47, male, married: too old to separate?

LegacyUser

At this stage, the days have become weeks which have become years - and these years have been defined, for me, by an unprecedented neglect, loneliness and emotional evisceration.

There have been kind moments of the old love and attention but they’ve always been the result of a now established pattern: a sustained, withering neglect over a period of weeks and months followed by my emotional breakdown and her professions of love and intimacy. But it always takes that for any attention/love/concern. That’s the clear, established pattern. It’s a plainly deeply unhealthy and unsustainable pattern.

It has been years since I’ve felt wanted. A simple thing, which would have been mostly incidental and a signal to move on in my early 20s but now as a 47-year-old cuts to the heart of my very being - not least because there are two children under 6 impeding any such moving on. The kids badly need me, but I acutely feel the years of neglect, loss and isolation now and despite so many breakdowns I still need to ask for her love. Even though we’ve been together for almost 20 years, since the kids came, there’s always something else. It’s like she consistently cannot see me anymore - it’s some bizarre “it’s all about the kids” worldview without any balance or awareness of the pain she’s causing. All the intensity she had for me before the children has been transferred to them. All of it. No balance. There’s no infidelity or drug abuse or anything like that.

Each time I bring it to a head I’m told how much she loves me and is committed to this “marriage” even though she noted our poor “relationship”. The words over, the old absence of touch, conversation and communication is reinstated as the default position of this relationship. I know exactly what I need from a partner, but I can’t do this demeaning begging for it anymore. I’m very good at my job, but this week my eyes and voice just welled up very noticeably when speaking in front of colleagues as I’m just overwhelmed with loneliness and consciousness of ageing and wasted years.

Even though I desperately need the softness and touch of a loving woman, i feel I need to go somewhere and cry my eyes out and try and recover from this relationship and essentially it will be years more before I can feel loved again. I’m struggling to keep it together, and every time I explore the practicalities of leaving it seems like a world of ineffable darkness. Meanwhile, the days become weeks which become years.

Is there any light for a man of my age with two little children or do I need to find healthy ways of living with loneliness in this marriage for the rest of my life (if such ways exist)? Thank you.

kerryjack

Kids under 6 are hard work and they need you right now, and it can be hard to find time for a bit of loving. Everyone shows love in different ways looking after someone when sick, cooking meals or just being there through bad times. I would enjoy these few years with your young family because before you know it they will be all grown up and doing there own thing. There is a lot of people that would love to get those years back and would have done things differently.

Pkiernan

kerryjack wrote: »

Kids under 6 are hard work and they need you right now, and it can be hard to find time for a bit of loving. Everyone shows love in different ways looking after someone when sick, cooking meals or just being there through bad times. I would enjoy these few years with your young family because before you know it they will be all grown up and doing there own thing. There is a lot of people that would love to get those years back and would have done things differently.

Awful, awful advice. Didn't you read how sad this man is?

OP...you need counselling. You won't get anything useful advice from wanna be psychologists on the Internet.

LegacyUser

Only you know if this relationship can , or is even worth salvaging. But one things for sure- things need to change. 47 is absolutely not old. And to be clear, your happiness is just as important as your kids-and your wife's. Also- Kids are pretty astute. If not now, then later they will pick up on the cues. Give counselling a shot, your wife might start to think this is getting serious. Make it clear this is a solid attempt at addressing the issues and you're not prepared to continue as is.

But always remember "It takes a strong person to choose to be single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something".

kerryjack

Pkiernan wrote: »

Awful, awful advice. Didn't you read how sad this man is?

OP...you need counselling. You won't get anything useful advice from wanna be psychologists on the Internet.

True indeed I did see how sad he was and as a man around the same age and has kids I was just trying to show the man that happiness and love could be right there staring him in the face , his kids.

kerry cow

get over yourself man , that's married life ,
you wife is a good mother , that's what a good mother does , raises her children with all her soul .
she does love you, but right now she loves ,yer children .

be a good husband and bring home the bacon , when the kids grow up you'll get that girl you married back , it may be 10 yrs away , but it will happen , you need to get a activity and maybe help her with her chores and get time for a walk or something in evening if you could get someone to keep a eye on the kids for a hour and maybe catch the cinema or a bite out one evening a week , that's as good as it will probably get for now .
you wife is probably run off her feet and wrecked by the time the kids go to bed .
it help she probably needs , which in turn will lead to other things that you want ,
but really get a grip man .
thinking of getting another woman is the answer , really ,

question .
do you really love your wife .
if yes

then make it work

stateofflux

kerry cow wrote: »

get over yourself man , that's married life ,
you wife is a good mother , that's what a good mother does , raises her children with all her soul .
she does love you, but right now she loves ,yer children .

