Boyfriend's reaction to pregnancy

Sonic the Shaghog

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and it's awful behaviour of him.

Had he ever mentioned wanting children? I'm just wondering if it's a case of he never wanted them so is having a freak out.

You might to have to plan for financial only involvement from him unfortunately.

Jenneke87

Oh Porklife, big hug and what a nasty reaction from your boyfriend. I can imagine your head is all over the place and will probably remain so for a while. Forget about your boyfriend for now, he may come around later but if not, the decision is entirely yours. Please talk to people, it helped me a lot and will help you see things a bit more clearer and help you to move forward. If you want to keep the child, congratulations on your pregnancy, you will no doubt be a wonderful mother! If not, then I wish you all the best moving forward.

Porklife

Massive thank you to all and quick update. I got a late appointment in a clinic and had my first scan. Little bean has a heartbeat and is healthy. I'm delighted!! My bf came with me and held my hand as I cried. Afterwards he said he still needs time to think but we can meet over the coming days for coffee and chats. He said my antics on Saturday night showed a side of me he really didn't like (I screamed at him, called him a useless piece of **** amongst other things, kicked over our dining room table and smashed a vase). I understand my reaction was awful but I apologized and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't said it's the baby or me etc.
For now I just want to focus on being happy and healthy. I'll be ok with or without him. I won't be alone, I'll have my baby.
Thank you all so much for your support, advice, opinions and words of wisdom. Its been one hell of a week!

dubstarr

Porklife wrote: »

Massive thank you to all and quick update. I got a late appointment in a clinic and had my first scan. Little bean has a heartbeat and is healthy. I'm delighted!! My bf came with me and held my hand as I cried. Afterwards he said he still needs time to think but we can meet over the coming days for coffee and chats. He said my antics on Saturday night showed a side of me he really didn't like (I screamed at him, called him a useless piece of **** amongst other things, kicked over our dining room table and smashed a vase). I understand my reaction was awful but I apologized and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't said it's the baby or me etc.
For now I just want to focus on being happy and healthy. I'll be ok with or without him. I won't be alone, I'll have my baby.
Thank you all so much for your support, advice, opinions and words of wisdom. Its been one hell of a week!

Im glad baby is ok.But your bf reaction about Saturday is weird.What way did he expect you to react after issuing that ultimatum.
And his attitude showed a side that you didnt like. Did he apologise to you.

I think i would thread carefully regarding your bf.I think oyu are the one that needs space and you should do it at your pace,not his.He lost that right when he left you to go to his friends house.

Heres Johnny

He acted the dick no doubt, but I once had a relationship with outbursts like yours smashing and throwing things and I was out the gate without looking back as soon as it started. Mine was over bringing something wrong back from the shop. Lenor instead of comfort fabric softener, or vice versa. He will probably be involved with the child but outbursts like that send men running for the hills.

rainbowtrout

Porklife wrote: »

Massive thank you to all and quick update. I got a late appointment in a clinic and had my first scan. Little bean has a heartbeat and is healthy. I'm delighted!! My bf came with me and held my hand as I cried. Afterwards he said he still needs time to think but we can meet over the coming days for coffee and chats. He said my antics on Saturday night showed a side of me he really didn't like (I screamed at him, called him a useless piece of **** amongst other things, kicked over our dining room table and smashed a vase). I understand my reaction was awful but I apologized and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't said it's the baby or me etc.
For now I just want to focus on being happy and healthy. I'll be ok with or without him. I won't be alone, I'll have my baby.
Thank you all so much for your support, advice, opinions and words of wisdom. Its been one hell of a week!

Wow. So it's all your fault. I don't here any mention of an apology from him for his treatment of you or his behaviour. He's shifting all the blame on to you, for your reaction to his horrible ultimatum.

Good to hear the scan went well.

Porklife

Heres Johnny wrote: »

He acted the dick no doubt, but I once had a relationship with outbursts like yours smashing and throwing things and I was out the gate without looking back as soon as it started. Mine was over bringing something wrong back from the shop. Lenor instead of comfort fabric softener, or vice versa. He will probably be involved with the child but outbursts like that send men running for the hills.

Give me a break. Were together over a year and I've never so much as raised my voice at him. We are really affectionate usually. I had literally just found out I'm pregnant and he told me him and his family weren't going to be there for me.
You're clearly very immature and chose to go out with a mad woman throwing a strop over fabric softener. This is completely different and he has shouting at me on Thursday night pointing his finger and being an absolute asshole.
If you're mature and love someone you take all things into account and find a way especially if there's a baby on the way.

wildwillow

Delighted the scan went well. Here's to a good pregnancy and a healthy baby. You seem to be a strong person and will manage the future.

