One sided relationship?

Millionaire only not

Just wondering this quality time ye spend together for few hours , would it be on bed ? Is it sex every time he calls for few hours ?
I’m in similar because I’m like him once I get it I’m off for next few days . It works but I don’t know for how long , would I make full commitment never again . Been there done that .
So that’s from his side of things and imagine most men feel the same , extra kids there stressed from there own enough, the ex it all ads up and last thing they want is more complication .
Enjoy yer time and Ull have to wait for kids to grow up and I guess also the parents.

Hannibal_Smith

Am I right that you all used to do things together, but one (or all of the children?) went back and told the mother that your boyfriend spent all his time with you? So is this focus on them fairly recent and on the back of this?

I get that it's frustrating and I know you get he's trying to be right by his kids, he must feel awful thinking his kids feel ignored. That's what he's trying to fix. It's just pretty hard that you have to be left out while he fixes it.

When you have a bitter ex poisoning everything it must slow everything down and make moving on harder and I guess that's what she's trying to achieve. You say she emotionally manipulated him during the relationship and it looks like she's still doing it. She's moved on and got a live in boyfriend... But your partner must live in limbo, unable to move on, because he's trying to do right by the children and fix the divide the ex is digging.

Maybe he needs time to reestablish the trust and security with his kid(s) and then things will change. Whether you want to wait it out and accept the situation as it is, is another thing.

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Am I right that you all used to do things together, but one (or all of the children?) went back and told the mother that your boyfriend spent all his time with you? So is this focus on them fairly recent and on the back of this? .

Yes we used to do a lot together and the kids got on great but then things started to changed overnight a few years ago. I think the kids in their innocence went back and told her we had a great day out etc and she put an end to that. I think the kids are really confused as they can see I don't do anything to hurt them but yet they are not allowed like me. I wish they could see that in actual fact I played a big part in them reconnecting both them and their dad with his extended family, and they wouldnt have the relationship they have today with their aunts and cousins and nana without my input. As she had come between my partner and his family as so many abusers of this sort do.

I do know that it is not just me that she is turning them against. It is happening with another family member of his. One kid would come out with something like 'I'm not supposed to tell you anything'. His ex even referred to his mother as 'fat nana' and constantly run her down to them even though she was a wonderful person. I am trying not to take it personally but it's very hard.

L2020

Millionaire only not wrote: »

Just wondering this quality time ye spend together for few hours , would it be on bed ? Is it sex every time he calls for few hours ?
I’m in similar because I’m like him once I get it I’m off for next few days . It works but I don’t know for how long , would I make full commitment never again . Been there done that .
So that’s from his side of things and imagine most men feel the same , extra kids there stressed from there own enough, the ex it all ads up and last thing they want is more complication .
Enjoy yer time and Ull have to wait for kids to grow up and I guess also the parents.

Possibly in the earlier days it was but it really isnt now. And he would stay over or vice versa. There really is a lot to our relationship other than the physical side.

L2020

Also the kids never would be ignored. He wouldnt even so much as hold my hand in front of them. He wouldnt be the type to display any sort of public affection anyway!

laserlad2010

I feel really sorry for this man.

He has a toxic ex who makes his life very difficult.
His kids don't like his current partner.
His partner keeps pushing him to get her involved with his kids more (remember his kids don't like her, and his ex hates her being around).

What is he supposed to do?
He's vulnerable to custody changes as his ex can make his life more difficult (and has done for quite some time as per your posts).
His children are unhappy when you are around.
How can he win?

If he forces them to spend time with you they're unhappy, tell their mother who poisons them more, possibly resulting in them refusing to spend time with their dad.

I think the advice to reassess what you want is reasonable. I don't think this man can do any more for you given the difficult circumstances.

Remember it's not like the children want to see you and he isn't bothered. They don't want to see you.
This doesn't really seem like his fault, at all.

bitofabind

I'd add to the above post by saying that I really feel sorry for this man's kids too. They've gone through the trauma of a divorce and are now being raised by a completely toxic, bitter mother who's forcing them to choose between her and their father / father's relationship every day. They're not allowed to bond with the OP because their mother will guilt them and poison their minds over it. That's complicated and impossible for any adult, let alone a young child whose brain has not yet fully developed.

And what about your own children OP? Is it healthy for them to witness your relationship with an unavailable man, who won't/can't open up his life to you and your kids, and after the pain of their own parents' divorce? Talk to any therapist or psychologist - these are the types of family issues that adults end up struggling with decades after the fact. It does untold damage to a child and sets them up for future issues with attachment, intimacy, commitment, relationships etc. We really do underestimate the importance of a safe, stable environment to a child, not just physically but emotionally and in terms of the kind of relationships they have modelled to them from a young age.

