Tall tales, urban legends and spoofers

B.A._Baracus

Inspired by something I read on another thread. What are the biggest tales, urban legends or spoofers you've heard of / known?

Urban Legend:
One that I heard dozens of times was the African woman leaving the buggy at the bus stop because the bus was full and she could easily get another one off the social welfare. Found taxi drivers to be the most to spread this. So much so that after I heard one to many times I said it was all garbage to one certain taxi driver. To which he sworn blindly it genuinely happened to 'his mate' :pac:
You don't hear it much these days tho.

Spoofers:
Worked with a guy a couple of years ago and the amount of lies out of him was something else
They were all lifted from TV shows or movies. Usually sitcoms tho. The one that made me cop on early enough was directly lifted from Only fools and horses. A lot of "well this happened to my mate one time" - yeah your mate wouldn't be del boy would he? Lol.

Misc:
I have to add that any lazy git I've met over the years have all had bad backs :pac:

Care to add?

Leg End Reject

A child goes missing in the supermarket, they're found in the toilets where someone is changing their clothes and cutting their hair. The kidnapper invariably drives a white van.

Earthhorse

Something about a dog, a birthday and Pedigree Chum.

Leg End Reject

Earthhorse wrote: »

Something about a dog, a birthday and Pedigree Chum.

And lady parts!

unhappys10

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Inspired by something I read on another thread. What are the biggest tales, urban legends or spoofers you've heard of / known?

Urban Legend:
One that I heard dozens of times was the African woman leaving the buggy at the bus stop because the bus was full and she could easily get another one off the social welfare. Found taxi drivers to be the most to spread this. So much so that after I heard one to many times I said it was all garbage to one certain taxi driver. To which he sworn blindly it genuinely happened to 'his mate' :pac:
You don't hear it much these days tho.

Would you believe I worked in a social welfare office one Summer in college and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that certain groups were getting.

One woman from Africa was in one day, she had no English supposedly, a translator was there for her. Turns out she had 8 kids and wasn't long in the country, no father on the scene.
We worked out that she would be getting over 3k a month from various sources such as her payment, children's benefit, rent allowance, fuel allowance, single mother, there was other stuff but I wouldn't have believed it only for I was there.

On a Thursday each week there was someone there for emergencies, if you were badly stuck you'd get money. Same people in each week, needed money for "nappies, buggies, child seats" etc etc.

If people actually knew half the crap that is given out there'd be uproar.

So some truth to that story above wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Treppen

Friend in the CIA (or a Muslim) says there is going to be an incident in the city this weekend so avoid going in.

There's a funny version of this on Curb your enthusiasm.

B.A._Baracus

unhappys10 wrote: »

Would you believe I worked in a social welfare office one Summer in college and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that certain groups were getting.

One woman from Africa was in one day, she had no English supposedly, a translator was there for her. Turns out she had 8 kids and wasn't long in the country, no father on the scene.
We worked out that she would be getting over 3k a month from various sources such as her payment, children's benefit, rent allowance, fuel allowance, single mother, there was other stuff but I wouldn't have believed it only for I was there.

On a Thursday each week there was someone there for emergencies, if you were badly stuck you'd get money. Same people in each week, needed money for "nappies, buggies, child seats" etc etc.

If people actually knew half the crap that is given out there'd be uproar.

So some truth to that story above wouldn't surprise me in the least.

Ah I know what you are saying. The stuff that goes on is unreal. A lot of people live in their bubble and cannot believe Shi* like that happens.

With the whole African buggy thing tho... I've lost count how many times I've heard it. All originating from a friend, or a friend of a friend, or nephew, niece etc. If it was a true story there would had to of been 10 thousand people waiting for a bus at that bus stop :pac:

Gregor Samsa

Not sure if you're referring to me or not in the other thread (a couple of other posters directly accused me of spoofing), but anyway, it's the internet and all we have is anecdotes that we can take or leave.

I had a mate in my teens who would regularly just make up stories for no good reason. Not even to impress, just random things that came into his head that weren't true. He started going out with a girl, and for some reason he casually told her that his father was dead (he was very much alive). She immediately responded with "Oh, so is mine!". For months, he was pretending that his dad was dead, and he pleaded with us not to let on that he wasn't. She called down to his house one day, and his dad answered the door. When confronted about it, he claimed that it was actually his uncle. Eventually the web of lies got too much, and he had to admit to her that his dad wasn't dead at all. She took it surprisingly well, and we all have a good laugh about it after.

