Dealing with difficult people in work

LegacyUser

Hi there, I'd appreciate your thoughts on the below.

I (female) recently started a new role in a company, where I am working closely with two other females who have been working in the role for the past six years. Both of the other females are extremely close and are slightly older than me (I'm 27, they are both 40). My issue is that both females aren't particularly welcoming or nice to me. I've been in the role for seven months now and nothing has changed. Generally they just do things like making "sly" comments, sometimes don't reply to my (work related) texts or emails and make it quite obvious that they don't like working with me. Their close friend quit the job a few months ago and I got his position. They make a point of speaking about how they miss him which obviously makes me feel completely uncomfortable. As both of these females have been in the role for six years they are very popular within the company. They are both well established in the role and because no real 'training' is provided, I have to learn from them by asking questions and I just feel like a huge inconvenience. Another person in the company commented about how he noticed their behaviour towards me at a meeting where they both did their utmost to avoid speaking with me. Most recently they have began making digs about how the company will probably be cutting jobs now and how 'newest staff' might be affected (I'm the newest staff member in the company).

Has anyone been in this situation before? I wouldn't consider myself to be really sensitive but I just feel so down and so uncomfortable going into work. We don't have a HR department and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with my manager. The behaviour is also so underhand that it would be difficult to actually bring it up with anyone. I'm trying my best to give myself the "mind over matter" talk but the reality is that I work closely with these people and I absolutely dread going into work.

I've been in that position. It was a very small office and a colleague in her late 40s/early 50s was incredibly put out by me. She was very much the mammyish kind of not-technically-the-boss-but-I've-made-myself-indispensable type. I was put in the same role as her with only a few years experience. She would hound me on every little thing, give me poor advice, and treat me like a bold child. Other people noticed the way she treated me, but as much as they were willing to call it out to me in private, she was very much a force unto herself and no one (including me) was willing to speak out about it.

I stayed there, dreading work every morning for 2 years and then left.

The bad news is that I never solved the problem. The good news is that in retrospect the culture at that company was always going to be a problem. Self-appointed middle-management with insecurities that try to keep junior staff down is not the case of a bad egg, it's the case of an incredibly weak workplace culture, an atmosphere of power-moves and fear, and very poor management.

I know it sounds like an overreaction, but unless this is the job of your dreams, I'd serve a bit of time for the sake of your CV and then get out of there. Find a job that makes you happier. If it's any consolation, the reason they're treating you like this is because they're threatened by you - the best way to show them what's what is to move forward with your life and succeed.

Neyite

I solved a similar problem mainly by:
I just kept it pleasantly civil and professional with the trouble maker, recording every interaction via email.

With everyone else in the company I was friendly, helpful, cheerful and meticulous in my work.

As the bitching intensified so did my cheerfulness. I'd hum to myself doing tasks and me just appearing happy in my work seemed to enrage her further. (I'd get into my car and cry on the way home but I would die rather than let her see she got to me.) She went to management about me, but they literally could not see what she was on about, and she had no examples to explain or justify her complaints. Finally she demanded from management that I needed to go or she would walk but she vastly misjudged the situation - That very week I came to the attention of management because a client was impressed with the work I did on a very important project, and that was also the week she was being investigated for her frequent vague sick days, so they basically accepted her resignation.

At the time I was actively looking for another job to get me away from the situation so it was just luck really that it unfolded that way. I think you should quietly look for another job, but don't leave until you've got something equal to what you have and just do what I did in the meantime.

bitofabind

That sounds hard. Sorry you have to put up with this bullying OP.

Two things you can do.

1. Record everything. Every sly dig, every work-related correspondence they don't reply to. Have it in a notebook or in a document you can pull up if you need to make a case down the line. Evidence is really important with insidious behaviour like this.

2. Just a little tactic that works well for calling out bad or inappropriate comments. Next time they make a sly dig, look at them and ask them to repeat what they have said. In an innocent, non accusatory way. Just simply look at them and say, "I'm sorry, I missed that. What did you say?" Most bullies like this are cowards and will prefer to keep their digs subtle and private, barely audible to anyone else except the victim. Ask them to repeat and watch them get flustered and try to slink away. "Could you repeat that please?" Keep doing this and they'll start to realise it's not so easy to treat you like dog sh1t and get away with it scot-free.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you all so much for your comments which I will be taking on board. It's just disheartening really, I'm always polite and kind with them so it is frustrating to be treated like this and of course know that I'm always being b*tched about for no reason.

Thank you all! If anyone else has advice, please fire away!

Airyfairy12

Hi OP
I was in a similar situation a few years ago, I was just out of college and in my first graduate job, the staff were mostly women and they were very clicky, constantly undermining me, b!tching and making comments. When my contract ended instead of reapplying I ran for the hills and never looked back, I wouldn't consider myself to be thin skinned but it really took its toll on my confidence and mental health.

One thing id suggest is to write down all instances after they occur and document the date, time and who was present when it happened, no matter how small the instance was.
Once you have a number of instances recorded go to your manager for a chat, show them your documentation of the bullying and tell them what's been going on. If nothing changes or the situation gets worse then leave the job, you will find something else, your mental health is worth more.

This sort of behaviour in work environments is so common, it's awful to think that grown adults act this way but just remind yourself that it's a reflection on them, not you, youre not responsible for anyone's behaviour only your own.

LegacyUser

I like this advise as I was gonna mention the general concept put into practice here.

"If your opponent is of choleric temperament - irritate them".

Difficult people make your life difficult cause you piss them off. The answer, is not to step back and show weakness, but to exacerbate what's causing their bad behavior toward you.

It's funny thing but, I've went from the underdog role to the in-control role, simply doing this.
Control is only marginally physical authority, far more control over this dynamic.

