Was I out of line to send this text?

ILoveYourVibes

no ...i would not think its out of line to send that text ...nor would i freak out so much about the boxes ....but you would not be out of line to just shift them somewhere either...shrug

Hannibal_Smith

Oh OP, I'd be tempted to just leave them in her room at this stage like suggested earlier in the thread, but I'm not sure that would be me just digging the knife in (no pun intended) which wouldnt help at all.

When I house shared and whenever I first moved into a place I was so careful to make sure I followed whatever house rules or systems were there. Is she using the utensils? Why so many? Is she afraid they'll get mingled in with everyone else's and when she moves out she'll have lost half of them?

She's just being stubborn now and the utensils must be like kryptonite to you every time you see them. But if they're cluttering up the place you're not in the wrong here. The problem is that Jayne is keeping schtum so you look like the crank.

zerosugarbuzz

OP, I think fair play to that girl. Whatever storage space there is in the kitchen should have been divided 3 ways from the day she arrived. You sound a bit passive aggressive and your behaviour is like subtle bullying. I hope this girl gets a new place to live soon. You should show her this thread.

LegacyUser

I couldn't help but think of this thread when I saw this in YLYL earlier

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=114448288&postcount=6203

OP, you've been doing the right thing. You've been communicating but Sarah is being stubborn and rude, and Jane is far from being a helping hand.
Move the bags to the hot press. It's not going to make things all better, but it's a step you can take, when every one else is ignoring the small issues, and letting them fester.

leggo

galgal411 wrote: »

Ok OP here (again), thanks all for listening and letting me vent.

So I said it to Sarah, as nicely as I could, that I'd noticed there is some storage space in the hot press, and would she mind storing her things in there just until we can get some extra storage space sorted in the kitchen? I also said I could give her a hand with bringing the bags upstairs.

She looked at me like I'd asked her to commit a crime. She replied "Eh..... ok...... but I mean, is it really that big of a deal having them on the table?" I replied that it's not a big deal at all it's just making the place a bit cluttered.

I reiterated we would of course make room for them by buying a trolley or stand. She replied "No it's fine, I'll just have to try get rid of them." I responded of course she doesn't have to get rid of them, that's not what I meant, and she said "No, it's fine."

It was a horrible interaction that made me feel really uneasy and I can't believe I've come out of this feeling guilty. Now it's really tense. This is actually ridiculous carry on and I'm upset now that there's going to be an unpleasant atmosphere over something so trivial.

She still hasn't moved the bags and something tells me she isn't going to.

Well done OP, those chats aren’t easy to have and now you can officially say you’ve had it and handled it diplomatically. You can’t control how she reacts but at least you can act knowing you gave her every chance to create harmony here, even if you get guilted into feeling like you’re the one who caused the problem, you really didn’t.

Rubberchikken

That's the most ridiculous behaviour from an adult I've read in a while.

This girl is painful op.
You've gone above and beyond to sort this issue. So as others havel suggested and put these bloody bags in the hot press.
This jane needs a lesson in growing up and manners. Oh and compromising.

Good luck

rock22

Why don't you put your utensils into the hot press and then let her put her utensils into the kitchen drawers etc.?

KiKi III

Can’t believe any three adults could have this much fuss over such a small issue.

Agree strongly that she should have been given equal kitchen space on day one.

Psychiatric Patrick

I think is odd that you texted her rather than spoke to her even though that seems to be difficult.

I think "Sarah's" odd behaviour might be sign of some mental health issues like OCD and I think "Jane" might suspect this too.

Do you think maybe you texted rather than spoke because you suspect mental health issues to?

I'm familiar with OCD and that is what jump out at meme about this. The young lady might just need couple of friends but can't make the move to you herself.

EDIT: Okay you have spoken to her and that is good as uncomfortable as it is. Why try again and her to join you and Jane on some day out or rip to the cinema?

