Boyfriend's reaction to pregnancy

Porklife

dubstarr wrote: »

I know Madonna has got me through some **** times.Amazing what music can do.

Hope everything will be better for you soon.

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

Surreptitious

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

What, that's not nice of him. Maybe it's just the initial shock. Ultimately it's your body and do what you want yourself. Hope you can sort things out x

iamwhoiam

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

Let me reach out and hold your hand . Hold it tight and know that you will be ok . You are safe and tomorrow is a new day and tonight just rest and sleep and look after yourself .

Autosport

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

First of all you are not alone, I know we are strangers to each other but we are also shoulders to lean on, feel free to talk in here and of course massive ((hugs)) Take care of you xxxx

Porklife

Surreptitious wrote: »

What, that's not nice of him. Maybe it's just the initial shock. Ultimately it's your body and do what you want yourself. Hope you can sort things out x

I'm just nor sure I can do this on my own but I'm a strong woman and I'll find a way. Scary though. I understand somebody being shocked but his reaction was beyond that, it was horrible. He was shouting at me and pretty much demanding I get shot right away. We live together and are apparently in love and both in our later 30's in secure jobs. He also accused me of planning this and trapping him. Lovely to hear those words. I didn't. I'm in complete shock so when he said that, I kicked the dining room table over and smashed a vase. Really mature reaction on both sides. Don't see this situation getting much better and I feel really sad.

Porklife

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Let me reach out and hold your hand . Hold it tight and know that you will be ok . You are safe and tomorrow is a new day and tonight just rest and sleep and look after yourself .

This has me in floods of tears.. thank you so much xxx

Sephiroth_dude

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

Hugs for you



Hopefully its just the shock that has him acting like that, still though not a nice thing to say to someone you love.

Ta'd at people with no compassion.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

I think you are doing what's right, taking some time to process it yourself.

Obviously I'm not looking for answers here but how do you feel about it? Would you like to have a child now? How would you feel being a single mum? What's your support network like.

Mine were planned but I still woke up at night having a panic attack "oh sh*t what have I done" so I think it's very natural to feel overwhelmed. Even a planned pregnancy puts an enormous strain on a relationship (Well it did in my case and others have admitted the same during conversation)

How do you feel about ending it with your boyfriend? Is it the stage in life you're at or is it a straight I don't want kids issue with him? If you have a termination do you think the relationship will survive?

Have you talked to any crisis pregnancy groups or your gp?

Breathe and look after yourself. Do what is best for you.

Sending you massive hugs xxx

Surreptitious

Porklife wrote: »

I'm just nor sure I can do this on my own but I'm a strong woman and I'll find a way. Scary though. I understand somebody being shocked but his reaction was beyond that, it was horrible. He was shouting at me and pretty much demanding I get shot right away. We live together and are apparently in love and both in our later 30's in secure jobs. He also accused me of planning this and trapping him. Lovely to hear those words. I didn't. I'm in complete shock so when he said that, I kicked the dining room table over and smashed a vase. Really mature reaction on both sides. Don't see this situation getting much better and I feel really sad.

This sounds like a complete turn around for him. Surely at his age he should hold responsibility for half this you didn't make yourself pregnant.
What I would say this is all very new and it's best to have this time to relax and face it in a day or two. He might come around yet or maybe he won't. It's a tough thing to be going this though. I agree with ringing a crisis pregnancy line. Cura cares is one. I think they're based in cork though but they chat on the phone for free. That would help straight away.
We are all here to listen anyway. I'm free for PMs anytime I'm awake if things get bad. Also try to get some sleep tonight and try not to worry too much.

dubstarr

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

You are most definately not alone.You listen to yourself and do whats right for you.

Weare all here to listen and help.Big hugs.

Porklife

I just wanted to say thank onto everyone who showed me kindness and words of encouragement yesterday, I really appreciate it.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

I just wanted to say thank onto everyone who showed me kindness and words of encouragement yesterday, I really appreciate it.

Hope you are feeling better. Sometimes a good sleep makes things easier, or puts stuff into focus. That and/or a brisk bracing walk.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Do whatever is right for you. Xxx

Porklife

Princess Calla wrote: »

Hope you are feeling better. Sometimes a good sleep makes things easier, or puts stuff into focus. That and/or a brisk bracing walk.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Do whatever is right for you. Xxx

Thanks Princess. I still don't know what's going to happen but he moved out today. I left the hotel last night and briefly went home to get my phone charger. Seeing him made me flip and I screamed at him to get out and not be there today.
I was hysterical last night and I shouldn't have lost my cool but its a terribly tough time.
This is such an unnecessary mess. He said we can talk in a few days.
Sorry for taking the thread off topic!

