Parenting alone on purpose

openup

I've been considering becoming a mother alone - using donor sperm. I'm a few years away from being ready (don't own my own home yet) but I was wondering if anyone here has done it? How was the process? What are the costs? When did you decide to go for it? As a goal I've told myself 35. I've heard that there is councelling involved, what's that like? A big question for me is what role do your family play? I'm not sure how supportive my parents would be of the idea and they're quite elderly so I'm not sure they would be able to physically provide me with much help. And my siblings live abroad.

I know there are ethical arguments for not going forward with something like this. While I think they are valid and I am considering all sides of this decision this is not what this post is about.

Loveinapril

Louise McSharry did an interview on her show on 2fm a few months back with a single woman called Clodagh O' Hagan who was then pregnant through donor sperm. She speaks really candidly about her decision and the process so it would probably be a good listen for you. She recently had her son. She is on Instagram too under the name Clodeine.

pwurple

Consider very carefully some of the less than ideal scenarios and plan for them too.

Your untimely death or disability when the child is very young. With no parents or sibling support, you need another support structure.

How to cope with profound disability, or accident where the child needs 24*7 care. The sad fact is that when there a child needs more care, what happens is one parent becomes the breadwinner for the considerable expense, and the other gives up work to manage the care full time. Feeding tubes, trachy , managing all the treatment appointments.


And lastly, if you have the means to do parenting alone, please consider fostering.

Dravokivich

Racking my head not to sound too aggressive in response here, but ultimately reading your OP reminds me of a story about a woman who broke her back, so she could be wheelchair bound. It ain't easy being a parent. It's less so to go it alone.

work

Dravokivich wrote: »

Racking my head not to sound too aggressive in response here, but ultimately reading your OP reminds me of a story about a woman who broke her back, so she could be wheelchair bound. It ain't easy being a parent. It's less so to go it alone.

I do not understand your answer. This lady is researching a perfectly viable and planned way to bring a child into the world. I cannot see the similarity with breaking your own neck? Are you saying she will be a drain on society or she has a psychiatric illness?
My advice would be to try and progress having a child via a classic route as being a parent for me is fulfilling but without someone to share the special times with is a huge disadvantage and shared parenting is hard so going alone without massive back up can't be much fun, only in my opinion.
Whatever you do good luck but I'd advise trying to find a partner/soul mate it will be much more enjoyable.

Dravokivich

work wrote: »

I do not understand your answer. This lady is researching a perfectly viable and planned way to bring a child into the world. I cannot see the similarity with breaking your own neck? Are you saying she will be a drain on society or she has a psychiatric illness?
My advice would be to try and progress having a child via a classic route as being a parent for me is fulfilling but without someone to share the special times with is a huge disadvantage and shared parenting is hard so going alone without massive back up can't be much fun, only in my opinion.
Whatever you do good luck but I'd advise trying to find a partner/soul mate it will be much more enjoyable.

I'm saying she's making things harder for herself.

seamus

I'm not going to tell you it's a bad idea, but you need to understand the scale of what you'd be getting yourself into.

A family friend is unintentionally in the same situation. Single mother, father not in the picture, grandparents all dead, all aunts and uncles living abroad.

It's hard work. Like insanely hard. Even with a healthy child, it is full-on, 24/7. There is nobody else to take the baby for 30 minutes so you can sh1t & shower in peace. Child has to go to creche five days a week. There's no other option. When the child is sick, she has to ring in sick.

When the pandemic started she had no option but to be off work for 3 months until creches became available again. Her employer was obviously less than enthused, but she had zero choice. Even the smallest respites she used to get - friends babysitting for the evening so she could go out with other friends - have been taken away.

It is one thing being a single parent with support structures. With grandparents who can pop over twice a week to let you go shopping, who can do the school pick-up when they're five. With aunts and uncles who can take them for a sleepover and let you go off on a weekend away. With another parent who can take them for a week at a time while you sleep in and catch up on stuff.

