Breaking up over vaccination and other compatibility concerns?

LegacyUser

I don't for a second believe she will reconsider any of her views OP I'm sorry but people who hold such strong views don't want to compromise and don't want to have their views change. She's saying what she thinks you want to hear but do you want to wait until you actually have a child together to find out how willing she actually is to change? Her thinking is once there is a child in the picture you won't be able to leave so string you along until then. The vaccine thing is a deal breaker on its own but the swimming thing? Come on OP, your trying to hard to compromise and not judge etc but you've gone so far in one direction your not seeing the crazy

Tork

The people who hold these views are in a cult of sorts. They believe that because of this extra, non-mainstream research they've done, they've found the real truth. The people who vaccinate their kids, drink tap water that has fluoride in it, swim in chlorinated swimming pools, don't believe 5G caused Coronavirus etc. are the brainwashed sheep. I bet she uses the words "mainstream media" too, right? If you're of the mindset that science isn't to be believed and that Big Pharma has a lot to answer for, you're not going to be coming back to conventional thinking any time soon. All your girlfriend did here was push an open door. It's as plain as the nose on your face that you don't want to break up. So all she has to do is make some vague promises she can easily go back on. She is never going to vaccinate any children you ever have, she'll never allow them to go for a swim and will stop them from doing god knows what else. It's what people like her are like. If she was around 150 years ago she'd be talking nonsense about fairies and banshees.

Let's be honest, in six months time your GF could decide she's against electricity.

It's fairly rare to see such a one-sided thread. That in itself should tell you something.

Best of luck.

Rachiee

You are simply not compatible for living together and raising kids you both want different things, so why waste any more time trying to build a life together?
Do you have a massive fear of being alone? Because It sounds like you are flogging a dead horse. Even if you do love her , that's not enough of a reason to stay, there are other women you could fall in love with maybe one you'd even be compatible with, and can share dreams with, you'll never meet her if you stay with your current gf.
As an aside it was an absolutely ridiculous move to live together after such a short amount of time but at least now you know you aren't compatible.

qwerty13

I just cannot understand her attitude to Facebook Woo about vaccines / 5g / chlorine etc. And undoubtedly that wouldn’t be a finite list - I suspect that she’d hook into whatever the current conspiracy madness was, and take a set against that. So you’re probably not even dealing with a defined set of, well, completely OTT uninformed views - her views are very likely to be a moving target. I just could not have any respect for someone like that, and I couldn’t be with them.

I can however understand that her family are around all the time, as she probably really needed their support. So I get her reluctance to move area too. And of course there’d be many ramifications about her child, school, friends, how involved her ex is in the child’s life.

My view is that she said about splitting in order to give you a fright, and manipulate you into going along with her views. But now that you do seem to be questioning things, she’s open to discussion/compromise!!! Yeah, right! I’d say she was shocked that you didn’t fall into line, and is now just telling you what you want to hear. And when push comes to shove, she won’t budge a fraction of an inch.

I’m afraid I also think you moved in way too soon. Like only 3 months of your relationship was pre lockdown and socially distancing since then. So it’s what, towards the end of July when you started to meet again?

It’s like her real personality is only coming out now that you’ve moved in - did you not know any of this stuff before?? And you seem to have talked a lot about very (VERY) committed future plans, without really knowing her views. I’d be exceptionally careful about contraception. Don’t get yourself trapped into a situation where not only do you have little control/choices about your own life - but none about your future kids either.

kob29

She's clearly saying whatever it takes now to stop you walking away. So you need to be very wary.
If she has truly reconsidered her stances (which are obviously loo-laa) probe what research she saw that made her
rethink, will she be getting her existing child vaccinated in light of this change of mind? What has she found out about 5g
or chlorine that has changed her position....will she be joining you at the pool on Saturday morning- put the depth of it to
the test now.
Does she see you as a useful convenience? Cash cow? as oppose to a life partner and lover?