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks Princess. I still don't know what's going to happen but he moved out today. I left the hotel last night and briefly went home to get my phone charger. Seeing him made me flip and I screamed at him to get out and not be there today.
I was hysterical last night and I shouldn't have lost my cool but its a terribly tough time.
This is such an unnecessary mess. He said we can talk in a few days.
Sorry for taking the thread off topic!

I don't think anyone minds the thread going slightly off topic for this.

Don't be too hard on yourself, hormones are super charged during and after pregnancy.

You both need some breathing space. We are all guilty of handling a situation less than fantastic from time to time.

Arrange to sit down and discuss it calmly in a couple of days.

cj maxx

Nothing, absolutely nothing to be sorry about here Porklife

Antares35

Porklife wrote: »

It's really amazing the support you get on here from people, I find it so special.
I don't want to put this in the relationship forum and this may be inappropriate but I just found out I'm prgenant and my boyfriend is being so unsupportive. He told me it goes or he goes so I packed a bag and I'm in a hotel trying to process my thoughts. I'm so sad and scared and shocked that someone you thought you knew could be so cruel. TA, life is a bitch and I'm terrified. Sorry for the heaviness of my TA but I don't know what else to do right now.

Oh shíte, that's awful of him My other half reacted the same to our unplanned pregnancy. I think a lot of men do that hands over the ears "I'm not listening, this is not happening" two year old thing when there's a pregnancy. At the end of the day do what is right for you and you alone. You've got this x

lainey_d_123

Antares35 wrote: »

Oh shíte, that's awful of him My other half reacted the same to our unplanned pregnancy. I think a lot of men do that hands over the ears "I'm not listening, this is not happening" two year old thing when there's a pregnancy. At the end of the day do what is right for you and you alone. You've got this x

I'm in total shock and disbelief reading this. People actually behave like this? When I've talked about partners being unsupportive, I've meant that maybe they didn't show a lot of interest about a hospital appointment or enough concern about a family matter that was stressing me out. The idea that someone I'm in a serious relationship with would react to an unplanned pregnancy by threatening to leave me if I didn't have an abortion actually makes me sick to my stomach.

dubstarr

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks Princess. I still don't know what's going to happen but he moved out today. I left the hotel last night and briefly went home to get my phone charger. Seeing him made me flip and I screamed at him to get out and not be there today.
I was hysterical last night and I shouldn't have lost my cool but its a terribly tough time.
This is such an unnecessary mess. He said we can talk in a few days.
Sorry for taking the thread off topic!

No don't worry bout taking off thread.
You need to only look after yourself.And talk only when you want too.
Along him move out might sharpen his mind a bit.Look after yourself and little bean.

Princess Calla

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'm in total shock and disbelief reading this. People actually behave like this? When I've talked about partners being unsupportive, I've meant that maybe they didn't show a lot of interest about a hospital appointment or enough concern about a family matter that was stressing me out. The idea that someone I'm in a serious relationship with would react to an unplanned pregnancy by threatening to leave me if I didn't have an abortion actually makes me sick to my stomach.

To be honest I don't think we should be too hard on the guys having a less than stellar reaction.

As a girl we have a few steps to process it. .... Realise we're running late, OK let's process what this means, give it a few days and hope for an arrival.

OK no arrival, buy a test, get home do the test... Process the result.

Then we've the time from the result to telling the dad to process it all.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if someone just landed life changing news on me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by that type of reaction and if the "me or the baby" ultimation stayed in place I know what direction I'd take.

But I do think the guy needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until the dust has settled.

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I don't think we should be too hard on the guys having a less than stellar reaction.

As a girl we have a few steps to process it. .... Realise we're running late, OK let's process what this means, give it a few days and hope for an arrival.

OK no arrival, buy a test, get home do the test... Process the result.

Then we've the time from the result to telling the dad to process it all.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if someone just landed life changing news on me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by that type of reaction and if the "me or the baby" ultimation stayed in place I know what direction I'd take.

But I do think the guy needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until the dust has settled.

