Boyfriend's reaction to pregnancy

screamer

OP a surprise pregnancy is hard to get your head around, even in a very solid and loving relationship. You need some time and some support with processing this yourself before you should worry about your partner. Being honest, regardless of the shock he got, his words can’t be unsaid and he seems to have a very immature reaction to this. Please reach out to some crisis pregnancy agencies and get some support to process this. It is your decision, don’t let your partners reaction influence it, look into your own heart and you’ll find the answer. Mind yourself whatever decision you make.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

Tonight went better than expected. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it. He made it clear how he feels though and it really hurts. I'm not exactly jumping for joy singing Papa don't preach but id appreciate a little more support from him. Its just really sad. Still, It's a step up from yesterday and I feel a lot calmer.
I asked what his mam had actually said about not supporting it and he said she didn't say that. He said she was just a bit shocked 😑 I fully expected her to be shocked but he claimed she said not to have it.
He's gonna stay in his friends place for the next few weeks. Not great but an improvement.

He's running away when you are at your most vulnerable and need him the most.

I really, really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's very much up to you to decide. I do think if you continue with the pregnancy you will be a single mum. His words and actions have shown he wants out of this situation.

Have you anyone that can stay over with you?

Massive hugs xxx

lainey_d_123

Porklife wrote: »

Tonight went better than expected. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it. He made it clear how he feels though and it really hurts. I'm not exactly jumping for joy singing Papa don't preach but id appreciate a little more support from him. Its just really sad. Still, It's a step up from yesterday and I feel a lot calmer.
I asked what his mam had actually said about not supporting it and he said she didn't say that. He said she was just a bit shocked �� I fully expected her to be shocked but he claimed she said not to have it.
He's gonna stay in his friends place for the next few weeks. Not great but an improvement.

He accused you, the person he is supposed to love, of getting pregnant on purpose to trap him (one of the most misogynistic cliches in the book), threatened to leave you if you didn't have an abortion and has now run off to his friend's house like a coward, leaving you to deal with everything on your own, as if somehow he's not equally responsible for the situation.

Got to be honest, I would not count on him being there for you or factor him into any of your decision making. He has shown how he reacts in the face of a major shock - he insulted and disrespected you, threatened to leave you and has now left you alone at this difficult time. I would not trust any promise about sticking around.

karlitob

Princess Calla wrote: »

To be honest I don't think we should be too hard on the guys having a less than stellar reaction.

As a girl we have a few steps to process it. .... Realise we're running late, OK let's process what this means, give it a few days and hope for an arrival.

OK no arrival, buy a test, get home do the test... Process the result.

Then we've the time from the result to telling the dad to process it all.

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if someone just landed life changing news on me.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by that type of reaction and if the "me or the baby" ultimation stayed in place I know what direction I'd take.

But I do think the guy needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until the dust has settled.

That’s interesting. I think that’s a very fair general position, and can certainly explain neutral or poor responses.

But this fellas response is not something that any woman should receive or put up with. I often think that events like these - something highly emotionally charged - often magnifies the type of person that we are. Maybe you got a glimpse.

karlitob

Porklife wrote: »

. He told me he 100% wants me to have an abortion but will stand by me if I decide to have it.

He can’t do both of these things.

Either he does not want to be a father or he does. Either way, this ‘standing by you’ is such BS. He’s trying to make out like he’s doing you a favour. He’s fathered a child and needs to step up and parent this child.

cannotlogin

Leave him to one side for now. His reaction was horrible, especially at a time when you probably needed him more than ever. I've seen some father's reaction similarly & shockingly bad in similar situations, some came around after a while, others didn't so who knows what way this will pan out.

Look after you, what's the right decision for you and what you want to do. Seek support where you know you'll get it, whether it's a close friend or family member.

Mind yourself, a surprise pregnancy is challenging enough to get your head around,in the best of circumstances. Focus on you and if he returns to the picture, you can deal with that separately in time.

Tork

The HSE runs a crisis pregnancy counselling service https://www2.hse.ie/services/unplanned-pregnancy-support-services/my-options-freephone-line.html I'm sorry you're going through such turmoil at the moment but maybe talking to a neutral person might help.

Sardonicat

HI Pork. I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your boyfriend has let you down so badly. I'd echo the advice to get in touch with a crisis pregnancy counsellor, not for direction, but support while you work through your decisions. Have you a friend or family member who you could confide in? You could really do with a hug.

pwurple

Christ Pork life. Congratulations is what I would like to be saying in other circumstances, where you had a functional human being for a boyfriend.