But to do it with no support, is a whole other world. It is signing up for a full-time job, 112 hours a week, with 24/7/365 on-call and nobody to relieve you.

That's before you throw in the possibility as pwurple outlines above. You may end up with a child requiring special care.

wildwillow

A neighbour did this. Child was born with Down's Syndrome. Unlike you she had multiple family members to support and help and has managed well. Had a second child after about three years.

Difference is the support and also the family and herself would be without money worries. She is a wonderful mother and is raising two very lovely children. But even with tremendous support, she is alone in parenting.

openup

Hang on? Do people honestly think I haven't considered that this might be hard?
I appreicate that you are all trying to be nice and taking the time to respond but honestly it's beyond condescending. As I've said the ethical argruments are things I'm working through myself. Fostering and adoption are not viable options for a single person living in in Ireland. I know people struggle to view a single female as a fully functioning adult but I would think you'd give me enough credit to have noticed that single parenting is hard.

Parenting with a partner is obviously referable, it's why I'm not a parent now but I'm not sure parenting is a live experience I'm willing to let pass me by just because I've never found someone.

Thanks to the couple of constructive replies. Would love to hear more from people who've gone through it. I only know one such family and I know them in a professional context so I can't really ask.

Neyite

I can't comment about the donor side of things but you might find some answers about the process here. And this gives you an indication of prices.

There's some legislative considerations that will be useful to know as well.

The baby years are relatively easy. It's the school years that it becomes a juggling act and have factors you need to consider:
Your job & flexibility: Children annoyingly don't follow a schedule. There's teething, vomiting bugs, dental appointments, Inset days. Even a routine health issue can take several appointments and referrals before it actually gets resolved, using up precious annual leave. For some, a good childcare arrangement is fine, but for illness (especially for anything contagious or infectious you won't get childcare or get called out of work to come and get them. Off hand, I counted 20 days in the first year of creche where we were called to get the baby, with him being fine at drop off - mostly teething. Then there was conjunctivitis (3-4 bouts), lice, (3 times he got those!) chicken pox, (week off until he was not infectious any more) ear infections (x3) as well in the first three years. So if you have the flexibility to work from home or to rearrange your schedule at the last minute, that's a big plus.

Childcare: There's different types, to suit different family setups. We used a creche for the preschool years because we were too far from family, and wanted the reliance of not being let down if a childminder was sick, or taking leave. A creche will roster on staff to cover absences so the service is a bit more seamless. But, from experience, you also need backup - a neighbour, a friend, a relative who could pick up your child if you get a flat tyre, if the bus breaks down, etc, because that's life. We moved closer to family members when school started and it's proved very helpful. It's a small village where I made good mom friends very quickly and luckily they (and I) are quick to offer help to each other in emergencies. One thing that surprised me was all the extras when school started. Intro day to get them settled in JI, (took the morning off) vaccination day (they need a guardian present - poor granny was dragged out at the last minute for that one!) parent-teacher meetings scheduled for 2pm, and lots of other extra-curricular things that cropped up. Don't get me started on sports/hobbies that all seem to be scheduled from 4pm onwards!

Guardianship: We have a sibling who offered to be guardian should anything ever happen us. Our son goes to their house after school three days a week so he's like a sibling to his cousins. I know they would ensure that he was fully part of their family if ever needed.

Having just the one: I've an only child, and a big part of moving close to family was to foster closeness with his cousins and to foster lots of friendships for his social life. There are some children who've done fine being raised by mum alone and not having had much of a network of social peers outside of school, but our own experience is that our child thrived when we moved and his day to day social network increased. When you asked how big a support family play - for us it's massive. My side of the family are scattered and live away but OH's are literally next door or down the road. For example, if you are sick, if you had to dash into A&E with appendicitis, do you have someone who you could look after your child at 3am and get them off to school the next day? And a backup to that person? Because sods law will be that the one time you need your emergency back up, they are on holiday. (that's happened us and a lovely neighbour did the school pick-up for us and minded him until we got back to pick him up) So if you could move closer to family who could lend a hand I'd strongly recommend it.