I don't agree, to be honest.

Shock? Totally get it. But his first thought wasn't 'how do WE deal with this?', even though they are in a committed long term relationship and living together, it was to literally threaten to leave her if she wanted to keep the child. That to me shows a level of callousness and downright cruelty that I would simply not be able to ever forget. I would never be able to trust someone ever again if that was their reaction to something we were equally responsible for.

Porklife

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'm in total shock and disbelief reading this. People actually behave like this? When I've talked about partners being unsupportive, I've meant that maybe they didn't show a lot of interest about a hospital appointment or enough concern about a family matter that was stressing me out. The idea that someone I'm in a serious relationship with would react to an unplanned pregnancy by threatening to leave me if I didn't have an abortion actually makes me sick to my stomach.

Thanks Lainey. I'm just feeling so let down and saddened by his reaction. Only the night before we found out he told me he loves me more than ever. We're meeting this evening for a talk but I have no idea how I feel except very weepy.
I'm going to try my best to stay calm because I've a feeling he's going to use my antics on Saturday night as the reason not to stand by me. I shouldn't have done it but I was devastated.
Hopefully tonight brings some sense of clarity. I'm finding each day so incredibly hard right now.
Thank you all once again xxx

iamwhoiam

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks Lainey. I'm just feeling so let down and saddened by his reaction. Only the night before we found out he told me he loves me more than ever. We're meeting this evening for a talk but I have no idea how I feel except very weepy.
I'm going to try my best to stay calm because I've a feeling he's going to use my antics on Saturday night as the reason not to stand by me. I shouldn't have done it but I was devastated.
Hopefully tonight brings some sense of clarity. I'm finding each day so incredibly hard right now.
Thank you all once again xxx

Stay strong and stick by what you feel is right for you

Antares35

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I don't agree, to be honest.

Shock? Totally get it. But his first thought wasn't 'how do WE deal with this?', even though they are in a committed long term relationship and living together, it was to literally threaten to leave her if she wanted to keep the child. That to me shows a level of callousness and downright cruelty that I would simply not be able to ever forget. I would never be able to trust someone ever again if that was their reaction to something we were equally responsible for.

There are different dynamics in every relationship, we can't be prescriptive about how other people should react. My other half wanted me to have an abortion. He didn't say he would leave me if I refused, but he panicked. I didn't think he was callous or cruel, just shocked and scared. It isn't about pointing the blame, but recognising that we are all human and will react in different ways. We are all less than perfect.

My TA is I've given up drinking, and this morning woke to find that my dad had dropped over a box of wine for me

Princess Calla

Antares35 wrote: »

There are different dynamics in every relationship, we can't be prescriptive about how other people should react. My other half wanted me to have an abortion. He didn't say he would leave me if I refused, but he panicked. I didn't think he was callous or cruel, just shocked and scared. It isn't about pointing the blame, but recognising that we are all human and will react in different ways. We are all less than perfect.

My TA is I've given up drinking, and this morning woke to find that my dad had dropped over a box of wine for me

A peace offering? I hope things are on the mend

Antares35

Princess Calla wrote: »

A peace offering? I hope things are on the mend

We are on civil terms for the sake of my little girl (who adores her grandad). To be honest I'm so exhausted from fighting with them I've nothing left any more*

*Except wine, now I have wine

Ten of Swords

These posts have been taken from the After Hours TA thread and consolidated into a new thread.

Following a discussion with the op this is being moved to Personal Issues. Read the local charter before posting

eviltwin

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I don't think we should be too hard on the guys having a less than stellar reaction.

As a girl we have a few steps to process it. .... Realise we're running late, OK let's process what this means, give it a few days and hope for an arrival.

OK no arrival, buy a test, get home do the test... Process the result.

Then we've the time from the result to telling the dad to process it all.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if someone just landed life changing news on me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by that type of reaction and if the "me or the baby" ultimation stayed in place I know what direction I'd take.

But I do think the guy needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until the dust has settled.

Shock is one thing. Needing time to process and absorb it is another. Maybe needing a few days on your own to sort through your feelings. They are all ok. It’s not ok to try and coerce your girlfriend into having an abortion.

Princess Calla

eviltwin wrote: »

Shock is one thing. Needing time to process and absorb it is another. Maybe needing a few days on your own to sort through your feelings. They are all ok. It’s not ok to try and coerce your girlfriend into having an abortion.