be a good husband and bring home the bacon , when the kids grow up you'll get that girl you married back , it may be 10 yrs away , but it will happen , you need to get a activity and maybe help her with her chores and get time for a walk or something in evening if you could get someone to keep a eye on the kids for a hour and maybe catch the cinema or a bite out one evening a week , that's as good as it will probably get for now .
you wife is probably run off her feet and wrecked by the time the kids go to bed .
it help she probably needs , which in turn will lead to other things that you want ,
but really get a grip man .
thinking of getting another woman is the answer , really ,

question .
do you really love your wife .
if yes

then make it work

Awful advice imo.

OP from the sounds of it the marriage is effectively over.

If you are in Hell then id consider councelling or seperation. Seperation is tough on kids but they will resent you more for being a self hating dad in a loveless marriage, where you cant be an effective and loving father. A happy dad is a loving dad.

47 is fairly young, plenty of time left... its irrational to think otherwise.

Best of luck

screamer

Your post is heart breaking to read. No one should have to beg for affection or to be loved. Marriage is hard work, and you have to work at it. Kids just compound the hardship. Yes, they are amazing little people and enrich our lives, but they take so much of the focus and energy you have it’s tough going. You see so many couples who split when their kids finish secondary school, because like this so much goes into their kids upbringing, they end up as strangers living under the same roof, that which was common to them now gone ( kids).
Do you love her? If you don’t then really Op with the best will in the works, there’s no saving the relationship. If you do love her, you need to speak with her, and I’d say councilling for you both is needed, because her behaviour seems to revert to usual. Perhaps she also has things she needs from you, and councilling might be that space for you both to share your needs and wants and try to find some common ground and build your relationship back strong and healthy. Please mind yourself, your little kids need you, and love you very much, don’t forget that.

eviltwin

God Kerryjack that’s awful advice. His children aren’t a substitute for a bad marriage, that’s a terrible burden to put on them.

kerryjack

Ya maybe I am old school, I put my family first if they are happy I am happy. and if I start something I like to finish it. If you have kids you don't bale out on them.

Sammy2012

Wow what terrible advice from posters above. The man is clearly very unhappy. I had 2 kids under 8 and even though they are a little bit older than the OPs myself and my husband find lots of time for each other. We don't go out much now due to Covid but will sit on the sofa and chat and watch TV together or get a take away and catch up.

Marriage is hard work. Believe me I know. We have had some rocky years since we got married but communication and affection is key to surviving these in my opinion. I have been where you are. Feeling overcome by emotion and sadness and the most inappropriate of times.

You need to talk to your wife. You need to make her understand how you feel. And if you both feel nothing can be done to fix your relationship you need to explore other options. Children are resilient and even if you both separate they will still love you once you show them you are happy. Happy parents make for happy children.

Sammy2012

kerryjack wrote: »

Ya maybe I am old school, I put my family first if they are happy I am happy. and if I start something I like to finish it. If you have kids you don't bale out on them.

He never said he wanted to bale out on them. I know lots of people who co-parent successfully. Children are happy and loved. Why waste your life being unhappy. That will have a much worse affect on the child.

kerry cow

counselling sounds good , you need to get your head in the right space , then you can understand where you are

antix80

What a wistful post, op.

I think you'll find that she did transfer a lot of her energy to her kids. It seems to be a woman thing, initially they transfer their energy from their friends to their partner. As a man i think women can appear ruthless in that regard.

So, you're a little old to be told this but men and women are very different. If all you had before were a wife and a job, it must be very confusing for you.

Best you can do is have friends to meet regularly - even better if you share hobbies or interests, quality time with your kids-both with your wife but just as importantly (now they're getting older, especially if they're boys) independently from your wife; and work on your relationship knowing the dynamics are different than before you had kids.

zerosugarbuzz

kerryjack wrote: »

Ya maybe I am old school, I put my family first if they are happy I am happy. and if I start something I like to finish it. If you have kids you don't bale out on them.

