.

And god help anyone who goes against the grain, they are shunned and abused and guilted into falling back into line. Abusers in the family are protected from the consequences of their abuse by other family members who support them, and this helps to maintain the enmeshed family system.

It causes huge issues when or if the adult then gets into a relationship and is eventually partnered/married as she is trained to think that her childhood family is her priority, when clearly for a healthy partnership/marriage her new husband, possibly kids etc, should be the priority. Intrusion into the partnered/marriage relationship by other family members is obviously bad news and the use of guilt is the weapon of choice - you don't care anymore, you abandoned us, your husband is not good for you... etc.

Ultimately only you can change this but it wont be easy. You might need a therapist to help you as its likely the only way you have ever known to live. You need to work on boundaries and not be guilted into always being available to your family.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

I thought alright the answer was going to be move out but it’s easier said than done.
I am working full time. But rent is very expensive where I need to look and it would make it impossible to save but at the same time if I save, it’ll take about a year to save for a deposit to buy on my own.

I acknowledge what was said above. Nothing is going to change and another 10years will pass me by and no life of my own.
It’s a nightmare and even when I’m thinking of moving out, I am guilt ridden when it should be normal progression

Dial Hard

Forget saving for a house, that's not what you need to be focusing on right now. I can't stand this narrative of "rent is dead money" at the best of times but particularly in your case, you need to see it as an investment in your safety, your mental health and your entire life.

Staying in that environment just so can can save a few bob is madness. But I have no doubt that your parents have drummed the "Rent is a waste of money" mantra into you for years, because it keeps you in their house and under their control.

Buying your own place is great but renting is a perfectly valid life choice, particularly when the alternative is to stay in a toxic and physically violent environment.

Big Bag of Chips

"If I save"?
So does that mean that you are not currently saving for a deposit? If you are not actually putting a substantial amount aside every month to save for a deposit I advise you get out now. Into a house share. It doesn't have to be very expensive.

If you are saving now, then I would suggest instead of staying where you are and saving for another year. Move out, pay rent, save what you can for another 2 or 3 years and then buy somewhere.

Even if you stay at home and seriously save for the next year, you have to know that your parents are not going to happily wave you off at the door next year when you decide to move out. They will object to every property you look at. They will find reasons for you not to use your money for a deposit. They will interfere at every stage until you find yourself "compromising" and having them allow you convert the garden shed into a living space.

You have been conditioned for years to do exactly what they want you to do. For as long as you live under their roof control you will feel compelled to do what they want you to do. Which is not to become your own person. You are not going to be able to change yourself over night. But start by making a plan.

Save as hard as you can between now and Christmas. Do not let them know you are saving. They will question what for, and will find other uses for your money. Emergency house repairs. Emergency new car. Emergency loan for your sibling.

You say you struggle with interactions and decisions. That is because you have been monitored and controlled for your whole life. You are no worse than anyh other person. You are no less capable. You've just been stunted by your upbringing. Moving out and having to stand on your own two feet, having to make decisions, having to get by with people will be the making of you.

Stay as you are, and you'll stay exactly as you are.

Pistachio19

Find a house share. That won't be as expensive as renting on your own. If you are working full time surely you have some money put away, or are your parents in control of your finances too? There is no excuse not to move out now. You can look for your own place in time but for now find a house share. Who knows, you could make fabulous friends this way. Most importantly you will be free from the shackles of your family. Find a place and don't bother telling them you're moving until you are heading out the door. Then keep your distance for a while. Counselling might be a good idea later on when you can afford it. Meanwhile there are many books you can read that deal with toxic/narcissistic parents.

LegacyUser

What you are describing is toxic enmeshment? You would have been almost brainwashed into the notion you can't move out without buying, that you'll be buying on own, that you can't afford a deposit. A deposit isn't the priority. Getting the hell out of there is, especially if physical.

Move out. Don't let them know your business. They will tell you it will fail. That you will fail. That you'll be back, that you need them. I'm sure you are perfectly normal and lovely. A few years away from them. And I'm sure you could easily be looking at buying with another person. This current mindset is their mindset. It's for the changing and within your power to do so.

House prices are dropping, rental prices are going down. It will be worth the expense. Take the chance.

rainbowtrout

Move out as soon as you can. Find a houseshare, it will be cheaper than living on your own. Saving a deposit for a house is not the priority. Get enough together to get a deposit for renting somewhere. If it takes you longer to save a deposit for a house so be it. You will never have a life of your own if you stay under your parents' roof and they will always find an excuse to drag you back. Controlling you is more important to them than you being able to function as an independent adult and having a life of your own.

Most importantly, do not tell them you are going to move out/rent/save.. tell them absolutely nothing. They have probably conditioned you over the years in various ways to provide them with plenty of information about your life which they use to have control. Save your rental deposit, find somewhere to live and pack up your car and go. Give them zero opportunity to drag you back, because once you have your freedom you won't want to go back, and they know that.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I’ve started looking at rent and house share. I know you are all right.

I am absolutely guilt ridden even though it’s an unhealthy situation and already in my mind - moving out and renting “won’t work” or something bad will happen, it won’t work out.
I realise how ridiculous this is but my mind goes straight to negativity and I try to think positively but I’m filled with fear of making any move and as if it’s some big betrayal but again, like I said to you - it’s normal to move on but they have always had the mindset of moving out when you’re getting married or buying a house. Nothing inbetween and it has been completely unrealistic...
I have absolutely no privacy or respect, I’m hounded constantly, can’t have any friends or men over, been shouldering my siblings needs and humouring tantrum, meals are forced on me even if I don’t feel like it etc. The list goes on unfortunately....

