Ongoing anxiety disorder problems

Pavilion38

Hi there,

Im a man and Ive struggled with anxiety all my life and now im age 38. Its not a constant thing and during childhood and adolescence it was situtaion based (football matches, exams, etc) where it would quickly subside after the stressful event.

But since my 30s ive developed more of an anxiety disorder where i would feel anxious about something arbitrary, and then feel more anxious if the anxiety hadnt subsided quickly enough. This effects my sleep badly and I can get myself into an exhausted anxious spiral which can last weeks, during which i fall into a state of anxious depression; fearful of an impending heart attack, stroke, or never being able to shake the anxious state. Its extremely embarrassing and very scary. But then if i eventually manage to take my mind off it long enough, and get even one nights restful sleep, something clicks in my brain and i no longer feel compelled to be anxious, and instead enjoy the feeling of being relaxed. Then im fine for a further several months until the next trigger. The trigger is generally me alone thinking about things too deeply. I write as a hobby and this can be a double edged sword.

I have these 2 week anxiety bouts about twice a year, but i get very annoyed with myself every time they return, as each time i feel ive mastered what went wrong and how it went right again. But not so, something at some stage can trigger my negative thoughts and i tend to spiral again.

As a result ive very fragile self esteem and ive avoided commitment in romantic relationships. On top of that ive only dated women I felt safe with, but wasnt challenged by or sexually attracted to, ( for fear of rejection) which i understand is unfair and helps absolutely nobody.

Ive been on medication for anxiety in the past and for the past year and a half ive been mostly fine (only one anxiety relapse) and im completely off it. ive had anxiety in small amounts but coped well.

But lately as ive seen all my friends marry and my social circle has disappeared ive been getting lonelier and anxiety has come back in a big way.
Things have been made worse by a family issue. Ive a mother who has progressive dementia for the past 5 years and is now getting a lot worse. On a selfish aspect the trigger i think was the idea that i might get dementia when im older too. (I know its ridiculus to look so far ahead but when researching the disease to help her, I found dementia is more of a risk to next of kin if a mother is afflicted)
Im debating to go back on medication but just feel defeated in doing so, because once the anxiety eventually subsides (with or without meds) i feel fine and feel like i dont need them any longer. Anxiety medication to me just seems like an extra safety net. But ive no problem going back to them if i have to.

As regards practices - i have done mindlefullness and CBT and i feel it has limited benefits for me.
Successfully letting go of the need to control anxiety is the key practice that i struggle with.

I also get as much excercise as possible, only drink alcohol about once a month, and ive tidied up my diet too to have less caffeine, processed foods and sugar where possible.
Im also actively trying to socialise as much as possible in meetups to improve confidence talking and flirting with the women that im really attracted to.

I would be keen to try acceptance and commitment therapy as i feel that anxiety is not something i should try to beat or overcome. its an emotion like anger and happiness and has its place in life.

I know right well that anxiety will be with me for the rest of my life and im ok with that. I no longer panic about it which is progress, but at he same time I just dont want it holding me back from having a more fulfilled life.

I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

many thanks

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Thread reopened after discussion with OP and opening post amended accordingly.

Thanks OP

HS

zoobizoo

Pavilion38 wrote: »

Im debating to go back on medication but just feel defeated in doing so, because once the anxiety eventually subsides (with or without meds) i feel fine and feel like i dont need them any longer. Anxiety medication to me just seems like an extra safety net. But ive no problem going back to them if i have to.
.

If you find the medication works for you, then why not restart while also doing a different type of therapy. Have you looked at Emotional Focused Therapy?

See the meds as a helping hand - like the first rung on the ladder you need to get up to where you want to be.

It sounds like you're doing everything right.

A lot of guys in their 30s are in a similar situation as you in terms of friends and social circle contracting.

I found that clubs where you (when things return to a level of normality) go away for weekends as a great way of making friends and relationships..... whether that be kayaking, mountaineering, surfing, etc.