Excellent advice imo. You can put yourself first before you have children and after they are grown up, in between times you put them first. Unless you’re a total twat of course.

KaneToad

Those who have already experienced separation/divorce themselves are likely to recommend this - it reaffirms to them that the choices they made were correct.

ladystardust

zerosugarbuzz wrote: »

Excellent advice imo. You can put yourself first before you have children and after they are grown up, in between times you put them first. Unless you’re a total twat of course.

I would counter by saying that being in a happy home and not being desperately unhappy IS putting the kids first. Children are like emotional sponges. They know when things are not right. Plastered on smiles and pretending to be happy is so detrimental to both adults and the children they care for.
There is some very distressing advice coming from a surprising amount of posters here. The 'shut up and put up' brigade are out en force today OP. You need real advice and help from real people. If this is an historic and cyclical problem it might not hurt to look into marriage counselling. And if she isn't up for that, then your own. It is important that you feel that you have an outlet for your emotions. The amount of people here who are obviously oblivious to that is amazing to me. Best of luck OP.

eviltwin

KaneToad wrote: »

Those who have already experienced separation/divorce themselves are likely to recommend this - it reaffirms to them that the choices they made were correct.

Well I’m not divorced so there goes that theory. I was a child of unhappy parents who stayed together and I’ve experience of the huge damage that can do to a young child and their view of what a relationship should be. Don’t do it to your kids OP.

Sesame

I read this and felt for the wife to be honest. When you say affection, do you mean sex? It does read like that from what you describe.
Your wife is giving attention to the children and not as much to you because they are little and needy. You are an adult and not as needy and your wife probably can expect you to support her and the kids until the point at which they become less needy, a gradual transition.

If you love her and want more "affection" maybe clean the kitchen; there really is nothing sexier. I'm not being fascious, really I mean it. When my husband takes an active role in normally women type work, or puts a child up on his shoulders or cooks me a special dinner from scratch, I see him in a different light and find it really attractive.

LegacyUser

47 is not too old to change your life for the better. It sounds like you are living in a very lonely, loveless and mentally stressful environment which can’t be good for either you or your wife. The first thing to do is discuss the relationship with your wife to establish how she feels, she may be struggling along just like you are or maybe she doesn’t understand the loneliness you are feeling.
Counselling is next, it might help bring you both closer or it might establish that you are poles apart, it it helps uncover how both of you are feeling if you both willingly participate.

I’ve been in your situation and we separated, I was around your age at the time. It’s a stressful thing to go through, once solicitors get involved you’ll know that everything you built together is to be split out in some way. If you’re going down that route my advice is don’t move out of the family home while things are being agreed. Just keep in mind that if you retain communication with your wife you can both agree a separation that suits you all. If even thinking of separation go see a solicitor now rather than listening to horror stories about others, every settlement is different and a solicitor can advise on the viability of you becoming the primary parent if your wife is suffering mental health issues.

Be prepared for the stress of it all but as others have said it is better in the long run for your children to see the real happy you rather than living in a home where you have effectively given up on proper companionship and love.

strandroad

Cumha wrote: »

Is there any light for a man of my age with two little children or do I need to find healthy ways of living with loneliness in this marriage for the rest of my life (if such ways exist)? Thank you.

OP it's hard to give any advice without knowing where your wife's at with her own headspace, with two under sixes in the house.

Is she happy and content, with ample time for her own interests and activities? Has she cast you away because her love has burned out but it's inconvenient to make changes?

Or is she exhausted and only surviving day by day, with no energy left for affection or taking emotional care of anyone other than the children where it's not optional?

These are fundamentally very different scenarios, the first one is leading towards a split but the second one you can both grow out of with some help.

irishblessing

The bad advice here is shocking and glaringly devoid of any empathy whatsoever. Probably miserable people who find these forums to vent their bitterness, instead of being attracted here for the right reasons in genuine helpfulness. Wow.

OP, a strong marriage is the bedrock of a happy family. Any spouse who ignores the other to such an extreme degree isn't healthy and is actually counter to being the best parent and example. It's in the children's best interest to have a strong parent unit and happy family life. Children will one day grow and leave and so where does this lady think your relationship will be after decades of turning away from you? How very sad, and I will say no one deserves this level of neglect from their spouse, who most likely uttered vows to the opposite of her actions now.

