Cousin being massively inappropriate

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

I get why you would want to avoid any further family drama. I'm all about practising boundaries and direct communication, but when it comes to families that are so often fraught like yours, sometimes you have to preserve your own well-being as a priority and that means picking your battles. In the cold light of day, there are facts and realities about all of our families that would hold up in court, but would serve only to isolate you and work against you within your own family dynamic. Sad fact of life.

If it were me, I'd give creepy cousin the widest berth possible and if he ever came near me again, I'd express in no uncertain terms that any further communication is unwelcome. A simple "I don't wish to talk to you" to shut down any attempts to engage that you can't easily ghost.

I'd also say nothing to the wider family unless asked, but wouldn't hide the fact that you have no relationship with him whatsoever, nor do you wish to have one. Effectively, wipe him out of your life and act as if he doesn't exist from now on.

To be honest the family members on that side of the family I do have a relationship would support me 100% if I were to make a thing of this. I just don't want to. I don't need the drama. I just want to have nothing to do with him or his immediate family and hope he will not approach me if I run in to him.

Hannibal_Smith

Familydynamics wrote: »

What are the chances of him being mortified at his behaviour realistically though? He has done things like this in the past. It was obvious I wasn't entertaining his behaviour and he still kept it up.

I don't like to speculate and thrash people's names even if they are an absolute misguided creep but there was rumours about why he left to go to another country which I only found out about when I spoke to said aunt. Apparently two girls may have cried the R word. I hate even saying this because it could be just rumours.

He said something inappropriate to you in one conversation. You got on well with him before this and there has never been any issue with him that was apparent to you. Its not an ongoing sequence of events. He hasn't tried different ways of contacting you since you blocked him.

Your aunt has since told you that there were rumours about him sending pictures to a colleague and two girls mentioning rape. But this has never come up in conversation before or even mentioned. If there's a family rift, could your aunt be stirring it?

Either way, surely that gives you a more definite way of approaching this, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or smile along enduring any kind of false pleasantries with him. What other way is there?

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He said something inappropriate to you in one conversation. You got on well with him before this and there has never been any issue with him that was apparent to you. Its not an ongoing sequence of events. He hasn't tried different ways of contacting you since you blocked him.

Your aunt has since told you that there were rumours about him sending pictures to a colleague and two girls mentioning rape. But this has never come up in conversation before or even mentioned. If there's a family rift, could your aunt be stirring it?

Either way, surely that gives you a more definite way of approaching this, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or smile along enduring any kind of false pleasantries with him. What other way is there?

The pictures were to someone my aunt knows. The colleagues were a separate incident. This is fact. My aunt isn't stirring anything. The cousins mother is a nasty piece of work and I have been on the receiving end, my aunt isn't stirring anything with her.

I'm sorry but any previous good friendship we had before this goes out the window now. So whether it was a one off or not, the previous cousin family dynamic we had up to this is irrelevant.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm not suggesting you maintain any relationship with him. I've suggested the exact opposite, twice. The cousin's mother is nothing to do with what happened between you and your cousin?

You're afraid to leave your house and walk your dog. You're seeking advice on what to do. My point of looking how he's behaved towards you is in the context of trying to assess whether he is a danger to you to justify your fears.

Tork

So what exactly do you think he's going to do to you if you meet him on the street? I don't want to minimise what happened here but your reaction is a bit over the top. Unless you plan on moving away or living like a hermit for the rest of your days, you're going to have to get some perspective here. Yes, he's a horrible human being and not someone you will want to see when you're walking the dog. I had a relative who was a bad person (won't go into reasons here) and I managed to co-exist very nicely without him impinging much on my life. I avoided him whenever I could, acknowledged him in a barely civil manner when I couldn't and went about my day to day life without giving him much thought. He has since died but it didn't make any great difference to me because I could handle things anyway.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

So what exactly do you think he's going to do to you if you meet him on the street? I don't want to minimise what happened here but your reaction is a bit over the top. Unless you plan on moving away or living like a hermit for the rest of your days, you're going to have to get some perspective here. Yes, he's a horrible human being and not someone you will want to see when you're walking the dog. I had a relative who was a bad person (won't go into reasons here) and I managed to co-exist very nicely without him impinging much on my life. I avoided him whenever I could, acknowledged him in a barely civil manner when I couldn't and went about my day to day life without giving him much thought. He has since died but it didn't make any great difference to me because I could handle things anyway.

I don't think my reaction is the over the top. I feel physically sick at the thoughts of running in to him.