Moving to rural setting

OctoberGirl

First time poster so apologies if this isnt the right forum. In the grand scheme of what is going on at the moment for people, this may seem trivial.

My family and I currently live in a nice, small commuter town outside Dublin. 2 children - 1 in third class, one in sixth class. In general, we are very happy here - but the town is growing rapidly, and the town is loosing its small town feel - one of the things that attracted us to the place when we bought here 12 years ago.
Neither myself nor my husband are from here - but my family (parents etc) live 30 mins away, and husbands parents 2 hours away.

I mention above that we are 'happy' here - but my husband has always said from the outset that he doesnt want to live in an estate (albeit its small and nice), and would love a home in the country, like where he grew up. I have made alot of friends since we moved here, my husband less so - he isnt overly sociable, and if I am honest, is much more comfortable with rural life. I grew up in a city, but am as happy in the country - and moving to a rural setting does not scare me totally.

We are lucky enough that we have no mortgage on our house. I work for myself from home, but my husband, in the current environment would be considered an essential worker and has to physically be on site.
My husband wants to move to the Munster area - and wont even consider looking at houses in rural settings near where we are at the moment. This would mean he would be closer to his parents, but I would be further from mine. My parents are in their late 70s, mixed health with one of them - and I am extremely close to both. His parents are mid 70s, health ok, but they are very set in their ways, and wont really leave the house too much ( outside of Covid times), unless we are around.

Conundrum.
I would move but I would be concerned about :
- My children and the ages they are at. My eldest is due to start secondary next September and is very invested in friends and that they are all going to the 'same' post primary school (local one nearby has an excellent reputation). Myself and husband in mid -late 40s.
- Moving away from my parents. They are the most placid people I know - make no demands on anyone, and I consider them good friends. I would be concerned moving circa 2 + hours away if something happened etc. I am lucky enough all my siblings are within a 3k radius of them at the moment.
-Moving closer to his parents. While they are very set in their ways - if we were within easy driving distance of them, I know they would be up/down to us all the time. His mother, while lovely most of the time, is one of those people who comments on what everyone else should be doing, and has been hurtful to me in the past, albeit unintentionally. Not sure I could manage her on a regular basis.

Part of me thinks myself and my husband should put our 'move' on hold ie
- Wait circa 10 years until the children were through their primary and secondary education. But then college - would we still feel we could 'move' then?? Husbands current job is secure and he enjoys it - but he could (probably) secure a similar role elsewhere in the country...
- Wait a couple more years until we have a better feel of things ie maybe when my eldest child would be moving to transition year and youngest secondary? But I imagine moving school into transition year would be difficult. Does anyone have experience of that?
-Move within the next year - but I think the transition for children may be difficult? Perhaps? Both children have a lot of good friends around and I would worry if they would feel lonely / anxious if we removed that comfort from them. We have discussed this 'move' in their presence and they are both ' no,no,no' about it...

Apologies if this isnt the right forum for this - and if this seems trivial in the grand scheme of what is going on, but this is consuming my mind at the moment.

M

Loveinapril

To be honest, I would be most concerned about the children in this. I moved within weeks of starting secondary school and didn't know anyone. It was incredibly difficult getting to know a new area and not having any friends at all, and even over 20 years later, I still remember the isolation and loneliness clearly. I am also very aware of the last 6 months and how difficult that has been on everyone, but particularly children. It will take a while before everything settles into a new normal and I wonder if moving them at this time would add a lot of unnecessary stress onto their lives given that the move would be so far away. I would certainly be putting any thoughts on moving off for another few years anyway.

TP_CM

I thought most commuter towns had countryside within a 10 minute drive of them. Have you looked around the commuter town you're in?

Edit: Sorry, I'm just seeing your point about your husband wanting to move to Munster.

Yes I think the kids would suffer in that case, and while they'd survive it might not be the best for them, especially if they have close relationships they have formed with other nice kids. If they're in a close-knit group of nice friends I would hang on to that with everything I have. They might not be so lucky if you move. I would push to live in the counteryside nearby for the next 10 years and look into Munster after that.

