Everything Feels Wrong, Like its a Mistake

LegacyUser

Hi all. This is a long one so feel free to skip to the end for the TL;DR, cause tbh most of this is a rant and not really the issue :P I don't have anyone in the world I can really talk to about this stuff so here it is for the internet to see :P

I am a 25 year old female. I graduated college and have been working in industry for 3 years 3 years of my life I'll never get back. I only went into industry on pressure from my parent and I hated every moment of it. I wasn't sure but I thought I wanted to do medicine. I took the exam to get into grad med last year and I got in. But every single person I knew tried to talk me out of it, friends who are doctors, extended family friends and especially my parent. My parent doesn't think I am cut out for it, and maybe that's part of the reason I wanted to do it, all my life people have underestimated me. Mostly academically-I am actually a very sharp individual academics wise, I got a slightly above average LC but I had a horrific upbringing so I felt like struggling acdemically during this time was justified; I flourished somewhat in college and received mostly As, some very very high grades but I kept them secret. My friends and flatmates always presumed I was pretty dumb and would say comments without even realizing what they were saying. I ended up suicidal in my final year and had a severe eating disorder, my dad doesn't know about this side of things but he knew I was incredibly sad and desolate and was on the verge of dropping out; he threatened to disown me and kick me out if I did, so I ended up staying. My dad doesn't think I am cut out for medicine. I did get into the course last year, but I declined as everyone talked me out of it telling me how awful it is, out of everyone I talked to about it not one person said one positive thing about it. One of my best friends who is a doctor was horrified to discover I was even thinking about it and started saying how it is a profession that is full of back stabbers and cut throat people, a family friend said I would end up clinically depressed and an alcoholic, but most of the push back was from my dad. My dad instead really pushed me to do teaching, but I hated secondary school-literally the worst time of my life, I was horribly shy and unpopular and a straight up loser and the thoughts of going back, well I only applied cause I think I could do it, it seems like a very doable job imo-I have teaching experience, I am actually pretty good at explaining complicated concepts and teaching others, I do it at work and did it as a TA whilst I was in college, but just the thought of going back to school was sending me into overdrive; also partially the people underestimating me thing, my friend told me I would make a good teacher, how she thought I was really suited to it, but yet at a later date she said teachers dont do anything-I know this isnt true but it just really annoyed me and I try not to measure myself up to others assumptions but I cannot help myself. I was kind of an exceptionally bright kid and for the first few years of secondary school, and just settling in a career that people assume as average doesnt sit well with me, yes I realise I have an ego problem.

I know I cant stay in my current job, or sector, dont even try to tell me to switch job/company-been there done that, not for me. However after talking it out with a career guidance counselor I have settled to do a 2 year pg. diploma in Psychology. Its not that I want to be a psychologist, in fact I think if anyone needs a psychologist its me :P But it just seemed to be the one that covered my bases, its a broad degree that can lead to many different career areas, and for a while I was happy with this decision, it wasn't teaching, its broad so it leaves my options open, its applicable to many careers etc. But something that set me off was when I told my dad, and he said yeah I guess you're right, its probably better suited to you, it would be easier than teaching. I am so internally mad at that statement, months later. I passed that medical school exam on my first go, I know so many people who couldn't get the same score I did on their 3rd go, I worked all throughout my degree, including missing half the week of lectures cause I had to come home to work and still did far better than most-I got the best grades out of my friend group, most of whom have masters/are doing PhDs. I have won awards for writing and art, I am always doing part time fetac courses for fun-even my tutors are like why would you do this for fun-I am an extremely capable person, I have been through waaaaaay more in the first 22 years of my life than what most people will experience by the time they die-my mother was an extremely physically abusive and manipulative person who hated me with a passion and tried to pit everyone against me, my sister, my dad, my extended relatives etc, she very openly would say she was not my mother and how I was nothing to her, how she would never do anything for me and once I was finished my leaving cert I was to move out and I would be out of her life forever and she would never see me again and how she would tell our relatives I did something horrible as a justification for having me out of my family's life (she would regularly make up stories or heavily embellish stories to family friends and relatives to make me seem like this horrible nasty person....I was pretty much afraid of my own shadow growing up. I don't know, was just seriously mentally unwell I assume. She actually died that year before she had a chance to fully disown me. She beat me every single day, sometimes a few times a day, I'd say I was the only kid in my school who dreaded hometime/school holidays-she did other horrible stuff that I literally cannot remember my mind has erased a lot of these memories, one of the ones I recall because I wrote it down in a diary entry was when she force fed me cob webs, that was a pretty light incident, I know that, the stuff she normally did was far worse), I wasn't allowed to have friends over or visit friends either, she would make me late for school and took great joy of knowing I got into trouble and actually enjoyed beating me up, my one sibling has aspergers, I have had an eating disorder for years, I am very certain I had anxiety and depression all throughout my childhood and teenage years, I self harmed and have tried to commit suicide, but yet I have told nobody about these things apart from college counselors whilst I was a student. I managed to get through these things and been relatively successful and I feel completely underestimated and undervalued. I am just a big mess in my dads eyes; he doesn't think anxiety and depression really exists in our family, he knows nothing about my ED despite at the time he would give out how wasn't eating, it was just something I didn't do, not a condition, or disease of some sort. It got so bad I tried to commit suicide and ended up being registered as disabled. My dad knows none of this. I am in a relatively normal place now. But because I was so desolate in my final year my dad just thinks I am this shallow messy girl-he has a somewhat sexist view of the world, particularly of me-I am a very low maintenance individual but I guess I am the most feminine person in his life....