Purple Mountain

Let me offer congratulations on your impending arrival

lainey_d_123

Porklife wrote: »

Massive thank you to all and quick update. I got a late appointment in a clinic and had my first scan. Little bean has a heartbeat and is healthy. I'm delighted!! My bf came with me and held my hand as I cried. Afterwards he said he still needs time to think but we can meet over the coming days for coffee and chats. He said my antics on Saturday night showed a side of me he really didn't like (I screamed at him, called him a useless piece of **** amongst other things, kicked over our dining room table and smashed a vase). I understand my reaction was awful but I apologized and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't said it's the baby or me etc.
For now I just want to focus on being happy and healthy. I'll be ok with or without him. I won't be alone, I'll have my baby.
Thank you all so much for your support, advice, opinions and words of wisdom. Its been one hell of a week!

Thrilled the scan went well and you're feeling better about it all.

Major red flag from the bf there - classic tactic of abusers and terrible human beings to deflect like that. The absolute audacity to say he'd seen a side of you he didn't like when he'd just made such a vile comment to you. I think calling him a useless piece of **** and kicking over a table was actually on the mild end of what most people would have said and done in that situation.

He sounds like a manipulative dirtbag who is now attempting to somehow have the upper hand by convincing you you were the one in the wrong. Don't be surprised if he makes a big show of 'forgiving you' and 'deciding to give it a chance'. Then you'll get to walk on eggshells for your entire pregnancy because any snappiness or weariness will be taken as you being 'mean' and he'll have the attitude that he's doing you a favour by being there at all.

He does not sound like a good man. The only acceptable reaction after what he said to you was to come back with a sincere apology and say it was the shock talking. He's not sorry at all. He doesn't even think he did anything wrong, and not only that, he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the unhinged one who behaved poorly.

Tread carefully with this person. It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight and have the measure of him anyway.

Porklife

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Thrilled the scan went well and you're feeling better about it all.

Major red flag from the bf there - classic tactic of abusers and terrible human beings to deflect like that. The absolute audacity to say he'd seen a side of you he didn't like when he'd just made such a vile comment to you. I think calling him a useless piece of **** and kicking over a table was actually on the mild end of what most people would have said and done in that situation.

He sounds like a manipulative dirtbag who is now attempting to somehow have the upper hand by convincing you you were the one in the wrong. Don't be surprised if he makes a big show of 'forgiving you' and 'deciding to give it a chance'. Then you'll get to walk on eggshells for your entire pregnancy because any snappiness or weariness will be taken as you being 'mean' and he'll have the attitude that he's doing you a favour by being there at all.

He does not sound like a good man. The only acceptable reaction after what he said to you was to come back with a sincere apology and say it was the shock talking. He's not sorry at all. He doesn't even think he did anything wrong, and not only that, he's gaslighting you into thinking you're the unhinged one who behaved poorly.

Tread carefully with this person. It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight and have the measure of him anyway.

I agree Lainey and I won't fall for his bull****. I'm not gonna do anything on his terms after how he's treated me and he can stay away as far as I'm concerned. I know in my heart that I'm a good person and I can't say the same for him.
Let's see how it plays out but for now I've a cosy place to myself, a warm bed, lots of books and music and a fridge full of food. Me and little one will be just fine:)

John Hutton

Congratulations OP you will be a great mam.

On your bf going on about your actions, he is doing this to "justify" his behaviour. If he didn't give himself some excuse he would have to admit to you, and to himself, that he was a colossal prick. But by going down the "we both made mistakes" road he avoids that and is setting an even foundation for peace.

It sounds like he is coming around though. If you want to make up it sounds like you can. But dont feel you have to.

cannotlogin

I thought congratulations might have been premature earlier when you were having mixed emotions but congratulations, enjoy this very special time.

Some of the most amazing women I know are single mothers and there's no reason why you won't be the same if it comes to that. Take it easy and keep your stress levels low. If that means limiting time with your (ex) partner, then so be it.

Best of luck.

Princess Calla

Porklife wrote: »

Let's see how it plays out but for now I've a cosy place to myself, a warm bed, lots of books and music and a fridge full of food. Me and little one will be just fine:)

Congratulations hun, I kinda expected once you saw the scan and heard the heartbeat there'd be no turning back

Enjoy your gazillion thread count Egyptian cotton sheets pretty soon they'll be covered in vomit and poop (from the baby ).... I'm telling ya the bamboo cotton when half price in home store and more are the way to go.

I can only echo a warning about him deflecting everything back to you. He comes across as someone who can't handle responsibility for his actions.

Look after yourself and do what's best for you xx

Surreptitious

Delighted the scan went well and you are feeling stronger and better. You have gotten some lovely advice on here so far. Good luck to you and your future x
(Your username always makes me giggle!!)

Frankie Machine

Porklife wrote: »

I'm just feeling so let down and saddened by his reaction.

Well, what had your discussion been on the subject of children ?

Since you are both in your late thirties, why did you not start a family before now ?