Your Face

The one where there is someone living in the attic for years unbeknownst to the homeowners.

For Forks Sake

Larry Murphy has been resident in every town and village in the country at this stage if you believed idiots on Facebook

Church on Tuesday

Your Face wrote: »

The one where there is someone living in the attic for years unbeknownst to the homeowners.

JohnnyFlash

Wrong hole woman.

Wibbs

One more rural legend I used to hear quite a bit when I went fishing all over Ireland(and some beyond) with my dad when I was a kid and later on was that were was often some local lake that was considered "bottomless"(or a layer of mud at the bottom that would drag you down) and full of huge eels, often with a side story of divers went in there once y'know and the size of the eels they saw frightened them. Sometimes eels were replaced by giant pike. Haunted fields were another one. Often attached to the Famine in the narrative.

unhappys10

Wibbs wrote: »

One more rural legend I used to hear quite a bit when I went fishing all over Ireland(and some beyond) with my dad when I was a kid and later on was that were was often some local lake that was considered "bottomless"(or a layer of mud at the bottom that would drag you down) and full of huge eels, often with a side story of divers went in there once y'know and the size of the eels they saw frightened them. Sometimes eels were replaced by giant pike. Haunted fields were another one. Often attached to the Famine in the narrative.

Yeh there's a bottomless pond 5 mins from where I grew up

Leg End Reject

I'm sure I've posted this before - a woman has a pet snake that lies on her bed, the snake lies lengthways beside her.

The woman assumes this is affection and casually mentions it to her vet. Her panic-stricken vet explains that the snake is checking whether he/she is long enough to swallow the woman whole.

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

Bono and Bruce Springsteen in the restaurant.

Say Your Number

Duffy the Vampire Slayer wrote: »

Bono and Bruce Springsteen in the restaurant.

Didn't that originate on this site?

There's one that if you meet a badger he'll bite your leg until he hears a snap and breaking a twig can get him to leave, I met a badger on a country road a while ago and it ran into the ditch when it saw me.

Greta_Funberg

The American tourist commenting on the "athletes" wearing tracksuits, when they came to Dublin.

The American tourist commenting on how "lucky" it was that <castle> was built next to a road, when visiting <castle>.

The American tourist believing utterly a story about leprechauns told by a "legend" who relays the story of it all, to the pub. He's usually in said pub at opening time and is drunk at least twice a day. Nobody's sure where he works in the time to spin yarn for yanks.

El_Duderino 09

The one where the woman goes to Amsterdam for a weekend and has a fling with a bloke. She was supposed to meet him on the last night of her holiday but couldn't make it.

When she gets home she developes a rash on her lips (mouth/vagina depending on the storyteller). The doctor tells her it's something you get from touching rotting corpses and she realises her fling in Amsterdam was murdering women and having sex with the corpses, and if she had gone on the date on her last night...

El_Duderino 09

Also the game of darts was invented by the Earl of Dartmouth (nod to James O'Brien for inventing that fact)

joeguevara

I love the one about having a pet snake and at the vet the person said 'im really worried as they haven't eaten in weeks but it is adorable as every night it will slither up and lie out straight beside me' and the vet replies 'they are measuring you up to eat you'.

Just realised Leg End Reject had just posted this exact same one.

There was a rich libertarian with a young trophy wife across the pond, he relocated to Frankfurt and started bemoaning the lack of sartorial elegance among townies in Ireland. The dream sequence is still ongoing, unfortunately he wakes up obese and middle-aged in a dilapidated halfway.

CrankyHaus

Jimi Hendrix being asked how it feels to be the best guitarist in the world and answering "I don't know, you'll have to ask Rory Gallagher".

I think I was hearing this one before the Internet was a big thing too, as if it spread by pure word of mouth, usually from someone's big brother who played the guitar and smoked too much hash.

In a similar vein; "Prince getting his lower ribs removed to give himself blowies" sometimes with Marilyn Manson substituted for Prince.