And for those of you excusing his idiotic surprise, any grown man who ejaculates in a woman with working ovaries knows about the birds and the bees.


"Whaaaat , this is how babies are made??"




Hope you're doing ok, physically and emotionally.

Gruffalux

No real comment on the boyfriend or relationship but if you are in your later 30s the fact of life is if you ever want to have a child there may not be a lot of opportunity going forwards. Lots of people make a good life parenting alone. Just mentioning it as a factual consideration.

Calm down as much as you can. It is important to be calm. You are going to have to quit the emotional screaming anyway if you decide to continue pregnancy. This need to be calmer may mean you drop some people or situations from your life completely. No more big drama - that is done now. Immer shanti bleiben, we used to say in the long ago . Always stay peaceful, always stay cool. Maybe take a week out and have lots of long walks by the sea where you think for yourself with seriousness and compassion. Your concern is not the guy right now and maybe he will never be that big of a concern for you in the future. That's life - unwelcome things happen but think of the bigger picture and be calm. Your concern is just you and, if you want them, your baby. Just giving that angle.

Princess Calla

pwurple wrote: »

And for those of you excusing his idiotic surprise, any grown man who ejaculates in a woman with working ovaries knows about the birds and the bees.


"Whaaaat , this is how babies are made??"

But by that logic the only crisis pregnancies would be ones that result from actions where consent wasn't given.

At the top of my head I can think of 3 girls who on finding out they were pregnant they were very far from pleased with the news. There was days of tears from all of them, and an awful lot of anger. I know for one it took them 2 weeks before they could tell their partner. So I think if someone told her with no warning that a baby was on the way I doubt she would have handled it better than the boyfriend.

I for one wouldn't have been saying heyho you've working ovaries what did you expect.

I was willing to give the boyfriend the benefit of the doubt as in various posts over the months Porklife talks about him and they seemed to be a well gelled couple, so I was reluctant to jump on the "bash the boyfriend" train especially when there was a glimmer of hope that they'd work it out.

The weekend was neither of their finest moments, but what's done can't be undone.

Personally I think the fact he has moved out signifies the relationship is over.

So I'd be making the decision based on "do I want to raise a child alone"

Hannibal_Smith

I'm so sorry you're in this position Porklife. How do you feel about the pregnancy? Have you told any of your own friends or family and got some support?

Homelander

To be honest, and of course you already know this, but your Boyfriend is a complete a-hole and you need to tell him the relationship's over.

People are entirely entitled to be shocked by an unexpected pregnancy.

But - get rid of it, it's me or it, will stand by you if you have an abortion, you did it on purpose - from a man in his 30's?

Seriously, open your eyes. You deserve better than this, and for certain, your child does.

It's not easy but don't let this utter despicable worm back into your life.

bertiebomber

You need to sit down and see if you can survive without his financial input as that is the real crux of going it alone. If you can deal with it emotionally on your own but not financially then you have to make the best decision for your life .

termination is ok up to 12 weeks after that its more traumatic and life changing for you . So you have to study your options fairly quickly and decide the best course.
If you decide to terminate then you dont take him back as this crisis has shown his true colours. The world is in crisis too and if you have any doubts about having a child then dont.

the media do inflame the abortion issue and tell you your life will be ruined, it wont its simply a problem you had not expected is no longer a problem. It has also shown you that your life partner was a bad call. Good luck, women are very strong people and can deal with every adversity thrown at them all the best to you .

Neyite

It'll take a while to process, two massive events in your life have collided. I do think that you probably need to proceed based on the assumption he'll be useless to you. That way you won't be depending on him, and any scraps of help he might deign to give you will be a bonus but not put you in a position where you are forced to beg him for help.

He might come around but to be honest, I think I'd have lost too much respect for him for it ever to get back to where it used to be. Like someone said earlier, the appropriate response should have been "how do we approach this problem together" and not blaming you for some sort of 1950's stereotype of trapping him. Eejit.

Practicalities to consider:

Is your job secure/stable? What's the maternity policy like? Maternity benefit is usually €245 per week for 26 weeks (six months) plus you can opt to take a further 16 weeks unpaid. By accruing annual leave and public holidays for the months of pregnancy you can add it all up to almost a year if you wanted to. Find out if your employer also tops up maternity leave and if you are eligible. If they do you are sorted.

Support: Do you have family near you that would support you and give you practical assistance? It's not vital but it can be very useful.
Things like creche fees /childcare is high in the beginning but it's not forever - once the government scheme kicks in it knocks a good bit off the monthly bill and by the time they get to school age, it's often quite a manageable bill.