Is it because you were operating as a couple on the basis that you weren't going to start a family ?

I don't see how his reaction would have been so extreme, otherwise.

One way or another, your decision to keep the child now has drastic, lifechanging, emotionally and financially expensive consequences for him as well as you.

Nobody should shout and scream and kick and threaten, of course.

Only the night before we found out he told me he loves me more than ever.

On a completely different basis to what you presented less than 24 hours later, surely you agree ?

It is your right, not your obligation, to keep the child.

And you have now let him know where your real priorities lie, by deciding to do so.

Just wanting to offer a different perspective, that's all.

I wish you all the very best.

Antares35

Heres Johnny wrote: »

He acted the dick no doubt, but I once had a relationship with outbursts like yours smashing and throwing things and I was out the gate without looking back as soon as it started. Mine was over bringing something wrong back from the shop. Lenor instead of comfort fabric softener, or vice versa. He will probably be involved with the child but outbursts like that send men running for the hills.

In fairness this wasn't about fabric conditioner! He did act the maggot and OP was still processing the news! If a guy goes running for the hills over a simple vase then he's not much of a guy. I know only too well how pregnancy can mess with ones mental health, and ask my OH, he's been through the wars, but he's still here. Not every man runs for the hills at the first sign of trouble. And I think these are unprecedented times for OP and her partner.

suicide_circus

Porklife wrote: »

Massive thank you to all and quick update. I got a late appointment in a clinic and had my first scan. Little bean has a heartbeat and is healthy. I'm delighted!! My bf came with me and held my hand as I cried. Afterwards he said he still needs time to think but we can meet over the coming days for coffee and chats. He said my antics on Saturday night showed a side of me he really didn't like (I screamed at him, called him a useless piece of **** amongst other things, kicked over our dining room table and smashed a vase). I understand my reaction was awful but I apologized and I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't said it's the baby or me etc.
For now I just want to focus on being happy and healthy. I'll be ok with or without him. I won't be alone, I'll have my baby.
Thank you all so much for your support, advice, opinions and words of wisdom. Its been one hell of a week!

Little bean

qwerty13

I’m not trying to put a dampener on things, but I think any decision that you make needs to be on the basis that you won’t have his support, emotionally or financially.

I totally understand his shock, but taking it out on you was not acceptable. I’m not sure it’s forgivable. Accidents happen. If he felt THAT strongly about never fathering a child, why didn’t he get the snip?

If this is how he deals with a crisis, do you really want him involved in your life for the rest of your life. Which is what will happen if you both parent a child. And to be practical, could you rely on him paying maintenance - and could you handle things if he had to be chased through the courts re maintenance.

Hannibal_Smith

Delighted for you Porklife congratulations.

He tells you him and his family won't support you and its him or the baby and then has the absolute nerve to say he is finding difficulty dealing with what you did. What a muppet. Wouldn't be surprised if this is his way of trying to end things that gets him out of the 'walking out on his pregnant girlfriend' scenario.

Look after yourself.

screamer

Glad to hear the scan went well. Pregnancy is a stressful time for a lot of us, and the hormones don’t help, that’s for sure. Focus on yourself and that little bean, and try to avoid situations that cause you so much stress that you react that way, it’s not good for either of you. Your BF really has to be lowest priority right now, being honest he seems wishy washy about the whole thing, maybe he’ll warm to it, maybe he won’t, but it’s important that you are in control of your own future and you need to make your plans without him in them. If he sticks around and that’s what you wasn’t, then ok but don’t leave yourself in a vulnerable position where you’re relying on him. Congratulations, baby’s are amazing little people and they give so much love.

Porklife

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Delighted for you Porklife congratulations.

He tells you him and his family won't support you and its him or the baby and then has the absolute nerve to say he is finding difficulty dealing with what you did. What a muppet. Wouldn't be surprised if this is his way of trying to end things that gets him out of the 'walking out on his pregnant girlfriend' scenario.

Look after yourself.

Thank you all so much. Your support has been incredible during this time and has been the holding hand I needed.
I think I've received all the wise words to give me the strength to make the right decision in all regards (here's hoping anyway!), so Mods, please feel free to close the thread.

dubstarr

Porklife wrote: »

I agree Lainey and I won't fall for his bull****. I'm not gonna do anything on his terms after how he's treated me and he can stay away as far as I'm concerned. I know in my heart that I'm a good person and I can't say the same for him.
Let's see how it plays out but for now I've a cosy place to myself, a warm bed, lots of books and music and a fridge full of food. Me and little one will be just fine:)

That's great Porklife,you seem to have your head screwed on.Congratulations on the pregnancy and you know we're here if you need a rant.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Closing the thread as per OPs request.

Thanks to all who offered help and advice.

Very best of luck Porklife and if you want the thread reopened at any stage just let one of the Mod Team know.
Thanks

HS