Not exactly sure what's wrong, but I don't feel like me anymore

Katie997

I recently turned 21 and could be going into 3rd year of college this autumn, but my college has been spectacularly vague
I have a great family, money was never as issue either nor my physical health, but I had a terrible time in school. I was bullied for being nerdy/teacher's pet in school and from 14 onwards, I had no friends. I had a reputation as a smug loner or shy girl, depending on who you asked. I was miserable and felt inferior for years, until I started college 3 hours away, 2 years ago. I became so happy and carefree, away from my hometown where I'm that weird girl. I made friends easily and fit right in. I became so cheerful and extraverted, my anxiety went right down, my parents were delighted that I was suddenly so content with life and myself. I've had an amazing boyfriend since the first month of college. life just really turned around.

Now it's been 4 months since I left college and moved back home. I foolishly left the summer and weekend dishwasher job I've had since Junior Cert in February, due to being bullied by the boss, her daughter and her friends. I had no idea (did any of us?) of what was coming so I naively thought I'd find a job to occupy myself this summer. Literally nowhere is hiring right now for obvious reasons. I am stuck at home with my thoughts and my mental state has deteriorated so much. I am consumed with anxiety over irrational things like if my birth mark is cancerous or if I'll randomly develop schizophrenia or other scary illnesses. I will Google and Google and Google for hours in a panic that my life is over. Other times I convince myself that my boyfriend doesn't love me or that I'm not skinny enough for him (I have a BMI of 24 so I guess I'm borderline ok?), despite how much effort he puts in and how obvious it is he loves me. Other times I panic that he is secretly a bad person over something truly irrational like 'oh he touched my butt once while we were in the nightclub, guess he doesn't respect me or hates women'. I am acting crazy. I Google signs a relationship is good/bad so much or read others problems to compare my own relationship. I litreally worry/panic 8 or 9 hours a day and I can't settle or distract myself. I am irritable and I hate it. I will sit thinking and thinking for hours on end and I can't motivate myself to do much more than be nice to my family and pretend I'm OK and watch a film (usually I'm too distracted to even do that). My BF is really concerned and keeps pushing me to take up old hobbies before I became so nervous and pessimistic and worries I'm being self destructive.

I just feel so lost and hopeless, given I have no employment prospects, no friends here, college might be closed until September 2021 and I feel too exhausted by anxiety to live. I need to snap out of it.

Purple Mountain

This thought sprang straight to my mind.
Have you watched Normal People?
I think you might find it helpful for your situation.

Rubberchikken

There are jobs out there so maybe put in a few hours searching for same. That at least would get you out and mixing again.

It's great that you settled in college and we're doing well.

College maybe some class days and some online, who knows yet so no point in worrying.

Share what you're feeling with someone who will listen without judging. With everything that's gone on the past couple of months it's only natural to be a bit anxious.

Try to get exercise and fresh air and don't pay too much attention to Dr Google:)

I saw a post on Instagram recently that said 'social media has 23 years olds feeling like they've already failed at life. Your life hasn't even started.'

You're 21. I understand why you are concerned and that you're bored, but there is a global pandemic. Employment prospects are a moot point right now. You are going to be working for the rest of your life. Yes, things are different, but the world has not stopped turning. This is your time to do things you ENJOY. Get a strong handle on skills like cooking, baking, sewing, get into gardening, yoga, drawing, puzzles, paint by numbers, crosswords, books. There are youtube videos on EVERY topic imaginable. Online courses.

I need to structure my days to keep me from googling endlessly, and ultimately just getting upset. Talk to your parents. Get more involved in the day to day of the house instead of spending 8 hours on the phone. Maybe make dinner a few times a week. Do you want to repaint your room? Do any neighbours have a dog you can walk?

CUT THE SCREEN TIME. You can see yourself it is driving you mad. I am 24 and I resisted this advice for so long but it has made every bit of difference to my mindset over the past year or so.

Katie997

Thanks to both of ye, very kind of ye to get back to me. I'm just in a rut.
And yeah, I watched Normal People at the start of May. While I couldn't relate to the family situation or the abusive boyfriends(thank God) , I saw a lot of myself in Marianne, especially in the school episodes. The way she transformed and fit in at college also mirrored my experience. Heck, a lad I fancied for YEARS in secondary school (who thought I was weird) ended up at my college and I'm fairly sure he was/is into me, especially when he found out about my boyfriend, too little too late man.

Aina09

Working in a cafe will keep you busy. Also if you try to search for job adds ask someone to join you if possible. Job seeking it s better when you have company.

Oink

I’m no expert but I’ll throw a few ideas your way and cross fingers for you.

- Find someone you can really talk to about this. It’s really important to talk. Maybe the Samaritans? Talk to someone.

- Something that helped me: Find something you can control on a day-to-day basis, and control the hell out of it. For me, it was tidying up the house like a madman. It’s silly, but everyone needs to feel they have at least SOME control instead of just being a pawn in their own life. It helped me.

- Exercise. You need it. It will not magically solve anything, but you need it right now more than ever!

- Reduce screen time. Be wary of social
media, they can melt your head if you’re not well !!!!

For what it’s worth, I think you were totally right to quit your job.

And it’s ok to struggle. Just remember, you don’t have to go through this alone.

All the best.

Katie997

Thanks Oink. I'm going to kind of 'force' myself to do things. I feel lethargic or that I'm too busy worrying to do tasks/hobbies for the last few months, but the only way out is probably distracting myself. I've had 3 online therapy sessions and the therapist more or less stated these recommendations and that she thinks I have OCD or another anxiety disorder and should consider going on meds. I don't wanna go down that route. I'm fed up of feeling sorry for myself and I'm gonna get better

kob29

Don't underestimate the toll the pandemic has taken on your own or anyones mental health either. I agree that excessive screen time isnt in the best interests of your head. Definitely keep up the job hunt, supermarkets seem to be hiring quite consistently, why not drop a cv into some hotels for accommodation work if they needed cover. College is looking likely to be mix of online/campus at the moment- so keep thinking ahead to your plans for that too. You've useful information now about the lifestyle circumstances that suits you, so that will be a help in reestablishing your route forward. Get physically active too, any classes you could get stuck into locally, or there's a gazillion of them online. Just do as oppose to sitting staring at screens.