Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

H8GHOTI

I wonder if someone asked her at the time if she had a boyfriend, what her answer would have been?

Liamo57

Shes just had a lucky escape. You sound immature and childish. Grow up before you get yourself a girlfriend again.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If you didn't have a chat about whether you were in a proper relationship or not, then who she was with was her own business. She was under no obligation to tell you. And while she might have denied it initially when this came up, there's a distinct possibility it's because of this situation. This is why it is important not to play mind games and say what you want from a person.

Ireland has imported this 'dating' culture from America over the last 20 years or so, and I'm not sure it has done people here any good if they don't state what they want.

And your final sentence says that you are more worried about rejection than the chance of getting back together. That is a risk you have to take, you ditched her.

I'm not very experienced in dating or relationships and really don't know what I'm doing. That's why I'm here, all anxious about it. Maybe I should have handled it differently, I don't know.

I don't think I'm more worried about rejection, I just worry about everything. Rejection might be the best thing for me right now. At least then I can draw a line in the sand and the decision isn't left to me. Probably the cowards way out.

Liamo57 wrote: »

Shes just had a lucky escape. You sound immature and childish. Grow up before you get yourself a girlfriend again.

I don't really know what you mean by that? I thought I did what was right at the time, breakup up with her because she lied about being with a guy. Even if it was a grey area, lying is never a good sign in a relationship.

leggo

billythekid90 wrote: »

I'm not that experienced in relationships so I'm not sure what the normal reaction is supposed to be. I just thought that when I was so firm in my 'rejection' of her that that was the reason she's not trying to reconcile.

She has since responded to my message saying that she will meet with me this week. I do genuinely think she cares about my feelings, but maybe she's not interested in getting back together and is not trying to give off that vibe.

The blocking from social media I don't really understand. If she is, as you say, doing it to stop me seeing her living her life then surely it's because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings which kind of goes against your previous point about her not respecting me.

I don't think she is trying to keep me on the line as a backup plan if that's what you're suggesting. I haven't given off any vibe of reconciliation, at least not yet. In my last message I did say to her that she's been on my mind ever since we broke up.

Look OP, go see her and get whatever closure you need on this situation anyway. I do think the above is a bit naive though, it goes with the assumption that everything she’s doing is with you in mind. For example, even if she is, as you say, blocking you from her stories to ‘protect you’ because she cares so much...what’s she doing that you need protecting from? Like if she’s off with loads of new lads or has gotten into another relationship, that kinda flies in the face of someone who cares so deeply about you and what you had right?

You seem to be twisting your perception of the situation so much it defies logic that’s staring you in the face. Normally I’d leave someone be because it can take time to process and accept those tough decisions, but you’re now actively fighting to get this person back in your life and she’s actually done nothing proactive herself to inspire such a change of heart, beyond being okay with you finishing it. Keep in mind the simplest explanation is often the most likely one: she probably took ages to reply because your text wasn’t high on her list of priorities, she probably made a deliberate effort to block you from her stories because she’s pissed you dumped her and wants to punish you (which contradicts her apologetic routine), she’s probably apologising but not trying to stop you from dumping her because she’s okay with that.

Come to think of it, how did you find out about this kiss months after the fact? Did she tell you, did you snoop or what happened? I think the answer there might add a lot of context.

LegacyUser

What's clear is that I'm reading too much into everything. Look at how much time I've spent on this topic here on this forum! A normal person would have just slept on it and be done with it.

Sometimes I wonder if my reaction was way over the top because of all this thinking. I've essentially thrown away a good relationship with someone I love because of a single lie.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who see this as nothing and in the same situation would have a row and then be done with it the next day.

cloudatlas

How long have you been together? How many years vs 1 stupid kiss. You have to weight these thing up and decide if it's worth blowing things up over. To be honest it sounds as if you've already made a mess of things.

H8GHOTI

I think you’re being hard on yourself. If she didn’t kiss another guy and lie about it, you wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe you could have handled it differently but you had every right to be upset by her actions.

Not sure about having a row and forgetting about it in one day? Maybe if you were married and you found this out 10 years from now, you’d forget about it. But on the other hand, if you found out the day after it happened you would have probably walked away without a second thought. But because it happened 4 months ago, it’s awkward.

Have you met to talk yet?

LegacyUser

cloudatlas wrote: »

How long have you been together? How many years vs 1 stupid kiss. You have to weight these thing up and decide if it's worth blowing things up over. To be honest it sounds as if you've already made a mess of things.

Only about 7 months.

I realise I messed up. Should have just said nothing.

H8GHOTI wrote: »

I think you’re being hard on yourself. If she didn’t kiss another guy and lie about it, you wouldn’t have broken up. Maybe you could have handled it differently but you had every right to be upset by her actions.

Not sure about having a row and forgetting about it in one day? Maybe if you were married and you found this out 10 years from now, you’d forget about it. But on the other hand, if you found out the day after it happened you would have probably walked away without a second thought. But because it happened 4 months ago, it’s awkward.

Have you met to talk yet?

I think different personalities would react differently to this situation. I wish I was more easy going and just accepted this was a silly mistake and moved on.

She said she was busy this weekend but would let me know today when she's free. Haven't heard anything so I think it's dead in the water.

It's probably best to go hard no contact and block her on social media and not reach out again. I still really care for her but seeing her day in day out will just bring up my feelings over and over again.

H8GHOTI

Ah look, she might text you tomorrow, you just don’t know. She probably has a lot of the same feelings and thoughts you are having. I can’t say yes straight away, seem too eager, I’ll look weak etc....

Don’t make any rash decisions blocking her. You can hide her or take a break and she won’t know. A few days won’t make any difference. Your head is all over the place. Who knows how you’ll feel with a bit of time. You can block her next week, no rush.

blarb

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Ah look, she might text you tomorrow, you just don’t know. She probably has a lot of the same feelings and thoughts you are having. I can’t say yes straight away, seem too eager, I’ll look weak etc....

Don’t make any rash decisions blocking her. You can hide her or take a break and she won’t know. A few days won’t make any difference. Your head is all over the place. Who knows how you’ll feel with a bit of time. You can block her next week, no rush.