No I agree. They are meeting tonight to discuss it, hopefully calmly.

I'm hoping it was just a really bad kneejerk reaction and they can move on. Of course he could have handled it better.

However there is still hope that they stay together and have the baby (I'm not pushing a pro life agenda) so I'm mindful not to go down a name calling route of potentially the father of her baby and someone she loves.

Caranica

Surreptitious wrote: »

I agree with ringing a crisis pregnancy line. Cura cares is one. I think they're based in cork though but they chat on the phone for free. That would help straight away.

Thankfully the catholic church shut down this propaganda machine in 2018.

OP the Irish Family planning association have a helpline and there's also positive options. Neither of these are biased.

Porklife

Tonight went better than expected. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it. He made it clear how he feels though and it really hurts. I'm not exactly jumping for joy singing Papa don't preach but id appreciate a little more support from him. Its just really sad. Still, It's a step up from yesterday and I feel a lot calmer.
I asked what his mam had actually said about not supporting it and he said she didn't say that. He said she was just a bit shocked 😑 I fully expected her to be shocked but he claimed she said not to have it.
He's gonna stay in his friends place for the next few weeks. Not great but an improvement.

Purple Mountain

He seems to be running away from the situation. He's going to stay with his friend it seems regardless of what you decide to do.
No matter what you decide, he should have been there to hold your hand.
Only you can decide now, OP. Best of luck.

screamer

OP a surprise pregnancy is hard to get your head around, even in a very solid and loving relationship. You need some time and some support with processing this yourself before you should worry about your partner. Being honest, regardless of the shock he got, his words can’t be unsaid and he seems to have a very immature reaction to this. Please reach out to some crisis pregnancy agencies and get some support to process this. It is your decision, don’t let your partners reaction influence it, look into your own heart and you’ll find the answer. Mind yourself whatever decision you make.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

Tonight went better than expected. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it. He made it clear how he feels though and it really hurts. I'm not exactly jumping for joy singing Papa don't preach but id appreciate a little more support from him. Its just really sad. Still, It's a step up from yesterday and I feel a lot calmer.
I asked what his mam had actually said about not supporting it and he said she didn't say that. He said she was just a bit shocked 😑 I fully expected her to be shocked but he claimed she said not to have it.
He's gonna stay in his friends place for the next few weeks. Not great but an improvement.

He's running away when you are at your most vulnerable and need him the most.

I really, really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's very much up to you to decide. I do think if you continue with the pregnancy you will be a single mum. His words and actions have shown he wants out of this situation.

Have you anyone that can stay over with you?

Massive hugs xxx

lainey_d_123

Porklife wrote: »

Tonight went better than expected. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it. He made it clear how he feels though and it really hurts. I'm not exactly jumping for joy singing Papa don't preach but id appreciate a little more support from him. Its just really sad. Still, It's a step up from yesterday and I feel a lot calmer.
I asked what his mam had actually said about not supporting it and he said she didn't say that. He said she was just a bit shocked �� I fully expected her to be shocked but he claimed she said not to have it.
He's gonna stay in his friends place for the next few weeks. Not great but an improvement.

He accused you, the person he is supposed to love, of getting pregnant on purpose to trap him (one of the most misogynistic cliches in the book), threatened to leave you if you didn't have an abortion and has now run off to his friend's house like a coward, leaving you to deal with everything on your own, as if somehow he's not equally responsible for the situation.

Got to be honest, I would not count on him being there for you or factor him into any of your decision making. He has shown how he reacts in the face of a major shock - he insulted and disrespected you, threatened to leave you and has now left you alone at this difficult time. I would not trust any promise about sticking around.

karlitob

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I don't think we should be too hard on the guys having a less than stellar reaction.

As a girl we have a few steps to process it. .... Realise we're running late, OK let's process what this means, give it a few days and hope for an arrival.

OK no arrival, buy a test, get home do the test... Process the result.

Then we've the time from the result to telling the dad to process it all.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if someone just landed life changing news on me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by that type of reaction and if the "me or the baby" ultimation stayed in place I know what direction I'd take.

But I do think the guy needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until the dust has settled.

That’s interesting. I think that’s a very fair general position, and can certainly explain neutral or poor responses.