I got through college despite all the crap that was going on in the background, I got some incredibly high grades, I got an extremely competitive graduate program, but I am still an incapable little girl in his eyes. Now my dad is an extremely self absorbed man who can't see anything from my or my sisters perspective, hes arrogant and pig headed so even telling him that this annoyed me will set off an argument started by him. I am a very non confrontational person, and he will just lose his temper. I cant tell him anything, he just gets angry and shouty and tbh, my dad is a little stupid, I have never told this to his face, but he is. He is gullible and arrogant and adamant he is right no matter what, he is hypocritical and just an unreasonable man. My sister and I have just come to the conclusion we can tell him nothing cause he just gets angry and defensive if we say anything to him that he isn't fully on board with 100 percent from the start.

Anyways now, anxiety is starting to creep in, and I feel like I am making a huge mistake. I only know of 4 people who have studied psychology, one did it jointly with French and she now works as a lecturer in a French university, she never used the psychology portion of her degree, another person never used his psychology degree either, he is still working and building his way up in a job he had to support himself whilst he was in college which is also completely unrelated to psychology. The other 2, they both went onto study graduate medicine. I am starting to feel that I am doing psychology partially to placate my dad, partially cause I just have to change industries/my job-there is just no way I can continue in this sector, it is like pulling teeth from a hen, I hate it and it is killing me more and more everyday. But everything feels like a mistake, I have no idea what I am doing, I have no long term plan. My best friend got engaged a few days ago, everyone else is moving forward in life and I am moving backwards. My dad keeps saying how I have wasted 3 years of my life in this job-and how the company could pack up and move any day suddenly and how I need to get a good stable govt job-it was his idea that I go into industry in the first place, I am permanent in my job but I am desperate and always have been to change sectors completely-but I am a complete overthinker so I managed to let everyone else talk me out of medicine and I do honesty think I would enjoy it as a course but not the actual work. I have now spent half a grand on securing a place on this very expensive 2 year course and I am seriously doubting if I have made the right decision, it is also going to require moving to Dublin city so that's a lot of money and I am wondering what the hell am I doing, maybe this all one big huge mistake. I cannot sleep with the worry, my chest is tight with anxiety, I went home for quarantine but went back to my rented accommodation over a week ago and now I never want to go home cause it will be my dad asking me questions about my future study and I am not even excited about it, I am full of dread and anxiety, this is such an ill thought out plan, I overthinking normally, but now I feel like I am making an awful awful mistake.

TL;DR: I have wanted to return to college and train to a new sector since I literally graduated from my UG degree. Staying in my job/sector is a non option. 3 years later I have been accepted to a 2 year long, expensive, psychology course. I picked this course somewhat out of desperation as I just need to do something, I have been overthinking what to do for 3 years now, I just need to do something. I was ok with this decision for a long time, its a broad course applicable to many careers, and the 2 years gives me time to figure out who Iam/what I want. However some severe anxiety is starting to set in and I realise this is a poorly thought out idea with no long term goal, and that I am moving backwards in my life not forwards, I cannot afford to make a mistake time or financially wise and now am questioning everything and wondering if this is just a huge selfish mistake?

Hannibal_Smith

OP, if you want to do your psychology degree. Go do it. Don't listen to people trying to hold you back. No one knows the real you and what you've accomplished and what you've come back from.

Have you ever sought help from a counsellor? Or spoken to someone about what happened to you?

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

IMO you need to stand back & figure out what you want. You need to leave the emotion & ego out of it and simply do a pro s & cons list. I think some of the advice you’ve received sounds quite well intentioned. If your friends are picking up that you’re anxious they may feel that you might not be able to handle the stress of medicine. It sounds like you have some doubts.

I hear that you don’t want to stay in your current job. I’d admire you for addressing it & seeking to move. Give your next move a lot of thought & be mindful of doing things for the right reasons. It sounds a bit like you feel you need to prove yourself to those around you. Doing so might make you happier but there might be a risk it could lead you to the choice that you won’t enjoy as much day to day.

I’m very sorry to hear you had such an awful childhood. If you go back to college they may have free counselling you can avail of.

I’d recommend you go for counselling now to help you figure out your next move.

kob29

OP you probably will need some counselling to unravel your baggage from growing up but strip down your current dilemma, as an adult to what it is- what do you want to do next? You're an adult and have a 100% right to make your own decisions and not have to justify them to anyone, family or friends- they only know the world from their perspective and their own fears and they'll project that as the gospel. You might have had a messed up upbringing and negativity around you but your self-esteem is clear and solid enough to be able to concretely recognise your achievements and strengths. That is a great start to moving forward.