I agree with this fully. If you do indeed love her and want her back, don't go rushing into blocking her. As per the above post, she could be deliberating the same things as you. Just give her a couple of days and see. Maybe take a break from social media or hide her stuff from your feed. But I say give her the chance. She knows what she did was wrong, and it sounds like she just wanted to forget it happened and not make a big deal of it. Let her get back to you, chat with her in person, be honest and see how she's feeling. By saying you miss her and that you want to see if there's a way to make things work, you are not being "weak"... you're being human!

Tork

She's not exactly falling over herself to meet up with you, which makes me wonder what she's at. Maybe she's indulging in some mind games of her own and doesn't want to appear to be too eager. On the other hand, she might not be sure she wants a reconciliation or to meet up with you. I wouldn't go blocking her just yet but the longer this drags out, the more I think you should just move on.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, I think I'm in the minority here, but I don't think you're overthinking at all. In fact the whole reason you're putting so much thought into it, I imagine, is to manage your response so you don't follow with any knee jerk reaction.

Again, going very much against other sentiments here, but you were 2 and a half months in to your now 7 month relationship. I'm old school, where there was no talk of exclusivity or anything like that. If you got on, you kept going out and while you were the rule was, you don't snog anyone else. Either way, if you believed you were at a stage where you thought you were both focused on each other and she snogged someone else, you're not wrong to have been hurt by that.

It's easy for the person in the wrong to say... Ah it was only a drunken snog. But that completely white washes any right to be angry that the other person naturally has.

It could be a case of, you made her sweat by having her wait until you decided and she's not going to make herself available just because you've decided some time later that you want to talk to her.

I wouldn't block her either. If you want to save face, blocking her just makes you look petty and immature. Just take a breath. It's in the front of your mind because you're scrambling to salvage something. Don't panic. Call a friend. Meet for a walk or go for a walk yourself, do something to take your mind off it. It will pass. If she contacts you like you say, grand if she doesn't... All you can do is work on moving on.

messy tessy

billythekid90 wrote: »

Just to clear up a couple of points. She hasn't deleted from me from social media. She's picking and choosing what she shows me and it's really confusing me. She's of course entitled to do what she wants, but my head is wrecked trying to figure out what it means.

Also in my eyes we were exclusive but we never exactly said the words and didn't think we needed to. I am willing to let the incident pass because it was a bit of a grey area. I'm afraid to ask her if she thought we were exclusive at the time because if she says yes then she willingly did it while exclusive

How do you know she was hiding social media posts from you? I went into my Instagram stories and can't see how someone would see if I blocked them? Maybe I am missing someone really obvious but maybe she was just quiet on social media?

If you are willing to let the incident pass then for your own sake you should stop analysing it to death! If she wants to meet up great, if not delete her number and move on.

LegacyUser

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Ah look, she might text you tomorrow, you just don’t know. She probably has a lot of the same feelings and thoughts you are having. I can’t say yes straight away, seem too eager, I’ll look weak etc....

Don’t make any rash decisions blocking her. You can hide her or take a break and she won’t know. A few days won’t make any difference. Your head is all over the place. Who knows how you’ll feel with a bit of time. You can block her next week, no rush.

Sorry that I'm only replying to some of you but I thought it too much to quote everyone. I had made the decision to block her if I didn't hear from her last night. This morning I went on to block her and noticed she had hidden her story from me again so that really let me know that I should move on.

I'm not blocking her out of spite, or to be petty or immature, but just to move on and not having to see her on my app the whole time.

messy tessy wrote: »

How do you know she was hiding social media posts from you? I went into my Instagram stories and can't see how someone would see if I blocked them? Maybe I am missing someone really obvious but maybe she was just quiet on social media?

If you are willing to let the incident pass then for your own sake you should stop analysing it to death! If she wants to meet up great, if not delete her number and move on.

As I say, yesterday I saw some of her stories and then I went into her profile this morning and saw that I couldn't see them any more. Her last story was a bit of a revealing photo of her which she didn't hide from me, but then hid after I had viewed it. I don't know if she's playing games or what, but I know I would keep checking up on her if her profile was still there on my phone.

She can still message me on WhatsApp if she wants, but I doubt she will now.

Oh and regarding the drunken kiss, she never made any excuses for it. She admitted she was wrong and didn't try and play it off and blame the alcohol.

LegacyUser

Just an update, for those of you that care!

She finally got back to me, but again there was a lack of enthusiasm in meeting. She said she had a lot going on as she had just quit her job and wasn't in the right frame of mind to meet and talk about what happened, but would like to meet to chat when everything is sorted out. It may be a genuine reason not to meet, but more than likely just fobbing me off so she doesn't have to talk about the breakup.

She even said that "if this is the last time we speak I'm truly sorry that it has to end", which doesn't sound like she's putting up much of a fight. I said to her that I don't think she feels the same about me as I do about her, especially as she wasn't asking for forgiveness or looking for a second chance. Told her it may be best if we just cut contact as I couldn't stay in touch with someone I still have strong feelings for.

All I got was silence so that may be it. Hard to come back from that now.

LilacNails

Actions speak louder than words. Judge by that.

Sorry op, it does sound like u care more about the relationship than she does.

It's not easy, but you will just have to move on with your life. It's life and a learning experience. Most people experience this kind of pain, that's the risk that's taken when you fall for someone, that it could turn into heartbreak.

Dust yourself down and start again. You don't need her. She sounds flaky and a bit immature.

Focus and work on yourself. You'll be ok.

osarusan

billythekid90 wrote: »

I said to her that I don't think she feels the same about me as I do about her, especially as she wasn't asking for forgiveness or looking for a second chance.

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

LegacyUser

LilacNails wrote: »

Actions speak louder than words. Judge by that.

Sorry op, it does sound like u care more about the relationship than she does.

It's not easy, but you will just have to move on with your life. It's life and a learning experience. Most people experience this kind of pain, that's the risk that's taken when you fall for someone, that it could turn into heartbreak.

Dust yourself down and start again. You don't need her. She sounds flaky and a bit immature.

Focus and work on yourself. You'll be ok.

Thanks. I feel like I've been giving a lot of 'concessions' and making all the effort but getting nothing in return. I know if I had been dumped by someone I cared about I'd try everything and anything to win her back.

