Is being active on Grindr while dating someone normal?

eaglach

Just based on my own experience of dating, I noticed that a lot of guys keep their Grindr profiles active and even arrange dates while dating someone else.

I've dated a few guys where I thought things were going really well and then I get paranoid and check in on Grindr and they're still actively looking for hook-ups or whatever.

Maybe I'm being naive and you have to explicitly ask the guy you're seeing to stop going on the apps.

Is this normal in the gay community? Is there a general acceptance of non-exclusivity?

Annasopra

It sort of depends where you were in the relationship at the time I think. If it is perhaps at the start of a relationship where you were perhaps dating at the time but hadnt quite agreed you were in a relationship then its possibly understandable.

If you're in a committed agreed monogamous relationship thats different

eaglach

In my experience I've dated guys for maybe 1-2 months and know that they've been chatting to other guys on Grindr. We didn't really say that we were monogamous but I'm a bit of a conservative guy where I think you should be only chatting to one person at a time, which is probably unreasonable these days.

Gay guys seem to be more relaxed about this I find and anything is fair game until you both agree not to see anyone else.

baby and crumble

I don't think that's exclusive to the gay community, lots of my straight friends date a few people at a time until something 'sticks'.

Seamai

I've not been in the dating saddle for quite a while and while I met my partner via the internet, it was still in it's infancy and sites like Grindr didn't exist. Personally I've never been a fan of multiple dating or even just keeping options optioned while seeing someone, for me it's a bit complicated. I remember when I met my partner, a couple of dates in he said to me "I've decided not to date anyone else" I was a bit shocked and responded "I should bloody well hope so". I know guys who still dabble on these sites even when things have gotten serious. Sometimes I think the way we gay men approach relationships is not always the best way. Just because something might be the norm doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
If you are uncomfortable with someone who is keeping their options open then maybe talk to them and tell them how you feel about it.

eaglach

baby and crumble wrote: »

I don't think that's exclusive to the gay community, lots of my straight friends date a few people at a time until something 'sticks'.

Maybe that's the general case, but I don't feel like it's widely spoken about. Sometimes ignorance is bliss when it comes to these things. It's very disheartening when you see that the guy you're dating is still keeping his options open.

Seamai wrote: »

Sometimes I think the way we gay men approach relationships is not always the best way. Just because something might be the norm doesn't mean you have to along with it.
If you are uncomfortable with someone who is keeping their options open then maybe talk to them and tell them how you feel about it.

I think that should be the approach, but then I wonder why do guys do it? If you ask them to be exclusive and they say yes, why would thy have been chatting to guys on Grindr the day previous? If things were going so well that you want to be exclusive why would you feel the need to be chatting to other guys.

Is it a case of trying to have your cake and eating it too - guys trying to have something like a relationship, but also having the fun side of meeting other guys too without feeling of the guilt of technically cheating?

Ten of Swords

eaglach wrote: »

If you ask them to be exclusive and they say yes, why would thy have been chatting to guys on Grindr the day previous? If things were going so well that you want to be exclusive why would you feel the need to be chatting to other guys.

That's the pertinent bit, if they've agreed to be exclusive and they meet guys for hookups then they're cheating, if they're just chatting to guys then, in my mind, they're not.

In my experience it's quite common among gay lads

eaglach

Ten of Swords wrote: »

That's the pertinent bit, if they've agreed to be exclusive and they meet guys for hookups then they're cheating, if they're just chatting to guys then, in my mind, they're not.

In my experience it's quite common among gay lads

That's the thing. Guys are always going to say they're just chatting and you have to take them at their word. It's hard to trust that.

One of my exes said the same thing and I broke up with him, even though I thought he was a great guy otherwise. He said he used it for making friends and has met guys for coffee and a chat. I always think it sounds suspicious, but maybe I made a rash decision at the time.

Tig98

I'm really bad for this.

Usually all the guys on grindr are either hunting for dick or a boyfriend which I think is really boring. I always start off chatting with a guy and seeing what he's like with absolutely zero goals, if it leads to sex or more relationshippy stuff so be it. I just think it's stupid to pigeon hole guys into whatever you're looking for at the minute because there isn't an infinite supply of them - its good to make friends and have your eggs spread out into different baskets.

This usually ends up in a situation where I'm starting to frequently sleep with one guy and spending a few nights together while it starts to heat up with another guy I was also chatting with. I know, it's messy, I always end up in a situation like it though. I think most gay friendships formed in adult definitely take a sexual turn or at least one party is sexually interested in the other so it's kinda inevitable to come up at some stage.

