I caught my mother eavesdropping

LegacyUser

Myself and 2 more siblings live at home. We are all adults. I caught my mother eavesdropping many times. I could be in my room on a call and come out into the hall and she's hovering in the hall. I caught her a few times. I also caught her doing this to my other brothers. Standing outside their bedroom doors listening. Eavesdropping isn't the only issue. I caught investigating the mail and envelopes that come in the mail. Just having a proper nose as to what it is.

My siblings are unaware of this from our mother. Should I tell them? It's disgusting and she has no right to do that to us. She's making sure that we are all paying for the household bills. All the household bills are in one of our names and not in my parents names. The bills in our names is not the issue. We are living like a rental and we have the respect to pay our way but we have no privacy from our mother.

statto25

Id speak to her alone and explain its an invasion of privacy. I wouldn't involve your siblings as yet. Try and handle it yourself nice and calm.
If it persists then mention it to your siblings

Xterminator

Hi OP

if you really think you are living like a house share why don't you broach throwing out the unwelcome house mate? Could it be because you can't throw your landlord out in the real world if you don't like their habits? Look if your unhappy with the living arrangements at home then you should move out. If your paying the going market rate this wont even impact you much financially. (I suspect you will be surprised when you find the going rate).

I do think you should have an expectation of privacy in the home. that's not in question.

But she is your mum not your landlord, and so perhaps you might be able to understand you never stop worrying about your children, not when the reach 18, not when they reach 21. Her actions may be inappropriate, but this is not a landlord/tenant issue. Your mum doesn't treat her grown up children who still live at home like independent adults. that's the issue.

So if you want to show her you are able to stand on your own two feet, perhaps you should do so!

SozBbz

@non wrote: »

My siblings are unaware of this from our mother. Should I tell them? It's disgusting and she has no right to do that to us. She's making sure that we are all paying for the household bills. All the household bills are in one of our names and not in my parents names. The bills in our names is not the issue. We are living like a rental and we have the respect to pay our way but we have no privacy from our mother.

Sorry OP but this is just not living in reality.

You pay towards bills. That is not the same as paying rent and bills and fully standing on your own two feet. The fact that she has you making a contribution does not mean you are basically living in a share house. You're choosing to be under her roof, so you're going to have to learn to deal with her. If shes a nosey person, she's probably not going to change at this stage in life.

Also - have you tried talking to your mother - something like "why are you standing listening at my door" and "please don't touch my post".

You're sounding awfully bolshy for someone who is still depending on their mother for a roof over your head - throwing words around like "disgusting" is just disproportionate. Just being over 18 doesn't make you an adult. Being fully independent of your parents and capable to talking to people about a disagreement would make you an adult.

LegacyUser

@non wrote: »

It's disgusting and she has no right to do that to us.

Eh yes she does, her house, her rules.

@non wrote: »

She's making sure that we are all paying for the household bills. All the household bills are in one of our names and not in my parents names. The bills in our names is not the issue. We are living like a rental and we have the respect to pay our way but we have no privacy from our mother.

It may be like a rental OP but it's not a rental, you are still living at home. Don't like how your mother treats you, move out but you can't tell her how to act in her own home.

MissShihTzu

@non wrote: »

My siblings are unaware of this from our mother. Should I tell them? It's disgusting and she has no right to do that to us. She's making sure that we are all paying for the household bills. All the household bills are in one of our names and not in my parents names. The bills in our names is not the issue. We are living like a rental and we have the respect to pay our way but we have no privacy from our mother.

From this, I assume the OP and their siblings are paying the bills. OP also says all the siblings are paying their way. As long as the light and gas are not cut off, then Mum shouldn't be worrying about the bills.

I do not think it's unreasonable to expect privacy from your mother OP. I don't buy the line, that as she's Mum she never stops worrying about you. That's BS. It does NOT give her the right to snoop on your calls, and open your mail. My Gran had the same nasty habit, until I got my post re-directed, went to the phone box (pre-mobile days! ) to make calls and forcibly told her to stop what she was doing. Why don't you do the same? Get all bills online and take the mobile out of the house if you don't want her listening to your calls.

Having said that - There is nothing to stop you having a friendly conversation. No need to involve your siblings. Ask her why she is doing this, and ask her nicely to stop.

If all else fails? Move out. Nothing to stop you doing that either!