Accommodation: if you are single, can you afford it on your own or will you need to move. Can you move near family or supportive people if so? You don't need a big place with a baby, we had a 2 bed apartment until our guy was 4 and managed fine. We would still probably have managed but we moved to be nearer family and to be in the school area we wanted.

Equipment. Babies don't need a lot. A new car seat and a new mattress is recommended for safety reasons but the rest can be borrowed /second hand. I've still all that stuff upstairs (kept it in case we had more children), and was planning to donate /free-cycle it all in the next few months - like a lot of people, I just want rid and have no time to spend on Facebook trying to line up buyers, so you could pick up some serious freebies or bargains that way. You'd be welcome to take what you wanted of mine.

All in all, you've time. You have time to figure out what you want to do, and time to consider all your options and make a decision that best suits you. Don't let yourself be influenced by him or by anyone else who might not have your interests at heart.

eviltwin

What an awful reaction from him. I can totally understand someone needing a bit of space to work through the shock and get their head straight but moving out is drastic. You've done nothing wrong.

I don't know where your head is at right now but I think you need to stop thinking about him and focus on yourself. What do you need right now? What do you want? How do you see things going over the next number of months?

If you do decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy you don't have a lot of time to make arrangements. I hope you have someone around you to talk to and that you aren't going through this alone.

Neyite

eviltwin wrote: »

If you do decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy you don't have a lot of time to make arrangements. I hope you have someone around you to talk to and that you aren't going through this alone.

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

eviltwin

Neyite wrote: »

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

I'm just bearing in mind Covid restrictions. It can be hard enough getting a GP's appointment at the moment and its not a universal service.

Porklife

Neyite wrote: »

She hopefully still has a couple of weeks. And thankfully these days trying to travel to the UK is one less thing to try to plan.



Do you know how far along you are OP?

Thanks again for all the support and kind words.
I think I'm ten weeks but have a scan booked for tomorrow and will know for sure then.
I'm trying to just stay calm and positive but it's very upsetting. My sisters both live abroad but have been fantastic. My folks have passed away unfortunately but I know they would want me to keep it and would be happy for me.
I have decided to make my decision following the scan and I think that will really help with all matters. Thanks again all, you're a wonderful support.

iamwhoiam

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks again for all the support and kind words.
I think I'm ten weeks but have a scan booked for tomorrow and will know for sure then.
I'm trying to just stay calm and positive but it's very upsetting. My sisters both live abroad but have been fantastic. My folks have passed away unfortunately but I know they would want me to keep it and would be happy for me.
I have decided to make my decision following the scan and I think that will really help with all matters. Thanks again all, you're a wonderful support.

You can do this , you are strong and able for this . Allow yourself be upset too as it is a shock . The scan will help you decide and keep in touch with your sisters for support

Sardonicat

Well, Pork, it's sounding like the fog is starting to clear a bit for you. Deciding to wait for scan to make any big decisions is calm, reasoned decision making in itself and a testament to your strength after two huge shocks to the system. Keep whatever support system you have going. Take it easy while you wait for your scan and try and give yourself some headspace away from the pregnancy and BF (not easy, I know)

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

Thanks again for all the support and kind words.
I think I'm ten weeks but have a scan booked for tomorrow and will know for sure then.
I'm trying to just stay calm and positive but it's very upsetting. My sisters both live abroad but have been fantastic. My folks have passed away unfortunately but I know they would want me to keep it and would be happy for me.
I have decided to make my decision following the scan and I think that will really help with all matters. Thanks again all, you're a wonderful support.

Oh the scans are so exciting, they definitely make it real

I know from one of my single mum friend's, she said it was alot easier after the boyfriend left. Up to the point of his leaving she was looking after the baby and try to drag him along with it. She'd ask him to nip to the shops to get milk and he'd arrive back a few hours later... So once she was on her own, she knew where she stood and took control of the situation, pretty much the way neyite has put it above.

Babies are alot of hard work but they are worth it.

That said, if you decide to get a termination it's a very valid option too.

Good luck xxx

wildwillow

Remember that even if your partner shows no interest now, he is the child's father and you just can't get rid of that fact.

He may look for parental rights down the line, even if he has never contributed.

It's amazing how many men become interested in their abandoned children when they become older and they may not have had any other children.

So make your decision and plan on being a single parent if you decide to keep the child, but you will never be completely free of the father.

