Gaslighting

katiek102010

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Had it done to me by the last man i lived with. Nothing really dramatic but small lies. Food I was thinking of using for dinner wasn't there when i was sure it was. Birthday cards i bought couldn't be found and he would convince me i never had them. He would come home late now and again and swear he had forewarned me but i wouldn't remember.

It was horrendous and left me thinking i had early dementia (my mother suffered from dementia and he knew it was a real fear of mine). I was going through some stressful family stuff and believed the stress had me imagining things if not dementia.

He moved out and left 2 months rent unpaid. He swore to the landlord that he had given this money to me and i had "forgotten". He detailed other instances of my forgetfulness to him and I still am not sure what the landlord believes.

Six months ago when cleaning i found a box on the top of the wardrobe with birthday cards.

He was a nasty piece of work and he did me a favour when he left. I didn't think that at the time but i would have been a broken person now if he stayed.

That is absolutely horrific and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

ILoveYourVibes

I dunno if people really know they are doing this ...i think they are just natural headwrecks

katiek102010

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This happened to a girl i used to work with someone accused her of stealing. Apparently the woman who was the accuser bullied her for ages and did something similar.

I came just before it came out. I was related distantly to a person in the office and they told me.
The girl she accused was only like 20. She accused her of stealing company vouchers.

It's awful isn't it. I fully believe that it was sheer luck that the manager involved was being watched. Due to the first incident, that the victims were not jailed incorrectly.

How many more people go through it

KathleenGrant

Wanderer78 wrote: »

What a fcuking cnut

I know. But he is a very charming person and comes across a very nice man. Anyone would believe him. The saying about only knowing a person when you live with them is so true. He never once said he was sorry if he was in the wrong either. The most he would admit was "I probably shouldn't have said/done it" but he could never say the word sorry.

ILoveYourVibes

katiek102010 wrote: »

It's awful isn't it. I fully believe that it was sheer luck that the manager involved was being watched. Due to the first incident, that the victims were not jailed incorrectly.

How many more people go through it

Yes.

I hope everyone in your case heals from it.

ILoveYourVibes

KathleenGrant wrote: »

The saying about only knowing a person when you live with them is so true.

This sends chills up my spine.


I mean you kind of wish you didn't have to live with them to find out. I kind if wish you didn't have to go through that!

katiek102010

Gretas Gonna Get Ya! wrote: »

Gaslighting is just yet another pointless modern buzzword to add to the pile...

Absolutely disgusting post. Gaslighting thankfully is now a fully recognised form of abuse.

Many victims of DV experience it and it is commonly a precursor to severe physical abuse and even murder.

It is also a recognised pattern of behaviour in people who have a diagnosis of NPD

katiek102010

Jequ0n wrote: »

It’s actually quite a handy technique, and yes, I do use it. I couldn’t care less what others think about it.

That is absolutely horrific. Thankfully it is now a recognised form of psychological abuse, is a prosecutable offence and does warrant a custodial sentence.

I actually hope you a troll if not I really hope your victims report it

KathleenGrant

katiek102010 wrote: »

That is absolutely horrific and I'm so sorry you had to go through it.

Yes it was horrific and chipped away at me bit by bit. It wouldn't be every day or every week. He was more clever than that.

It is the coldness with which he hid things and could sit and watch my upset and confusion which makes me think he is a bit of a psychopath. He would aay "I don't know what way your head works but there is something not right with you" Gives me a cold chill down my spine even thinking of it now.

DeanAustin

Rezident wrote: »

Had to google 'gaslighting' (sounds like more superfluous divisiveness based on a lack of understanding of the clear differences betweeen the sexes), but I do not see how anyone could convince me that I have mental health issues in the absence of any. If someone told me that I was insane, I think that would say more about them that me, assuming I was not behaving insanely.

There are common misunderstandings between men who don't understand women (and vice versa), e.g. when juvenile males call a girl 'crazy' because women make decisions based on their emotions, as they are different to men and many young people have not learnt this yet.

Assuming you are not behaving insane, he probably just does not understand the well-established gender differences in psychology yet, you could research it and explain it to him.

I’ve never had mental health issues thankfully and would consider myself quite logical. I went through it with my ex wife, and still am to a degree, and it’s a horrible experience.

She is so good at it that at times I just felt completely mentally disoriented and started questioning if stuff I knew happened actually happened. For example, she hit me several times and afterwards apologised for it. When the relationship started to break, she swore blind it never happened and that she’d never admitted it. She was so convincing that I started to question whether it happened even though I knew it did. That was just one example. Other examples have gone as far as the Gardaí. And as someone else said, she acted so normally with friends and neighbours that none of them believed she could be capable of the things she did.

