grandparent and grandchildren

LegacyUser

i am at mid life stage married with three kids and without been big headed would consider myself successful with work and family. however i have an issue with my father in that i think he takes little or no interest in my kids.

He is a widower and he just dotes on a niece of mine/his other grandchild. at one stage i resented this niece but i just told myself to cop on, its not her fault. she lives close to him and he brings her everywhere, has given he some of my mothers jewellery and so on. if she is not interested in my grandfather for whatever reason he will start playing with her brother to try and make her jealous.... it may seem that i have an issue with his relationship with my niece but i dont, shes a perfectly grand girl and i get on well with her, i am only mentioning these things to highlight how he can be with grandkids.

When it comes to my kids he shoes little or no interest. I live less than 10 minutes from him but i dont bother taking my kids to see him any more as he barley talks to them when i do go to see him. he might give them a biscuit or bar of chocolate when he sees them and crack some kind of joke with them but that will be about it, all over in 2 minutes. I think his attitude is a bit **** and if i have learned anything from him its not how to treat my grandchidren if i do have any.

my grandfather is 70 years old living on his own, i would have thought he would like a bit of company. i have three kids all under 10 and when i do go home i bring all three and my nieces and nephews are around the same age and it drives him and when they are all together and playing and making noise. part of me thinks that he doesnt understand that kids are kids and he thinks they think like adults and should act like adults.

When i grew up my mother did a lot of the parenting as he would have been working a lot of the time. i have a sister who lives a bit away and she has three kids. He dotes on one of these and ignores the other two to the point of been rude and i know their father has an issue with this.

I dont know why i am on here or what i am looking for. Part of me thinks that its my fault and what did i or my kids do wrong and then some times i say feck it hes not worth it. there is no point in talking to him as he never talks to anyone about his feelings and if i were to say anything about him it wouldnt achieve anything.

his is a bit of a bully in his own right and is not used to been wrong or people standing up to him. One of my kids used to suck his thumb and my father put mustard on his finger one sunday when i was there in front of my brother and sister. my kid was about 4.5 years and he rubbed his the mustard off on the table cloth and my father was disgusted and said if that was his son he knows what he would do with him. i confronted him and said hes just a child , what did he expect him to do and he got a shock that some one would stand up to him and he just walked out of the room. i suppose one positive that i can take from his behaviour is not how to treat my kids and any grandchildren.

jelly&icecream

To be honest, is probably better he hasn't taken an interest in them. Kids pick up on that favouritism crap easily and can be very upset by it. It would be worse if he decided one of your three was the pet and ignored the other two.

At this stage if his life he isn't going to change so I would shield your kids from his antics as much as possible. Keep the relationship as minimal and surface level as possible.

He sounds like a bully. Did he have an obvious favourite between his own children when you were a child? Has this carried on to the next generation?

Ellie2008

Is it an age thing OP? How old is the niece you mention? Is it that he finds little kids too much to handle at 70?

If he does play with your niece’s brother to make her jealous that is frankly extremely weird. I pity both of those kids.

LegacyUser

yes he is a bully. doesnt like been challenged or been told what to do
yes, he always had his chosen one child too. that would have been my nieces (the niece i refer to) father that was his favourite. i get on very well with this brother and i have no resentment towards him, its not his fault. my brother knows that my father has favourites but passes no remarks.

jelly&icecream wrote: »

To be honest, is probably better he hasn't taken an interest in them. Kids pick up on that favouritism crap easily and can be very upset by it. It would be worse if he decided one of your three was the pet and ignored the other two.

At this stage if his life he isn't going to change so I would shield your kids from his antics as much as possible. Keep the relationship as minimal and surface level as possible.

He sounds like a bully. Did he have an obvious favourite between his own children when you were a child? Has this carried on to the next generation?

LegacyUser

the niece and her brother that i am on about are the same age as my kids. it may be that he finds it hard to handle so many kids but its only half a dozen times a year at most when all the kids are in his house and as they are getting older it will be less and less often. part of me thinks that he doesnt like so many people round cause then he gets to spend less time with his grand daughter as she is always mad to play with her cousins.

in terms of him making one child jealous it was my brother who told me that so other people notice his behaviour.

if he was asked about this he would be the kind of person who would say i will do what i want and how dare you challenge me. i am close to an aunt who is a sister of his and while she is not surprised at his actions she is disgusted with him

i think overall i will keep the kids away from him but i genuinely dont think this will achieve anything with him but maybe i am better off keeping the kids away from him for the kids sake. the other side of this is that i was very close to my granny and two grandparents passed away before i was born and i would have liked to have known these.

