Advice please - girlfriend's exes

ManOfMystery

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm a man, i don't think that way!

Nor do I.

I don't understand why IAMAMORON repeatedly insists that their own world view is how everyone else thinks, it's impossible for any one of us to know how everyone else thinks.

9db3xj7z41fs5u

Resentment can fester and eventually poison a relationship. I worry that by stipulating who your GF can be friends with, she may see this as an unfounded lack of trust, and limitation of her freedoms which may have a much greater adverse effect on the relationship in the long run

If the bottom line is that you don’t trust your GF, then that is not a good prognosis for your relationship, and you have to take a long and hard look at your relationship. However, it is worth noting that things are a bit tricky because of your baby, this needs to be factored also!

Tork

John, unless you do something about this, this will eat you up. You got a brief respite from this in 2020 because of Covid but when this is all over she will be back socialising. It is harder to just "dump her" because you have a child together (do I have that right) so you both need to work towards solving this. Would you consider going to couples counselling and talking this out in a safe space?

Katgurl

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

Katgurl,
You sound a lot like my girlfriend tbh.

You asked about flirting. Well no, but she is very much one of the lads and having craic + drink + late hours snd a history is a dangerous mix.
I dunno, I’d never in a million years ask my partner to go home. But any time we go out now it’ll probably play on my mind that I may be asked to go home if there’s a babysitter. I’d never ask that of anybody and was so surprised she asked it of me.

As for being off the radar, absolutely not. She’s very attractive and guy 2 (married guy) would try it on in a heartbeat. She says he’s so not her type yet she repeatedly went for him in years past. Not saying she would again. I hate feeling like this.

Well... If I sound like your girlfriend then you have nothing to worry about. She enjoys being with her old friends. Guy 2 sounds like an annoyance but she has no interest in him and would not cheat on you even if she did. You have described her as one of the lads with them. You do need to trust her or you will drive her away.

As for the suggesting you go home early - yes I agree with you here. It was rude to you and frankly pretty mean mainly because it reinforced the message that this was her group and you weren't a part of it. She should have been reinforcing to them that you two were the unit and been leaving together. She was staying out for the fun part while you are being dismissed. I can totally see why this bothers you. If you agree with my take I then think you should discuss that part with her. Not an excuse but I suspect she was quite drunk at this stage?

ETA: Do you think it might be Guy 2 personally who is getting under your skin? He sounds pretty despicable, a married one who would be in there like a shot. Is it perhaps (and tell me if I'm making a leap) you are disgusted that he ever got his hands on your partner? If so, perhaps you could try to change your perspective. She just used him for a bit of fun because he was, well, easy. She was out of his league and be knew it. You should feel sorry for him.

You both need to find a way to hear what the other one is saying. You have a child together. This is not a small thing. You need to have your feelings acknowledged but she needs to be trusted and not feel controlled.

You are telling her - it's disrespectful.
She is hearing - he doesn't trust me.

I will say that out of the happiest couples i know who have been together for decades, they each give each other a good bit of freedom but they never abuse it either.

Katgurl

IAMAMORON wrote: »

To be honest I never meant to cause you any offense?

I think we all know the truth and despite a moderator having to intervene in the discussion there is not really any reason to get cat on the matter. I don't think I said anything that everyone doesn't accept is true in the first place? It may be a bit blunt... and a tough read, but I live in the real world.

Either way my original thoughts were completely unfounded as it turns out that they already have a child together. So essentially my bad, but it does not take away from the truth of how men think, it is not an " assumption" either.

You don't know how all men think. The op has disagreed with you regarding the interest OP his OH generates. You are telling another poster they don't know anything about you but you are declaring your unfounded opinion about other men's perception of me as 'the truth'.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

You don't know how all men think. The op has disagreed with you regarding the interest OP his OH generates. You are telling another poster they don't know anything about you but you are declaring your unfounded opinion about other men's perception of me as 'the truth'.

Stay on topic please, this is not about you ... or me.

Katgurl

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Stay on topic please, this is not about you ... or me.

I'm on topic. You are declaring unfounded opinions as fact. Some examples -

The OH is not over guy 1.
The OH is not remaining friends with guy 2 for platonic reasons as he is good-looking.
The OH is attention seeking and dramatic.
The OP should dump her.
The OH is not of interest to these men now she has a child.