I need to look at the behaviour and not focus so much on the words.

osarusan wrote: »

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

I wasn't expecting her to respond or for it to help things. I just wanted to make the point that I didn't think her heart was in it. Maybe it was a stupid thing to say, I don't know. At that point I knew it was over so it didn't really matter what I said, I wasn't going to get her back.

laserlad2010

osarusan wrote: »

I don't know how you expected her to respond to that, or how you thought it would help things.

Anyway, sounds like it's over now.

Yeah look for future reference OP that really didn't portray you in a good light - it made you seem really petty IMHO.

Throughout this entire saga you have failed to allow her the independence that you want for yourself. You demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup, which she was initially, but your behaviour subsequently - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that you're more trouble than you're worth.

You're in your late twenties - use this experience to mature a bit more. If you break up with someone and regret it, say so. Be honest and then give them the choice of deciding whether they want to be with you again - or not.

Tork

Maybe his choice of words wasn't the best but a break-up was inevitable once it became obvious she wasn't pushed about meeting him for a clear the air chat. Maybe the relationship would've hit the buffers long ago if lockdown hadn't started and put an end to a lot of socialising.

LegacyUser

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Yeah look for future reference OP that really didn't portray you in a good light - it made you seem really petty IMHO.

Throughout this entire saga you have failed to allow her the independence that you want for yourself. You demanded that she be distraught and devastated over the breakup, which she was initially, but your behaviour subsequently - the texting, the requests to meet - have probably convinced her that you're more trouble than you're worth.

You're in your late twenties - use this experience to mature a bit more. If you break up with someone and regret it, say so. Be honest and then give them the choice of deciding whether they want to be with you again - or not.

Really? Now I feel awful. I thought by saying that it would give her a clear reason why I wanted to break contact. It wasn't meant to be petty at all, just that I didn't get the impression that she wanted to pursue things.

I'm going to message her again to clarify what I meant and apologise. I really didn't want it to come across like that. This is what I actually sent to her to give a bit of context:

"I know you regret everything that happened and I don’t doubt it at all but with everything that came before and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

I feel like such a dope. I spend ages typing and retyping what I will say to her and still mess it up.

Hannibal_Smith

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

It's ended now and so is the head wreck and the questioning. Work on moving on now.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

It's ended now and so is the head wreck and the questioning. Work on moving on now.

Thanks. Yeah I felt pretty okay up until a couple of hours ago when I read that post. I thought I had left it nicely with her, but my mind went racing thinking I messed up with my wording.

I'm not going to message her. Damage is long done and it wouldn't serve me any benefit.

While I appreciate all the advice I've gotten here, next time I think I will skip making a thread. It makes me second guess everything I've done, although it does help to get all my thoughts out.

Tork

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

OP don't message her again. And stop picking over the bones of it. It sounds like it all ended amicably and to be fair., you've done nothing wrong here, but try to get your head around things.

Agreed. I'm guilty of having played Devil's Advocate here, in order to try and see both sides. In the end, it is for the best that this ended. No matter how you slice and dice it, kissing someone else 2½ months into a relationship isn't cool. She knew it too and still does. I think most people would be upset and struggle to dismiss it as "only a kiss" that long into a relationship. That's before the cover-up started. Once the trust goes in a relationship, that's it really. I alluded to the lockdown in my previous post. I bet you'd have found it difficult to stop your mind wandering any time she went out with her friends without you around. That's what happens when you're let down like that.

Hannibal_Smith

billythekid90 wrote: »

Thanks. Yeah I felt pretty okay up until a couple of hours ago when I read that post. I thought I had left it nicely with her, but my mind went racing thinking I messed up with my wording.

I'm not going to message her. Damage is long done and it wouldn't serve me any benefit.

While I appreciate all the advice I've gotten here, next time I think I will skip making a thread. It makes me second guess everything I've done, although it does help to get all my thoughts out.

When you post in PI, you will get a variety of advice. Some will suit you and some won't, but the majority of advice here is generally given with the best of intentions. However only you know which is applicable and workable for you. You don't have to twist yourself in knots trying to follow all of it, but something generally clicks and it helps you get your thoughts in order.

Trust yourself. You know you left it nicely with her, and her response was lovely too..from my reading anyway.

If you want to leave the thread there, I can close it for you if you want, but if you'd prefer it to leave it that's no problem.

SnowyMay

billythekid90 wrote: »

Really? Now I feel awful. I thought by saying that it would give her a clear reason why I wanted to break contact. It wasn't meant to be petty at all, just that I didn't get the impression that she wanted to pursue things.

I'm going to message her again to clarify what I meant and apologise. I really didn't want it to come across like that. This is what I actually sent to her to give a bit of context:

"I know you regret everything that happened and I don’t doubt it at all but with everything that came before and that you’re not asking for forgiveness or a second chance, I think the feelings are kind of one way. I may be totally wrong, but that’s the sense I’m getting. That’s life and I can’t judge you for that."

I feel like such a dope. I spend ages typing and retyping what I will say to her and still mess it up.

I'm sorry OP, and I feel for you as you do seem genuine in your emotions, but you were talking before about dropping this girl, and then waiting for yourself to calm down before taking her back, and now that she has taken this off of the table, you believe and forgive her.

It may not have been your intention but that is a head fcuk for somebody who doesn't know what is going on in your thought process.

Try and take this as a learning experience - your ex should not be kissing guys when she is with a potential partner, but you were pretty cold to her afterwards when you were in an actual relationship. Your behaviour seemed quite controlling and calculated.

But you'll both be fine.

bitofabind

Let's zoom out here a little. OP It's clear that you struggle with your confidence and that manifests in all of these behaviours, the over-thinking, second guessing, playing games with your ex instead of being honest, looking anywhere and everywhere except to your own instincts about what's right for you.

Try to learn a lesson from this because otherwise it's going to make dating a nightmare for you. You can't control other people, but you can control your own behaviours and learning how to communicate effectively, to align your words with your actions and to create the space you need to figure out what YOU want to do about a personal situation will stand you very well in your next relationship.

