Dad hiding alcohol in child's water bottle

L2020

neonsofa wrote: »

I wish you and your family the best. Hopefully this was his wake up call, although I know from experience that sometimes people need a few of these before it finally hits home.

Just on the school point. I know you said you will be getting in touch with them so there may be no need to say this, but I would be extremely concerned that they didn't raise it with you. What if your child never said anything to you, you'd be none the wiser about the extent of their dads problem. You wouldn't have known to have a talk with your son and reassure him. Maybe, as others have said, the teacher raised it within the school, but if it had been my child and they didn't inform me, I'd be getting on to them first thing to discuss their duty of care to the child in a situation like this, and to be additionally alert to anything else like this in future.

To send the child home without giving a heads up to a parent seems a little negligent, although admittedly i am viewing that from the point of view of someone who wouldnt be defensive to it being raised with me- they aren't to know who the beer belongs to or how the parent would react to being told about it, so maybe im being naive about them raising it directly. I would hope it would have been dealt with in some capacity in the school though, even if just from a point of keeping an eye on the child. I would definitely be asking about that though.

Thank you. It could be all to come. It literally only happened at 2.30pm on friday so they may have had to discuss it before contacting me. I'll be expecting something on monday, and if not, I would be disappointed as you said.. this literally all happened by chance or I'd be none the wiser.

neonsofa

L2020 wrote: »

Thank you. It could be all to come. It literally only happened at 2.30pm on friday so they may have had to discuss it before contacting me. I'll be expecting something on monday, and if not, I would be disappointed as you said.. this literally all happened by chance or I'd be none the wiser.

Hopefully that is the case. Try relax over the weekend. Easier said than done, I know. Look after yourself.

JustAThought

I wouod be reluctant to get the school involved as they will have to trigger child protection alerts with Tulsa and you din’t want your kids to be saddled with social welfare caseworkers and the stigma this would involve with their peers.

Is your kids water
bottle metallic/insulated? Probably why he was using it to disguise his beer in...hides it and keeps it icy cold. If your old partner is hiding his drinking from his g/f and your child knows he goes into the kitchen for a drink but never brings one out as his g/f dosn’t drink/approve then perhaps there is more going on than meets the eye. Rather than barring your /his children from spending time with him could you ensure his g/f is there when they visit? At least you will know there is at least one 100% sober adult in the house and children still need their father - at least this way you know there is a safetynet. Addicts/ex addicts can never really be fully trusted to he sober/clean but even the courts will recognise he is still their father and they need him. Don’t get sucked down the rabbit hole of trying to cure your ex - his current g/f will not thank you and you need yo be free of the stress of it to be there for your children and new partner fully and emotionally.

L2020

JustAThought wrote: »

I wouod be reluctant to get the school involved as they will have to trigger child protection alerts with Tulsa and you din’t want your kids to be saddled with social welfare caseworkers and the stigma this would involve with their peers.

Is your kids water
bottle metallic/insulated? Probably why he was using it to disguise his beer in...hides it and keeps it icy cold. If your old partner is hiding his drinking from his g/f and your child knows he goes into the kitchen for a drink but never brings one out as his g/f dosn’t drink/approve then perhaps there is more going on than meets the eye. Rather than barring your /his children from spending time with him could you ensure his g/f is there when they visit? At least you will know there is at least one 100% sober adult in the house and children still need their father - at least this way you know there is a safetynet. Addicts/ex addicts can never really be fully trusted to he sober/clean but even the courts will recognise he is still their father and they need him. Don’t get sucked down the rabbit hole of trying to cure your ex - his current g/f will not thank you and you need yo be free of the stress of it to be there for your children and new partner fully and emotionally.

Thank you for your advice, no the bottle is plastic..
He has admitted his problem to me and is going to talk to his girlfriend and father today and then make a plan to get help. I will then talk to his girlfriend and make sure she is fully present when the kids visit, as they cannot not see their dad indefinitely. It wouldnt be fair on anyone.

Zarco

Social welfare is there to help

The alerts are there for a good reason

JustAThought

L2020 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice, no the bottle is plastic..
He has admitted his problem to me and is going to talk to his girlfriend and father today and then make a plan to get help. I will then talk to his girlfriend and make sure she is fully present when the kids visit, as they cannot not see their dad indefinitely. It wouldnt be fair on anyone.

Best of luck with it. Addicts are remarkably selfish and calculating for their own needs - I doubt if he has got to the stage of hiding beer in childrens bottles that he has just suddenly lapsed - more just suddenly been caught. If he is not violent/abusive His kids will love him regardless - smart move making sure the partner is there but step back from all the shennanigans - addicts take and will take forever - you have to focus on your mental health and new relationship not the old looped past replaying itself and trampling over your future.

L2020

JustAThought wrote: »

Best of luck with it. Addicts are remarkably selfish and calculating for their own needs - I doubt if he has got to the stage of hiding beer in childrens bottles that he has just suddenly lapsed - more just suddenly been caught. If he is not violent/abusive His kids will love him regardless - smart move making sure the partner is there but step back from all the shennanigans - addicts take and will take forever - you have to focus on your mental health and new relationship not the old looped past replaying itself and trampling over your future.