Pistachio19

Good for you. You are taking the first step towards independence - something your parents should have instilled in you long ago. Honestly, you won't know yourself when you get out. And when you do go, don't be in a hurry to rush back. Keep a distance for a while - no visiting, keep phone calls to a minimum - so that they cannot try to make you feel bad for simply growing up. You have tried to be rational and talk to them but they will never change. Hope you find something soon.

LegacyUser

Just get out and make your own life. Move out as soon as possible. The family dynamics are toxic. Controlling parents. They end up making each other and their children crazy not allowed to make their own decisions, or gave a life outside the family. Most of the children in these families end up single, never married, totally screwed up, alcoholic. Get out before its too late.

Big Bag of Chips

I cannot stress how important it is that you don't let them know you are saving/have money. Because they will find a "better use" for it if you let them know it's sitting in a bank waiting for you to move out, or in time put a deposit together to buy a house.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

As you had all predicted, nothing changed.
Tried to talk or address situation and it was as if nothing had happened the other week, no apology and I was shouted down again for attempting to discuss living situation and boundaries. I simply will not be recognised as an adult. Its heartbreaking for me. I don’t have a choice but to try and move out or my life will be unlived..
I tried to speak about the controlling and the way I’ve been treated to no avail.
Everything ends in a ultimatum and dismissal. No discussion.

rainbowtrout

Username!122 wrote: »

Hi all,

As you had all predicted, nothing changed.
Tried to talk or address situation and it was as if nothing had happened the other week, no apology and I was shouted down again for attempting to discuss living situation and boundaries. I simply will not be recognised as an adult. Its heartbreaking for me. I don’t have a choice but to try and move out or my life will be unlived..
I tried to speak about the controlling and the way I’ve been treated to no avail.
Everything ends in a ultimatum and dismissal. No discussion.

Yes, you just need to cut your losses. For them to have a rational discussion with you and to listen to your concerns means they would have to acknowledge their treatment of you. I feel for you OP, but it's best to just keep the head down, save as much as you can, and move into rented accommodation. And do not tell them a word of your plans, because life at home won't improve for you, but they won't want you to leave either.

It's no consolation, but you have tried and they are not going to listen, you have to do what is best for yourself at this stage.

Truthvader

Username!122 wrote: »

Hi all,

As you had all predicted, nothing changed.
Tried to talk or address situation and it was as if nothing had happened the other week, no apology and I was shouted down again for attempting to discuss living situation and boundaries. I simply will not be recognised as an adult. Its heartbreaking for me. I don’t have a choice but to try and move out or my life will be unlived..
I tried to speak about the controlling and the way I’ve been treated to no avail.
Everything ends in a ultimatum and dismissal. No discussion.

To be fair and perhaps a bit blunt if you are living at home in your late twenties you are part of the problem. You cannot be expected to be treated as a grown up if you are living with mammy and daddy. So as advosed before get a room or a flat somewhere. Just do it.

rainbowtrout

Truthvader wrote: »

To be fair and perhaps a bit blunt if you are living at home in your late twenties you are part of the problem. You cannot be expected to be treated as a grown up if you are living with mammy and daddy. So as advosed before get a room or a flat somewhere. Just do it.

Not a very fair comment. Many adults are living at home due to a variety of circumstances and their parents treat them as adults and respect their boundaries.

Truthvader

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Not a very fair comment. Many adults are living at home due to a variety of circumstances and their parents treat them as adults and respect their boundaries.

K but this girl has a job and clearly has plenty going on for herself which is being strangled. Agree that people can be home for a variety of reasons. But ideally if you want a life you should be gone

rainbowtrout

Truthvader wrote: »

K but this girl has a job and clearly has plenty going on for herself which is being strangled. Agree that people can be home for a variety of reasons. But ideally if you want a life you should be gone

Yes, she will have to move out if she wants independence, but it is worth acknowledging that if you have grown up in a situation where you have been controlled all your life, it can be very difficult to break away, that dynamic has been set up from very early on. It's very difficult for someone who has not experienced it to understand the difficulties involved.

LegacyUser

Truthvader wrote: »

To be fair and perhaps a bit blunt if you are living at home in your late twenties you are part of the problem. You cannot be expected to be treated as a grown up if you are living with mammy and daddy. So as advosed before get a room or a flat somewhere. Just do it.

This is an imcorrect characterisation of the issue.

The op has been controlled all her life by a toxic family dynamic. This unchecked effects pepple into their adult life. After she moves out the real work of becoming independent begins.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I started this thread a while ago and I had taken a lot of advice on board and logically agreed with what was said but I have not been able to get out of the situation.
Parents have continued same behaviours which is magnified with this lockdown while also allowing sibling humours to dominant the house and hostile/aggressive behaviour continues.
I am at my wits end, nothing has changed, argument and outbursts every day. I am lucky to be working but when I am off, it is a living hell and I try to get out of the house but even then I am guilted for doing so. It is relentless. I cannot relax and have to return to work still craving a rest.
I have no friends nearby, I feel so depressed and hopeless the last 2 months regarding moving on, having my own life and future, meeting someone and having a family. All these dreams I once had are now so out of reach I feel.
I have no savings. I tried to save and as one of the posters predicted, I had been guilted etc and now I have nothing until next payday.
Even writing this I still feel like I am betraying my family and so guilty but I am afraid for my future and own life. What if I move on and have no family to turn to?
Like everybody else, I am dreading the next 6 weeks.