Keeping surname after marriage

Loveinapril

eviltwin wrote: »

You don’t need to share a surname to have a good connection with your kids. What a bizarre thought.

Imagine growing a human in your own body for 9+ months, pushing them out, often feeding them with your own milk that your body creates especially for them and severing that connection when you name them!

Idle Passerby

Loveinapril wrote: »

Imagine growing a human in your own body for 9+ months, pushing them out, often feeding them with your own milk that your body creates especially for them and severing that connection when you name them!

Are you serious? So a woman needs to have the same surname as her kids or she's "severed her connection to them"? Even if it's not her surname? That's exactly why surnames aren't important to me. They don't have anything to do with the actual connections within a family.

salmocab

My wife kept her own name, don’t think she was particularly bothered either way but I think changing a name you’ve had for over 30 years is a very strange thing to do. Kids have my name but it certainly isn’t a thing that affects our family in anyway.

Recliner

Loveinapril wrote: »

Imagine growing a human in your own body for 9+ months, pushing them out, often feeding them with your own milk that your body creates especially for them and severing that connection when you name them!

What????
My sister is divorced, she went back to her maiden name, so her 2 kids have her ex-husbands surname. Doesn't matter a jot.

What if a couple have kids and choose not to marry? The kids will have a different surname to one of the parents. I might despair of Gen Snowflake/Millennials/whatever the next name will be but I can't see a surname being cause for much angst among them.

bee06

Recliner wrote: »

What????
My sister is divorced, she went back to her maiden name, so her 2 kids have her ex-husbands surname. Doesn't matter a jot.

What if a couple have kids and choose not to marry? The kids will have a different surname to one of the parents. I might despair of Gen Snowflake/Millennials/whatever the next name will be but I can't see a surname being cause for much angst among them.

I think you missed the clear sarcasm in that post.

jellybear

bee06 wrote: »

I think you missed the clear sarcasm in that post.

Was about to post to say I'm pretty sure she was being sarcastic...then I was second guessing myself! But yep, definitely sarcasm!!:D

bee06

99nsr125 wrote: »

And if there's no reason then it does tell us something.

You end up with a different name to your children.

Husband and children share a common connection but mom doesn't what does that convey to your children . . .

If I change my name back to my maiden name would that mean my children would stop following me to the bathroom, insisting I put both of them to bed etc. I could do with a bit less connection some days.

Call me Al

I'm married 16 years. With children. I use both names and nobody has ever said a word to me about it. Nor would I expect them to.
All my social media is my maiden name. I love the name I have from birth. It's pretty unique. I've used the irish language version at times too which I absolutely love. My passport page 2 has my married name, but I have my maiden name printed in full on page 3.
All official records relating to my children, school, health, banking etc, is my married name though, and I felt i needed to do that for them. But they know that some people call me by my maiden name and that I use it in life too..
Most of my friends here in Dublin know me as both if we have connected on social media.

Recliner

bee06 wrote: »

I think you missed the clear sarcasm in that post.

Ah, OK. I'm losing my touch.

jam_mac_jam

Just let people do what they want. If you want to change it do. I am not sure why there are snide comments because someone doesn't want to change their name.

Its up to the person involved. I haven't but that's not for me. Others think differently and its nobody's business what they call themselves. Certainly none of mine.

Faith

I haven't changed anything formally, nor do I really plan to. I never wanted to, but oddly my husband was a bit miffed by that, and prior to our wedding, my MIL started (lovingly) referring to me as Mrs Hislastname.

I tell people I use my maiden name professionally and married name privately, but 90% of the time I'm Dr Mylastname. I occasionally make a reservation or booking as Mrs Hislastname if it's something we're doing together, just to humour him, but most people in my life who weren't at our wedding wouldn't even know his surname.

I renewed my drivers license a year or so ago and kept my maiden name, and I think my passport is due for renewal next year, and I don't plan to change. Honestly, given my profession, it would just be too complicated as I need to have background checks done every time I change a job, so it would make providing ID a nightmare.

We also don't plan to have kids so that perhaps makes life easier.

Loveinapril

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Are you serious? So a woman needs to have the same surname as her kids or she's "severed her connection to them"? Even if it's not her surname? That's exactly why surnames aren't important to me. They don't have anything to do with the actual connections within a family.

Sorry, maybe my sarcasm wasn't as loud as it should have been this morning!

I kept my own name when I got married. My two children have my husband's name. He will never have the connection I have with them. I grew them!

Sheep Shagger

Another male here, my wife has my surname on our joint bank account debit card but that's about it.