My advice is to find an adept therapist who can help you two try get on the right path traveling in the same direction. We all have needs and her neglect of you is not healthy or loving and the soul destroying affect it is having on you is plain to see. I hope she'll agree to work with you and invest in her relationship again, which is what you and your children deserve. Healthy models and a happy home life. Best of luck to you. And definitely try upping your cleaning around the house and book a regular sitter.

osarusan

In so many threads on here, the advice is for the guy to do more housework, give his wife a break, etc. Yet, if the guy posts that he is doing loads of housework and looking after the kids so she can get a break but she still isn't interested in sex, the responses will be along the lines of how none of that entitles him to sex.

I think some of the advice on this thread so far is just awful, and paints a grim picture of what people think marriage/family involves.


OP, your wife doesn't fancy you any more. The real question here is whether that's an issue for her - does she also wish things were different and that the old desire was still there, or is she satisfied with how things are now. She needs to want things to change. Right now, it seems like she's not interested in you, and she's fine with not being interested in you - it's not a problem for her. When you bring it up, she tells you what you want to hear, then things go back to the new normal.

punisher5112

Anyone else consider she is more then happy now as she got her kids before her clock ran out and has fallen back to how she likes it....
No affection and no sex either....
There are actually quite a lot like this.

Op it's a tough one and to be honest counseling doesn't really do much unless both are on board and willing to work on things.....

bitofabind

The most damage that has been done to me as a human has been the disregard and compete invalidation of my feelings. Stop being unreasonable, that’s not how things are etc. Advice like this is harmful, irresponsible and probably comes from people that have no place giving advice in the first place.

Please disregard these posts OP. Your needs are your needs. Love, compassion, intimacy and being heard are basic human needs. The lack of those is trauma. You don’t want to wind up with decade long emotional problems as a result of putting the bootstraps on and getting on with things as others would suggest. Kids are impressionable and modelling this to them will cause a legacy of misery for the family.

Marriage counselling is an obvious path to take. Have you suggested this? If not, start with your own therapy. I can’t tell you how transformative it will be in your life to have a safe space to be honest about all of this. Do you have any outsets outside of the family, a friendship circle or a regular hobby? Try to stay healthy outside of this, your fitness, sleep, watch the drink etc. I wish you the best. There is life beyond this.

BuboBubo

punisher5112 wrote: »

Anyone else consider she is more then happy now as she got her kids before her clock ran out and has fallen back to how she likes it....
No affection and no sex either....
There are actually quite a lot like this.

Op it's a tough one and to be honest counseling doesn't really do much unless both are on board and willing to work on things.....

As a woman of similar age to op (but with no kids) I can tell you hormonal shifts can wreak havoc on a good sex life. My GP has been an absolute rock in this regard, depression can set in, along with physical changes, it's upsetting and difficult to face. I've been there, it's tough and lonely, even when you aren't really alone.

Talk to her, even suggest a trip to the GP as a couple if she isn't feeling herself.

If you aren't willing to work through it, separation might be the better option.

Edit to add, you aren't too old.

DoozerT6

I'm guessing if the OP was a woman, in a seemingly loveless relationship where her partner sidelined and ignored her in favour of their kids, the advice here would be a lot different.

OP, honestly I have no concrete advice for you as I have no experience of relationships. But your post was heartbreaking to read, and if your wife is as distant and unresponsive as you say, then I would suggest that you INSIST on marriage counselling. If she refuses, go to counselling by yourself. She'll see you are serious then.

If things still don't work within a finite period (decided by you/both of you), then sadly it may be time to end things.

And you are not too old. There are women of a similar age out there, myself included, who would just LOVE someone to be in love with and share life with as we get older. Unlike me, you found it before, surely you can find it again.

Padre_Pio

Christ, some of the advice here is straight out of the 1970's.

Go to counselling. You need to get everything out on the table.

You've already spent the better part of a decade miserable and lonely, why put yourself through more years of it? Your children will be fine, they need two parents who love them and it seems like they have that.

You have marital issues and no one here can give you the formula to solve them. Go to.counselling, even just yourself at the start and see if your feelings are rational.

There are thousands like you in a similar situation, stuck in a marriage for the sake of the kids and trying to keep up appearances for friends and family. We'll f*ck that. You only have one life, you may as well be happy.

Hotblack Desiato

ladystardust wrote: »

There is some very distressing advice coming from a surprising amount of posters here. The 'shut up and put up' brigade are out en force today OP.

