Broke up with girlfriend but now I want her back

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

Did you not send her a message saying you thought it was strange she hadn't looked for forgiveness and a second chance, or words to that effect?

You are steadfast in your position that you were never playing games or looking for her to jump through hoops, but nevertheless, various posters on here have interpreted your posts on here and messages to her in that way, and there is obviously the possibility that she interpreted them the same way also.

You say that you were never sure you wanted her back, but the title of the thread says the opposite.

TBH I think you have never been clear in your mind what you wanted, and your posts here and communication with her have reflected that confusion.

Yes I said something like that following the comments I was getting here. I honestly didn't see that as any game or looking for her to jump through hoops at the time. It was just a statement I made to her because a lot of people here were saying the same thing. I felt bad about sending it afterwards because it may have been misinterpreted.

And I 100% want her back but it was only when I fully trusted her.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

...I’m not condoning her actions but if you were not officially a couple you can’t turn around and be annoyed about her kissing someone else when you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. She may have cheated and you can’t confirm that 100% but you can’t move goalposts either. ...

...Even now you are holding her to a different standard than you hold yourself. Maybe she’s not on it with the intention to date, maybe she’s only on it with the intention to chat and is upset by seeing you on it.

...You didn’t indicate clearly to her that you would like to talk it out and see if there was a future for the two of you....

You didn’t communicate clearly to her what you wanted....

Remember you words in your opening post were in don’t want to look weak’.

Again, it was less about the 'cheating' and more about the lying. I went into the conversation with her knowing what had happened with no intention of breaking up because I thought she would just own up to it straight away and we could just talk it through. But to see her throw all those lies at me so easily and convincingly I felt like I had to break up in the moment.

I don't see how I'm holding her to a different standard regarding Tinder. We're both on it to move on. I just said I'm not intending to date. I never said anything about her dating or not. I don't know what she's doing on Tinder and it's none of my business.

I probably should have given an explanation to her why I wanted to talk, but I didn't know how to put it into words. In my own mind it was to keep the lines of communication open, but saying it was to see if there's ever hope of a future may have been the better way to approach it.

I admit I didn't want to look weak. I was taking advice from friends saying that I would look a bit 'desperate' reaching out like that, or that she would see lying as not a big deal if I was to come back looking for reconciliation so quickly. Like I said before, I was listening to advice from all sides - friends, websites, these forums, and I ended up with a mish mash of stuff that didn't really send any clear message. I'll accept the blame for that.

qwerty13

I don’t think you deliberately had bad intentions towards her. However, it really came across in your posts as though you’d ‘consider’ taking her back if she was contrite enough. Pretty much if she begged for forgiveness, and knew she was on a trial period, and proved herself to you. You may not have explicitly said those things directly to her, but considering how very loud and clear your posts were about that, I highly doubt that she was unaware of it.

I still find it hard to know if you were exclusive, if you’d had ‘the chat’ in that regard, or if she was in dodgy territory there. But if you want any future with someone, you cannot put them on trial and sit on high waiting to dispense your approval/forgiveness. That is quite controlling, and no basis for a relationship. I suspect that she saw this, and wanted no part of it.

Again, I don’t think you had bad intentions towards her. I’m still not sure if she cheated or not. But most of the mess comes down to me being rooted in terrible communication: you didn’t ‘have the chat’ early days re exclusivity. You couldn’t tell her that wanted her back in case you looked weak. You couldn’t tell her that you wanted to meet to try to resolve things. Maybe you were just not compatible, but I think you need to grow and learn from this relationship about the importance of communication

Faith

billythekid90 wrote: »

And I 100% want her back but it was only when I fully trusted her.

Trust has to be earned, as you know. But you seem to think that hanging out a few times as friends would have allowed her to earn that trust back, which is flawed thinking. If you're friends with no romantic element, then she's free to date or shag whomever she wants.

How would she be earning your trust if she's not monogamous with you?

Although I don't think you can see it, you were looking to have your cake and eat it too. You wanted her in your life, on your terms, so you could decide if you were willing to give her a second chance. Where are her needs in all of this? You don't seem to have considered that give and take is required. What were you proposing to give her in the period where you were deciding if you'd have her back?

You wanted her to demonstrate that she could trust you, to essentially woo you back into a relationship, without any guarantee that you'd ultimately decide to take her back. You say "I had this idea in my head that keeping in contact with her would somehow help me rebuild trust" - how would it? It was romantic infidelity - how can you rebuild trust when you've ended the romantic side?

At the end of the day, we all take chances when we start new relationships. We never absolutely know that we can trust another person 100%. You have to be willing to take a risk to open yourself up to another person, and that's the same whether it's starting a new relationship or rebuilding one with someone who has broken your trust. If you were waiting until you felt 100% trust in her, without a romantic relationship, you'd have been waiting a mighty long time and she may well have met someone else in that time too.

TheadoreT

Form all your posts it sounds like she wasnt that into this. Whatever about the blurred lines of whether you were exclusive or not, if after 2.5 months she's out kissing other lads it's never the best sign, I dont think someone who's mad about you would behave in this manner regardless of offical label of relationship

Also all your communications since would point at you doing her a favour by breaking up and maybe she was thinking of doing so herself. Someone who is in love generally doesnt respect the boundaries of a breakup and usually manifests itself in quick regret and texts/calls ect. She didnt text you at all until you did. She hasn't displayed one bit of interest about getting back together or meeting up. She's moved on and probably had long before the actual break.
Your instincts in breaking up with her were probably correct and I'm guessing it wasn't solely based on the kiss if you were being fully honest here. Let her go now and move on with your life.

Tork

TheadoreT wrote: »

Form all your posts it sounds like she wasn't that into this. Whatever about the blurred lines of whether you were exclusive or not, if after 2.5 months she's out kissing other lads it's never the best sign, I don't think someone who's mad about you would behave in this manner regardless of offical label of relationship .

^^This. When you described it as being "early in the relationship" I assumed it had happened within a few weeks of you starting to see each other. 2½ months in is another matter entirely. Even if you hadn't had a clear discussion (communication?) about where you stood with each other, I'm sure she knew where she was at. At that same point, would you have been up for kissing someone else? The impression I get is that she wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were and that she was happy to move on.

I think if you're to learn anything from this, it's to trust your own instincts and not analyse things to death. You now know that when it comes to something like this, everyone has their own opinion and they can't all be right. What your gut was telling you is the right answer for you. The feeling I get from what you wrote here is that this relationship was doomed anyway. It's hard to come back from the place you found yourself in - being the receiving end of a series of lies. From the tone of what you wrote here, I don't think you'd ever have managed to fully put this behind.

Irishman80

Just came across this thread. You're way overthinking this.

At minimum, she is a cheater and a liar. Your initial gut reaction to break-up with her and cut all contact was correct. Trust your instinct.

She's no good. Ignore her and never reply to any message she ever sends you again. You'll have a much better life without people like her in it.

Have some self-respect and build your confidence.