The reason I delay making things official is because I've seen so many gays call each other boyfriends after two weeks and be broken up after the same length of time. Most my friends are straight and it's really cute to watch them slowly meander into a relationship and that's the kinda thing I want - if the person is right then it's gonna work out. It shouldn't have to be forced or be expected from the beginning that it was always going to be a relationship

AllForIt

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I don't do casual relationships or would be into 3sums with someone I'm supposed to love.

Tig98

AllForIt wrote: »

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I don't do casual relationships or would be into 3sums with someone I'm supposed to love.

I completely agree and I wouldn't be into open relationships either, I think the only grey area is when/how you define a relationship beginning

Annasopra

AllForIt wrote: »

If I were in a relationship I wouldn't be happy with it at all. I don't do casual relationships or would be into 3sums with someone I'm supposed to love.

I agree with that too. What I was saying its that sometimes unclear when you are in a relationship at the beginning.

AllForIt

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I agree with that too. What I was saying its that sometimes unclear when you are in a relationship at the beginning.

Oh yeah I get that.

I have a gay friend who has been in multiple relationships. As soon as one ends he 'interviews' ppl for another. He actualy used that word, interview. His way of going about things makes we wonder if he ever thinks any of this relationships are the real deal at all. I'm more of a 'all or nothing' kinda guy and am content not being in a relationship.

Point being ppl go about things differently I suppose. But even at the beginning, if I felt after seeing someone only a handful of times I feet the other person is just going along with it, still on grinder - that would put me right off. Especially if the person is not very young were they have already had many years playing the field.

eaglach

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I agree with that too. What I was saying its that sometimes unclear when you are in a relationship at the beginning.

I think I've fallen into that trap. Dating a guy for a while and then spotted him on Grindr. Broached the subject with him in a non-accusatory way, but he got all defensive and denied everything.

Guy before that was updating his Grindr pics while we were still going on dates. Not exactly a confidence boost.

I've been messaged on Grindr by guys I know in real life who are in relationships looking for hook-ups, but that's a different story I guess.

It just seems that a monogamous relationship, or at least one with trust, is hard to find. Maybe why there are so many open relationships. At least then you're not worried if they're hooking up with someone because you will always know they are.

Rick_

When I was single and using Grindr it was always for dates, I think I used it twice in my entire life for a hook-up, and even then it wasn't a "we've been chatting for 5 minutes and haven't even seen each others face, let's shag!" type hook-up, it was still with a guy that I had been chatting to on and off for a while and got on with and thought "what's the harm?".

For me, if I had gone on a few dates with someone and they were still using Grindr or updating their pics on it, I would get the impression from that that they don't see the two of you lasting or he isn't as interested in you as you might be in him. In my way of thinking, if you met someone, you liked them and thought "there's potential here" then you'd stop looking at other people and dedicate your time into seeing where it leads with them. I wouldn't be going back on dating/hook-up apps and sites to chat to other people or update my details.

This situation has happened to me before and I talked about it to the guy and he was surprised and a little upset at my point of view and said that it's perfectly fine for guys to still have friends on Grindr that they still want to keep in contact with and that we were only dating and not exclusive, so he was free to talk to anyone he liked. Not surprisingly, it didn't last much longer after that with him.

So it seems you can't win, there will be those that say that it is totally fine to keep using Grindr whilst dating someone else, for whatever reason they like, and those that think that once you start dating and want to see where it goes you should stop all that until you know. Why go on dates with 2 or more people and put yourself in the position of liking more than 1 of them and then you have to choose? How do you break it off with someone you like and get on well with, but just not as much as someone else you're also seeing. It's just adding complication on that doesn't need to be there.

I am with my boyfriend now for 18 months (we met on Tinder) and thankfully after we had dated for a while and decided to make it official, we both had revealed to one another that we had never signed in to it again after our first date and actually deleted our profiles after the 3rd date as we had good feelings about where it was going.

ongarboy

OP, would it be fair to point out that you are also still on Grindr if you spotted your guy on it? Why haven't you deleted the app if you feel you are at the monogamous stage? He could well ask why are you still on Grindr too. If you went on just to check on him, that implies trust issues.

funkypumpkins

I think many people (from my experience having lived in the UK), many people can and do use grindr to make friends. But even at that, friends could also be interpreted as friends with benefits. Including guys in relationships. Some people are cool with open relationships, but I respectfully don't find it my thing.

