Girl tried to trap me

Gilvo1986

10 years ago I had a one night stand, the girl got pregnant.

She called me told me the news and I was leaving to emigrate in the coming year which I was clear about from day 1.

Anyway I had no say she wanted to have the child and from then on I supported her finically and tried to maintain a decent level of contact but its been difficult.

I pay monthly maintenance and give money and help with xmas birthdays etc even tho she refuses to name me on birth cert.

I am not trying to say what I done was the right thing.

Im now married and still live abroad and have kids.

She stalks my Facebook and Instagram through various avenues and calls me drunk screaming and shouting abuse cause of pictures of my kids online???

She tried to trap me from the beginning and im trying to as much of the right thing if that’s possible.

I want to stay in contact with the child but she makes it difficult with her behaviour.

She has the child up at crazy hours while she’s drunk sending me voice message.

What are my options can anyone help?

Wanderer78

Gilvo1986 wrote:

What are my options can anyone help?

This is a very difficult situation, are you 100% sure the child is yours? It sounds like this girl is mentally unwell, she may have a complex disorder such as borderline personality disorder, look it up to see if the symptoms match her behaviour, but be aware, many disorders have similar symptoms

Gilvo1986

Wanderer78 wrote: »

This is a very difficult situation, are you 100% sure the child is yours? It sounds like this girl is mentally unwell, she may have a complex disorder such as borderline personality disorder, look it up to see if the symptoms match her behaviour, but be aware, many disorders have similar symptoms

Yeah I got the maternity test done. It’s very stressful

Wanderer78

Gilvo1986 wrote:

Yeah I got the maternity test done. It’s very stressful

Please look up borderline personality disorder, there is a possibility of this, in this situation

Gilvo1986

She’s blatantly mentally ill and highly volatile. But how can that help me ?

Wanderer78

Gilvo1986 wrote:

She’s blatantly mentally ill and highly volatile. But how can that help me ?

It might just let you know what you're dealing with, and more importantly, how to deal with it

percy007

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

She’s blatantly mentally ill and highly volatile. But how can that help me ?

Having the mother of your child diagnosed with a disorder after 1 post on a message board won't help your situation.

If you really want a relationship with your kid you will need to go down the legal route. I hope you have documented evidence of all the financial aid you have provided for the kid as this will help you. As for her behaviour you could be keeping a record of all this also but you need to have some empathy for her too. How do you know how she really feels? Maybe she feels trapped as the kid has interfered with her life plans?

I don't envy your situation and wish you the best in finding an outcome with the child's best interests the most important regardless of how you both feel about each other.

Gilvo1986

Yeah i have documentaion of everything from day one .

i dont know how she feels it was 100% her chioce

Wanderer78

percy007 wrote: »

Having the mother of your child diagnosed with a disorder after 1 post on a message board won't help your situation.

If you really want a relationship with your kid you will need to go down the legal route. I hope you have documented evidence of all the financial aid you have provided for the kid as this will help you. As for her behaviour you could be keeping a record of all this also but you need to have some empathy for her too. How do you know how she really feels? Maybe she feels trapped as the kid has interfered with her life plans?

I don't envy your situation and wish you the best in finding an outcome with the child's best interests the most important regardless of how you both feel about each other.

i some what disagree here, its also important to realise, nobody is diagnosing anyone here, even the professionals get this wrong from time to time, including with bpd, it generally takes a couple of years of professional observation to get such a diagnoses, but there are known techniques out there that help in such situations, the legal advice is good though, and unfortunately maybe needed here

Wanderer78

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

Yeah i have documentaion of everything from day one .

i dont know how she feels it was 100% her chioce

what was her choice?

0ph0rce0

You can't really just say it was her choice, c'mon now.

I doubt she's mentally ill ffs, this **** happens all the time. People have kids, break up, one or the other is on their own raising the kid, fair enough you pay maintenance, but then the other like you say sees Facebook posts, Instagram with the new family and wife and everything looks great and the other feels **** because their child doesn't have the same relationship and all that jazz.

You're the father if you want to be in the childs life you won't let a bit of jealousy or petty bull**** get in the way.

Plenty of people in your situation, it is what it is, do what ever it takes and get on with it.

Internet Police

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

i dont know how she feels it was 100% her chioce

Did you not choose to ride her OP?

Wanderer78

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

You can't really just say it was her choice, c'mon now.

I doubt she's mentally ill ffs, this **** happens all the time. People have kids, break up, one or the other is on their own raising the kid, fair enough you pay maintenance, but then the other like you say see's Facebook posts, Instagram with the new family and wife and everything looks great and the other feels **** because their child doesn't have the same relationship and all that jazz.

You're the father if you want to be in the childs life you won't let a bit of jealousy or petty bull**** get in the way.

Do what it takes and get on with it.

oh im not so sure about that!

Loveinapril

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

What are my options can anyone help?

What do you want from this? Do you want to uproot the child and have her move away from everything she knows to move in with you, your wife and your kids?