But this fellas response is not something that any woman should receive or put up with. I often think that events like these - something highly emotionally charged - often magnifies the type of person that we are. Maybe you got a glimpse.

karlitob

Porklife wrote: »

. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it.

He can’t do both of these things.

Either he does not want to be a father or he does. Either way, this ‘standing by you’ is such BS. He’s trying to make out like he’s doing you a favour. He’s fathered a child and needs to step up and parent this child.

cannotlogin

Leave him to one side for now. His reaction was horrible, especially at a time when you probably needed him more than ever. I've seen some father's reaction similarly & shockingly bad in similar situations, some came around after a while, others didn't so who knows what way this will pan out.

Look after you, what's the right decision for you and what you want to do. Seek support where you know you'll get it, whether it's a close friend or family member.

Mind yourself, a surprise pregnancy is challenging enough to get your head around,in the best of circumstances. Focus on you and if he returns to the picture, you can deal with that separately in time.

Tork

The HSE runs a crisis pregnancy counselling service https://www2.hse.ie/services/unplanned-pregnancy-support-services/my-options-freephone-line.html I'm sorry you're going through such turmoil at the moment but maybe talking to a neutral person might help.

Sardonicat

HI Pork. I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your boyfriend has let you down so badly. I'd echo the advice to get in touch with a crisis pregnancy counsellor, not for direction, but support while you work through your decisions. Have you a friend or family member who you could confide in? You could really do with a hug.

pwurple

Christ Pork life. Congratulations is what I would like to be saying in other circumstances, where you had a functional human being for a boyfriend.

And for those of you excusing his idiotic surprise, any grown man who ejaculates in a woman with working ovaries knows about the birds and the bees.


"Whaaaat , this is how babies are made??"




Hope you're doing ok, physically and emotionally.

Gruffalux

No real comment on the boyfriend or relationship but if you are in your later 30s the fact of life is if you ever want to have a child there may not be a lot of opportunity going forwards. Lots of people make a good life parenting alone. Just mentioning it as a factual consideration.

Calm down as much as you can. It is important to be calm. You are going to have to quit the emotional screaming anyway if you decide to continue pregnancy. This need to be calmer may mean you drop some people or situations from your life completely. No more big drama - that is done now. Immer shanti bleiben, we used to say in the long ago . Always stay peaceful, always stay cool. Maybe take a week out and have lots of long walks by the sea where you think for yourself with seriousness and compassion. Your concern is not the guy right now and maybe he will never be that big of a concern for you in the future. That's life - unwelcome things happen but think of the bigger picture and be calm. Your concern is just you and, if you want them, your baby. Just giving that angle.

Princess Calla

pwurple wrote: »

And for those of you excusing his idiotic surprise, any grown man who ejaculates in a woman with working ovaries knows about the birds and the bees.


"Whaaaat , this is how babies are made??"

But by that logic the only crisis pregnancies would be ones that result from actions where consent wasn't given.

At the top of my head I can think of 3 girls who on finding out they were pregnant they were very far from pleased with the news. There was days of tears from all of them, and an awful lot of anger. I know for one it took them 2 weeks before they could tell their partner. So I think if someone told her with no warning that a baby was on the way I doubt she would have handled it better than the boyfriend.

I for one wouldn't have been saying heyho you've working ovaries what did you expect.

I was willing to give the boyfriend the benefit of the doubt as in various posts over the months Porklife talks about him and they seemed to be a well gelled couple, so I was reluctant to jump on the "bash the boyfriend" train especially when there was a glimmer of hope that they'd work it out.

The weekend was neither of their finest moments, but what's done can't be undone.

Personally I think the fact he has moved out signifies the relationship is over.

So I'd be making the decision based on "do I want to raise a child alone"

Hannibal_Smith

I'm so sorry you're in this position Porklife. How do you feel about the pregnancy? Have you told any of your own friends or family and got some support?

Homelander

To be honest, and of course you already know this, but your Boyfriend is a complete a-hole and you need to tell him the relationship's over.

People are entirely entitled to be shocked by an unexpected pregnancy.

But - get rid of it, it's me or it, will stand by you if you have an abortion, you did it on purpose - from a man in his 30's?

Seriously, open your eyes. You deserve better than this, and for certain, your child does.