Somehow I doubt they'd tell a woman in those circumstances to put up and shut up.

OP unfortunately there are serious downsides to fathering kids in your 40s and this can be one of them. Assuming your wife is of similar age to you, looking after young kids in your 40s is very physically and emotionally draining. Chances are she has a full time job too, could you be doing more around the house and with the kids?

Definitely get counselling, ideally couples counselling if your wife will agree, but if not do it yourself anyway.

Best of luck OP.

Sesame

punisher5112 wrote: »

Anyone else consider she is more then happy now as she got her kids before her clock ran out and has fallen back to how she likes it....
No affection and no sex either....
There are actually quite a lot like this.

Em, women like sex too though! Most do and having children doesn't necessarily mean they got what that wanted and that's the end of the sex life. Women want to feel attractive, touched and respected too.
I feel for this man's wife. He's needy. He said " I know exactly what I need from a partner, but I can’t do this demeaning begging for it anymore."
Begging and whinging for sex is a turn off. Sorry to be brutal but the more you ask the less likely you are to get it. There are other approaches to take to get the physical side of the relationship back on track.

Mongfinder General

It made me feel sad reading the OP's post. A lot of posters are recommending counselling but the two people who know the marriage best are the two people in it. It could just be an exercise in stating the obvious and it could also bring a day of reckoning sooner than you'd wish for.

The classic and and critical mistake in a lot of failed marriages is putting the kids first. The husband and wife's relationship has to be paramount. Otherwise, the bedrock of the family unit cracks. An unhappy husband or wife will, over time, erode the relationship, which then either develops into a long term unhappy marriage or separation.
What you need to do is be ready for foreseeable eventualities. These could be years away or may never happen. But you need a plan. If the plug is pulled on your marriage, I can tell you that no matter how good a father you are, the family law court will not be kind. You will most likely have to move out of the family home and reach an arrangement to financially support your family - this is not always fair.
I'll get slaughtered for this but it may be worthwhile trying to save a few quid so that you don't end up on your backside.

TheadoreT

OP you sound a little whiny, it's not an attractive quality if your wife sees too much of that side of you. Too many people dont put enough stock into the chemical side of attraction and how to keep a woman interested and end up in these celibate marriages. Usually due to being overly amenable to wives over years and holding too much of your self worth in their validation.

Its probably too late to rescue as once these things go it's hard to salvage so you should either accept that this is it until your kids are grown up or make the difficult decision to part. You'll get all sorts of advice from couples therapy to helping out more at home but none of that is likely to bring back her sexual interest in you.

Padre_Pio

TheadoreT wrote: »

OP you sound a little whiny, it's not an attractive quality if your wife sees too much of that side of you.

This forum brings out the worst in people sometimes.

I don't know how any of you can be so judgemental of a situation you know nothing about. You're reading into a single post from a man who's at his wits end and we get victim blaming sh*te like this.

ladystardust

TheadoreT wrote: »

OP you sound a little whiny, it's not an attractive quality if your wife sees too much of that side of you. Too many people dont put enough stock into the chemical side of attraction and how to keep a woman interested and end up in these celibate marriages. Usually due to being overly amenable to wives over years and holding too much of your self worth in their validation.

Its probably too late to rescue as once these things go it's hard to salvage so you should either accept that this is it until your kids are grown up or make the difficult decision to part. You'll get all sorts of advice from couples therapy to helping out more at home but none of that is likely to bring back her sexual interest in you.

Just..... my god. OP if you are still reading these replies, don't do it to yourself . Toxic BS rampant today. Go get help. Go talk to someone. Talk to your wife. Having problems isnt being whiny, its just human.

Hannibal_Smith

Would you try marriage counselling OP? Or do you think you're passed that? It does sound like you love your wife and the issue is you feel it's not reciprocated? If it was would you want to stay?

Looking back to when my two were under 6 it was mainly about them. They were full on during waking hours. The one benefit of them being so lively during the day was that they were in bed by 7 and we used that part of the day to chat and try to catch up. So there are ways and means of making time for each other.

You're right when you say your wife's focus shouldn't be 100% on the kids. That's not healthy for you, or for her to be honest.

If she promises the moon and stars to try and focus more on you, it can be said that at least she wants to try? It's just a matter of putting it into practice. Maybe she just needs to be told by a third party and marriage counselling is a way of doing that?