Do you have hobbies? I find exercise really helpful for this perspective, specifically long walks and vigorous workouts. I also write things down in my journal when I'm looking for clarity on things, and things like mindfulness meditation and therapy also help. Pick one or two and focus on building your confidence. Girls will come and go. Don't let this scatter-brained, head-melting process become the norm for you in your relationships. It really doesn't have to be this way.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Let's zoom out here a little. OP It's clear that you struggle with your confidence and that manifests in all of these behaviours, the over-thinking, second guessing, playing games with your ex instead of being honest, looking anywhere and everywhere except to your own instincts about what's right for you.

I don't think I have any confidence issues if I'm honest! Unless you mean confidence in my own gut instinct? That may be the case this time round, but I have called off relationships in the past because I wasn't convinced they were all that interested.

Also I never intentionally played any games with my ex. I wanted to be honest despite some advice from friends to go silent and wait for her to reach out. In the end I may have been too honest about my feelings for her.

Just when I thought this was all over and done with (which it kind of its), she messaged me last night. She said she never asked for forgiveness or a second chance because she didn't think she deserved it and that I made the right decision calling things off. She had to come to terms with it very quickly and try to move on because she saw no other way.

She said she wouldn't totally write off anything happening between us in the future, but can't see it happening any time soon. She said she won't delete or block my number so that either of us can reach out at anytime if we want to, but also understands if I want to cut ties completely.

I'll consider this a write off and will politely reply wishing her all the best. I'm not going to be hanging around waiting for that future text that may never come.

I know this is a bit of a saga, but just thought I'd keep you all updated!

leggo

Another big lesson to take from this is that a break-up isn’t a device to use in an argument to express heavy dissatisfaction, nor is it something you can just row back on and the other person will play ball if they ever cared about the relationship. On the other end of that is a person who cared about you and also put time into the relationship that you’ve now effectively banished from having a relationship with you anymore. Even if they were in the wrong, people don’t respond well to that. They have to then emotionally adjust and try get over you.

I think what happened here is that your ex did just that. That doesn’t mean they never cared or anything like that, just that they adjusted to the decision YOU made. And if you expect any different things start to get into emotionally abusive territory quickly.

I’m not saying you’re to blame for this but the only way you learn and grow from these things is to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own actions. Forget about her and what she did for now, your ties are cut and you don’t have business together anymore so it doesn’t matter what she is thinking or feeling and instead look at what you yourself can learn from this by pointing the mirror inward rather than at her.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Another big lesson to take from this is that a break-up isn’t a device to use in an argument to express heavy dissatisfaction, nor is it something you can just row back on and the other person will play ball if they ever cared about the relationship. On the other end of that is a person who cared about you and also put time into the relationship that you’ve now effectively banished from having a relationship with you anymore. Even if they were in the wrong, people don’t respond well to that. They have to then emotionally adjust and try get over you.

I think what happened here is that your ex did just that. That doesn’t mean they never cared or anything like that, just that they adjusted to the decision YOU made. And if you expect any different things start to get into emotionally abusive territory quickly.

I’m not saying you’re to blame for this but the only way you learn and grow from these things is to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own actions. Forget about her and what she did for now, your ties are cut and you don’t have business together anymore so it doesn’t matter what she is thinking or feeling and instead look at what you yourself can learn from this by pointing the mirror inward rather than at her.

The breakup was supposed to be just that - a breakup. It wasn't intended to be used as a device to show how upset I was with her. It was only the days afterwards when it all sank in that I was feeling regrets.

I think I came at this from my own perspective and what I'd do in that situation. I've been dumped before and I know if my ex came back to me at the time with even an inkling of second thoughts I'd do anything to try make it work. But that's just me and my own scenario and I know everyone behaves differently.

Maybe you're right and she did really care about me, but I think the fact that she hid it all from me and then continually lied about it put me in the mindset that she only cared about saving her own skin and not about how it would effect me. Everyone has been telling me to look at her actions, not her words and I think taking the view that she just wasn't that into me will help get past this.

I have cut ties with her, but have left it open if she ever wants to contact me in the future. I told her that I wouldn't ignore her if she ever wants to reach out, but at the same time it's unlikely that I will be the one to initiate contact. Not out of malice, but just so that I'm not clinging on to something that will likely never be.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

Also I never intentionally played any games with my ex. I wanted to be honest despite some advice from friends to go silent and wait for her to reach out. In the end I may have been too honest about my feelings for her.

Actually you weren’t. In many of your posts you said that you wanted to meet to talk about getting back together. At no point did you tell her that. You just told her you wanted to meet. And she assumed she was going to be out through the ringer again. So she moved on. If she knew you wanted to get back with her, her response might have been different.

Sometimes you do have to be honest about what you want even if it ends up in rejection, in this case you’d have been no worse off as the relationship has to an end anyway.

leggo

But OP what you’re typing there is the lesson you’re disputing: you wanted to break up genuinely one day, then regretted it. The lesson is to account for that regret before you make your decision, to not make decisions based on emotions that’ll fade and change in days/weeks to come. Because that’s what’s cost you someone you like here. Some people will say stuff like “If it’s meant to be she should want you back too”, and sure, there’s some merit to that but it also completely discounts how **** it is to get broken up with and the emotions you force someone to go through when you do it.

For example, I remember years back an ex broke up with me after an argument in a relationship that had otherwise been going well. I told her at the time that I felt that it was an overreaction, that the fact she was doing it was hurting me deeply and that I wouldn’t be able to forgive what I knew she’d make me go through now if she had second thoughts (which I knew she would because it was such a rash move). Sure enough, she did. A few months later she came back and said everything I had wanted her to say in the immediate aftermath of the break up. But I wasn’t going to hear any of it because I remembered that pain she’d chosen to make me go through rather than working through things. I was MAD about this girl when we were together, that’s why it hurt so deeply when we weren’t, and I couldn’t forget that she was capable of doing that to me. The act of breaking up and causing that hurt counts a lot, I now didn’t feel safe getting back with her in case we had another argument and went through this again, and even her trying to promise me that wouldn’t happen rang hollow because emotions stick with you more than words.