I'd say half the country has been congratulated on the quality of their English when they went to the States by now. I've even heard that one on the TV (I think someone spoofing on the late-late).

joeguevara

CrankyHaus wrote: »

Jimi Hendrix being asked how it feels to be the best guitarist in the world and answering "I don't know, you'll have to ask Rory Gallagher".

Zidane was asked 'what is it like to be the best midfielder in the world' and responded 'you should ask paul scholes'. That did happen and not an urban legend.

Gregor Samsa

The "man hides in the back seat of a woman's car while she's in paying for petrol. Then he jumps out and attacks her as she's driving along" urban legend.

Until it actually happened: https://www.kiro7.com/news/screaming-woman-scares-away-man-hiding-back-seat/81835845/

and again: https://www.mlive.com/news/saginaw-bay-city/2018/12/man-hides-in-womans-vehicle-at-gas-station-then-assaults-her-police-say.html

foxy farmer

On the subject of eels I was witness to a full-blown argument one day between a distant cousin of mine and his relations about eels and how they are related to horses.!!
I had been cleaning drains on the farm and had come across an amount of eels. He said that eels could always be found anywhere horses had been common.
He spun this yarn about pulling a hair from a horses mane taking it to a stream and carefully putting a stone down on the hair in the running water. After a number of days(can't remember how long) when he came back there was an eel pinned under the very same stone wriggling to get free. We laughed. He got highly insulted. Things got heated.
I remembered from national school learning about the life cycle of the eel. They spawned out in the Sargasso Sea off the coast of florida they grew and headed for Europe and freshwater. After a spell they left the freshwater and returned to the Sargasso sea to spawn and die. Yer man was having none of it. Sure isn't the root of a horse hair the same shape as the head of an eel he said. He got up an walked out. We were shocked that someone could believe something so ridiculous.

Earthhorse

There's the one about the pet vet whose snake lets him out for the night to go on a date. The vet reports that the date went well; the woman was beautiful, charming and the same height as him in heels.

The snake tells him, "She was just checking you out to see if you are marriage material".

:eek:

CrankyHaus

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

The "man hides in the back seat of a woman's car while she's in paying for petrol. Then he jumps out and attacks her as she's driving along" urban legend.

Until it actually happened: https://www.kiro7.com/news/screaming-woman-scares-away-man-hiding-back-seat/81835845/

and again: https://www.mlive.com/news/saginaw-bay-city/2018/12/man-hides-in-womans-vehicle-at-gas-station-then-assaults-her-police-say.html

TBF this is a known method of attackers. A friend worked in a criminal mental hopsital and when some dangerous insane criminal on day release didn't come back on time (surprise, surprise) the intercom kept repeating warnings to everyone to check the back seat of the car before driving home at the end their shift.

Gregor Samsa

CrankyHaus wrote: »

I'd say half the country has been congratulated on the quality of their English when they went to the States by now. I've even heard that one on the TV (I think someone spoofing on the late-late).

That actually does happen. I can name the work colleague that said it directly to me at lunch in our office in Minneapolis in 2006. Had another colleague's husband ask me "do you guys have cars in Ireland" once too. A lot of them really don't have a clue about Ireland, and why should they.

On the other side of the coin, while driving a group of Americans between Ennis and Shannon one day, I told them the (true) story about the "fairy tree" in Latoon near Domolonand Castle) that the M18 motorway had to be slightly diverted to avoid cutting it down, as locals (aided by a "folklorist)" claimed doing so would curse the motorway and people would die. (obviously the curse is not true, but the fact that the claim was made and the motorway altered because of it is).

They didn't believe me that this actually occurred, so I'm probably the butt of a few American's stories of the Paddy that tried to spoof them and how they didn't fall for it.

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

The one where the woman goes to Amsterdam for a weekend and has a fling with a bloke. She was supposed to meet him on the last night of her holiday but couldn't make it.

When she gets home she developes a rash on her lips (mouth/vagina depending on the storyteller). The doctor tells her it's something you get from touching rotting corpses and she realises her fling in Amsterdam was murdering women and having sex with the corpses, and if she had gone on the date on her last night...

There's another version where the guy works in a morgue.

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

That actually does happen. I can name the work colleague that said it directly to me at lunch in our office in Minneapolis in 2006. Had another colleague's husband ask me "do you guys have cars in Ireland" once too. A lot of them really don't have a clue about Ireland, and why should they.