At the very least step away from things for a month or so and have a think and a bit of distance perspective. Give yourself
the time and space to see that being single is ok with you and better than being in an incompatible situation.
By the sound of your initial post you already know where it's all going though. It looks like a situation many of us would look
back at and say 'lucky escape there' in future times.

Magicmatilda

The thing that I keep coming back to is that she has moved someone in with her child after only 8 months. Now I am sure you are a lovely guy but surely a mother should be more discerning than that. Did you know each other for a long time before dating?

If you have a kid and it ends, will she have someone new living with her after 8 months, playing daddy!

I just can't believe she would play so fast and loose with her child's emotions. Its very cruel. I assume her child likes you and has gotten used to you and now you may end up leaving. Mind you she has played fast and loose with the child's health so I shouldn't be surprised.

I would also be wary of the offer to compromise. It only came when you threatened to walk.

Where is her child's father? is he around? what is your experience of him?

Pistachio19

Stop wasting your time and hers. This relationship is doomed to fail. She's not likely to change, she won't move, her family will always be around. Can you honestly see yourself being content in 5-10 years time in this relationship when it's already bugging you after only a few short months of being together?

Whatever her opinions are, it doesn't really matter.

What matters is, she will never see you as her parenting equal. It will always be "her" children, not "your" children.

Where is her 8 year old's father, and what role has he in making decisions for their child?

If its none, ask yourself (and her) why?

StinkyMunkey

Anti vaxxers are a true danger to society, their ilk would still deny vaccines work even if their child became infected with a disease that vaccines are there to prevent.

Africa has just eradicated polio through vaccinations -

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-53887947

Swimming is a fun activity and every child should know how to swim. Chlorine kills germs and prevents disease/illness. Every year around 120 people drown on Ireland -

https://watersafety.ie/statistics/

Regardless of the other crack pot theories and red flags, I'd be running for the hills and wouldn't look back.

Don't ignore what that voice in your head is telling you, you started this thread because you needed to hear what you already knew - your girlfriend isn't someone you should be having a child with.

ILoveYourVibes

She says she is 'holding you back' ...to me that is a nice way of saying 'i don't want to be with you' or at least she has no certainty on the issue.

You are willing to compromise work through things she doesn't want to work through things.

I don't mean to be blunt but this means she doesn't want to work through things and wants to move on.

From her perspective you have a lot of deep obstacles.

And of course from yours too.

She doesn't see herself as being happy living away from the area she is in now. And you want to move. So in reality she doesn't see her live with you in the potential future as being happy.

She has some odd ideas that are endangering the health of her child. Indicating she might not be very intelligent or more likely she has an anxiety disorder. That is very common in people with constant worries about perceived dangers from mundane things. If i am right ....then she is unaware of her issue and its probably more systemic than you think. Also it will go up and down with her moods or stresslevels. The fact that she is unaware to be SO anxious these things is unusual shows lack of self awareness.

This anxiety is also probably why she would find it impossible to move. Its a big change. Plus with kid.

But the biggest thing i notice here is ..she is saying she doesn't want to work through this and you are ignoring her wishes in a way.

If you decide ..you will not move ..i would wager something else would come up that means she has some obstacle in seeing you together in the future. Another thing would come up.

If you want to challenge the vaccine thing ...my advice is DONT ....don't talk about it even .....talk about the root issue. Which is her anxiety it is that you need to remedy. Also in examining the anxiety around everyday things ...it helps her gain self awareness slowly. It can be a slow stop ...'Hey would you like to try relaxation techniques or stuff for anxiety?' bleh bleh...and get her to talk to you about it ..let her know she can.

But my gut feeling is ...soon another thing would come up in her mind meaning you two can't be together ..or it would for you. As she has already said she doesn't want to work through it. She is uncertain about your relationship...but certain about the things she doesn't want.

Dtp1979

We should post a link to this thread in the conspiracy theories forum, to get some balance in here.

I’m joking.

Run op, run like 5G, cause it’s fast.

LegacyUser

Magicmatilda wrote: »

The thing that I keep coming back to is that she has moved someone in with her child after only 8 months. Now I am sure you are a lovely guy but surely a mother should be more discerning than that. Did you know each other for a long time before dating?