You're in a very difficult, complicated situation OP. I'd urge you to think about it in simple terms and try to be honest with yourself. Are your needs being met? Can they ever be met in this situation? What message is that telling your children?

eleventh

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Remember it's not like the children want to see you and he isn't bothered. They don't want to see you.
This doesn't really seem like his fault, at all.

She gets on ok with the older child. It's the younger child that's acting out. If she's very unhappy with her there, maybe she could skip those visits.

It's not an ideal situation, any of it, but a young child having that much say in who her father has in his house, doesn't seem right to me.

L2020

eleventh wrote: »

She gets on ok with the older child. It's the younger child that's acting out. If she's very unhappy with her there, maybe she could skip those visits.

It's not an ideal situation, any of it, but a young child having that much say in who her father has in his house, doesn't seem right to me.

As well as getting on with the older child I also get on with the younger 8yr old aswell...well to the point where they talk back to me and neither of them leave the room when I come in! It's the middle child that I struggle with as he won't talk to me at all and will leave the room or kick up with his dad.

I totally agree about a child not dictating who his dad can have in the house and so does my partner but he doesnt know what to do about it. He feels he is struggling with his own relationship with two of the children and that it isnt personally about me.

Also just to add to everyone that I really amnt pushing my way in to their lives all the time. It's just I would really like to be able to be around literally just one weekend day every 2 weeks. And they spend half of every week with their dad so there are so many days when it's just them and him.

laserlad2010

No winners here OP.

It's not his fault but this doesn't seem like its going to change any time soon.

You could just accept that you won't have a relationship with them for the time being. I meant to say that I've probably absolved him of any responsibility with my earlier post, and that you and he are responsible for a lot of his children's turmoil (thats simplified and wrong but is the reality for them and their mother).

If you are determined to be a part of their lives, is there a way you could sort of "organically" work your way into this?
Start out with changing their opinion of you.
This could be with kindness - arrange to arrive a short time before they go back to their mothers and have it be a positive interaction. This might require finding a way to connect with the middle child - not a gift as the mother might throw that in the bin...
Perhaps by cooking his favourite food, or talking to him about an interest of his.
The two girls have adjusted reasonably well but you'll have to work harder to connect with him.

Then you could build on that "innocuous" meeting to more of a prearranged visit. Perhaps you're just trying to get to the big stuff too quickly?

strandroad

OP I think that you're focusing on the wrong thing... You're trying to be closer with his side of the family but your real problem is that you're in fact in this strange halfway house relationship; you went through a lot of upheaval for it and seven years later you're pretty much in the same place, feeling lonely and like it's not what you signed up for. But what did you sign up for really?

It's easy to blame the "toxic ex" who seems to have her share of issues but at the same time look at what she actually did and recognise it. She was emotionally abusive but by your own account she accepted the intervention and took part in counselling so she was at least trying. Is it honest to say that she accepted no fault of hers in the breakdown when she did that? In turn, her then husband had an affair with you when she was either with a very small child or perhaps pregnant, not clear from the timelines; the worst possible way to dissolve a marriage. She was the one to find out too, the fallout must have been nuclear. Despite all that, it seems that she came to agreement with your partner and they are able to coparent in a way that is effective and smooth. She clearly respects him enough as a father and yes this puts you in a scapegoat position but it's on you both as much as it is on her. She has no obligation whatsoever towards you same as you had none towards her when you started the relationship with her husband; her allegiance is with her children so when she hears stories like that they are being ignored (which might very well be said on a whim, they are children after all) why wouldn't she act on it? She is not a nice person but she doesn't need to be nice to you unless she's an absolute saint and she's very far off it from the description... I think your focus on her is a distraction.

I do wonder what your plan was when you started the relationship with him? You say you were found out, what was the plan if you weren't? Was he going to leave his wife for you? Was he going to leave his wife regardless? Were you going to form a unit? Living together with five children is extremely hard to pull off but you were aware of that fact when you first got together, what were you going to do?

You went through so much to be together and yet seven years later you are still in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation, with no plans to even move in together. What's in it for you? What would happen if you pooled all resources and decided f*ck it, let's move and live together, let's even get married if this kind of commitment would help? Would your partner be up for it?

JasonStatham

She should definitely quit this relationship. It's far too complicated a dynamic to work well.

qwerty13

Unless I’ve really misread things, you were a part of the breakup of his marriage - even if your actual physical relationship didn’t start until after that. The exact timelines aren’t clear to me.