So your life time is going to pass anyway, what do you actually want to do with it ? Ideal world what would you be doing with it?
Do you still harbour an ambition to do medicine? Is it psychology? Maybe there's a good fit for you in between that you haven't thought of.
Remember you're allowed to change your mind at any time, there's freedom to do that. What about looking into life coaching, like The Navigation Coach?

Rubberchikken

I will truly never understand how people such as your parents decide to have children and then choose to cause such pain in a child's life.

Op, I'm sorry for what you've experienced and I have to agree with others who say you have to learn how to live your life.

If you want to do this course then do it, for you.

If you want to go on to study medicine then do it, for you.

People who downplay or even advise against a career when someone mentions it aren't, imo, doing it with the best of intentions.

cj maxx

You said you got into a grad med but didn't take it up because of "advice" from others including drs. If medicine is where you feel you belong, do it.
You had an awful childhood but this is your life ,and yours alone, so do what YOU want. Not what others may think your capable or suited to.
I gather that the psychology course isn't what you want to do and that the people you know that have done it aren't using that part of their degree. Seems a bit of a waste both of resources and years .
Have a sit down with a counsellor and trust yourself.
Good luck.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

So sorry to hear of those horrible experiences you had in your home where you should feel so safe usually.
You should be so proud of yourself to have turned out as well as you did.
I can hear so much unresolved issues from your post. You deserve time and space to sort through these things.
You are still very young with your life ahead of you.
Would you commit to giving yourself a gap year where you quit that job you hate, take on a non stressful job like office admin or whatever you can get in these circumstances, just to pay the bills? Find a therapist to work with and by next summer hopefully when your head is in a better place, you can make a decision about what you want to do for the rest of your life.
I think you've too much to deal with now to make this decision, plus you probably need a break after 3 years of being in that job.

pgj2015

I didnt know what i wanted to do after school so I worked on building sites for a few years. then i went to college at 24. i did business and liked it, found i liked law so did a post grad in it, i knew id never work in law as there was no jobs in it but i did it because i loved studying it. i planed on working in a business grad job but highly suspected i would hate an office job.

when i finished the post grad i was around 29,it was only then that I figured out what i wanted to do which was to run my own business, i got a grad job in business,hated it with a passion, quit it within a month. The day after i quit the job i decided to set up a business, i had spotted an opportunity and knew i could make it work.

my parents especially my mother was really upset with me for quitting the job, also they didnt believe i could succeed with my business idea. others laughed at me when i said i was going to start a business but i knew i would make it work.

roll on a few years and the business is doing really well, and iv never been as happy because i love the work im doing. i am usually an optimistic person but while i was in that grad job i quickly became depressed and suicidal which i never experienced before.

i have plans to open more businesses in the next few years, i mentioned one of the ideas to a family member and they again said sure what experience do you have in that field? i said sure what experience did i have in the first business? none but it didnt matter.

only you know what you will enjoy and be good at, dont listen to anyone else, you might not even know what you want to do until you were nearly 30 like me. you sound like a smart person op and determined, im sure you will succeed. best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Cyllyn28 I've deleted your posts. The OP has come here looking for advice not a political view. Either offer the OP constructive, mature and civil advice in accordance with the Charter or do not post in the thread again.

If you have any issue with this you are welcome to PM me, but please do not discuss it on thread.

kg703

Hi OP,

I'd agree with the others and suggest a counselor as there are some deep rooted issues there. If you ever want a career in Psych its a good idea.

College wise - you need to do what you want and ignore everyone else. If Psychology is something you are passionate about - go for it. If not don't. Never mind 500 euro deposit. In the long run it doesnt matter. As someone who has a degree in Psych and my husband has a masters in Psych - neither of us work in the field. Not trying to put you off but it's generally something you need to be ready to commit to, to PHD level (masters min) before it'll open up career paths for you. Between us we sank 40k into those degrees..... but we are very happy now & its how we met - so everything for a reason even if the career paths didnt work out, I enjoyed the course.

Best of luck!

bitofabind

You're clearly an overthinker who gets anxious about most things so let's simplify things a little:

1. You have no emotional support. Not from your family and not evidently from any friends. PI is a great place to vent but it's not equipped to give you the support you need. Can you invest some time into finding a therapist to talk to? IME is the single biggest catalyst for change for most people. You have substantial issues to work through and are not equipped to do this on your own. Therapy will help you to de-clutter these thoughts and get to the root of what it is you need and want in life. Start with a GP appointment and go from there.

2. You are 25. That is extremely young and an age where most people haven't a clue what they want to do in life. Regardless of what decision you make, it will be the right one. In your 20s is where you learn most of the lessons you need to learn to progress in life in your 30s and beyond.

3. Medicine is clearly where you heart is. What are the options if you decide to go back and look at this again? Others' opinions are irrelevant. If we did what everyone wanted us to do, we'd get nothing done as everyone has a different opinion. The only opinion that matters is your own one, this is YOUR life.