I’m not even saying you did anything wrong or deliberately played a game, I fully believe that you meant the break up at first. It’s just that this is how we learn these things. So next time you’re in a relationship and you’re in a situation that upsets you, maybe remember this feeling now before you push the break-up button because all of that raw emotion fades in time.

H8GHOTI

billythekid90 wrote: »

...she hid it all from me and then continually lied about it...

Continually lied? How many times did you ask her? How long did you know about it before she admitted it?

Maybe I picked this up wrong. I was under the impression you confronted her as soon as you found out. She denied it and when you told her a friend told you, she said it was true. All in the one conversation.

You miss her now, it’s only natural. But did you ever think you might be better off without her? Meet someone else, that won’t cheat and lie.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem all over the place and don't really know what you want. You want her back, but you want her back only if she continues to be suitably at your mercy about her indiscretion. You want her back so you can be happy in a relationship, but you don't want to be too happy because you want her to be reminded that you're not happy with her.

You broke up. So that's the break. If you get back together, then you get back together with a clean slate. You get back together knowing what happened, but deciding to put it aside and move forwards. If I was her I would have zero interest in getting back with you only to be reminded regularly that you don't trust me and you want to keep reminding me that I messed up and you're being a stand up solid guy giving me a second chance to prove myself, but not wanting to let it go either because you want to make sure I know I can't get away with it...

Too much of a headwreck, OP. And if that girl was my friend I'd be advising her that this can't work. Not under those terms.

If you ask her back, you do so without pointing out to her that you don't trust her, or that she lied, or that you want her to know how much she hurt you etc etc etc. You ask her back and park that outside your relationship never to be revisited again. Or you move on. If you think you would not be capable of not reminding her every so often then just move on. You're not for each other.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem all over the place and don't really know what you want. You want her back, but you want her back only if she continues to be suitably at your mercy about her indiscretion. You want her back so you can be happy in a relationship, but you don't want to be too happy because you want her to be reminded that you're not happy with her.

I certainly don't want her to be "at my mercy about her indiscretion". I'm not even sure what you're trying to suggest here. That I would bring it up at any opportunity to keep her in line or something? If that's what it is, you're way off the mark.

And the second part of that is just a silly thing to say. I'm not happy about what she did right now, and it's definitely too soon to get back together, but I wanted to talk about it to see if things could work in the future. I wasn't expecting everything to be rosey and happen immediately.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You broke up. So that's the break. If you get back together, then you get back together with a clean slate. You get back together knowing what happened, but deciding to put it aside and move forwards. If I was her I would have zero interest in getting back with you only to be reminded regularly that you don't trust me and you want to keep reminding me that I messed up and you're being a stand up solid guy giving me a second chance to prove myself, but not wanting to let it go either because you want to make sure I know I can't get away with it...

Too much of a headwreck, OP. And if that girl was my friend I'd be advising her that this can't work. Not under those terms.

Where is all this vitriol coming from? Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

There'd be absolutely no point in us getting back together if I didn't trust her. At the moment the forgiveness isn't there because it's all still fresh in my mind. Maybe in time things will change, but I can't predict the future.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you ask her back, you do so without pointing out to her that you don't trust her, or that she lied, or that you want her to know how much she hurt you etc etc etc. You ask her back and park that outside your relationship never to be revisited again. Or you move on. If you think you would not be capable of not reminding her every so often then just move on. You're not for each other.

Maybe I miscommunicated something seeing as how everything is being phrased here. I never intended to jump straight back into the relationship. I even said that I wanted to meet her a few times first to see if there's potential for trust to be regained as my head has been spinning with all that's been going on.

Right now the trust isn't there and that's why I've cut ties, maybe for good, who knows.

osarusan

OP, Some, advice I can give you is to consider that the way you went about getting her back was through a series of communications that have been interpreted by almost every poster on here in a way that is very different from how you apparently meant them to be interpreted. I would bear that in mind in future.

Big Bag of Chips

billythekid90 wrote: »

Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

Here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I want to make the point to her that this is a big deal but not such a big deal that we can't work through this in time. At the same time I don't want to reach out to her first because I feel that would make me weak and make it seem that I accept that she can lie and get away with it.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I said to her that she lied and truly hurt me and that I won't forget it.

I don't know where to go from here. I told her that she should be truthful with herself as to why it happened and try to get herself back on track.

I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

my worry is that she won't see lying as a big deal if I'm going back to her and asking to give it another go.

And kind of with this

billythekid90 wrote: »

What I want is to be in a trusting relationship with her. Being in a relationship is the easy part. Trusting her is much more difficult.

And here

billythekid90 wrote: »

I think the phrase "forgive but not forget" needs to come into play for a short while at least. I don't think I will let it go completely until I feel the trust is there again.

I think her last text to you was a soft good-bye. It's the equivalent of "we can still be friends". She doesn't want to get back with you. She knows it's not going to be good. She knows you can't get over the fact that she kissed a fella and didn't admit to it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where you can "forgive but not forget" Nobody expects you to completely forget it ever happened, but by using that phrase it means that you will always have it in your mind. Not that you'll move on and not think about it regularly. So rather than tell you she doesn't want to be with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be with you now, but maybe in the future. The future will never come. Either she'll meet someone else or you will and this relationship will be bye-gones.

Your communication needs a bit of work. From what you posted yourself you wanted to be with her, but you didn't want her "getting away" with lying and thinking it wasn't a big deal.

Nobody is going to get back into a relationship with that hanging in the air.

ILoveYourVibes

You need to be friends first and talk it out maturely. None of this hide and seek on social media.

StringerBell

It's over, you take from it what you can use and cut away the rest.

From the very beginning she seemed quite content to leave things as they are, whether that is because it's what she was feeling the relationship was headed for anyway or whether the circumstances, or time to think and talk it over with friends led her to that conclusion I don't know.

I feel for you as I'm sure everyone here does and you will be okay, you will be great in fact. The key is to learn from the experience, you say you don't have much of it with relationships and everybody makes mistakes, she made at least two mistakes here both pretty big and you made one initially which was emotionally react without letting it sit for a few days before making big decisions. I think you've made other mistakes since but not going to give you a hard time for them. It's all a learning process.

I'd advise not contacting the woman in question again and not responding to any throwaway messages she may send in the near to medium future but you are obviously free to do as you wish. Unfollow her on social media also, it will only drag out the moving on process.