Yes you are 100% right. No he is not violent or abusive, thankfully. His girlfriend is very sensible and responsible and from what he said she is already on his case about it, hence the hiding it.

JustAThought

L2020 wrote: »

Yes you are 100% right. No he is not violent or abusive, thankfully. His girlfriend is very sensible and responsible and from what he said she is already on his case about it, hence the hiding it.

Some leopards like their spots and have no intentions of changing them - only using better camaflague. He has a new world and gf and is a nice man l, you have created a happy new
life for yourself and your kids have a loving and good relationship with their father - an addiction is forever and addicts are highly needy and clever - don’t be caught in that ‘fixing’ and ‘caring’ trap. Look after your new relationship and your life - don’t be sucked back into him and his. Let him love and know his children and focus on your future and leave his g/f to the life and problems and man you left to have a better future. Best of Luck : )

shesty

I would have a word quietly yourself with the teacher though...just so she knows you are aware this happened, what the source of the problem is and that it is being addressed.Prevent it from bcoming a bigger issue on the school side through misunderstanding.

tara73

shesty wrote: »

I would have a word quietly yourself with the teacher though...just so she knows you are aware this happened, what the source of the problem is and that it is being addressed.Prevent it from bcoming a bigger issue on the school side through misunderstanding.

I think this is the way to go with the school. You don't want to become it a bigger thing, them involving whoever. I actually don't think they will do it without talking to you first.. But this is the first time something like this happened and everybody deserves a chance.
Would be over the top to make a big deal out of it fmpov, it would serve nobody, not the kids, not him and his new gf and not you.


If something happens again, different story.

Zarco

Schools don't do private chats now

Once you speak to a teacher it's escalated to a social work department

tara73

Zarco wrote: »

Schools don't do private chats now

Once you speak to a teacher it's escalated to a social work department

phone???

L2020

I'm wondering should I just say he stupidly stored the remainder of his beer in the bottle and gave the wrong bottle by mistake? Technically that's what happened anyway. Say nothing about the bigger problem?

SnowyMay

L2020

I understand your compassion for your ex, and the father of your children, but don’t let that get in the way of caring for your kids.

Alcoholism is a horrific thing, but the time for you holding your ex’s hand is over.

Your priority is your children. If that means keeping them away from him, then that’s what you should do. You don’t want one of them learning this behaviour (and it seems that they have seen some of this already), and ending up in a position where they are hiding alcohol in a child’s cup so that their partner doesn’t know that they are drinking.

When you read that, do you see how sad it is?

I have sympathy for your ex, but your duty is to your children. Please help them and, unfortunately, your ex is going to have to help himself.

JustAThought

Like many kids your children know what beer is
They know adults only can drink it
They kniw it shoiod not be in their childrens cup
They are not ashamed or afraid to bring a ‘mistake’ to their teachers attention

Most importantly they are not afraid of losing contact with their father by pointing out something that is wrong or ‘a mistake’ and are not involved in hiding things from one parent or taking sides. This is all very positive.

tara73

L2020 wrote: »

I'm wondering should I just say he stupidly stored the remainder of his beer in the bottle and gave the wrong bottle by mistake? Technically that's what happened anyway. Say nothing about the bigger problem?

I don't think so. I think you defo should tell them the truth. But also what you told us here, what will be done about it, that this was a wake up call to him and he will seek help. If he will really do, you will see. It's something to doubt as yourself said, you heard it all before. But for now, I think the best thing with the school is not to make a big fuss about it. As said it will serve nobody. And you never know, he might really seek help this time. If not, you need to reconsider your actions.

Teachers are not shocked about it I would say, alcoholism is so common, also with parents, they probably had worse incidents before. Not playing it down or saying teachers don't react on it, but I think they will be glad to hear the truth and most importantly, there's a caring mother and the problem will be adressed.

woodenwonder

I bet his girlfriend knows exactly what's going on.

I can't believe the school hasn't contacted Tusla! Beer for you're own kids lunch is rock bottom you'd hope. I would document it some way, maybe send him an email so you have proof down the line if you need to go to court to protect your kids.

Hopefully he'll get there soon.

ILoveYourVibes

It could be worse than you think ...he was trying to get your child drunk etc. Or he could have been.

Who knows.

Anyway ....you could let your son go around there anymore not now ..not until its sorted and out in the open.

ManOfMystery

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

It could be worse than you think ...he was trying to get your child drunk etc. Or he could have been.

Who knows.

Anyway ....you could let your son go around there anymore not now ..not until its sorted and out in the open.

I'm not trying to defend the guy as he clearly has an alcohol problem and made a huge error of judgement - be it a case of mistaken bottle or just trying to hide his booze - and he should rightfully be hauled up on it.

But deliberately trying to get a child drunk? That's a stretch.

ILoveYourVibes

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm not trying to defend the guy as he clearly has an alcohol problem and made a huge error of judgement - be it a case of mistaken bottle or just trying to hide his booze - and he should rightfully be hauled up on it.

But deliberately trying to get a child drunk? That's a stretch.

Really?

Why hide your booze in a container the mother is at some point sure to check?

Risky ..even if you wash it she might smell it.

When you could just hide a bottle in the shed or ..around the house.

Sounds odd to me.

And its not as unusual as you think for parents to put diluted booze in a kids bottle ...sadly.