Does your husband have rational reasons for wanting to live in Munster? It doesn't sound like his desire to move there is based on anything rational? Sometimes people enjoyed their childhood so much in a place they think it can be recreated when they're older without realising that times and responsibilities have changed since then.

irishblessing

I think your children are at the top of the considerations here in light of all the details. You don't need to move, and you're both ok and settled where you are. In my opinion it would be very unfair to uproot the children where they are now, especially your oldest. In your shoes I wouldn't even consider it tbh in light of there being no other pressing concerns for the move-just personal preference of your husband. You say you're both happy there but if you move your children will be very unhappy and so will you in the loss of your friendly parents and friends close by. Considering the impact of covid things are tough enough. I wouldn't even consider moving my children from their friends at a time like this, and also in light of both you and your husband being happy just now too. Leave well enough alone...

dubal

It does strike me as your husband always wanted to move home and just saw this as a stepping stone. The more built up area is now just an excuse to follow is dream.

Not sure he's considering you or the kids in this

Jequ0n

It's probably me, but what is the problem exactly? You are not moving every year, you are considering moving once?
They'll adapt faster than you think. I know

Upforthematch

Is there something else annoying your husband here?

Moving you all to his homeplace with no talk of him doing this for work reasons or any beneficial reason for your family other than 'he likes the country' doesn't make sense.

Airyfairy12

The kids are important but to be honest id wonder if you will also find the move difficult to adjust to. Not sure if youve ever lived in the country side before? Theres so much to consider like having to drive to and from the closest town or village for literally anything, this becomes such a hassle, having to pick up and drop your kids into town every time they want to do literally anything outside of the house, icy roads in the winter - country roads never get gritted, the isolation, having very few amenities around you... It might not seem like much to consider but when youre used to the city all of the little things that come with rural living can take their toll.

HildaOgdenx

It's not at all trivial. There's an awful lot to consider.
Personally, I would be reluctant to have any more upheaval, right now, given the times we are in.

I'm not sure there is a compromise solution, or a happy medium. You live near your parents now, and are happy to be at a distance from his. He wants to live near his parents, and that will mean you are at a distance from yours. So that's a conundrum straightaway.

For the children, yes, they most likely would adapt. But, they have been through a lot in the last six or seven months, and are probably getting used to the new set up in their schools, and a bit of 'normality' such as it is. I would be reluctant, in your shoes, to disrupt that, unnecessarily.

Previous posters have made the point about living in the countryside versus town. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, so that would need to be thrashed out.

If living rurally, there would most likely be more time spent taking the children to and from classes, hobbies, meeting friends and so forth. Jumping forward a bit, when it comes to third level education, if you are living some distance from where they want to study, accommodation can be pricey on top of fees versus them being able to live at home while studying.

In the current climate, is it realistic for your husband to believe that he will get a job, if you do move? Maybe it is, depending on what type of job he does. It's quite a consideration, in my opinion.

These are just top of my head thoughts. There's no easy answer.

qwerty13

It sounds like your husband has some idealised version of where he imagines his life, but that he’s not taking into account any practicalities, or others in your family.

I think moving would be a big mistake, unless he can present a lot of advantages to you and your kids.

99nsr125

In short don't

How about a holiday home

You have no mortgage, get to satisfy the country feel
Are saving as you pay the mortgage, don't have to disturb your children or careers and potentially get to be close to both sets of parents.

OctoberGirl wrote: »

First time poster so apologies if this isnt the right forum. In the grand scheme of what is going on at the moment for people, this may seem trivial.

My family and I currently live in a nice, small commuter town outside Dublin. 2 children - 1 in third class, one in sixth class. In general, we are very happy here - but the town is growing rapidly, and the town is loosing its small town feel - one of the things that attracted us to the place when we bought here 12 years ago.
Neither myself nor my husband are from here - but my family (parents etc) live 30 mins away, and husbands parents 2 hours away.