Irish_peppa

just on the texting issue, I actually text my housemates / lodgers as I rarely run into them in the communal areas and to be honest when they move in I allways ask them to text or watsapp me (if they dont see) about anything as its most convienient way to communicate lol.
Last guy that moved in would knock on my door about the most random things from wheres the black bags to I heard a scratching from the wall to did you see my blue coffee mug.
If i need to tell them something I likewise don't like to be knocking on there door annoying them either, so it goes both ways. Hope im not seen as passive aggresive I actually assumed most people preferred texts

Psychiatric Patrick

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Please note that linking to or embedding videos is banned in this forum.

In addition, you should only post if you have advice to offer.

- woodchuck

Tork

Irish_peppa wrote: »

If I need to tell them something I likewise don't like to be knocking on their door annoying them either, so it goes both ways. Hope I'm not seen as passive-aggressive I actually assumed most people preferred texts

Texts are fine for lots of things in a house-share but when it comes to something that's a bit trickier, it's better to leave the phone out of it. Sending a text to say "Mary, I'm gone out and I think I forgot to turn off the immersion. Would you mind checking?" is a far cry from "Mary, I've noticed that you've got into the habit of forgetting to turn off the immersion before you leave the house".

J Mysterio

My feeling is that Sarah might be quite young, inexperienced in househaring, and generally immature/ lacking in life experience. It could be that she had things done for her previously (eg. at home) and doesn't know how to start going about organising her life, including how she can fit-in in the new environment, utensils storage included.

It may also be that she doesn't feel particularly welcome as the OP and Jane are good friends and she is a spare wheel, or that she could be shy/ anxious/ nervous of making her way and expected/ needed a bit of mollycoddling to fit in to the houseshare.

As a criticism, she should have certainly been allocated some space in the kitchen to store stuff, one cupboard at least (that would normally be filled with her food in a houseshare). Is there no other cupboard space that can be reorganised to accommodate some of her junk? Often there are 5 drawers or so in a kitchen, maybe she could have one? It won't take two bags of crap, but she could store some things. The trolley would be kind of a sh1te solution.

As others have said, I find it better to try and discuss these things in person as by text it can seem passive aggresive, particularly if you aren't overly friendly. Houseshare texts should be more like 'the landlord is coming to fix the shower on Saturday' kind of thing, not 'sort your sh1te'.

At this point I suspect she feels isolated and unwelcome and views the bags of utensils on the table as evidence that she hasn't fully moved in yet, and is not fully part of the house. In a way it's also a passive aggressive message back to OP - a sort of protest - albeit a petulant and immature one.

TL:DR

Clutter drives me crazy, but talk to your housemates in person about issues, and make some accommodation for new housemates to feel a little welcome.

Blush_01

On this whole making space for Sarah thing, I understood that the volume of things Sarah arrived with was the issue, that some accommodation had been made and the OP and Jane offered to arrange more when they saw how much Sarah had?

I do not travel lightly as a housemate, I come with lots of stuff. But if I'm bringing something there's already some of, and the house ethos is to share, I'll put my stuff away (bottom of my wardrobe / garage / available storage space, like the hotpress etc.). Fair is fair. Yes, moving in to a new house can be difficult. Yes, things can be misunderstood via text. But if you never see the person, text is a viable option, and the adult thing to do is respond in some way.

I don't envy you OP. It's unpleasant to feel uncomfortable in your home. Maybe she feels the same. A house meeting at this stage would be an overly formal way to clear the air, what about arranging something like a takeaway and inviting her, so you can see whether it's just a crossed-wires-bad start, or if you're just not compatible long-term as housemates? There are lots of options for everyone involved, but you'll never know what's in someone else's head.

Good luck with it.

Rowley Birkin QC

This is shaping up to rival the immovable ladder of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem at this stage! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_Quo_(Jerusalem_and_Bethlehem)#'Immovable_ladder'

OP, have shared houses with people in the past and only advice will be to have an open and honest chat, agree on a set of rules and then all abide by them. Best of luck!