Big Bag of Chips

Your mother is your mother and unlikely to change. She's nosey.

3 adult children living at home. Why? Is it because you know you're getting a good deal?

If you thought you were paying the equivalent of what you would be paying in a houseshare where you wouldn't have your mother eavesdropping then you'd move out. Same rent, more privacy.

The thing is you know you are not paying anything like you would if you were living independently so the trade off is your mother nosing in your business!

There is a reason as we become adults most people move out. Living with your parents indefinitely only works for a small minority.

FitzElla

You are not living like a rental OP, you are living in your mothers house. If you want to live an independent adult life free from parents sticking their noses in you should look to move out. Your mothers actions might be annoying but are hardly disgusting. What do you hope to achieve by involving your siblings in it? That you will all come together and try and impose house rules on your parents house? I suggest a dose in the real world under your own roof might give you some appreciation for what an actual rental is.

lurker2000

Don't know your mother and don't know you but maybe if you chatted more to her about your lives she wouldn't feel the need to listen at the door. While its annoying, its understandable to a degree. Does she ever mention what you were talking about later or use it against you? If not, she's just being nosy.

It's def a mother thing - if a housemate was doing it, I'd freak out ...but if it was my mother it would more irk me. My kids tell me very little about their lives, the oldest one is particularly private and dramatic and while the other two were always willing to chat about their lives, she would openly warn them to keep their news to themselves when they were young and so we as parents are left out of the loop on many aspects of their social lives. I would therefore be curious as to who they are chatting with if I pass the door, but I don't stand outside their rooms for any length either.

Car99

Maybe your Mum thinks her adult kids arent able to go out into the big bad world and fend for themselves so she has to keep an eye and ear out for them. Maybe if you adult kids left the nest she wouldnt feel she still needs to protect her spawn.

Tork

I think you're doing yourself no favours by describing this as a rental situation. In many households, kids give their parents some of their wages once they start working. So really, paying these bills is just another way of doing that. It still doesn't make your mother's behaviour right. As a first step, have a private word with your mother and tell her that you've caught her eavesdropping and looking at the post. See how she reacts to that and make your other decisions based on how you think things will go in the future. She is nosey and maybe that won't ever change. So what do you do from there? Move out is one option. Get An Post to redirect your mail and only talk to people when she's not within earshot is another. If necessary, I would tell your siblings but I'd hold that option for now.

happyday

@non wrote: »

Just having a proper nose as to what it is.

My siblings are unaware of this from our mother. Should I tell them? It's disgusting and she has no right to do that to us. She's making sure that we are all paying for the household bills. All the household bills are in one of our names and not in my parents names. The bills in our names is not the issue. We are living like a rental and we have the respect to pay our way but we have no privacy from our mother.

I don't think your mother is doing anything too bad. You sound very indignant and huffy about this.

You and your siblings pay some bills. Do you pay rent as well? Who washes/dries/irons your clothes? Who does the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning?

My daughter always said she wouldn't be a real grown up until she moved out. And I think she was right. It's only then that you learn what its like to stand on your own two feet and be truly independent.

My son still lives at home and he pays his way and I respect his privacy but would like him to help out more about the house. He will leave in a year or two when he is ready. And that's only healthy and how it should be in my opinion.

Give your mother a break. Having 3 adult children at home can't be easy for her. Maybe it's time to leave the nest.

Sardonicat

happyday wrote: »

I don't think your mother is doing anything too bad. You sound very indignant and huffy about this.

You and your siblings pay some bills. Do you pay rent as well? Who washes/dries/irons your clothes? Who does the shopping and the cooking and the cleaning?

My daughter always said she wouldn't be a real grown up until she moved out. And I think she was right. It's only then that you learn what its like to stand on your own two feet and be truly independent.

My son still lives at home and he pays his way and I respect his privacy but would like him to help out more about the house. He will leave in a year or two when he is ready. And that's only healthy and how it should be in my opinion.

Give your mother a break. Having 3 adult children at home can't be easy for her. Maybe it's time to leave the nest.

No parent has the right to pry into their adult children's post or eavesdrop on private conversations. I agree that all adults living in the house should be pulling their weight equally both financially and in terms of household tasks. But even if the mother is doing all the cooking and cleaning for her adult children (and more fool her if she is ) she still has no right to be invading their privacy.

OP, you should move out into an actual house share and asert your independence.