His ex clearly had behaviour that was not conducive to a good relationship. And was attending counselling. So I don’t really understand the timeline with that. How soon did you enter into a relationship with this guy after his marriage was officially over (not ‘practically’ over).

Sounds to me as tho the ex views you as one of the reasons her marriage failed. And now you’re getting pushback from his kids. This is a horrendous situation for your partner. But others who comment on the child not being let away with manipulative behaviour are right too. Problem is that the child might not even realise they’re doing that. It’s a tightrope for your partner.

Tbh my take is that you either accept things as they are, or walk away. While you do have needs which are valid, they’re not as valid as your partner looking after his kids. And it would be ideal if a compromise could be reached, but I just can’t see that as feasible for the next few years.

I actually think there’s merit in you two conducting your relationship only when neither of you kids are around (which I’d never normally say). Your relationship is causing trauma with his ex and kids, and as another poster said, do you want this to be the relationship template that your own kids grow up with.

L2020

Thank you for your response. Just to be clear his ex didnt accept that her behaviour wasnt right, and the counselling wasnt to seek help for that. The counselling was for him to try and deal with it. He ended up having to go to Amen for help and Pieta house, such was the extent of what he was going through. She would not let him have any sort of relationship with any member of his family. His young children were stopped from seeing their grandmother. She had the pin to his phone, the password to emails etc and regularly checked up on him. She drank and was a nightmare on these nights. And he ended up having to get Tusla involved as the abuse was starting on the middle child (the one with the issues now).

Yes it's fair to say I played a part in this marriage ending, but believe me that wasnt a bad thing. And yes the mother is out of their lives for half the week, but a hell of a lot of good people were put back in their lives because of it.

Tork

I don't know if there is any easy answer to this. It's easy to get distracted by the ins and outs of why the marriage ended. The big takeaway from this is that the ex has form when it comes to preventing access to the people in her life. First it was your partner not being allowed to have a relationship with his own family, then it was the grandparents not being allowed to see their grandchildren. You wouldn't have to be a genius to work out that your partner fears the day he's told one or the other of the kids doesn't want to see him. I don't know what the answer is but it makes for sad reading. Have you ever sat your partner down and got him to talk through his feelings about this, rather than how to find a solution? That might be a start of another conversation which is of more value to you.

lozenges

OP. The reality is that even though your partner's ex was abusive (and this is second hand information from your partner) he had an affair with you, which he kept secret from his ex, and which caused her to leave him. So as far as his kids are concerned, you are the woman their dad cheated on their mum with, betrayed their mum with and was the cause of the end of their parents marriage.

When they're older they'll probably see that their dad and mum had responsibility for the situation too, but right now they're too young for that. So they blame you.

If I were you I would not be pushing to spend time with your partner's kids. They don't want to see you. You have to manage the relationship in such a way that you spend time with your partner without impacting on his time with his kids. And like it or not, they come first.
If you can do that - great. If not - as others have said - maybe it could be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Hannibal_Smith

If the youngest was 8, they were only a year old when the parents split up, so how can they bear a grudge when this is the only life they know?
.
Tusla being involved is really worrying. Let him concentrate on his kids when he has them. There's a huge amount of issues there and he's doing the right thing by focusing on the kids given the circumstances.

It must be very difficult, I'm sire you want to move forward at this stage, but if he needs to take it slow for now he's not doing it to upset you. Its for a very good reason.

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

If the youngest was 8, they were only a year old when the parents split up, so how can they bear a grudge when this is the only life they know?
.
Tusla being involved is really worrying. Let him concentrate on his kids when he has them. There's a huge amount of issues there and he's doing the right thing by focusing on the kids given the circumstances.

It must be very difficult, I'm sire you want to move forward at this stage, but if he needs to take it slow for now he's not doing it to upset you. Its for a very good reason.

The youngest and oldest are actually ok with me. I'm sure I'm not their favourite person but they chat back to me a bit. It's the middle child that seems to have the biggest problem with me. I really feel for him as I can see how confused he is.

banoffe2

Hi Op
reading through the posts here, it appears to be very complicated, trying to make the relationship work for you both and trying to achieve the blended family.

I am thinking of the children here, and I can't begin to imagine what they must be going through.
They trying to cope with and process the break up of their parents, their grief and loss and trying to adjust to the new relationships on both sides and the new blended family dynamic.

It looks like he is looking for more space and quality time with his kids.

Wants and needs can be poles apart for people, I don't know what is realistic or achievable here.