I mention above that we are 'happy' here - but my husband has always said from the outset that he doesnt want to live in an estate (albeit its small and nice), and would love a home in the country, like where he grew up. I have made alot of friends since we moved here, my husband less so - he isnt overly sociable, and if I am honest, is much more comfortable with rural life. I grew up in a city, but am as happy in the country - and moving to a rural setting does not scare me totally.

We are lucky enough that we have no mortgage on our house. I work for myself from home, but my husband, in the current environment would be considered an essential worker and has to physically be on site.
My husband wants to move to the Munster area - and wont even consider looking at houses in rural settings near where we are at the moment. This would mean he would be closer to his parents, but I would be further from mine. My parents are in their late 70s, mixed health with one of them - and I am extremely close to both. His parents are mid 70s, health ok, but they are very set in their ways, and wont really leave the house too much ( outside of Covid times), unless we are around.

Conundrum.
I would move but I would be concerned about :
- My children and the ages they are at. My eldest is due to start secondary next September and is very invested in friends and that they are all going to the 'same' post primary school (local one nearby has an excellent reputation). Myself and husband in mid -late 40s.
- Moving away from my parents. They are the most placid people I know - make no demands on anyone, and I consider them good friends. I would be concerned moving circa 2 + hours away if something happened etc. I am lucky enough all my siblings are within a 3k radius of them at the moment.
-Moving closer to his parents. While they are very set in their ways - if we were within easy driving distance of them, I know they would be up/down to us all the time. His mother, while lovely most of the time, is one of those people who comments on what everyone else should be doing, and has been hurtful to me in the past, albeit unintentionally. Not sure I could manage her on a regular basis.

Part of me thinks myself and my husband should put our 'move' on hold ie
- Wait circa 10 years until the children were through their primary and secondary education. But then college - would we still feel we could 'move' then?? Husbands current job is secure and he enjoys it - but he could (probably) secure a similar role elsewhere in the country...
- Wait a couple more years until we have a better feel of things ie maybe when my eldest child would be moving to transition year and youngest secondary? But I imagine moving school into transition year would be difficult. Does anyone have experience of that?
-Move within the next year - but I think the transition for children may be difficult? Perhaps? Both children have a lot of good friends around and I would worry if they would feel lonely / anxious if we removed that comfort from them. We have discussed this 'move' in their presence and they are both ' no,no,no' about it...

Apologies if this isnt the right forum for this - and if this seems trivial in the grand scheme of what is going on, but this is consuming my mind at the moment.

M

tara73

From your post, I can't see any other reason than your husbands own desire to live at his birth place again.

sounds selfish to me.

okiss

Having read your post I would like to say what I think. Your husband wants to move to be near his parents. From what you have said about your mother in law I think if you lived near her she would be calling into you or expecting you to be in a position to help her and your father in law as they get older. Your husband wants to move back near where he grew up but I don't think he has considered the following.

Your both in your 40's with no mortgage on your present home. One of your kids is starting secondary school in a year time and the other child will be their 3 years later. Your kids are happy in school and have friends their. When you mentioned moving away from the area your kids said they don't want to move.
It very hard to move to a new school during secondary school as you have to make new friends. Also you know the schools in your current area but not where your husband wants to move to. So your kids could end up in a school they don't like and with very few friends. So they will be coming home unhappy and you will be left dealing with the fall out.

You mentioned your living in a commuter town near Dublin. In time that gives your kids the option of commuting to college in Dublin or getting work experience during college in a relivent company in Dublin.

You also mentioned that your self employed and your husband has a job he happy in. If he was to move near his parents would he get the same job/money that he currently has? I have seen people wanting to get jobs back near where they came from and it can be very hard. Also could you still have your own business in a different part of the country?

bigpink

I'd be telling the husband no
Ye have no mortgage and are working?That's a position not many people have

okiss

After reading your post I like to say what I think of your current situation and how your husband is keen to move back to living near his parents.

At the moment you are in your mid to late 40's. You live in a commuter town of Dublin with no mortgage. You have a child due to start a good secondary school next year and your 2nd child to follow them in another few years. You know the local school is good and both of your children can go their. Moving to a new area - you don't know the schools. Some good schools can be very hard to get into and some have feeder primary schools. Then your driving them to school or trying to get them on to school bus.