It's not easy but don't let this utter despicable worm back into your life.

bertiebomber

You need to sit down and see if you can survive without his financial input as that is the real crux of going it alone. If you can deal with it emotionally on your own but not financially then you have to make the best decision for your life .

termination is ok up to 12 weeks after that its more traumatic and life changing for you . So you have to study your options fairly quickly and decide the best course.
If you decide to terminate then you dont take him back as this crisis has shown his true colours. The world is in crisis too and if you have any doubts about having a child then dont.

the media do inflame the abortion issue and tell you your life will be ruined, it wont its simply a problem you had not expected is no longer a problem. It has also shown you that your life partner was a bad call. Good luck, women are very strong people and can deal with every adversity thrown at them all the best to you .

Neyite

It'll take a while to process, two massive events in your life have collided. I do think that you probably need to proceed based on the assumption he'll be useless to you. That way you won't be depending on him, and any scraps of help he might deign to give you will be a bonus but not put you in a position where you are forced to beg him for help.

He might come around but to be honest, I think I'd have lost too much respect for him for it ever to get back to where it used to be. Like someone said earlier, the appropriate response should have been "how do we approach this problem together" and not blaming you for some sort of 1950's stereotype of trapping him. Eejit.

Practicalities to consider:

Is your job secure/stable? What's the maternity policy like? Maternity benefit is usually €245 per week for 26 weeks (six months) plus you can opt to take a further 16 weeks unpaid. By accruing annual leave and public holidays for the months of pregnancy you can add it all up to almost a year if you wanted to. Find out if your employer also tops up maternity leave and if you are eligible. If they do you are sorted.

Support: Do you have family near you that would support you and give you practical assistance? It's not vital but it can be very useful.
Things like creche fees /childcare is high in the beginning but it's not forever - once the government scheme kicks in it knocks a good bit off the monthly bill and by the time they get to school age, it's often quite a manageable bill.

Accommodation: if you are single, can you afford it on your own or will you need to move. Can you move near family or supportive people if so? You don't need a big place with a baby, we had a 2 bed apartment until our guy was 4 and managed fine. We would still probably have managed but we moved to be nearer family and to be in the school area we wanted.

Equipment. Babies don't need a lot. A new car seat and a new mattress is recommended for safety reasons but the rest can be borrowed /second hand. I've still all that stuff upstairs (kept it in case we had more children), and was planning to donate /free-cycle it all in the next few months - like a lot of people, I just want rid and have no time to spend on Facebook trying to line up buyers, so you could pick up some serious freebies or bargains that way. You'd be welcome to take what you wanted of mine.

All in all, you've time. You have time to figure out what you want to do, and time to consider all your options and make a decision that best suits you. Don't let yourself be influenced by him or by anyone else who might not have your interests at heart.

eviltwin

What an awful reaction from him. I can totally understand someone needing a bit of space to work through the shock and get their head straight but moving out is drastic. You've done nothing wrong.

I don't know where your head is at right now but I think you need to stop thinking about him and focus on yourself. What do you need right now? What do you want? How do you see things going over the next number of months?

If you do decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy you don't have a lot of time to make arrangements. I hope you have someone around you to talk to and that you aren't going through this alone.

Neyite

eviltwin wrote: »

If you do decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy you don't have a lot of time to make arrangements. I hope you have someone around you to talk to and that you aren't going through this alone.

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

eviltwin

Neyite wrote: »

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

I'm just bearing in mind Covid restrictions. It can be hard enough getting a GP's appointment at the moment and its not a universal service.

Porklife

Neyite wrote: »

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

Thanks again for all the support and kind words.
I think I'm ten weeks but have a scan booked for tomorrow and will know for sure then.
I'm trying to just stay calm and positive but it's very upsetting. My sisters both live abroad but have been fantastic. My folks have passed away unfortunately but I know they would want me to keep it and would be happy for me.
I have decided to make my decision following the scan and I think that will really help with all matters. Thanks again all, you're a wonderful support.

iamwhoiam

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks again for all the support and kind words.
I think I'm ten weeks but have a scan booked for tomorrow and will know for sure then.
I'm trying to just stay calm and positive but it's very upsetting. My sisters both live abroad but have been fantastic. My folks have passed away unfortunately but I know they would want me to keep it and would be happy for me.
I have decided to make my decision following the scan and I think that will really help with all matters. Thanks again all, you're a wonderful support.

You can do this , you are strong and able for this . Allow yourself be upset too as it is a shock . The scan will help you decide and keep in touch with your sisters for support