Mil is a wagon and is destroying me and fiancé's life

Milsawagon

Gruffalox wrote: »

How are your complex health needs going to respond to 3 hours daily in a car commuting? How could you ever rear children with this level of outside manipulation? I would postpone marriage and see if ye can live happily as independent people who broker no interference from the MIL, and if it looks like that cannot happen, then have a serious think about things.

We've spent so much on the bloody wedding so far...

micah537

I met an ex when we were both in college and moved in together when we graduated and came across the same crap. I needed to live in a city (any city would do) and then her mother wanted us closer to her, and her dad wold give us a site blah blah blah. I was an architect but the site we were being giving had PP for a bland county dump. It pissed me off tbh that I wasn't "allowed" to design our dream home but instead her parents dream home.



My dad's advise was actually legendary. Agree to it but tell her you want to get married in the Caribbean, Australia or somewhere in Asia on beach, just the two of us, no parents, no friends. They were also religious so he said to tell her we are naming our first son after a Greek God and not to baptise him.



I was single soon after and met an independent, open minded lady who is on the same page as me.

Milsawagon

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

She said 'wouldn't it be nice if you lived nearby', how is that a tirade?

Why are you hiding from her and giving your fiance ultimatums? Does your wife want to move? Is your fiance asking you to move?

She went on further than that I just can't bear to get into it again

Tbh I've an early start back to Dublin so I'm only in bed a short while early. My fiancé agreed to the compromise

Milsawagon

micah537 wrote: »

I met an ex when we were both in college and moved in together when we graduated and came across the same crap. I needed to live in a city (any city would do) and then her mother wanted us closer to her, and her dad wold give us a site blah blah blah. I was an architect but the site we were being giving had PP for a bland county dump. It pissed me off tbh that I wasn't "allowed" to design our dream home but instead her parents dream home.



My dad's advise was actually legendary. Agree to it but tell her you want to get married in the Caribbean, Australia or somewhere in Asia on beach, just the two of us, no parents, no friends. They were also religious so he said to tell her we are naming our first son after a Greek God and not to baptise him.



I was single soon after and met an independent, open minded lady who is on the same page as me.

LOL I need a beer with your dad

Gruffalux

Milsawagon wrote: »

We've spent so much on the bloody wedding so far...

Don't throw more good money after it so. What's spent is spent. You are hardly going to marry someone because of stupid deposits paid?
3 hours daily on a bus would be torture.

Milsawagon

Gruffalox wrote: »

Don't throw more good money after it so. What's spent is spent. You are hardly going to marry someone because of stupid deposits paid?
3 hours daily on a bus would be torture.

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

A 90 minute commute will only exacerbate whatever medical issues you have or create new ones.

Purple Mountain

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

So there's your answer?
Just tell your fiancée.
Job done.

Milsawagon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

So there's your answer?
Just tell your fiancée.
Job done.

Yes I will only get to have a proper chat with her in the morning without the mil listening in

Milsawagon

Smee_Again wrote: »

A 90 minute commute will only exacerbate whatever medical issues you have or create new ones.

We're priced out of Dublin and of course oh no the commuter towns wouldn't suit

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

We're priced out of Dublin and of course oh no the commuter towns wouldn't suit

So it’s not really your MIL that’s making you move, she’s just influencing the location. Is that right?

Milsawagon

Smee_Again wrote: »

So it’s not really your MIL that’s making you move, she’s just influencing the location. Is that right?

Yes to a further away from Dublin location, in the back arse of nowhere, no broadband, one car lane roads which mean you've to reverse 500m to let the other one pass and try your luck again

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

Which is?

Figure out what you can live with and quit the ultimatums by text if you're not going to follow through. A 90 minute commute is mental btw

Milsawagon

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Figure out what you can live with and quit the ultimatums by text if you're not going to follow through. A 90 minute commute is mental btw

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

Yes to a further away from Dublin location, in the back arse of nowhere, no broadband, one car lane roads which mean you've to reverse 500m to let the other one pass and try your luck again

Yes, but you made it sound like the only reason for moving was because of the MIL.

I don’t think the MIL should get to dictate where you live but it’s unfair to blame her completely for the move.

It’s also more understandable that when forced out of Dublin your fiancé would chose to move close to family.

But you need to speak to your fiancé about it more and explain that while you’re ok with a long commute (which is madness btw) you don’t want to live so close to her mother.

screamer

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

Oh but Jesus Christ the commute will be ball breaking. Seriously you’re lessening the quality of your life and relationship to enrich that of your mother in law. Sit your fiancé down and just tell her honestly, after visiting this weekend you’ve changed your mind. The long term of commuting is just not worth it, believe me. If she lives you she’ll chose you, if she goes running back to mammy, leave her off. I know that sounds harsh but don’t do this, you will regret it for the dear days of your life.

eggy81

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

No it won't. Half the country is at it.