Other than that, no 47 isn't too old to start again. If you feel it's genuinely over then feeling lonely with someone doesn't have to be something you have to just accept.

TheadoreT

Padre_Pio wrote: »

This forum brings out the worst in people sometimes.

I don't know how any of you can be so judgemental of a situation you know nothing about. You're reading into a single post from a man who's at his wits end and we get victim blaming sh*te like this.

It's a problem as old as time. Any forums like these most prevalent issues is married men complaining about loss of intimacy/sex/affection, desperate to do anything to resolve it. They all get the same cliched advise that gets them nowhere. Plenty come back saying nothing has worked despite following all advise. Rinse repeat ×1000 threads a year.

Fact is by the time they ask it's usually far too late. Hard truths may save him another 10 years of misery.

Also very few have actually addressed the question in his title. 47 is of course not too old to separate. Its only about halfway through life by modern living standards, and seems by far the best option in this scenario if personal happiness is a priority in his life.

bobbyy gee

i would go for therapy or marriage counseling
to me it looks like its over.idf you did not want to
move out of house put shed in garden they are like small houses then you still see the children
everyone coming up to 50 has midlife crisis and covid makes it worse

Jenneke87

Was this thread in AH first and then later moved here? I can't believe some of the reactions here..

You sounds incredibly lonely, and your post was a tough read. It read as though affection wise, your wife is giving you the bare minimum; a little bit every time you fall apart, enough to patch things over for a few weeks, rinse and repeat. Why that is only she can tell; maybe she is unaware of what she's doing, maybe she really doesn't want to be affectionate in any kind of way (women who don't want sex will often avoid any kind of intimacy or affection out of fear that he'll want more), maybe there is another reason.

Can you see yourself going on like this for another year? Two? Five? Ten? You're halfway through your lifespan at this point, and you sound utterly miserable. You really need to sit down with your wife and ask the hard questions and then make your decision to leave or stay.

cj maxx

No you’re not to old in separate. And god I hope there still time for you to find a proper partner, for you
Good luck

cannotlogin

Some of the advice on this forum today has been really poor, cold, and misguided.

You're only human and I don't think you are asking for too much by wanting some affection from your wife. Constant rejection chips away at people so I fully get where you are coming from.

Can you try talking to her again and see if there's anyway she can understand that things need to change? Does she realise her marraige is in jeopardy? Does she care?

If there's even a glimmer of hope, you could try reintroducing date night or ensuring you spend time alone, away from the kids. Explore the possibility of counselling, maybe even get some alone if your wife won't partake.

And 47 is still young either way, you still have half your life to go.

Kylta

Each day you wake up means your alive and living. A couple of years ago separated from my partner of over 10yrs. I was 53( at present I single but its purely through choice, my choice,) So you have plenty of time to live and start over if that's what you want to do?

I can understand why relationships breakdown, my marriage ended just before I turned 40. When you people begin relationships theirs a certain novelty to it. Love, sex, romance, a new lease of life. But as relationships grow and things start to turn into something more solid, marriage, mortgages, children, then things can start to change within the relationship, other worries will often take precendent over personal things. When children come along its a whole new ball game altogether, their small and their needy and their needs need to be catered for (I couldn't count how many times I was in the middle of sex, only to hear one of the children screaming with a nighmare or something else during the night). So has aparent you have to allow for these and other things.
I'm curious did you deliberately choose to have children late in your relationship and whose idea was it?
The other thing I see in your post is how it's all about you? If tomorrow you were single and by chance you met somebody and further down the line maybe a year or two later, if the same intensity wasn't in your relationship would you leave her?

I think the first thing OP might actually need to get is family counselling, I might be wrong but it seems since the children came along he's face seems to be put out a little because the love and attention he was used to getting seems to be transferred to the children.
If you not a selfish person that requires everything in life to be about oneself, then I truly believe family counselling will help you solve your issue

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

To quote part of your post:

"Even though I desperately need the softness and touch of a loving woman..."

Why don't you just go out and find that?

There are plenty of women in a similar situation who would only be too glad to have someone to talk to and who understands what they're going through.

hayoc

OP - you are not too old to leave a bad relationship, at any age.

But, do you want to work on your marriage or leave it?