Cost of childcare: A full time creche from 6 months is cheap at €1k a month. It gradually reduces through the preschool years but even wraparound care before and after school or during school holidays is a significant chunk, and you'll be paying that until secondary at least so it's worth doing the sums.

There's no reason why you can't raise a child alone as long as your plans are child-centric and adaptable.

John Hutton

If it's a few years away would you not be best placed in trying to find a suitable partner in the meantime?

Dravokivich

openup wrote: »

Hang on? Do people honestly think I haven't considered that this might be hard?
I appreicate that you are all trying to be nice and taking the time to respond but honestly it's beyond condescending. As I've said the ethical argruments are things I'm working through myself. Fostering and adoption are not viable options for a single person living in in Ireland. I know people struggle to view a single female as a fully functioning adult but I would think you'd give me enough credit to have noticed that single parenting is hard.

Parenting with a partner is obviously referable, it's why I'm not a parent now but I'm not sure parenting is a live experience I'm willing to let pass me by just because I've never found someone.

Thanks to the couple of constructive replies. Would love to hear more from people who've gone through it. I only know one such family and I know them in a professional context so I can't really ask.

As it so happens, I'm a single parent.

openup

Dravokivich wrote: »

As it so happens, I'm a single parent.

Gone throught the process of becoming a parent through sperm donation as a single woman. I know plenty of single parents.

Dravokivich

openup wrote: »

Gone throught the process of becoming a parent through sperm donation as a single woman. I know plenty of single parents.

It makes no odds how the kid comes to be.

openup

John Hutton wrote: »

If it's a few years away would you not be best placed in trying to find a suitable partner in the meantime?

Yes. It's not an either or situation. I still very much hope to meet and fall in love with someone who also wants children but I also want to be prepared. If I was only saving half the money I needed for a deposit on a house because I'll ideally buy one with a hypothetical partner that would be crazy.

banie01

Parenting alone is hard.
Parenting together is hard.
Parenting, is hard.

I've done it, it was solely my son and I at home for @8yrs.
That time has given us a strong bond, but it was hard.
If not for the support of Grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family and friends it would have been even harder and I think it would have been a far grimmer experience.

It's a brave choice but make no mistake, particularly if familial support is scant and you already down "half" a support network?
Its going to be a hard slog but if it's what the OP has decided on?
I wish her and her future child the very best in her choice.

openup

Dravokivich wrote: »

It makes no odds how the kid comes to be.

So ok. Can you tell me how you began the sperm donation process? How did you decide you were ready? Which fertility clinic you went with? How did you handle questions from others about who the father is? At what age did you tell your child? How was the councelling during the process? Are there any situations in which people can be refused the treatment? Did you go for IVF or just artificial insemination and why?

Parenting is hard. But I have plenty of people in real life to speak to about parenting. Single and otherwise. I'm interested in a very specific situation. If I'm misunderstanding you and you did in fact go through this process I'd be delighted if you could answer my questions. If you became a single parent through other means then thanks for your time but I have friends I can speak to.

eviltwin

Dravokivich wrote: »

It makes no odds how the kid comes to be.

I think mentally there is a vast difference between choosing to parent alone and finding out you have no choice but to parent alone

OP there is a forum on Rollercoaster for people who have gone down this route to parenthood. I don’t think you have to justify yourself and wish you all the best.

Neyite

openup wrote: »

So ok. Can you tell me how you began the sperm donation process? How did you decide you were ready? Which fertility clinic you went with? How did you handle questions from others about who the father is? At what age did you tell your child? How was the councelling during the process? Are there any situations in which people can be refused the treatment? Did you go for IVF or just artificial insemination and why?