Best of luck, you will be great don't worry.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

I certainly don't want her to be "at my mercy about her indiscretion". I'm not even sure what you're trying to suggest here. That I would bring it up at any opportunity to keep her in line or something? If that's what it is, you're way off the mark.

And the second part of that is just a silly thing to say. I'm not happy about what she did right now, and it's definitely too soon to get back together, but I wanted to talk about it to see if things could work in the future. I wasn't expecting everything to be rosey and happen immediately.

It's not really how real life happens. You don't get to meet up with her several times to see if you're interested in getting back together. You either are or you aren't. If you are, you get back together and at the start it might be a bit awkward, but spending time together eases that. Hanging out together but not being in a relationship is a no mans land.

billythekid90 wrote: »

Where is all this vitriol coming from? Obviously I would have to put it aside and forgive her. I never said otherwise. Why do you think I would be reminding her of what happened all the time? Where did I say that?

There'd be absolutely no point in us getting back together if I didn't trust her. At the moment the forgiveness isn't there because it's all still fresh in my mind. Maybe in time things will change, but I can't predict the future.

Actually you said on here and I can't be bothered to go back and quote the post that you would 'forgive but not forget'. If you go in with that mindset, you are looking for something to pick on, looking for something to criticise, whether you agree with it or not.

Things won't change because she's decided you're not worth the hassle. You were behaving all along like this was your sole decision. It's not. She gets a say in it too. She has decided she doesn't want to get back with you. You should heed what people are telling you here and learn from it.

billythekid90 wrote: »

Maybe I miscommunicated something seeing as how everything is being phrased here. I never intended to jump straight back into the relationship. I even said that I wanted to meet her a few times first to see if there's potential for trust to be regained as my head has been spinning with all that's been going on.

Right now the trust isn't there and that's why I've cut ties, maybe for good, who knows.

There was very little going on. She kissed someone when it wasn't clear whether you were in a relationship or not. You found out by some manner or other. She apologised for it. That's all that happened.

You never told her if you wanted to meet her a few times. You just told her you wanted to meet. What you communicated here was vastly different to what you told her. Also, the idea of meeting her a few times is just non committal. You're either going to give her a chance or you're not. She sensed that and ran for the hills.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Here

And here

And here

And kind of with this

And here

I think her last text to you was a soft good-bye. It's the equivalent of "we can still be friends". She doesn't want to get back with you. She knows it's not going to be good. She knows you can't get over the fact that she kissed a fella and didn't admit to it. She doesn't want to be in a relationship where you can "forgive but not forget" Nobody expects you to completely forget it ever happened, but by using that phrase it means that you will always have it in your mind. Not that you'll move on and not think about it regularly. So rather than tell you she doesn't want to be with you, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be with you now, but maybe in the future. The future will never come. Either she'll meet someone else or you will and this relationship will be bye-gones.

Your communication needs a bit of work. From what you posted yourself you wanted to be with her, but you didn't want her "getting away" with lying and thinking it wasn't a big deal.

Nobody is going to get back into a relationship with that hanging in the air.

Sorry sorry sorry. Definite misunderstanding here! Clearly my communication does need work, on this forum here at least.

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.

StringerBell wrote: »

It's over, you take from it what you can use and cut away the rest.

From the very beginning she seemed quite content to leave things as they are, whether that is because it's what she was feeling the relationship was headed for anyway or whether the circumstances, or time to think and talk it over with friends led her to that conclusion I don't know.

I feel for you as I'm sure everyone here does and you will be okay, you will be great in fact. The key is to learn from the experience, you say you don't have much of it with relationships and everybody makes mistakes, she made at least two mistakes here both pretty big and you made one initially which was emotionally react without letting it sit for a few days before making big decisions. I think you've made other mistakes since but not going to give you a hard time for them. It's all a learning process.

I'd advise not contacting the woman in question again and not responding to any throwaway messages she may send in the near to medium future but you are obviously free to do as you wish. Unfollow her on social media also, it will only drag out the moving on process.

Best of luck, you will be great don't worry.

Thanks for the kind words. Yes it seemed like she was happy to let this go. I can respect that but I can struggle with separating the words from the actions at times. When she said she really wanted to be with me I took that as fact but the behaviour said otherwise and I only realised afterwards.

I've said my final goodbyes to her, said I won't be reaching out and I've blocked her on social media. It all seems like a big ordeal now but I'm hoping in even a month's time of zero contact she'll only be a momentary thought in my day and I can fully move on.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, OP, we'll talk in hypotheticals seeing as that what seems to be going on here.

Just say, you decided you wanted to get back with her. Just not yet. You don't want to get back with her too quickly and let her think she got away with kissing a fella and not telling you/denying it. So, what...? You meet up with her a few times while she's still "on the naughty step". You assess whether or not you can forgive, forget, move on, trust her, whatever.

So his long does this assessment last? A month? 2?

But you're definitely not a couple at this point because you haven't decided if you're going to actually take her back yet. That will depend on whether she proves herself to you and proves you can trust her. But you're not a couple.

So, just say, in this situation, in this limbo/assessment period, she goes on a night out with her friends, as a single woman, not in a relationship with you, not guaranteed that you will ever get back together, and some fella chats her up. Would it be OK for her to kiss him? Sleep with him? Would she have to tell you she did? Would you expect her to tell you so that you know you can trust her to tell the truth? Or would you think in this period where you're not actually going out together, you're not even sure if you'll decide you want to get back with her, that she should not be with anyone else in an effort to prove to you (who may decide in the end not "forgive and forget" anyway) that you can actually trust her? Or would it be OK for her to be with someone and never tell you?

As rainbowtrout says, that's not how real life happens. If you're together, you're together. If you're broken up, it's over. You cannot ask her to wait around for an indeterminate length of time while you try figure out if you can forgive her, or if she has served enough "penance" to be allowed off that naughty step.

She knows what you are proposing isn't workable. It's a relatively short relationship and causing an awful lot of hassle. She has decided it's better for both of you to just draw a line and walk away. She's letting you down gently. If she wanted to be with you she would have said that. Instead she kicked the can down the road with a "maybe".