Tork

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

I know a few people who've done commutes like that. Not one of them has anything good to say about it. It wears you down after a while, especially in the winter time. Be very careful.

o1s1n

Milsawagon wrote: »

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

I did a 90 minute commute for most of my 20s. I love listening to music and playing videogames, thought it would be the perfect time for me to do both.

It was until the novelty wore off. 90 minutes each way is three hours a day, 15 hours a week. 60 hours+ a month.

You eventually feel like you're spending your whole life trying to get from A to B without actually spending any time at either. Really do not recommend.

My current commute is 40 minutes on a bicycle and I wouldn't be willing to spend any longer, no matter what you paid me. Quality of life is more important.

Pawwed Rig

eggy81 wrote: »

No it won't. Half the country is at it.

No they aren't

o1s1n

eggy81 wrote: »

No it won't. Half the country is at it.

Since when does a volume of people doing something have any reflection on how it will impact the OPs life?

Who's to say 'half the country' aren't miserable commuting long distances too?

eggy81

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

No they aren't

Theres a massive amount of people from all over the midlands and North East and West commuting to Dublin every day. Yes its not perfect to have to do it but it doesn't ruin your life .

Gruffalux

And not on buses. It's one thing to drive an hour or so each way in your own car with your own choice of radio, companion, route, independence etc but having spent time depending on them I know buses are just awful. Smelly, too warm, squishy, annoying, lumbering, and did I mention smelly.

angel eyes 2012

Milsawagon wrote: »

Posting under anon account here

Basically my soon to be, separated mother in law is a wagon

Me and the other half live and work in Dublin. The mil is unhappy about this and wants us to move to the back arse of nowhere. She even turns on the tears.

Me and the missus compromised on a town nearby but that's not good enough

I have complex health needs that need to be seen to in Dublin on a regular basis. My family are 200m away from this new location, am I the ass hole here?

I'm ****ing fed up of this **** it makes me wish I was marrying someone from Dublin instead

I'm at a loss what to do so any advice is appreciated and thank you in advance

Your first mistake is not marrying a Dub of course! Only joking.

I have a chronic illness and have to be near a hospital. Lucky we are in walking distance to one and 20 minutes drive from others. This is the aspect you need to concentrate on. Young people often overlook this requirement to be near a hospital when purchasing a house because they generally don't need one until their 60s onwards. Current health policy is towards centralisation and downgrading regional hospitals. You will have to convince your partner that you need to be within reasonable distance in terms of quality of life, not using annual leave to attend hospital appointments which will impact on future holidays etc.

Try not to mention the MIL, she is your partner's mother and it will only cause future agro if the relationship gets worse. House prices are slowly reducing at home too so don't rule out a move back. As soon as you are away from her, it will be much easier to get on with her as you will rarely see her, win win.

Pawwed Rig

eggy81 wrote: »

Theres a massive amount of people from all over the midlands and North East and West commuting to Dublin every day. Yes its not perfect to have to do it but it doesn't ruin your life .

If you do not like your kids and do not mind being tired all the time. Many will do a long commute from a starter home and then upgrade to a place closer after a number of years working. But to plan on 15 hours per week commuting long term is mental. Anyway off topic at this point.

Smee_Again

eggy81 wrote: »

Theres a massive amount of people from all over the midlands and North East and West commuting to Dublin every day. Yes its not perfect to have to do it but it doesn't ruin your life .

It does, long term negative health effects of a long commute are well documented.

11% of workers commute longer than 1 hour to work, significant but not half the country.

eggy81

Gruffalox wrote: »

And not on buses. It's one thing to drive an hour or so each way in your own car with your own choice of radio, companion, route, independence etc but having spent time depending on them I know buses are just awful. Smelly, too warm, squishy, annoying, lumbering, and did I mention smelly.

Well yes. The bus isn't ideal. I do it myself 4 days a week at tge moment driving. I'm around an hour to work right now but I have had 90 minutes at times. I always found it OK if doing 8 hour shifts. Overtime isn't really welcome if your commuting over an hour. It can work though.

Milsawagon

Ah lads you have me pretty confused and uncertain now

Purple Mountain

Get your rest and talk to your fiancée after work tomorrow.
Don't be starting that discussion on route to work tomorrow!
You'll only go into work in sour form.
Best of luck OP.