I hate that expression "tried to trap". You had unprotected sex with a stranger. Sounds like you both made a decision that landed you in this situation.

December2012

So the child is now 9 or 10 yes?

Do you telephone the child or video call them? Have you ever expressed any appreciation for the fact that she is raising your child?

FHFM50

Wanderer78 wrote: »

This is a very difficult situation, are you 100% sure the child is yours? It sounds like this girl is mentally unwell, she may have a complex disorder such as borderline personality disorder, look it up to see if the symptoms match her behaviour, but be aware, many disorders have similar symptoms

Probably not the best idea to go labeling people you don't even know or have very little information about.

I've been diagnosed with BPD myself and while I do have my issues, I wouldn't carry on the way that woman has.

I'm not having a go at you, I just think its premature to start throwing around the BPD/Bipolar labels.

Wanderer78

FHFM50 wrote: »

Probably not the best idea to go labeling people you don't even know or have very little information about.

I've been diagnosed with BPD myself and while I do have my issues, I wouldn't carry on the way that woman has.

I'm not having a go at you, I just think its premature to start throwing around the BPD/Bipolar labels.

fair point, no harm is intended, but sadly, borderlines i have come in contact with have had similar behavioral issues, as you know very well yourself, its an incredible complex disorder, which has a dreadful stigma attached to it, more people should really know about it, as its relatively common, and very badly dealt with, even at a professional level, and the more knowledgeable people are of the disorder, the better outcomes can be achieved for everyone involved. its a very painful disorder, its very upsetting to see a loved one struggle with it

marizpan

You come across as a very reluctant father still 9/10 years on who feels aggrieved by being trapped still.
You keep referring to your child as ‘the child’, very distancing language to use.

I actually feel sorry for the child, they must feel very hurt/unwanted/rejected. Especially as they are at that age of being curious and being able to look you up on Facebook.

screamer

Sorry to say it but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of this kind of situation. There are some bunny boilers out there too. Sounds as if you don’t want anything much to do with the child, in which case, I’d cut communication with the mother and just continue to pay maintenance until it reaches 18. Chances are it’s mother will have poisoned you in the child’s eyes anyways, it’s a no win situation. Do your duty financially best you can till it’s no longer your obligation and then what will be will be. A total mess of a situation being honest and you weren’t trapped you made a bad decision and there’s a poor kid paying the price for that now.

Wanderer78

screamer wrote: »

Sorry to say it but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of this kind of situation. There are some bunny boilers out there too. Sounds as if you don’t want anything much to do with the child, in which case, I’d cut communication with the mother and just continue to pay maintenance until it reaches 18. Chances are it’s mother will have poisoned you in the child’s eyes anyways, it’s a no win situation. Do your duty financially best you can till it’s no longer your obligation and then what will be will be. A total mess of a situation being honest and you weren’t trapped you made a bad decision and there’s a poor kid paying the price for that now.

fcuking hell, and you d be wondering how complex mental health and addiction problems occur in society!

Gruffalux

It. (Previous poster...)
"The" child.
Oh dear.
This story is a modern Greek tragedy. But sadly not uncommon.
There was an old fuddy idea once upon a time of knowing full well sex can lead to a baby and stepping up when you fathered a child. We are beyond such notions now.

I don't know the solutions for you. I feel sorry for everyone, your unfathered child, the drunken mother screaming down the phone, you, your wife, your children who may not even know they have a sibling.

The very most grown up thing to do is deal with this all head on and completely honestly.
I presume your wife knows. If not tell her.
Tell your children about their brother or sister.
Put aside whatever you are doing and go to the child you have largely ignored and try to establish a personal relationship with him or her. Repeat until you have a relationship and maintain closeness via calls and facetime etc.
Talk face to face with the woman who screams . Tell her you want your child to be a full normal part of your life, holidays with you, meeting their siblings, emotional support, shared parenting etc.
If the woman who screams makes it difficult persist on behalf of your child who needs you to be their father. Get legal advice and custodial access if needs be.

And so on. And on.
Do the very rightest thing you can even if you feel like running away. Otherwise this neglect of duty will be a thorn in your foot that will hobble you and cast a sadness over everything in your life forever. Everything in the open light now.

Alrigghtythen

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

You can't really just say it was her choice, c'mon now.

I doubt she's mentally ill ffs, this **** happens all the time. People have kids, break up, one or the other is on their own raising the kid, fair enough you pay maintenance, but then the other like you say sees Facebook posts, Instagram with the new family and wife and everything looks great and the other feels **** because their child doesn't have the same relationship and all that jazz.

You're the father if you want to be in the childs life you won't let a bit of jealousy or petty bull**** get in the way.

Plenty of people in your situation, it is what it is, do what ever it takes and get on with it.

This 100%

Gilvo1986

no

guitarhappy

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

Yeah I got the maternity test done. It’s very stressful

What's a "maternity" test? Roflmao.