I know this is all irrelevant now as it appears the relationship is over, definitely. But maybe learn from this for future relationships. Deal in the here and now. Not in the uncertain future.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

What more was there to talk about? She kissed someone, you found out, she apologized. What more were you going to get out of it by picking over it again? She hit the nail on the head when she said she wasn't going to beg for your forgiveness, she had worked out that was what you were looking for, and you said it yourself in one of your earlier posts that she hadn't asked for forgiveness.

And how long were you going to continue with these chats to talk it out and keep her in limbo? She's apologised, how many more times can she say it?

billythekid90 wrote: »

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

For how long? She was never going to stick around while you expected her to jump through hoops. You might think differently but BBoC hit the nail on the head when she said you had her on the naughty step. You are more concerned with wallowing in self pity.

Like for instance, you meet up with her this week and talk, how does it go after that? 'Let's meet next week, don't trust you fully yet, but I expect you to give up your time to spend with me, not be in a relationship with me, and I might or might not forgive you, by the way I reserve the right to be pissed off if you kiss someone else in the meantime while we are not in a relationship'? Is that how you see it?

billythekid90 wrote: »

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.

Because if she was interested in salvaging this relationship she would have jumped at the chance of meeting you. You said yourself that she took days to respond. Those are not the actions of someone who wants to get back together.

She saw that the writing was on the wall, that she would have to jump through hoops so she bailed out.




Honestly OP, I'd have a lot of sympathy for people who post on here that have been cheated on. In this case, the cheating aspect was ambiguous, but I think this time you have brought most of this situation on yourself.

Piehead

billythekid90 wrote: »

Sorry sorry sorry. Definite misunderstanding here! Clearly my communication does need work, on this forum here at least.

All those statements were intended before getting back together, not while I'm (hypothetically) with her. That's why I said "I want to keep in touch but don't want to seem like I've forgotten about or forgiven what she's done". I wanted to talk through things and see where her head was at while still being apart. It wasn't as though I wanted to get back with her straight away without trust being there. That would be horrible for both of us.

I also said about the "forgive and not forget" thing being around for a short while (i.e. before getting back together) - not forever. I don't think it's unreasonable to try and digest things first before trusting her, no?

Also you seem to be presenting a lot of assumptions as fact like shes actually telling me "she doesn't want to be with you". Your interpretation could very well be true but no one knows what she really means by what she says, only her. And just to add I never said any of those things to her so I don't know why she would perceive me that way, unless she reads this thread.



Thanks for the kind words. Yes it seemed like she was happy to let this go. I can respect that but I can struggle with separating the words from the actions at times. When she said she really wanted to be with me I took that as fact but the behaviour said otherwise and I only realised afterwards.

I've said my final goodbyes to her, said I won't be reaching out and I've blocked her on social media. It all seems like a big ordeal now but I'm hoping in even a month's time of zero contact she'll only be a momentary thought in my day and I can fully move on.

Has all your communication with her been by text/instagram etc? Did you actually call her ? If not sure all this could have been avoided

leggo

OP you’re getting a lot of sense thrown at you here, but it’d be easy to take it as people saying you’re to blame for this (I think some even outright said it). To add balance, I don’t think that you are. I think most, if not all, can sympathise with your situation and are approaching it from a standpoint of trying to help you handle it better. There’s every chance that this girl is a melt who’s contributing to your erratic behaviour by giving you just enough to keep chasing but also plausible deniability for herself. The fact that she was off kissing other guys after you were dating suggests she can have these tendencies.

So please don’t take the feedback you’re getting (which is solid) as an attack and as if everyone is painting her in this shining light. It’s just that it’s not her we can talk to.

Big Bag of Chips

I think where you went wrong was reading nonsense about how you're supposed to react, rather than thinking about how you actually feel and what you actually want. Ending a relationship can be a confusing time, and often feelings aren't clear and people don't really know what they want at the time. But the only person who can figure that out for you is you.

Playing a game of "I'll get back with you just not yet" will never work. Because anyone with an ounce of self respect will not hang around for that. If she did hang around, waiting for you to decide that she'd served enough time and understood the consequences of not being fully truthful, you would be getting dangerously close to a controlling relationship where you coerce her into toeing the line for fear of upsetting you and being sent to purgatory again.

You're inexperienced in dating. You are unsure and made a mistake in the handling of this. But we all make mistakes. We all have at least one disastrous relationship/breakup under our belts, but hopefully we learn in the process and move on a bit wiser.

padser

Hi OP,

Coming at this thread, so went through it all. I have the perspective of someone who read through 2 weeks of activity in

From very early on in the thread I realized she has no intention of ever meeting up and reconciling. My guess is that you found out about the cheating because she wanted you to. She decided she wanted to end the relationship and rather than ending it, she engineered a situation where you ended it because of her cheating.

You didnt make any missteps along the way, there wasnt really any way out from you after the initial break up - as it's what she wanted.

No option but to move on

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OK, OP, we'll talk in hypotheticals seeing as that what seems to be going on here.

Just say, you decided you wanted to get back with her. Just not yet. You don't want to get back with her too quickly and let her think she got away with kissing a fella and not telling you/denying it. So, what...? You meet up with her a few times while she's still "on the naughty step". You assess whether or not you can forgive, forget, move on, trust her, whatever......

.....She knows what you are proposing isn't workable. It's a relatively short relationship and causing an awful lot of hassle. She has decided it's better for both of you to just draw a line and walk away. She's letting you down gently. If she wanted to be with you she would have said that. Instead she kicked the can down the road with a "maybe".

Yes, once we broke up, we were broken up. I wasn't saying that she was to be kept in some sort of limbo until I made a decision. That's crazy and totally unfair to her. I have since seen her on Tinder and while it was a bit upsetting to see her moving on, I can understand. Sure I was on it too. Not with a serious intention to date mind you, but it was nice to chat to one or two girls. It's strange not having her around, being able to message her and talk about your day and I guess I'm trying to fill that void.

Also I didn't actually propose anything to her, only to meet and chat.