Feelings/emotions are funny things, and when you can learn to flare them, that's a serious advantage to have in life.
You're already under these people skin - living rent free in their head by the sounds of it - so just do what Neyite does, hum louder - they give you a hard time, laugh louder, make them crazy etc.

I also like the advice of looking for something else on the side - leaves you more options.

Neyite wrote: »

I solved a similar problem mainly by:
I just kept it pleasantly civil and professional with the trouble maker, recording every interaction via email.

With everyone else in the company I was friendly, helpful, cheerful and meticulous in my work.

As the bitching intensified so did my cheerfulness. I'd hum to myself doing tasks and me just appearing happy in my work seemed to enrage her further. (I'd get into my car and cry on the way home but I would die rather than let her see she got to me.) She went to management about me, but they literally could not see what she was on about, and she had no examples to explain or justify her complaints. Finally she demanded from management that I needed to go or she would walk but she vastly misjudged the situation - That very week I came to the attention of management because a client was impressed with the work I did on a very important project, and that was also the week she was being investigated for her frequent vague sick days, so they basically accepted her resignation.

At the time I was actively looking for another job to get me away from the situation so it was just luck really that it unfolded that way. I think you should quietly look for another job, but don't leave until you've got something equal to what you have and just do what I did in the meantime.

Psychiatric Patrick

lookingforopinions wrote: »

Hi there, I'd appreciate your thoughts on the below.

I (female) recently started a new role in a company, where I am working closely with two other females who have been working in the role for the past six years. Both of the other females are extremely close and are slightly older than me (I'm 27, they are both 40). My issue is that both females aren't particularly welcoming or nice to me. I've been in the role for seven months now and nothing has changed. Generally they just do things like making "sly" comments, sometimes don't reply to my (work related) texts or emails and make it quite obvious that they don't like working with me. Their close friend quit the job a few months ago and I got his position. They make a point of speaking about how they miss him which obviously makes me feel completely uncomfortable. As both of these females have been in the role for six years they are very popular within the company. They are both well established in the role and because no real 'training' is provided, I have to learn from them by asking questions and I just feel like a huge inconvenience. Another person in the company commented about how he noticed their behaviour towards me at a meeting where they both did their utmost to avoid speaking with me. Most recently they have began making digs about how the company will probably be cutting jobs now and how 'newest staff' might be affected (I'm the newest staff member in the company).

Has anyone been in this situation before? I wouldn't consider myself to be really sensitive but I just feel so down and so uncomfortable going into work. We don't have a HR department and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with my manager. The behaviour is also so underhand that it would be difficult to actually bring it up with anyone. I'm trying my best to give myself the "mind over matter" talk but the reality is that I work closely with these people and I absolutely dread going into work.

I have no advice to give that will solve it but you are getting some solid wisdom from others so I just want to say do not let that pair get you down and like Neyite says don't let them see anything but a smile.

I've seen this happen with men I've worked with but I have the good fortune to e able to say that every woman I've worked with is a treasure.

Make sure you talk to your friends about this. Hopefully you will make a few friends in work.

Irish_rat

lookingforopinions wrote: »

Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you all so much for your comments which I will be taking on board. It's just disheartening really, I'm always polite and kind with them so it is frustrating to be treated like this and of course know that I'm always being b*tched about for no reason.

Thank you all! If anyone else has advice, please fire away!

Give it a year or two, if it still persists I'd look elsewhere, life's too short. Also give yourself other options in the meantime.

Psychiatric Patrick

Irish_rat wrote: »

Give it a year or two, if it still persists I'd look elsewhere, life's too short. Also give yourself other options in the meantime.

A year or two? Man the young lady would be baby in the head by then

This issue needs the be resolved as soon as possible. The question is how

Augme

Fight or flight option. There's positives and negatives to both.

I work in HR so I see these situations a lot. It general comes down to a bit of wills and attitude. How far are you willing to go? How much are you willing to fight?

Ultimately you'll have to ask yourself those questions yourself. The other option is to just find a new job.

What I will say is that in these situations it is difficult for any HR unit to act, even if you had one so don't expect an external party to resolve this situation. Normally for situations like this to be resolved one or both parties have to leave/transfer.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanking you all so much for your advice. The acts are really so underhand that it's hard to make a note of them, but I will! It's just such a pity as I know that we could get on really well and I just think that it's so much easier to get on with people than to make life difficult for them, but such is life. As I've mentioned, it's just difficult as I am relatively new to the role and there's no training as such so I have to depend on them to progress my own knowledge. Anyway, I'm resigning myself to accepting that they must be relatively unhappy individuals if they persist in doing these things. Thanks all!

tamara25

I feel for you op, not a nice situation to be in. Have you a friend/colleague at work that you could talk to about this? Those women obviously have their issues when there treating you like this.. have to say I much prefer working with men any day of the week instead of women. Men are more genuine, just having the craic whereas women are constantly bitching...

Psychiatric Patrick

tamara25 wrote: »

I feel for you op, not a nice situation to be in. Have you a friend/colleague at work that you could talk to about this? Those women obviously have their issues when there treating you like this.. have to say I much prefer working with men any day of the week instead of women. Men are more genuine, just having the craic whereas women are constantly bitching...

I've always preferred my female co-workers. Most male co-workers have been moaning darama queens.

ThewhiteJesus

This is a common thing in the hse admin side op, usually women in cliques picking on men it’s unreal , and then promoting each other it’s a vicious circle. My advice, do your job to the best of your abilities and let the work do the talking

Psychiatric Patrick

ThewhiteJesus wrote: »

This is a common thing in the hse admin side op, usually women in cliques picking on men it’s unreal , and then promoting each other it’s a vicious circle. My advice, do your job to the best of your abilities and let the work do the talking

Not so easy to think the way when living through it though