It is blatantly obvious to me that you are bitter and harbour resentment toward women in general which is clouding your view. But I am not personally invested in this story so I am trying to give a balanced perspective. Suggesting repeatedly that he dump the mother of his child because they disagree on something is not rational.

However OP is the one experiencing this personally so instead of him being able to detach and realise that you are a person carrying massive hang-ups of your own he might think "I've been blind to what's really going on here, it's totally obvious to everyone else." He has come on many times to correct you on points like her not being attention seeking, not being a cheat, not having any other friends yet you keep demanding he dump her.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm on topic. You are declaring unfounded opinions as fact. Some examples -

The OH is not over guy 1.
The OH is not remaining friends with guy 2 for platonic reasons as he is good-looking.
The OH is attention seeking and dramatic.
The OP should dump her.
The OH is not of interest to these men now she has a child.


It is blatantly obvious to me that you are bitter and harbour resentment toward women in general which is clouding your view. But I am not personally invested in this story so I am trying to give a balanced perspective. Suggesting repeatedly that he dump the mother of his child because they disagree on something is not rational.

However OP is the one experiencing this personally so instead of him being able to detach and realise that you are a person carrying massive hang-ups of your own he might think "I've been blind to what's really going on here, it's totally obvious to everyone else." He has come on many times to correct you on points like her not being attention seeking, not being a cheat, not having any other friends yet you keep demanding he dump her.

There is a distinct waft of misandry going on here.

This thread is not about me?

Your tone is very spiteful?

Are you ok?

ztoical

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

I feel disrespected when I see her out having craic with people she’s been sexual with. What she sees as appropriate I see the opposite.

So if they were strange men she'd never met before that she was out having craic with you've be ok?

I honestly don't see her actions as disrespectful but equally its not my place to tell you how you should feel. it Just doesn't sound like you are suited to each other. Either she changes and avoids friends she's had for years and ends up resenting you over that and you break up or she continues to see her friends and jealousy eats you apart and you break up.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

So if they were strange men she'd never met before that she was out having craic with you've be ok?

Well she wouldn’t be out having craic with strangers. Who would be?

Neyite

Mod note:


Katgurl & IMAMORON,



I don't want either of you to post in this thread again. You continued to snipe at each others posts despite me asking people to return to the topic and address the advice to the OP.

ztoical

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

Well she wouldn’t be out having craic with strangers. Who would be?

Lots of people....I have had many a great night with random strangers without anything sexual happening. Might come as a shock Op but some people are just out going and can start a conversation with nearly anyone.

cannotlogin

I'm torn on this one. I've a group of 12-15 friends from college mixed, some even married to each other but we tend to meet up twice a year, once at Xmas and typically during the Summer.

I've slept with 2 of them and had a 4 year relationship with one, theother just a short term thing that never really went anywhere but they are over 15 years ago, we are just friends now, and nothing would ever happen now in either case but I would be fairly annoyed if a partner didn't trust me enough to go to those 2 nights out without them.

You either trust her or you don't. What you think of them is irrelevant. (Not sure i understand the player/prude thing...difficult to be both). The way I see it is if someone is going to cheat they will, no matter how much time you spend together or with others.

I think you and your partner are at opposite extremes here. She could be more aware of your feelings (she seems too blasè) and you could be more trusting of her (you do seem insecure). Is there no way you can reach a middle ground?

ManOfMystery

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

Well she wouldn’t be out having craic with strangers. Who would be?

Done it many times. Was in Donegal working last yr, bored stiff in hotel so went out for a few beers, got chatting to a group of Americans and had a great night's craic with them. That was only one example of many.

Look, I think in a perfect world - in your eyes - your girlfriend would only ever be out with her female friends and no-one would ever try it on with her. The reality is that she has male friends, and even if she wasn't out with them there's a chance she would be talking to male strangers also.

There are certain things like this that you can't control. Well ........ you can try and control them I guess, but then you become one of those manipulative, insecure controlling partners and I'm sure that's not who you want to be.

You have to trust it doesn't matter if your girlfriend has any history with these guys, and it doesn't matter if a male stranger came up and tries to chat her up - all that matters is what SHE chooses to do. And if she's faithful and honest, then she will not cheat on you.