Married coming up 10 years, I didn't really care either way on if she took it or not.

Thought and still think its a bit old fashioned TBH (to insist she has to change her name).

Have 2 kids and the fact she was told some countries immigration to carry a birth cert for the kids if not travelling with me (doesn't happen very often but once it did) annoyed her a bit but apart from that no issues.

Idle Passerby

Loveinapril wrote: »

Sorry, maybe my sarcasm wasn't as loud as it should have been this morning!

Sorry, my sarcasm alarm must be broken this morning

blue note

What I always find in this discussion (because it's a discussion I only really have with people around the age they commonly marry) is that there's no pressure to change your name, but there is to keep it. It's probably from people bluntly saying how they feel about it - things like "I'm not going to bow to the pressure, "why would you put yourself through the hassle," "I find it demeaning that I'm expected to change my name." They're all perfectly fine ways to feel about it, and perfectly fine reasons to keep your name. I suppose by not prefacing it by "I feel" or the like it comes across as a statement of fact rather than an opinion, but we would never get anything said if we have to be that careful with our words all the time!

But I find now that someone who changes their name is sometimes looked down on as not having enough backbone to keep their name. If someone likes the idea of having a common family name, and / or doesn't feel any loss of identity for changing their name that's an equally fine reason to change their name. I think it's fairly rare now that someone changes their name and doesn't want to. That doesn't mean that a part of them doesn't want to keep their name too, you can want both things!

The one thing that I think is overblown is the hassle caused in work. Again, it's a personal choice to change it in work. But it's not going to set your career back if you do! It will be a bit of hassle when you do, occasional hassle for a couple of years after and no hassle after that.

Dr. Em

Recliner wrote: »

I'm surprised it's even a question someone would ask. Honestly I've no idea if any of the married women I know changed their names or not.
Would it actually be a question a bride to he would be asked? Or are people making a point of stating that they are/are not changing to get a reaction?

Hi, this thread was sparked by pressure from in-laws to change my surname to hislastname. I wanted to hear other experiences on the same subject. Hope that helps.

Dr. Em

eviltwin wrote: »

Changing your name to suit your in-laws is extreme. You’ll have to live with it for the rest of your life so be sure you want to do it. I know you don’t want to cause aggro but it’s not their choice.

What does your fiancé think?

He is happy to support my decision, but wishes it weren't causing so much controversy. On an intellectual level he completely understands why I might not want to change my surname (paperwork, degrees, professional qualifications and reputation in my own name), but has a slightly romantic view of taking the same surname (although he is very attached to his own surname and wouldn't consider changing it if the tradition were reversed).

Dr. Em

99nsr125 wrote: »

And if there's no reason then it does tell us something.

You end up with a different name to your children.

Husband and children share a common connection but mom doesn't what does that convey to your children . . .

What if there is no possibility of children?

Dr. Em

blue note wrote: »

What I always find in this discussion (because it's a discussion I only really have with people around the age they commonly marry) is that there's no pressure to change your name, but there is to keep it. It's probably from people bluntly saying how they feel about it - things like "I'm not going to bow to the pressure, "why would you put yourself through the hassle," "I find it demeaning that I'm expected to change my name." They're all perfectly fine ways to feel about it, and perfectly fine reasons to keep your name. I suppose by not prefacing it by "I feel" or the like it comes across as a statement of fact rather than an opinion, but we would never get anything said if we have to be that careful with our words all the time!

But I find now that someone who changes their name is sometimes looked down on as not having enough backbone to keep their name. If someone likes the idea of having a common family name, and / or doesn't feel any loss of identity for changing their name that's an equally fine reason to change their name. I think it's fairly rare now that someone changes their name and doesn't want to. That doesn't mean that a part of them doesn't want to keep their name too, you can want both things!

The one thing that I think is overblown is the hassle caused in work. Again, it's a personal choice to change it in work. But it's not going to set your career back if you do! It will be a bit of hassle when you do, occasional hassle for a couple of years after and no hassle after that.

In an ideal world, there wouldn't be pressure either way. It's very interesting that there is pressure to keep your name as well. Most of my friends would be slightly unconventional and I didn't think it was much of an issue either way until just recently when I mentioned I wouldn't be rushing out to change all my documents.

Dial Hard

Dr. Em wrote: »

He... has a slightly romantic view of taking the same surname (although he is very attached to his own surname and wouldn't consider changing it if the tradition were reversed).

It's funny how many men think it's romantic and not such a big deal until it's suggested that they be the one to make the change...