Also your children are happy in their current school and have friends. They move to a new area they have to deal with a new school and knowing no one their. Moving school during secondary school would be very hard. Also you children have told you they don't want to move from the area.

Your self employed and your husband has a job he is happy in. You said your husband could get a job near his parents but has he looked into this? I have seen friends try hard to get jobs in the country but their either no work in their field , it part time only or salaries are a lot lower.
What about your self employment? You probably have a certain customers, know a lot of people and have built up a business where you get more work due to word of mouth.

Another thing to consider is that your currently living in the Dublin commuter belt and that gives your children more options re commuting to college or getting work experience during college in a relivent company in Dublin.

I also think that where you live currently may have a bus/train service to Dublin and that your friends and the kids friends are close by along with your parents.
If you move to a rural area you will spend a lot more time in the car picking up and dropping off the kids. You could have to drive few miles to get milk/bread. Along with this their are some parts of Ireland that have no public transport or might just have a bus to the local big town once a week. Internet coverage is improving in rural Ireland but some places can't get it or it's very slow. The same with mobile phone coverage.

My feeling is that your husband wants to move back towards where he came from because his mother could be encouraging this. She might also think/expect that you will be their always when she calls over or that you offer more support as they get older or mind them rather than have to move to a nursing home.
The reality is that its not just him moving back to the rural area he came from and he needs to consider you, your life along with his kids lives going forward.
Also moving is not cheap. You have to sell your current house to buy in the new area that's if you can find a suitable house that does not need a major amount of work.
Then when your kids get to college you could have higher costs as commuting to college is not an option where it could be where you now live.
You business may not be viable in the new area so your now living on one income -that's if your husband can get a job similar to his current one without taking a large pay drop.

To be honest you need to have a serious conversation about this with him. In your current situation I would not be keen to move to a rural area near his parents. I think you and the children would be giving up a lot to suit him and his parents long term. I would be worried that in time you end up caring for his parents also. From what you said about his mother that she would be very stuck in her ways. I know woman like this and as they get older they don't change and can get quite sharp with their tongue.
He told you I don't like living in an estate so you were willing to move to a more rural area near where your currently live but he is not willing to do this.
As a adult with a wife and family he needs to put you and the children before his elderly parents.

tara73

tara73 wrote: »

From your post, I can't see any other reason than your husbands own desire to live at his birth place again.

sounds selfish to me.

just to add, selfish because, as you described it already, to upheaval the kids without any need for it. No moving because of job change or other urgent, necessary life improving stuff for the whole family.

And others had a good point, who will do all the driving around the kids or will you live in a rural town with all amenities?

also the mother in law, there were are already problems with her bevaviour towards you. That's a big point. Could make your life a lot more miserable every day. Is that in his interest?

Did you discuss all this with him? You need to, and see what he has to say to it. My guess is he just brushes it off.

I wouldn't give in to it under no circumstances, feels like madness, this move. You sound like a nice, level headed person, don't let yourself be walked over in this case, and give in in fear of a conflict. Conflicts of interest are part of relationships too. It's about your quality of life and that of the kids too.

LegacyUser

I can see both sides. I am from the country and my husband is from a suburban area. We moved to a housing estate very much against my wishes eight years ago. I’ve always hated it here. It’s not a bad one, but I very much don’t belong. They’re all related/ friends, etc. The kids are in and out of each other’s houses, etc. My husband has made friends in this town and integrated well but I never have. All my friends moved outside towns to the country and after eight years, we are finally doing the same. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this place has played Merry hell with my mental health. There’s never, ever peace here. Right now, I can hear kids screaming and shouting, my neighbour’s music and diy... I absolutely hate it. I have done since the word go.

His parents live about half an hour away and mine three hours. The notion that he couldn’t move further from his parents has caused so many fights down through the years. He has three siblings living within half an hour of them and sees them regularly anyway. Once a month max for my parents was grand because it doesn’t impact him. It really made me unhappy though.