Staying for the kids is a bad idea, the healthiest environment for kids is one where they have happy parents, not two people living under the same roof unhappy in their marriage. Kids form their sense of a what a relationship IS from watching their parents marriage and they are astute. Do you want them to grow up watching you be so unhappy?

First up Id say you need to go to therapy for yourself. And then you need to decide if you want to do marriage therapy with your wife (if she will do so). Then as a culmination of the above, you need to decide if you want to stay as you are or separate.

Someone told me once, this aint no dress rehearsal, this is show night, and you only get one shot at it. So dont waste your shot being miserable, change your life to be what you want it to be.

Doing nothing will solve nothing.

popa smurf

Interesting tread this and thanks to the mods for leaving it run, good healthy discussion
should he stay or should he go, I am a little older than the OP 4 kids a wife with a bad back a broken heart after losing her mother lately and maybe starting to get a bit minapausal if that's the right word, she starting to get a bit flustered so we are in for a bumpy ride excuse the pun or maybe not as the case may be. She still manages to look good and a smile everynow and than, Thank God for pornhub that's all I say keeps many a man on the straight and narrow and puts most of us to sleep with a smile on our face. Personally I don't think 50 and 60 year olds are at it like rabbits. That's just the reality for a lot of men if they were honest. Contentment is what your after OP and be proud of your wife and your kids and enjoy the small stuff.

redfox123

popa smurf wrote: »

Interesting tread this and thanks to the mods for leaving it run, good healthy discussion
should he stay or should he go, I am a little older than the OP 4 kids a wife with a bad back a broken heart after losing her mother lately and maybe starting to get a bit minapausal if that's the right word, she starting to get a bit flustered so we are in for a bumpy ride excuse the pun or maybe not as the case may be. She still manages to look good and a smile everynow and than, Thank God for pornhub that's all I say keeps many a man on the straight and narrow and puts most of us to sleep with a smile on our face. Personally I don't think 50 and 60 year olds are at it like rabbits. That's just the reality for a lot of men if they were honest. Contentment is what your after OP and be proud of your wife and your kids and enjoy the small stuff.

You say she still ‘manages’ to look good then go on to say thank god for pornhub. If that’s marriage I’ll say NO thanks.

OP putting myself in your wife’s shoes from reading that this is what I would honestly think. I would not know where to start to deal with the way you feel. It would be like all your emotions and happiness are dependent on how I treat you, like you’re watching me constantly waiting for any sign of affection and analyzing everything. I would not want you around me being honest. All I really want is your help. You’re looking for so much love and romance when it is barely on my radar because two small human lives are dependent on me caring for them completely. It would feel like a third child.
This is not being unempathetic. You have to try and understand your wife’s position. Chances are she does not fancy you anymore because of your attitude.

I have a good friend who recently left her marriage. She didnt fancy him any more and she has a 3 year old. Do you know what she did say?
If he had of been more forth coming with affection without expecting anything in return, had stopped being so needy and just little things like compliment her and be romantic even after so many years together, she would not have left. She asked so many times for them to do marriage counseling, he wasn’t interested.

The whole situation needs changing. And the change needs to come from you. You are waiting on your wife to change. Stop. She won’t, not until you change and then she *wants* to change herself.
You know what you need from your partner? Well what are you giving? What love are you providing?

You need to sit down and talk and ask her does she want it to work. Tell her you are miserable and it seems she is not interested. Ask her what does she want you to do?
It may be the end but the tough discussions are needed.

popa smurf

redfox123 wrote: »

You say she still ‘manages’ to look good then go on to say thank god for pornhub. If that’s marriage I’ll say NO thanks.

OP putting myself in your wife’s shoes from reading that this is what I would honestly think. I would not know where to start to deal with the way you feel. It would be like all your emotions and happiness are dependent on how I treat you, like you’re watching me constantly waiting for any sign of affection and analyzing everything. I would not want you around me being honest. All I really want is your help. You’re looking for so much love and romance when it is barely on my radar because two small human lives are dependent on me caring for them completely. It would feel like a third child.
This is not being unempathetic. You have to try and understand your wife’s position. Chances are she does not fancy you anymore because of your attitude.

I have a good friend who recently left her marriage. She didnt fancy him any more and she has a 3 year old. Do you know what she did say?
If he had of been more forth coming with affection without expecting anything in return, had stopped being so needy and just little things like compliment her and be romantic even after so many years together, she would not have left. She asked so many times for them to do marriage counseling, he wasn’t interested.