There's a TTC board here that you will find a lot of fertility related questions, and there's a long term TTC thread for discussion of infertility issues. You'll probably find that helpful. I was a poster there for about 8 years during the process of trying for a baby (and subsequent ones) What I will say is that each and every one of our experiences were unique. A lot of the medical stuff was similar - and that was great to hear from others, but it really isn't a one-shoe-fits all. There's not a lot about donor sperm though - Rollercoaster would be your best bet I think.

wildwillow

I think people here are just pointing out the difficulties. Being a single parent by choice is not a problem. There are thousands of single parents in the country who were in relationships when the child was concieved and then find themselves alone at a later date, whether father or mother.

The lack of support for the practical aspects of parenting is what is bothering most posters. You really do need some backup for the emergencies that are bound to happen.

An illness or an accident could put you out of action for a period when you need practical help.

You are obviously thinking this out carefully and I have no doubt you will succeed.

Good planning and entering into any future with your eyes open is a good trait.

shesty

Do you have anyone at all to provide you with help?
Do you have a good salary?So say could you afford a repayment on a house of what...600/700eur a month, plus creche fees of possibly 1000eur a month, if you work full time (sometimes if you work partime too).
They are only 2 aspects of it.
The mechanics of it happening are easily researched OP, but they are literally a drop in the ocean compared to what will come next.
You have said you know it's hard ,but you sound like you have basically no support (even if your parents were ok with the ethical side of things) - it is not something to enter into lightly, just for the life experience.
But equally, that's not something you really understand until you have the child, and then it's too late.

Loveinapril

openup wrote: »

Fostering and adoption are not viable options for a single person living in in Ireland.

This isn't true. I work with young people in care and know of plenty of single female and male foster carers.

cornflake1

A friend of the family had a son by a sperm donor. She was not alone though, but part of a same sex couple. She went to Belgium for the sperm donor. She chose a facility where the child may write to the father after turning 15. Her son turned 20 recently but I don't know if he has contacted his father.

I am afraid I don't know the person well enough to give you any further details.

lazygal

Op, I can understand the longing to have a child. And I would say don't let what anyone might think put you off if this path is the right one for you.
Parenting is hard no matter what way you come to it. But I know some people who find it easier as a lone parent, they didn't chose the option you are thinking of but were with unsatisfactory partners and now parent alone and find it easier in many ways. I take my hat off to any single parent, I don't know how they do it but they do.
I know of one person who went the donor route, she said she could have chosen another route with a man but didn't want the hassle of access etc. She's very happy. And thinking of a second with the same method.
I know of another woman who went the donor route in her 40s, very much to the disapproval of her mother and wider family. A lot of judgment from people around her which I'm sure wasn't easy. Now the child is here and while it isn't a fairytale ending with the wider family like Hollywood movies, she is happy and the child is happy and they have a lovely life together.

openup

wildwillow wrote: »

I think people here are just pointing out the difficulties. Being a single parent by choice is not a problem. There are thousands of single parents in the country who were in relationships when the child was concieved and then find themselves alone at a later date, whether father or mother.

The lack of support for the practical aspects of parenting is what is bothering most posters. You really do need some backup for the emergencies that are bound to happen.

An illness or an accident could put you out of action for a period when you need practical help.

You are obviously thinking this out carefully and I have no doubt you will succeed.

Good planning and entering into any future with your eyes open is a good trait.

Which is fair enough to an extent but that's clearly not what I'm looking for from this post and it's frankly insulting to suggest that I hadn't realised that solo-parenting (or any parenting) is hard. This isn't a whim.

openup

Loveinapril wrote: »

This isn't true. I work with young people in care and know of plenty of single female and male foster carers.

Really? I would be very interested in this but was told as I was in full-time employment I would only be eligible to provide short-term respite care

openup

openup wrote: »

Which is fair enough to an extent but that's clearly not what I'm looking for from this post and it's frankly insulting to suggest that I hadn't realised that solo-parenting (or any parenting) is hard. This isn't a whim.