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Is it an age thing OP? How old is the niece you mention? Is it that he finds little kids too much to handle at 70?

If he does play with your niece’s brother to make her jealous that is frankly extremely weird. I pity both of those kids.

qwerty13

Some people just aren’t into kids. Especially if he’s a very old-school man. It sounds like he didn’t hugely experience the young and noisy phase of his own kids, so not hard to imagine that he has no frame of reference for that for his grandkids. He literally might not realise ‘that’s just how kids are’, or how they set each other off.

What ages are the grandkids that he’s interested in? Can they have a proper conversation with him, as opposed to buzzing around making noise? If he lives on his own, he might be less tolerant of young noisy kids. Tbh that’s his right to not like that, and forcing your kids on him won’t help or change anything. Maybe he just does not know how to deal with younger kids, and when they older (and calmer), he’ll engage more.

The favouritism stuff is not good though. Are your sure it’s favouritism, and not just older less noisy kids that he engages with more? You said yourself that the niece of yours that he favours lives nearer. Maybe he just sees her more, or is used to her. And thankfully you realised that you resenting her was a terribly unfair idea. Maybe he gets on with her parents more than he does with you, maybe he’s used to her parents more, or used to her more.

I don’t think it’s fair to call him “bad grandpa”. How long is it since your mother died? Is he still grieving? Is he an introvert, who finds multiple people (especially noisy needy small ones) very trying? Do you contact him first to ask if it suits him to call to him? Do you ask if it’s ok to bring any or all of your kids? I think assuming he’d ‘like a bit of company’ is a bit patronising tbh. Do you ever chat to him without your kids present, go for a pint (well maybe not at the moment) - basically do you engage with what is going on in his life? What does he need from you as a son; rather than what do you want from him as a grandfather? Do you think if you and he got on better, that would change anything about how he engages with your kids?

I’m not saying that I’m right in all or any of the above. Or that you’re wrong. They’re just suggestions to consider. It sounds like you had a less than ideal relationship with your father growing up, but you’re suddenly expecting that he is the ideal grandfather to your kids. That just doesn’t fit. He’s not ignoring them. He talks to them for a short time and gives them a treat. He’s just not engaging with them as much as you’d like him to, and tbh, I’d say that’s his choice to do so. I don’t know how to ‘fix’ the relationship so that you are both happy with it (you and your father). I think it’s at least worth considering that it’s not working for your father as much as it’s not working for you.

3DataModem

There's nothing you can do to make someone change what they like and don't like. All you can change is what YOU do.

GingerLily

Aside from other issues, I reckon he favours the other granddaughter because she's on her own so not too noisy / energetic. You have a few kids, I can see how that can be overwhelming for some.

jelly&icecream

GingerLily wrote: »

Aside from other issues, I reckon he favours the other granddaughter because she's on her own so not too noisy / energetic. You have a few kids, I can see how that can be overwhelming for some.

The poster said that the niece is in the same age bracket as the OP's kids and also has at least one sibling. They've also said that he blatantly favoured the nieces father above his other children. So tbh I don't think his age, kids ages etc are the major factor here. He just sounds like a nasty person who has always been nasty. Probably gets a kick over the non favoured children desperately seeking his approval and acceptance.

It's your job to look after and protect your children so that's what you should do. I certainly wouldn't be chasing around after him. Keep him at a safe distance and minimise your kids exposure to that crap.

qwerty13

jelly&icecream wrote: »

The poster said that the niece is in the same age bracket as the OP's kids and also has at least one sibling. They've also said that he blatantly favoured the nieces father above his other children. So tbh I don't think his age, kids ages etc are the major factor here. He just sounds like a nasty person who has always been nasty. Probably gets a kick over the non favoured children desperately seeking his approval and acceptance.