Is it important for you that when you are both off and you both have the kids that ye go swimming together every day, would it be a problem if ye both went separately with yer kids.

It sounds like you would like to be with him all the time which will inevitably involve kids from both sides except when they are with the other parent.

The kids are young and these problems will continue, it would be ideal if they all accepted you, but too good to be true.

There is a high price to be paid for all involved in trying to achieve any type of blended family here and so much hurt going on in the background
Do you think it would be possible for you two to keep yer relationship separate and enjoy the quality time you share together.

I wish you the very best.

L2020

Yes at the moment our time together is mainly just when he has no children, and mostly when I dont have mine although they accept him so there are no problems there. I suppose it isnt important that we all go swimming together etc, I just wish that there was some involvement altogether so that when bigger events arise such as birthdays and christmases etc that it is possible to share these together. He has his kids every single Christmas, Stephens day and new years eve..she had this written into their separation agreement, this in my opinion sums her right up as the type of mother she is. Therefore if we can't have some time together it means it's a very lonely relationship.

1hnr79jr65

Just a bit of a curve ball here, what if his children see from their own view that if they become a big family with your kids, in their minds they would stop being family with their mother. Children can be very funny in how they perceive things with or without influence, maybe part of it is a fear or sense of anxiety at possibly not having a relationship with their mother as the family unit no longer exists as they once had and how all their friends have. They would see things a certain way based on their peers interactions with family.

Also from your last post you passed comment on the "type of mother she is" due to separation agreement your partner has with his ex, again children can pick up on tones and dismissive overtures which adults would explain as something else and could also get a feeling of how you are to them in relation to their mother.

A third point is you do not know how your partner really is in discussion you and his ex with his children, im not saying he could discuss you in a malicious way, however he may feel obligated to be more protective of his ex when dealing with his children and again this may skew perception.

There seems to be a tone of longing for a huge family unit for you with wanting your partners children involved, do you have a desire to have more children ? As much as the following statement is true with adults, your partners children don't owe you a relationship, im not saying this to be harsh, more so they had their own life before you became involved with their father, so that's why i ask about wanting a bigger family unit, as in their eyes you would not be there mother and they could be afraid of thats an objective you want.

cannotlogin

I think Strandroad's post hits the nail on the head & raises a lot of important issues.

In all fairness, you accelerated the breakup of his marraige and brought together two sets of children and at least one difficult ex, it was never going to be easy. This isn't a criticism but more an observation around expectations. Your relationship was always going to have added complications, it cannot be perfect but it seems like that's what you are striving for.

Two of his three kids have a good relationship with you, his ex appears to be somewhat accepting of the situation, your relationship is good most of the time. Is this not a good position. Yes, in an ideal world it would be less complicated but is it enough at the moment? Only you know.

Have you guys considered the future at all? Maybe moving in together down the road? Marraige? Etc.

L2020

cannotlogin wrote: »

Have you guys considered the future at all? Maybe moving in together down the road? Marraige? Etc.

To be honest I don't know that either of us want to even marry again having been through separations. And truth be told I love my own space and independence and would be very afraid of losing everything I've built up if this relationship goes wrong. Theres a lot of love between us but it feels very fragile. My partner (even though he did bring up living together) definitely likes his own space.

ElizaBennett

I'm in a pretty similar position but am in your bf position, though without a toxic ex. We did move in together for financial reasons but I regretted it instantly and would love to have my space back. We're saved by the fact that he works long hours so I at least get a few hours in the evening alone with my kids. If I could have a set up like yours I'd jump at it so be careful what you wish for. I was divorced and wanted a boyfriend not a life partner and definitely not a blended family. I just want you to think about what you actually really want.
If you don't want to marry him or live with him then what's so bad about a couple of evenings together a week and a weekend day together once a fortnight? I get that the Christmas thing is a bit sad but how awful would it be to force those two groups of kids together over the turkey and presents when Christmas should be a relaxed happy family day? As things are you're protecting your kids from a world of pain,, as he is his.
Every relationship like ours doesn't have to involve a forced blended family. We couldn't make it work as we're all too incompatible. My daughter pretty much leaves the room when my bf enters it. Not to be a brat but she has nothing to say to him. He's kind and quiet but hadn't killed himself trying as I haven't with his daughter as she's unpleasant to be around. It's all pretty toxic and extremely stressful so I just keep my life in two halves as much as possible. He and I have a ball when we go away together and I so wish that we didn't always have to come back to reality when the holiday's over

L2020

Thank you so much for your reply. This is a real eye opener.