Usually it would have​ been obvious who dropped the papoose.

guitarhappy

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

Yeah I got the maternity test done. It’s very stressful

What's a "maternity" test? Roflmao.

Usually it would have​ been obvious who dropped the papoose.

While I do find it odd that the majority of people telling you that you "made your bed" would be the first to don the black repeal jumpers, you have set yourself up for a fall here if that is how you see it.

A child, more importantly, YOUR child is alive. If you find that an inconvenience, that's up to you. I will judge you, others will judge you but only you can be comfortable in your actions towards that child who you brought into this life.

I give maintenance? Why do you? Is it charity?

You don't like the child's mother. Cool. You may not be able to afford to contribute to the child's upkeep. Cool. But to allude that you wish you child didn't happen, is in my opinion, terrible. Again, it's only my opinion.

From your post, it sounds like you wish you didn't have a child with that person. I genuinely wish that child didn't have a parent like you if that's your attitude.

SusieBlue

It sounds like your more concerned with getting the ex out of your hair than you are about the welfare of your child.

If she is that unstable and hostile with alcohol issues and potential mental health problems, what exactly are you doing to ensure your child is being properly looked after by this woman, bar paying maintenance?
Have you come to visit to ensure everything is ok, considered moving home or looked into getting joint custody?

Perhaps if she saw you making more effort with the actual parenting and having a relationship with your child and not just sending a bank transfer every month she wouldn’t be so angry at your posts playing happy families with your new wife and kids on social media.

You seem to have conveniently absolved yourself of all parental responsibility (bar financial) because you feel you were ‘trapped’, when the circumstances of conception are fairly irrelevant at this point.
There is an innocent child caught up in all of this, who you speak coldly about as if they are an inconvenience.
You are their father and you need to treat this child as you would your other children and do something to improve the situation for all involved - especially your son/daughter.

Whether that means increased phone calls, visits home, moving back to Ireland or possibly making a joint custody arrangement is all dependant on how bad the situation for your child is, but to me it doesn’t sound like you are making enough effort and you need to do better.

If you do all you possibly can and get nowhere because of the ex, at least you will have no guilt or regrets and one day in the future you can show your child how hard you fought for them with a clear conscience.

jrosen

Im not surprised the mum is going nuts. You seem to be a distant father. Lives abroad and pays maintenance but your actually absent for the most important part which is raising your child.

She sees you living your life and raising your other kids while she is left to parent alone. Id hardly call that fair.

Im not condoning any abusive behavior or any situation that puts the child at risk but before you start pointing the finger maybe you should take a long look in the mirror and realize that your child has 2 parents and right now only one present in her life.

Clare Kat

Internet Police wrote: »

Did you not choose to ride her OP?

Fair point, and throws the “trapped” scenario out the window.

reg114

Gilvo1986 wrote: »

10 years ago I had a one night stand, the girl got pregnant.

She called me told me the news and I was leaving to emigrate in the coming year which I was clear about from day 1.

Anyway I had no say she wanted to have the child and from then on I supported her finically and tried to maintain a decent level of contact but its been difficult.

I pay monthly maintenance and give money and help with xmas birthdays etc even tho she refuses to name me on birth cert.

I am not trying to say what I done was the right thing.

Im now married and still live abroad and have kids.

She stalks my Facebook and Instagram through various avenues and calls me drunk screaming and shouting abuse cause of pictures of my kids online???

She tried to trap me from the beginning and im trying to as much of the right thing if that’s possible.

I want to stay in contact with the child but she makes it difficult with her behaviour.

She has the child up at crazy hours while she’s drunk sending me voice message.

What are my options can anyone help?

This is a difficult situation and a stressful one for all involved. I dont understand the line about her 'trying to trap you in the beginning'. It was a one night stand, you took a risk and it backfired, but lets be honest we've all done it, so no judgement on that. But unless she deceived you or drugged you, you cant blame her for trying to trap you. That aside shes obviously a single mum bringing up a child whose father she has no relationship with, it cant be overstated how much of a life changing thing this is for any woman, so anyone suggesting here that she has a mental disorder is being exceptionally unfair. So she calls or texts after a few jars, who hasnt drunk dialled an ex ? She also is hitting out at you for putting her in this position indirectly. Its obviously not entirely your fault as it takes two to tango but you're a worthy target given her life is probably not what she pictured it would be. The main thing here is trying to establish some sort of dialogue with the help of an legal intermediary. I think once you start to develop a civil relationship with the mother based on your wanting to have contact with the child things may improve.

Dizzyblonde

That child is as much yours as the children you have with your wife, and is as deserving of your love and care as they are. It sounds as though you haven't seen much of them but I hope that's not true. How awful to grow up knowing your father sends money but isn't interested in you. Regardless of whatever you think of the mother, you should have done your very best all along to foster a relationship with the child you fathered. And to give more than money. It's not too late, you could start now and try to build a relationship. It might be very hard, having to deal with the mother whatever her mindset - but you've had an easy 10 years while she's raised your child.
I'm assuming the mother didn't 'trick you' into bed.