The whole situation needs changing. And the change needs to come from you. You are waiting on your wife to change. Stop. She won’t, not until you change and then she *wants* to change herself.
You know what you need from your partner? Well what are you giving? What love are you providing?

You need to sit down and talk and ask her does she want it to work. Tell her you are miserable and it seems she is not interested. Ask her what does she want you to do?
It may be the end but the tough discussions are needed.

Porn is like going to a McDonald's drive through in stead of sitting down for a 4 course lunch its quick and easy and you don't need to get the go ahead from herself, it's all right for a while but it's nice to sit down for the full lunch as well.

Kalimah

I think some of the responses here have been terrible - from the OP sorting himself out with porn, to that's how all marriages end up, to help more around the house etc. From someone who has been married over thirty years, and having had small children close in age I can only tell of my own experience and advise accordingly.

We always made time for one another even when the kids were small. It didn't have to be much, chatting over a glass of wine when the kids were in bed, sneaking a kiss in the kitchen over dinner. We didn't have a whole lot of money then but we were always on the same page - our relationship was as important as the kids and that's always been the way. There is room for both.

I see a deeply unhappy man in the OP who is crying out for affection and warmth from his wife. He shouldn't have to beg for a few crumbs from her. She's neglectful of his needs and selfish and uses the kids as an excuse. They only have two, not twelve. I'd say it's like so many problems that I read about here - some women want kids, nice house etc etc but they won't work at a marriage. It does take work, you have to be unselfish, communicative, willing to have a bit of fun, not sweat the small stuff, tolerant. You might be married 50 years - who wants that to feel like a life sentence?

OP - I'd suggest some marriage counselling. Go on your own first, and see how you feel after talking it all out with a neutral observer. See if your wife will go after that with or without you. If she won't then you have your answer.

And there is no shame in separating if it doesn't work out. You're only 47 - I'm ten years older. You've done another 30 or 40 years of life left - why be miserable?

I wish you all the best, and all the luck in the world - you sound like a lovely guy.

Padre_Pio

Kalimah wrote: »

And there is no shame in separating if it doesn't work out. You're only 47 - I'm ten years older. You've done another 30 or 40 years of life left - why be miserable?

This is fantastic advice.
I second going to see someone by yourself, even just for a sounding board. It's easy to inflate things in your own head and when you verbalise it, it's actually much smaller.

Just a note on the above. OP, you could easily have 50 years of life ahead of you, more than every day if your life lived so far. Don't be unhappy.

It's a lot easier to be alone and lonely, at least you have options, than in a relationship and lonely where you may be trapped.

Emme

OP you're a 47 year old man, of course it's not too late to separate. You'll be a hot commodity on the dating scene and you will find a younger, sexier and more attractive woman than your wife in no time. Why should you put up with a worn out wife who has been with you for 20 year or more and is by now starting to get a bit stale? Add to that the tiredness from 2 children under 6 and a job, she won't be looking too good. You can see the kids at the weekends and in between that live the life with a new young hot partner or a succession of young hot women, it's your choice. Walk out that door and the world will be your oyster.

Seriously you need to consider your children. I don't recall you mentioning them very much. Do you love your children? Did you have the children to try and save a flagging relationship? That's not good. I would advise you and your wife to go for relationship counselling. You both need professional advice before making any drastic decisions.

Jenneke87

^^

I don't know how you could have read that OP and come with this snarky and (somewhat) bitter reply. You're acting like he's trying to ditch his wife at the first hurdle...

Neyite

You aren't too old to separate. You could be halfway through your life so that's a long time to feel lonely. Often being lonely with someone is worse than being lonely on your own.

Firstly it's probably worthwhile to get counselling - just to straighten out your thoughts and feelings and do some analytics on it. Separating is going to be a massive upheaval for not only you, but your wife, the children and the wider family - that's not to say you should put their feelings before yours, only that it's a decision that should be made on absolute certainty knowing that you are walking away from something that can't be saved.
When you've gotten things straighten out a bit in your own head, then you could ask your wife to join you in counselling if you feel like she won't listen to you on your own. She might welcome the opportunity to tell you some things bothering her as well?

Counselling can also be used to help a couple communicate effectively and civilly while separating so even if you feel that's where you are headed, it could still be useful to help work out how to separate with the minimum amount of upheaval for all involved.