Well, they should be aware that every country in the world has cars at this point.

Princess Calla

CrankyHaus wrote: »

I'd say half the country has been congratulated on the quality of their English when they went to the States by now. I've even heard that one on the TV (I think someone spoofing on the late-late).

I honestly swear to god this happened to me when I was on holidays in the States.

I was visiting my friend who is also Irish, but living over there yrs. My friend introduces me to her boss' friend and his mother.... So chatting away and the mother says "you're from Ireland?".. Yes I am, same town as my friend.... "oh your English is very good".... Puzzled me goes "oh thank you"

I wrote it off as she was elderly.

However another person did think London was in Ireland... So I don't know.

Gregor Samsa

Duffy the Vampire Slayer wrote: »

Well, they should be aware that every country in the world has cars at this point.

Of course they should. But the whole point of the story was that he wasn't. His wife hit him on the arm and said "Of course they have cars!". He just said "Well I don't know that! What do I know about Ireland?". I went on to describe the 1.4l hatchback I had at the time. I don't think he considered that a car at all.

Pkiernan

The irish guys in Boston beating up black guys with hurls, then the blacks guys telling the cops that they were beaten up with giant wooden spoons.

Insect Overlord

Duffy the Vampire Slayer wrote: »

Well, they should be aware that every country in the world has cars at this point.

My secondary school basketball team got to spend 10 days on tour in the States (back around 2004/5) and some of the stories they came back with were mental. One of the host families asked them if we have trees in Ireland. The biggest messer in the group also convinced his host that we don't have Wednesdays in Ireland. Some people really are that gullible.

Oranage2

I think we all heard this one as kids but usually older boys would say 'Don't jump into the priory or the priest will fiddle you'

Greta_Funberg

Insect Overlord wrote: »

The biggest messer in the group also convinced his host that we don't have Wednesdays in Ireland. Some people really are that gullible.

I bet he did. How gullible indeed.

nthclare

If you run around the church 12 time's at midnight you'll see the quare fella, the evil one, the benevolent one, the dark one, the divel, SATAN the bringer of light

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

Insect Overlord wrote: »

My secondary school basketball team got to spend 10 days on tour in the States (back around 2004/5) and some of the stories they came back with were mental. One of the host families asked them if we have trees in Ireland. The biggest messer in the group also convinced his host that we don't have Wednesdays in Ireland. Some people really are that gullible.

I've heard that exact same story, except it was Tuesdays.

Losty Dublin

There was murder one year when the Gay Byrne show found a taxi driver who wasn't racist

Blondini

A youngfella having a tug opens his eyes to find that his mother has left a cup of tea at his bedside for him...

Ipso

Princess Calla wrote: »

I honestly swear to god this happened to me when I was on holidays in the States.

I was visiting my friend who is also Irish, but living over there yrs. My friend introduces me to her boss' friend and his mother.... So chatting away and the mother says "you're from Ireland?".. Yes I am, same town as my friend.... "oh your English is very good".... Puzzled me goes "oh thank you"

I wrote it off as she was elderly.

However another person did think London was in Ireland... So I don't know.

People in Spain speak Spanish, people in France speak French, people in Italy speak Italian, people in Germany speak German, people in Russia speak Russian, people in Norway speak Norwegian (repeat until bored).
It's not that much of a stretch for people to expect people to speak the language of their own country as a first language.

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

Ipso wrote: »

People in Spain speak Spanish, people in France speak French, people in Italy speak Italian, people in Germany speak German, people in Russia speak Russian, people in Norway speak Norwegian (repeat until bored).
It's not that much of a stretch for people to expect people to speak the language of their own country as a first language.

Well Americans aren't English and Mexicans aren't Spanish. In fact, a lot of Americans make the exact opposite mistake and only think of Spanish as a Latin American language. They are surprised to learn it's from a country in Europe.

Insect Overlord

Duffy the Vampire Slayer wrote: »

I've heard that exact same story, except it was Tuesdays.

I probably posted it in C&H years ago! :P

Gretas Gonna Get Ya!

Princess Calla wrote: »

I honestly swear to god this happened to me when I was on holidays in the States.