I wish you the very best. It's a hard decision and the scan may make it even more difficult.

Let no one judge your decision and be prepared to live with it, no matter what you decide.

bitofabind

You need kindness, love and support right now. Your boyfriend is not kind or loving. I understand he's in shock and acting out, but to attack and blame and shame you and try to force your hand on making a decision that will change your life and your body in huge ways is just the biggest red flag possible. He is telling you who he is. Listen to that.

For now, you are in survival mode and must protect the health and safety of yourself and your unborn child. That's Priority Number One. You can worry about the fella down the line when you're feeling stronger and more stable. Neyite's post is great for what you can focus on practically as your next steps. And emotionally - there's a lot of support out there. Keep those lines open with your sisters, lean on the crisis pregnancy resources, do you have any close friends you can confide in? If it was me, I'd be lining up the healthcare appointments, going down the work mat leave route immediately and moving as close as possible to the people that care about me. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Leave the fella alone for now. He doesn't deserve your energy if he's not loving and supporting you.

Frankie Machine

pwurple wrote: »

Christ Pork life. Congratulations is what I would like to be saying in other circumstances, where you had a functional human being for a boyfriend.

And for those of you excusing his idiotic surprise, any grown man who ejaculates in a woman with working ovaries knows about the birds and the bees.


"Whaaaat , this is how babies are made??"




Hope you're doing ok, physically and emotionally.

Conversely, and considering we all know accidents happen, and just to use your own terminology - perhaps women with working ovaries ought go be more particular about the 'functioning human beings' they allow to ejaculate into them.

The notion that a man should automatically react 'supportively' to this news, just because he had sex with a woman - a connection between sex and procreation that was hard fought to separate for the sake of women's rights - is ridiculous.

lainey_d_123

Frankie Machine wrote: »

Conversely, and considering we all know accidents happen, and just to use your own terminology - perhaps women with working ovaries ought go be more particular about the 'functioning human beings' they allow to ejaculate into them.

The notion that a man should automatically react 'supportively' to this news, just because he had sex with a woman - a connection between sex and procreation that was hard fought to separate for the sake of women's rights - is ridiculous.

Wow - we've reached a new low. A woman who thought she had a loving and supportive partner is being blamed for not knowing about his secret cruel streak. Yes, it's definitely all her fault that she expected her long-term partner who she lives with to treat her with the most basic level of empathy and compassion.

Just shows how women can never, ever win. If we're extremely suspicious and cautious of men, we're called misandrists and man haters and told we'll die alone surrounded by cats. If we take men at their word and believe their promises, and decide it's safe to have sex with them, we're accused of not being 'particular' enough. Whatever we do is wrong in the eyes of sexists.

It's not about the pregnancy. He's perfectly entitled not to want children and even not to want to stay with OP if she has one. Accusing her of planning it to trap him and leaving her to deal with the entire thing alone is absolutely vile, cowardly, misogynistic behaviour which I would be appalled at even if it it came from someone I hardly knew, let alone the person I thought was my life partner.

Frankie Machine

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Wow - we've reached a new low. A woman who thought she had a loving and supportive partner is being blamed for not knowing about his secret cruel streak. Yes, it's definitely all her fault that she expected her long-term partner who she lives with to treat her with the most basic level of empathy and compassion.

I made a general statement in response to another poster's comments. I made no reference at all to the OP.

It's not about the pregnancy. He's perfectly entitled not to want children and even not to want to stay with OP if she has one. Accusing her of planning it to trap him and leaving her to deal with the entire thing alone is absolutely vile, cowardly, misogynistic behaviour which I would be appalled at even if it it came from someone I hardly knew, let alone the person I thought was my life partner.

It's not about the pregnancy, eh ?

I think you'll find that it is.

Xterminator

Let no one judge your decision and be prepared to live with it, no matter what you decide.

But let everyone judge the partner eh? Y'know without his side of the story and all that. Very constructive! Guilty verdict after trial on social media.

OP i wish you the best. you seem to be finding you strength now, fair play to you.

Re your (EX?) boyfriend, he is the father to this child. He has obligations (financial support) and rights too if & when the child is born. You don't need to be a couple for those rights and obligations to work, but it is best to keep communication lines open, and to be civil and constructive.

Good luck.

Neyite

Mod:
Everyone please remember that this is an advice forum not a discussion one. Replies should be helpful civil advice directed towards the OP rather than back and forth between other posters.

dubstarr

Ah Pork,you need to make the decision that benefits you.

Take him out of the equation.

We are all here for you.