If you have a kid and it ends, will she have someone new living with her after 8 months, playing daddy!

I just can't believe she would play so fast and loose with her child's emotions. Its very cruel. I assume her child likes you and has gotten used to you and now you may end up leaving. Mind you she has played fast and loose with the child's health so I shouldn't be surprised.

I would also be wary of the offer to compromise. It only came when you threatened to walk.

Where is her child's father? is he around? what is your experience of him?

Thanks for the perspective.

You are absolutely right. It’s only now I see this as a red flag. I’ve always wanted a family of my own so I guess I was blind to that being a red flag until now.

I would never do anything to hurt or destroy their trust in me but it’s now that very fact that’s holding me back. I’m coming to terms with not being life compatible with her but it’s the fear of hurting her child by suddenly leaving, playing with her emotions ( not intentionally of course ).

I feel so stuck.

I know little to nothing about the Father. She doesn’t like to talk much about him. He’s not on the scene anyway. I’ve tried to get her to talk but I sense some form of abuse as she really dislikes talking about it and I respect that and didn’t want to keep asking her.

LegacyUser

Dtp1979 wrote: »

We should post a link to this thread in the conspiracy theories forum, to get some balance in here.

I’m joking.

Run op, run like 5G, cause it’s fast.

To be fair, I could use some comic relief at this point. I chuckled. Thank you.

In all seriousness, I take your point and don’t disagree. I’d probably be giving the same advice to others.

It’s just, more difficult when you’re caught up in it and especially when there is a child involved ( not mine, but still, I care too much already ).

qwerty13

It’s a completely messed up situation in my book.

You both agreed to moving in way too soon. You didn’t know each other well enough. It sounds like you really want a family, and you jumped way too soon to achieve that - which isn’t fair on her child.

The fact that you know nothing about her child’s father before you moved in is not good. Did you not think you should have found out stuff like that? From your own point view re ‘how involved is the ex’ - but also from the child’s POV. I don’t think either of you are being good to her child.

If she was alone for years, then she needed her family around, but it sounds like a pattern of no boundaries exists, and that’s not changing when you moved in - or in the future.

I couldn't be with someone with her views. I don’t think you can either. Do you really believe she’ll vaccinate a kid that you and she have together??

I just cannot see the relationship working out down the road. I think you need to project your views as to how your future would look with this person, and I’d say you’d decide to end the relationship if you honestly analyse the situation

Tork

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

It’s just, more difficult when you’re caught up in it and especially when there is a child involved ( not mine, but still, I care too much already ).

The longer you let this run, the harder it will be for everyone. Especially the child.

Tork

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

I’ve always wanted a family of my own so I guess I was blind to that being a red flag until now.

If you were a woman, it wouldn't be long before the words "biological clock" were mentioned. It partly explains the "pants on fire" speed at which this relationship proceeded. The Coronavirus isn't much older than your relationship, to put it in perspective. This is a version of the age old saying "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" only you still have the option of walking away. You should, for all the reasons outlined earlier in the thread.

AndrewJRenko

It's not so much the vaccination issue on its own that would bother me, it is the indication that the person is heavily influenced by online groups, and is likely to have very different value systems on a whole raft of issues relating to child care, parenting in general, ordinary relationship stuff, dealing with in-laws, choosing schools, choosing activities, dealing with the kids friends and their parents. This incompatibility is very likely to cause significant conflicts at every step of the way.

You know what to do.

ILoveYourVibes

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

It's not so much the vaccination issue on its own that would bother me, it is the indication that the person is heavily influenced by online groups, and is likely to have very different value systems on a whole raft of issues relating to child care, parenting in general, ordinary relationship stuff, dealing with in-laws, choosing schools, choosing activities, dealing with the kids friends and their parents. This incompatibility is very likely to cause significant conflicts at every step of the way.

You know what to do.

And are perhaps isolated in real life.

Also are likely to go all over the place as their values change with diff online groups.