I met my current boyfriend on tinder and we both decided to delete our accounts shortly after we had gone on dates, saw a lot of each other and realised feelings were mutual. It was clear we wanted to be exclusive.

I think with dating apps, many people see plenty of fish and will keep their options open. While I naturally would be inclined to find grindr a hook up, I noted in England that people would pit 'engaged' and say just friends. But, I think that is the exception rather the norm and never saw that before I moved to the UK on 2017 and when I moved back to Ireland pre boyfriend in 2020.

eaglach

ongarboy wrote: »

OP, would it be fair to point out that you are also still on Grindr if you spotted your guy on it? Why haven't you deleted the app if you feel you are at the monogamous stage? He could well ask why are you still on Grindr too. If you went on just to check on him, that implies trust issues.

I reinstalled it to check if he was on it. That may sound like a lie, but was genuinely the case. I know it shows my lack of trust, but it turns out I was right to question it.

I don't know why you would lie about being on Grindr if it was so blatantly obvious though!

Tig98

I think the most important thing is how you define a relationship, to me, going on dates does not mean that you are dating. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but you need to know someone as a person before you can think of them as a partner. It's normal to play the field in the early stages until you know how you feel about him, and when you do toy should make it clear and have the "what are we?" talk.

eaglach

What really confused me is when I did confront him, I asked him how long he was on Grindr and he said "just an hour and then I uninstalled it". I told him I saw him online two days in a row and he still denied it! Even when I said I had a screenshot of it he was still saying "I do not remember being on it then, I swear".

I don't know what it was like before Grindr, but it hasn't done me any help in my dating life!

Tig98

Tbh I'll probably get flak for this, but when I start chatting with a guy I met on grindr I usually block them on grindr. That way you can do your thing and I'll do mine - no awkwardness when we're both looking for a hookup at 2am.

From the sounds of it, you guys really should not be in this situation. Its only creating resentment and frustration. You're better off to call it a day. This guy already did cross a line because you had the exclusivity tall, that's one chance gone.

lostweekend3

eaglach wrote: »

I don't know what it was like before Grindr, but it hasn't done me any help in my dating life!

You're certainly not alone. Grindr has complicated things a lot when it comes to finding a potential partner. It's mainly for hookups and messers who are killing time due to boredom.

Think it's time I looked on other dating websites/apps.

Any suggestions?

Rick_

When I was single I think I had profiles on every app and website going. The wider you cast your net the more chance you have of catching something! I meant as in a partner, not... ah forget it! Stop sniggering!

Gaydar - Waste of time, no-one really seems to use it any more
Plenty Of Fish - Plenty of freaks more like
OKCupid - Probably the better site, but not a whole lot of Irish users on it
Grindr - Plenty of hookups and mostly headless torsos, blank profiles and pictures of scenery rather than faces
Tinder - It worked for me, and seems to be less hook-up orientated (at least that's my experience of it)

Now having said that, I have chatted to and been on dates with people from all of the above, apart from Gaydar though it almost happened, so everyones experience is unique. Just because one doesn't have a great reputation or track record doesn't mean it won't be successful for someone. Just depends what you're after and the effort you're willing to put in.

I would say that websites are more for those who may be looking for more than just a hookup and the apps are just for instant gratification, but exceptions do happen. There are of course more sites and apps that the above but they tend to be more "for a particular group/taste" and the above ones are the standards that everyone seems to be on in some form or other.

lostweekend3

Thanks for that PFMC. I will give some of them a go and see what happens.

eaglach

I'm starting to think that the only way to have a "healthy" relationship is to have it as an open one. It immediately eliminates any questions as to whether they're cheating behind your back. I know relationships should be founded on trust, but everyone lies. You'll only set yourself for disappointment if you believe otherwise.

Rick_

Well I would say that's a very pessimistic view to have. Many people (gay and straight) are in healthy, monogamous relationships and they don't have to resort to making their relationship open just to eliminate the need for trust. They also have never cheated or been cheated on and to assume that "everyone lies" and insinuate that everyone will cheat is just silly.

I think you're in a bad mood about your current situation and reacting accordingly. Remember and focus on the fact that it will not always be like this, and I would encourage you to try and get out of that frame of mind and just work on being the type of partner you would want for yourself. You'll encounter someone in time that you just click with and can love and trust and be happy with.