I was visiting my friend who is also Irish, but living over there yrs. My friend introduces me to her boss' friend and his mother.... So chatting away and the mother says "you're from Ireland?".. Yes I am, same town as my friend.... "oh your English is very good".... Puzzled me goes "oh thank you"

I wrote it off as she was elderly.

However another person did think London was in Ireland... So I don't know.

I was talking to a yank one time, who genuinely thought the Isle of man was a gay holiday resort Island.... :pac:

There really is no limit to their cluelessness sometimes!

Sgt Hartman

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote: »

I was talking to a yank one time, who genuinely thought the Isle of man was a gay holiday resort Island.... :pac:

There really is no limit to their cluelessness sometimes!

The best one yet was a Yank couple who were sitting in my local pub in Limerick. There was a rainbow outside after a heavy rain shower and the missus cries excitedly to her husband "Hey look, it's Finnegan's Rainbow"
I just cringed when I heard it

Princess Calla

Ipso wrote: »

People in Spain speak Spanish, people in France speak French, people in Italy speak Italian, people in Germany speak German, people in Russia speak Russian, people in Norway speak Norwegian (repeat until bored).
It's not that much of a stretch for people to expect people to speak the language of their own country as a first language.

I wonder when the "American language" will be introduced as a leaving cert subject.

Also Spain has 5 separate languages.

Brazils language isn't Brazilian, but Portuguese.

Taking into consideration that the Irish language has been in decline since the 1500's and pretty much decimated after the famine.
That one of their beloved presidents (Kennedy) hailed from Irish stock.
That an extremely high % of Americans claim to be of irish ancestry.
Then high profile irish celebs like Pierce Brosnan, U2, Brendan Gleeson etc.
It's pretty embarrassing for them not to recognise another English speaking country.

HildaOgdenx

Gregor Samsa wrote: »

The "man hides in the back seat of a woman's car while she's in paying for petrol. Then he jumps out and attacks her as she's driving along" urban legend.

Until it actually happened: https://www.kiro7.com/news/screaming-woman-scares-away-man-hiding-back-seat/81835845/

and again: https://www.mlive.com/news/saginaw-bay-city/2018/12/man-hides-in-womans-vehicle-at-gas-station-then-assaults-her-police-say.html

Happened here too, in Cork, some years ago.

https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/woman-terrified-by-masked-man-who-hid-in-back-seat-of-her-car-26406883.html

whisky_galore

Germans were refuelling u boats in Ireland in WW2.
Black and Tans were released convicts.
RTE refused to make Fr Ted.

Junkyard Tom

Some girl went for a first date at the guys house where he made a lovely meal, shorty after eating she has terrible stomach pain and needs to use the toilet ASAP. He says 'oh no, wait, the bathroom is a mess I have to clean it' and keeps her waiting at the bathroom door for so long she explodes a shower of diarrhoea in her pants.

He comes out and is very understanding and says, go in and have a shower, he gets her a change of clothes and gives her a bag for her shite-drenched clothes and takes them to put them in the wash. When she's finished in the bathroom she walks out and yer man is standing outside in the nip covered from head-to-toe in her shite.

Sardonicat

unhappys10 wrote: »

Would you believe I worked in a social welfare office one Summer in college and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that certain groups were getting.

One woman from Africa was in one day, she had no English supposedly, a translator was there for her. Turns out she had 8 kids and wasn't long in the country, no father on the scene.
We worked out that she would be getting over 3k a month from various sources such as her payment, children's benefit, rent allowance, fuel allowance, single mother, there was other stuff but I wouldn't have believed it only for I was there.

On a Thursday each week there was someone there for emergencies, if you were badly stuck you'd get money. Same people in each week, needed money for "nappies, buggies, child seats" etc etc.

If people actually knew half the crap that is given out there'd be uproar.

So some truth to that story above wouldn't surprise me in the least.

You're right, I wouldn't believe it. If she wasn't long in the country she wouldn't have been entitled to anything other than a small payment from a community welfare officer who, until recently, came under the auspices of the HSE and operate , still, in separate premises from 'Social Welfare Offices' which haven't been called that for well over a decade. 'Likewise, emergency payments are awarded by Community Welfare Officers, in their offices, not in 'Social Welfare Offices" 'Single Mothers' hasn't been called that for over 20 years. So yeah, you're spoofing in the spoofer thread.