I think what this all came down to was that I had doubts over the breakup and missed her. I couldn't bring myself to actually get back with her (not that she would want to) because I still have those doubts, but wanted to keep in contact to see if I could get over everything that happened. Plus the last time we spoke face to face was the actual breakup which wasn't that pretty.

I realise now that the best thing to do is a clean break, otherwise it's just something that will keep dragging on for both of us.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

What more was there to talk about? She kissed someone, you found out, she apologized. What more were you going to get out of it by picking over it again? She hit the nail on the head when she said she wasn't going to beg for your forgiveness, she had worked out that was what you were looking for, and you said it yourself in one of your earlier posts that she hadn't asked for forgiveness....

....For how long? She was never going to stick around while you expected her to jump through hoops. You might think differently but BBoC hit the nail on the head when she said you had her on the naughty step. You are more concerned with wallowing in self pity...

...Honestly OP, I'd have a lot of sympathy for people who post on here that have been cheated on. In this case, the cheating aspect was ambiguous, but I think this time you have brought most of this situation on yourself.

You're right, there wasn't anything more to talk about. But I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust. Not sure how that would have played out in reality but now I realise a clean break is the only way to put this all behind me.

I'm not sure how you're gleaning her views on the situation from my posts. 99% of what I said here hasn't been said to her. And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

I find it very harsh for you to say I brought this situation on myself. She lied about a possible infidelity. It wasn't even the 'ambiguous' cheating that I had a problem with. I probably could have gotten over it pretty quickly if she owned up to it when asked, but when your girlfriend lies to your face about kissing other guys I don't think it bodes well. Relationships are built on trust and it was broken that day. Are you saying I shouldn't have ended it, thus not bringing this situation upon myself?

Piehead - I never called her. When I texted her asking to talk she said that she wasn't in the right frame of mind now which just meant she didn't want to prolong this breakup anymore.

And leggo and padser, thanks for your posts. I appreciate the support.

Anyway, all of this is a bit irrelevant now because I've cut all ties. I won't be reaching out to her or even look at her social media. Though I'll be honest and say that in the unlikely event she messages me in the future I will probably reply. I'm not holding out for some sort of reconciliation, it's just that I'm incapable of ignoring someone. Not in my nature.

osarusan

billythekid90 wrote: »

And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

Did you not send her a message saying you thought it was strange she hadn't looked for forgiveness and a second chance, or words to that effect?

You are steadfast in your position that you were never playing games or looking for her to jump through hoops, but nevertheless, various posters on here have interpreted your posts on here and messages to her in that way, and there is obviously the possibility that she interpreted them the same way also.

You say that you were never sure you wanted her back, but the title of the thread says the opposite.

TBH I think you have never been clear in your mind what you wanted, and your posts here and communication with her have reflected that confusion.

rainbowtrout

billythekid90 wrote: »

Yes, once we broke up, we were broken up. I wasn't saying that she was to be kept in some sort of limbo until I made a decision. That's crazy and totally unfair to her. I have since seen her on Tinder and while it was a bit upsetting to see her moving on, I can understand. Sure I was on it too. Not with a serious intention to date mind you, but it was nice to chat to one or two girls. It's strange not having her around, being able to message her and talk about your day and I guess I'm trying to fill that void.

Also I didn't actually propose anything to her, only to meet and chat.

I think what this all came down to was that I had doubts over the breakup and missed her. I couldn't bring myself to actually get back with her (not that she would want to) because I still have those doubts, but wanted to keep in contact to see if I could get over everything that happened. Plus the last time we spoke face to face was the actual breakup which wasn't that pretty.

I realise now that the best thing to do is a clean break, otherwise it's just something that will keep dragging on for both of us.



You're right, there wasn't anything more to talk about. But I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust. Not sure how that would have played out in reality but now I realise a clean break is the only way to put this all behind me.

I'm not sure how you're gleaning her views on the situation from my posts. 99% of what I said here hasn't been said to her. And I can't see how she somehow worked out that I was looking for her to ask for forgiveness. All I asked her was to meet for a chat! There were no hoops presented for her to jump. I even said to her that I didn't want there to be any bad blood between us, but this wasn't conditional on anything.

I find it very harsh for you to say I brought this situation on myself. She lied about a possible infidelity. It wasn't even the 'ambiguous' cheating that I had a problem with. I probably could have gotten over it pretty quickly if she owned up to it when asked, but when your girlfriend lies to your face about kissing other guys I don't think it bodes well. Relationships are built on trust and it was broken that day. Are you saying I shouldn't have ended it, thus not bringing this situation upon myself?

.

If the situation was ambiguous and you weren’t official as a couple then it wouldn’t have been cheating and she was under no obligation to tell you that she kissed anyone else. Obviously when it came up, she could see that you were bothered by it even though she might not have been in the wrong. In that instance it was easier to lie.

I’m not condoning her actions but if you were not officially a couple you can’t turn around and be annoyed about her kissing someone else when you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. She may have cheated and you can’t confirm that 100% but you can’t move goalposts either.

Even now you are saying you are upsetting by seeing her on Tinder and that she’s moving on but in the same sentence you are saying you are on it too but for you it’s not with the serious intention to date, only to chat to girls. Even now you are holding her to a different standard than you hold yourself. Maybe she’s not on it with the intention to date, maybe she’s only on it with the intention to chat and is upset by seeing you on it.

You asked her to meet for a chat. Only you didn’t tell her why. From her point of view there are only two outcomes to that chat. You suggest getting back together or you have another go at her for her actions. You didn’t indicate clearly to her that you would like to talk it out and see if there was a future for the two of you. So when you don’t do that she is going to assume it’s the other. So again, why would she bring that hassle on herself. She had nothing to gain from it.

You didn’t communicate clearly to her what you wanted. ‘hi Mary, I was wondering if we could meet up and talk. I was a bit rash in my actions last week and I want to see if we can resolve our issues and see if there is a future for us’ would have been crystal clear and if she said no then you would know exactly where you stood. Instead you sent a text ‘can we meet for a chat?’ It’s non committal and not communicating anything to here. That’s why I said you brought some of this on yourself. You didn’t go kissing anyone, you did instigate the break up and when you wanted her back you didn’t tell her that. She can only work with the information she has in front of her.

Remember you words in your opening post were in don’t want to look weak’.