Recliner

Dr. Em wrote: »

Hi, this thread was sparked by pressure from in-laws to change my surname to hislastname. I wanted to hear other experiences on the same subject. Hope that helps.

FWIW, my experience is that I have changed it for some things and not for others. If I can't remember which one it is I give both.
I'm actually thinking of double-barreling mine as I miss having my maiden name, it wouldn't be very common, whereas my husbands name is quite common enough, if you know what I mean.
I've been sounding it out in my head and it doesn't sound as weird as I thought.

My post sounded a bit narky, but I wasn't having a dig.
As regards your in-laws, if you don't want to change it professionally, then don't. How will they know anyway?

mojesius

I didn't change mine as it seemed like a massive pain in the arse to remember everything that needed to be changed. Plus my surname is quite unique and wanted to keep it. Another factor was I was expecting straight after we got married and life got very hectic very quickly. Still haven't gotten around to even doing our wedding album 3 years later

meeeeh

I find marriages tend to be very touchy subject in general. People feel the need to have an opinion just about anything you do.

I find marriage a hassle that has to be done because of whole pile of legal securities. If Irish laws weren't so skewed against cohabiting couples I would feel no need to get married and wouldn't even have to deal with decision what surname to take. However as it happens after over decade long engagement and two kids I'm now married and have husbands surname. Not one thing changed for me, we don't even have joint bank account. Probably the only two documents both our names are on are mortgage and health insurance (and that's probably still under old surname).

Professionally changing my name probably benefitted me. We own a business and a lot of people in industry would know husband's name. There is authority that comes with that that I wouldn't necessarily have otherwise.

El_Duderino 09

These things can be down to the couple and family circumstances too. I told my wife I wouldn't consider changing my surname and I wouldn't put any pressure on her to change hers either. So she didn't

I'm the last bloke of my surname in the extended family and her brother is in the same position. So we both decided that if we have children (PG) then her brother and his wife will keep their surname going and we will keep mine going.

Traditions can be nice but I wouldn't want to be a slave to them.

Loinnir66

Married 29 years, never considered changing it and in fairness, our three children have my surname. Eldest child was born before i met husband and i didnt want the children to have different names so we decided that all three would have mine. Its never been an issue for us and only mild curiousity for the lads. Also they call us by our first names so we're pretty casual about names.

skallywag

It is very common these days to keep your own name after getting married.

I have a family member who kept her name, but uses her husband's surname when it suits her, e.g. to prevent people finding her on social media (-:

That said I also know others who see taking on the husband's name as part of the 'whole package' and who genuinely relish in it.

Personally I see nothing wrong with either option, just as long as one does not go down the double-barrel route, which I find absolutely ridiculous slash bordering on horrific , but I guess that's for another thread.

Feisar

Dial Hard wrote: »

It's funny how many men think it's romantic and not such a big deal until it's suggested that they be the one to make the change take it up the ass...

Fixed that for you:D

Feisar

Sorry about the above, it popped into my head and I thought it was funny.

Surnames...

I said to my future wife at the time "sure it's up to you, I really don't care. Which is totally true, it'd be a cold day in hell before I'd give mine up, our crowd didn't take the soup if that makes sense to some of ye. Having said that I'm not some sort of pure blood, I count six surnames of the top of my head who's blood flows equally through me. It really is really old school patriarchal nonsense about the male line.
I've read people saying about the same name as the kids, I said sure we can call him after your crowd. She looked at me like I had five heads.

lazygal

Never changed my name. We have kids, they have both our surnames.
I've heard dire predictions of how awful this will be for them later in life since I had my first.
If a bit of hassle with a name is the worst issue they have from our parenting choices we won't have done too badly.
I have an annoying Irish name because my parents wanted to be a bit different, my surname has never caused me hassle.

I think I would have reconsidered getting married if my now husband had been ruffled at the thought I wouldn't change my name.

Neyite

I'll be using both after I get married I think. He's not bothered either way. Some inlaws changed their name, some didn't so there will be no comment either way from his side of the family. None from mine either.

He's got a nice surname and it suits my first name and I like the sound of them together. A lot of the time I get referred to as Mrs Hisname anyway especially if it's an appointment for my son who has his surname. And I'll change my surname on the voting register because whatever way they are consistently unable to spell a perfectly straightforward bog-standard common surname I always seem to end up lost in the system and eventually go through a rigmarole to go back on the supplemental register. :rolleyes:

For other stuff like work I'll continue to use my own name. Because that's who I am too.