Being honest with you, you sound like someone who cant be bothered listening to anyone and who knows it all.

So off you go then if you don't want to take some advice which is being offered in good faith.

Neyite

openup wrote: »

Which is fair enough to an extent but that's clearly not what I'm looking for from this post and it's frankly insulting to suggest that I hadn't realised that solo-parenting (or any parenting) is hard. This isn't a whim.

Drav has a point up-thread - the conception process almost becomes moot when you get pregnant from it. The fertility clinic route is straightforward in that you get your initial appointments, some blood tests, sometimes a trans-vaginal ultrasound and they work out your treatment plan - in your case they would give you medications to manipulate your cycle (usually injections at set days of your cycle - from memory it's something like 5 days in a row from day 3 or something) then you go for the ultrasound so they can see when you'll likely ovulate, tell you when to take the trigger shot and it's at that point that it differs from the experience that I had or an IVF cycle. Once the clinic verified my 36 hr ovulation window, we went home to do the deed the bog-standard way. For an ivf cycle the next stage is egg retrieval, for you it would likely be insertion of the donor sperm. Then you go home and wait a full two weeks before testing. The meds can be rough. And I'm not a fan of needles. They may offer a follow up scan at 7 or 8 weeks, but after that, the process is done and dusted. Apart from the initial midwifery father questions, but some of those would be given to you anyway by the clinic.

In Ireland you can't choose the sex of your child but there are a couple of European countries if you have a serious genetic issue that affects one sex and not the other where you can opt for selective sex selection. You don't have to get your treatment in Ireland. European clinics (covid aside) often offer more treatments /tests at much lower costs. We all probably know a couple who loved their city breaks to Prague/ Barcelona so much they returned every couple of months? Likely not just a coupley city break

How you explain his/her paternity to your child down the line? What I would probably do is do a lot of reading of the stories of people who were conceived via donor sperm. Like this reddit sub just to get a feel for the kind of questions/issues they might have had growing up, if it affected them and if so, was there a better way to approach it? There's no real point asking parents who used donor sperm because they know the reasons why they chose that method - just like you do, the unknown variable is how that future child might feel about it, and for that, you probably need to hear it directly from them.

highly1111

Clodagh O'Hagan spoke to Ray Darcy about her journey here - you might need to scroll down a little.

https://www.rte.ie/radio1/ray/programmes/2020/0107/1104900-ray-darcy-tuesday-7-january-2020/

Years ago I heard the story of Laura on his show - I can't find the link but I don't have time to search properly - seems to be end of Jan 2016 or early fab - I know because i found this link where it was followed up by talking to the Danish Sperm Donor Facility directly here:

https://www.rte.ie/radio1/ray/programmes/2016/0204/765423-ray-darcy-thursday-4-february-2016/

Loveinapril

openup wrote: »

Really? I would be very interested in this but was told as I was in full-time employment I would only be eligible to provide short-term respite care

Yeah it's the full time thing that will stop the assessment process. Foster carers get an allowance for looking after the children so isn't seen as acceptable for the carer then to pay someone else to mind the children for a large portion of the week. A foster carer should also be available to facilitate family access, reviews, professional meetings and any appointments the child may have too so a fulltime job would impact this.

pwurple

Neyite is on the ball there, learning the experiences of the children of sperm donor arrangements would be highest on my mind. We have a sordid recent past in this country where children in mother and baby homes were not permitted to find out where they came from, that's a lifetime of pain and lack of identity for some of those children. I'd be slow to inflict that on someone without a very good understanding of how to avoid that.


To be honest, your initial post reads to me of loneliness. No family support, approaching the age where women are technically "geriatric mother's" when they become pregnant. A baby may not fix that, in some cases it makes it a lot worse. I never felt so lonely as when I had a newborn.