We have young kids who go to a different school to the locals here and don’t play out on the street. There are about three families like us. Finally, during lockdown he saw what I see. A packed place full of noise and no boundaries. We are moving out to the countryside about an hour from here. We’ll be further from his parents and closer to mine. Not exactly in anyone’s pockets but we will have a better quality of life.

If I were you, I would agree to a move to the countryside but not that far away. Yes, you’ll have to drive your kids but that’s hardly the greatest evil. Honestly, he put himself first for so long that I don’t know how I stood it.

Again, this place isn’t big or bad but it’s very much a place that I could never be happy in and I suspect that from what your husband said, he is the same. Compromise!

osarusan

Happy kids with good friends in a secondary school with a good reputation is not something to be given up lightly.

Tork

Is there anything that has happened to make your husband want to move now? Have his parents been ill, for example? Or has his unhappiness about where you're living got worse? I've read about people who've come to realise that their current homes aren't for them after being stuck in them for months thanks to Covid. People who realised they would like a home office, a bigger garden, to live in a less built-up area etc. Is there something else going on that's making him want to run away and return to his childhood area?

I would have thought that a move to the countryside, near where you're living now would have been a good compromise. Can you dig down and find out why he doesn't just want to leave your estate but to move so far?

OctoberGirl

OP here
Thanks for all your replies and advice.
Part of me feels bad posting here on this matter - my husband is (in general :-)), a very decent, honest man, who would do anything for anyone - but he seems blinkered when it comes to this topic.
From the outset when we moved here, ( we were both working nearby at the time) - he always maintained he didnt want to be here forever. My job has more or less stayed the same, but he has moved a couple of times - and the current position he is in is a big step financially, and prospect-wise, from where he was when we moved here. He is an essential worker in the current context of the world ie always has to be on site - not a possibility for him to work from home, and hasnt worked from home once in the current Covid climate.

Realistically, I dont think we will be moving in the current year, with everything going on, but I do worry that this is just being pushed down the road until the day something happens to one of his parents, and it could be deemed as me being the issue and not moving when we should have ie a few years ago / this coming year.
I worry that, while his parents are in relatively good health, socially they aren't great - so there is little support network where they are if something was to happen to the other. They wouldnt have many friends, callers - and she has categorically stated on many occasions that she never wants to be put in a nursing home. Its not something most of us would 'want', but needs must at times if care is a concern, in my opinion.
I fear when we get to that stage - I will be the 'baddie' or we would have to move in order to take care of the remaining parent. My husband has 1 sibling who is single but they wouldnt be the easiest person to engage in this situation.

While I do mention ' in due course', I would be ok to move to a rural setting - I dont like the area my inlaws are in, and I could never live there or too nearby, but I fear if I dont set roots somewhere else - this is what I will need to do when the time comes.

I know this is all somewhat hypothetical stuff - but its what occupies my mind - selfish as it may sound.

HildaOgdenx

Who would be the carer, should the situation arise, you or your husband?

Hannibal_Smith

When you say this is all hypothetical, have you had a recent conversation thats kicked off this concern?

You say you were both drawn to the small town appeal of where you currently live and both are becoming disillusioned by it. So moving is on the cards either way? Which will probably mean changing schools etc for the children anyway?

If there are only two siblings and one isn't very helpful, I can understand why your husband would want to move closer to his parents. But can a compromise be made that you move half way between both families?

irishblessing

There's some assumptions here. Some elderly people don't need caring-I hate to point this out but sometimes life meets a short stop, you just never know.
It sounds like you'd like a change to the rural scene yourself at the end of the day? I wonder if a compromise like you mentioned earlier is the right one. Something more rural but still local to where you are which would suit your husband, yet keep the children in the same schools with their friends and you close to your family?
Rural houses tend to be bigger-how about looking for one (or building on a site) with a granny flat for your in-laws? If they don't want to go into a nursing home one day (assuming it comes to that) then I would say they need to meet you where you're at, not the other way round. And then where will you be once your own parents need a bit of extra help?