Ten of Swords

eaglach wrote: »

I'm starting to think that the only way to have a "healthy" relationship is to have it as an open one.

That's not a "healthy" relationship if it's something that makes you uncomfortable, and from your posts it comes across as something you fundamentally disagree with.

Tig summed it up pretty well that a lot of guys keep their options open in the early stages but once it goes beyond that then if it's a red line issue for you. From your posts you see it as a line being crossed when your bf remained active on grindr. That said - it does sound like trust was definitely an issue for you. Did he give you any other reasons not to trust him while you were together?

eaglach

Ten of Swords wrote: »

That's not a "healthy" relationship if it's something that makes you uncomfortable, and from your posts it comes across as something you fundamentally disagree with.

Tig summed it up pretty well that a lot of guys keep their options open in the early stages but once it goes beyond that then if it's a red line issue for you. From your posts you see it as a line being crossed when your bf remained active on grindr. That said - it does sound like trust was definitely an issue for you. Did he give you any other reasons not to trust him while you were together?

I've never seriously considered an open relationship. Mainly because the discussion has never come up with anyone close to me! I guess I won't truly know how I feel about it until someone I love asks me that question.

Well we weren't official at the time but we had been "seeing" each other for a few months and both said we were off Grindr. Only met a handful of times but thought it was really going somewhere, and I think he believed the same thing but fell into the trap of Grindr. It was long distance as he was in Galway and I'm in Dublin so it didn't feel like a normal relationship.

Maybe I was expecting too much given the circumstances. It's just so easy to open up the app and hook up with a randomer compared to driving to the other side of the country to go on a date with a guy you're "kinda" seeing.

Frostynight

Guys, you've no idea what a relief it was to find this thread.

I was just seeing a lad for a bit and after some great dates, and a lot in common, I did wonder was it my imagination or was his interest a bit elsewhere. I popped on Grindr, felt guilty as hell and wouldn't generally consider myself a suspicious partner. Well he was on it. Just a few days after our last date, we were as intimate as possible and then he was on there nonetheless. I brought it up and he was amazed that I had an issue with it. He ducked and dodged the real point, few people really go there for friendship or chats, they do happen, but rarely. Most people are half naked after all. He finally says he's officially single and can do what he likes. I simply didn't use any apps since we started dating. It's like being hungry, having a good meal, then you are satisfied and don't look for more food. I didn't freak out at him, just raised it. He made it sound like I was the weirdo with big expectations. Glad to see that's not the case. I essentially thought he either wants fun and games, isn't as ready for more as he says, or interest isn't as level, again, despite what he says. Action and speech don't match.

Positively, there so much fidelity here. This really makes me happy! :)

@Rick_ your stories and views felt like a warm hug :)

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118512007#Comment_118512007

I think that its not abnormal. In this day and age, especially on the gay scene its normal to be open to dating others at the same time (and that is not to invalidate your experiences but this has been mine). Two years ago I dated a lad who got upset that I said I didnt want to commit early on after three dates but to see where it goes, managing expectations so to speak. Broached it and up front said that if he was not happy that he was fully entitled to break it off and do what makes him happy as these were my terms. Nowdays we are good friends and we go for a pint. Sweet natured guy.

I dont know how long you were with your lad, but I would not be over concerned if the guy was on Grindr or other apps so early on in dating. If you are though going out a while and not had that conversation I would urge you to at some point. And there is nothing wrong with how you feel, we all hold each other to different standards. Tis is easier for me to meet a few guys and see what crops us. As a rule I dont sleep with someone Im dating until Ive discussed it with them and I am sure as I dont want to lead them up the garden path.

Sincerely I hope you manage to find someone who makes your toes curl and puts a smile on your face and makes you feel like the most appreciated in the world as you come across as a great guy

x

Yellow_Fern

no

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118859433#Comment_118859433

Can you qualify that with why?

BingCrosbee

Everything’s normal depending on your own standards and whatever you consider normal. Swingers consider riding whatever’s available as being normal. So your standards are not someone else’s.

Not even my final form

Hopefully not

myfreespirit

In my opinion, it is "cakeism", having your cake and eating it.

All depends on your ethics and standards of course. People will justify any kind of behaviour to themselves, to get what they want.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118887473#Comment_118887473

If I was dating someone I tell them where they stand so they know, if they dont like it they can take a long walk off a very short pier...!