It's your job to look after and protect your children so that's what you should do. I certainly wouldn't be chasing around after him. Keep him at a safe distance and minimise your kids exposure to that crap.

Or:
-he’s used to his niece as she lives nearer
-he is ok with one kid, but not 3
-maybe the OPs kids are used to running around, and the grandfather doesn’t like that

None of us know which is correct. But there’s room to assume that that grandfather is not bad.

jelly&icecream

qwerty13 wrote: »

Or:
-he’s used to his niece as she lives nearer
-he is ok with one kid, but not 3
-maybe the OPs kids are used to running around, and the grandfather doesn’t like that

None of us know which is correct. But there’s room to assume that that grandfather is not bad.

The OP lives less than 10 mins from him.
The favoured grandchild has at least one sibling.
He plays mind games with the set of grandkids that are further away where he only shows an interest in one and is rude to the others...

Maybe the OPs kids are a bit more boisterous and tiring for him, maybe not. If that is the case then it's no harm for everyone's sakes you keep the relationship distant and superficial.

But the OP has painted a pretty clear picture that the grandfather is pretty nasty. The OP, the favourite brother, the aunt have all noticed his behaviour over a long time period. You can read in the OPs writing how his behaviour has affected him/her over the years. And he isn't going to change at 70.

LegacyUser

How does he react to your children when hes in your house? It might be better to invite him over to yours less noise with children if your niece and nephew arent there too

bertiebomber

Forget about changing him. Go to visit him alone as a daughter & have a cuppa and a chat about life and everyday things stop bringing your kids. lLet him ask why and then say you dont want to overwhelm him let him then open his hand to them not until he does that leave them at home. At 70 children can be and are annoying to an elderly old school man. Be empathic to him he is old and not long for this life.

Graces7

bertiebomber wrote: »

Forget about changing him. Go to visit him alone as a daughter & have a cuppa and a chat about life and everyday things stop bringing your kids. lLet him ask why and then say you dont want to overwhelm him let him then open his hand to them not until he does that leave them at home. At 70 children can be and are annoying to an elderly old school man. Be empathic to him he is old and not long for this life.

Perfect, well apart from the last sentence :eek: I am way older than he is...

I blench at the thought of three children racing round my room. Just is as you say overwhelming.

Let him make the choice? He lives alone so is in quietude most of the time.

LegacyUser

My Grandparents def favored me massively over my brother when we were kids. My granny would offer to take me for a few days holiday several times a year but took my brother once and never offered again. He would have been much louder and out going as a kid then me which I don't think they could handle.

Even now as adults while she's happy to see him when he visits and treats him equal to other grand kids with gifts etc but she clearly has a lower opinion on him compared to the rest. Don't know why this is, one cousin has been in trouble for drugs, been divorced (horror in granny's eyes) and has struggled bouncing from job to job while my brother is very boring with no big vice, works hard etc etc yet me granny thinks he's bad with money and doesn't work enough. It's mainly down to my brother working in an industry she doesn't understand, its very tech heavy and based on short term contracts that pay really well but I think my gran still sees work as going to one company to work 9 to 5 for 40 years.

We've given up trying to understand why this view of my brother has got stuck for her. My brother still makes the effort to visit her but don't push to have her change her mind, just don't think it's worth the effort.

Is it really worth getting worked up over OP

happyday

It does hurt when a grandparent favours one grandchild over another but I think grandparents often don't have the social filters that we expect them to have. I was my granny's favourite by a mile. She was a very difficult woman to live with (and she lived in our house growing up for years and years) and really didn't like my sister at all. Yet she was the only adult who told me that she loved me when I was a child. So obviously I always loved her too.

There's no changing people, especially from that generation so try to accept them as they are and look after yourself and your children and leave the older generation as they are.

bertiebomber

Graces7 wrote: »

Perfect, well apart from the last sentence :eek: I am way older than he is...

I blench at the thought of three children racing round my room. Just is as you say overwhelming.

Let him make the choice? He lives alone so is in quietude most of the time.

I am no spring chicken myself and to be honest i loathe children running around annoying me, shouting, shreiking, frightening the dogs & getting into mischief. In fact i ask my friends to come to my place for solitude and a few hours away from their children - works a treat!!