I was really struggling with it and described the behaviour on another forum and someone said it was gaslighting. I’d never heard the term before so Googled it. I can’t tell you the relief when I could finally make some sense of her behaviour.

I don’t think she’s deliberately decided to gaslight me, I think it’s something she learned from her mother and that she uses as a defence mechanism. It’s really horrible to be on the end of it and no matter how mentally strong you think you are, it can be quite debilitating.

Hannibal_Smith

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Yes it was horrific and chipped away at me bit by bit. It wouldn't be every day or every week. He was more clever than that.

It is the coldness with which he hid things and could sit and watch my upset and confusion which makes me think he is a bit of a psychopath. He would aay "I don't know what way your head works but there is something not right with you" Gives me a cold chill down my spine even thinking of it now.

That's horrendous! I bet you didn't think it at the time, but thank god he's gone!

Deliberately messing with someone's head for you own amusement is sick.

mariaalice

Human nature is fascinating in away.

Someone I know was bullied in a work situation the routs of it were that they had a better qualification than the other person, the other person had very minimal qualifications and was most likely afraid of losing their job, now instead of doing something positive and getting better qualifications, they bully the other person.

It may come from the fear that there is never enough to go around and there will never be enough.

Also, someone, I know who is generally happily married but her husband hates that she loves her job, he hated his job and wanted her to constantly say she only went to work for the money, he had issues that she had a degree and he did not, she could not share that she enjoyed her work, had friends in work. Aagin instead of being happy for his wife and supporting her he was taking his own anger, and hatred of his job out on his wife.

KathleenGrant

DeanAustin wrote: »

I’ve never had mental health issues thankfully and would consider myself quite logical. I went through it with my ex wife, and still am to a degree, and it’s a horrible experience.

She is so good at it that at times I just felt completely mentally disoriented and started questioning if stuff I knew happened actually happened. For example, she hit me several times and afterwards apologised for it. When the relationship started to break, she swore blind it never happened and that she’d never admitted it. She was so convincing that I started to question whether it happened even though I knew it did. That was just one example. Other examples have gone as far as the Gardaí. And as someone else said, she acted so normally with friends and neighbours that none of them believed she could be capable of the things she did.

I was really struggling with it and described the behaviour on another forum and someone said it was gaslighting. I’d never heard the term before so Googled it. I can’t tell you the relief when I could finally make some sense of her behaviour.

I don’t think she’s deliberately decided to gaslight me, I think it’s something she learned from her mother and that she uses as a defence mechanism. It’s really horrible to be on the end of it and no matter how mentally strong you think you are, it can be quite debilitating.

That is exactly the way it was with me too. You really do start to question yourself amd wonder if the other person is right. And yes, neighbours and friends can hardly believe it of them because they are so helpful and polite.

I hope you are ok now and have the support you need.

katiek102010

KathleenGrant wrote: »

Yes it was horrific and chipped away at me bit by bit. It wouldn't be every day or every week. He was more clever than that.

It is the coldness with which he hid things and could sit and watch my upset and confusion which makes me think he is a bit of a psychopath. He would aay "I don't know what way your head works but there is something not right with you" Gives me a cold chill down my spine even thinking of it now.

Have you had any long term effects? Victims that I mentioned found it still affects them a few years down the line. It has carried over into new employment for one and the other retired early as he could not cope.

The woman found self esteem courses run by OT way more helpful than talk therapy.

DeanAustin

KathleenGrant wrote: »

That is exactly the way it was with me too. You really do start to question yourself amd wonder if the other person is right. And yes, neighbours and friends can hardly believe it of them because they are so helpful and polite.

I hope you are ok now and have the support you need.

Likewise.

The thing with neighbours and friends is that you think they are logical, good people. So if they don't believe or see what's going on, then can you be right and everyone else is wrong? And I've always sort of worked on the basis that if everyone else is saying something and you're saying something else, then you're probably wrong. It was and is such a strange experience.

There was one incident that a mate of mine witnessed where she was in full flow and then sent me texts afterwards accusing me of all sorts. And he would have liked her up to that and has always been very straight with me even when it's something I didn't want to hear. And he just said "That's absolutely not what just happened. I saw it and if that's what she's claiming and telling people, she's a liar." Again, that was relief because it was the first time someone else had seen it happen from start to finish and saw what I saw.

Still living with it for the moment (thanks coronavirus) but she hasn't been as bad recently as she was.

KathleenGrant

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

That's horrendous! I bet you didn't think it at the time, but thank god he's gone!

Deliberately messing with someone's head for you own amusement is sick.

I was heartbroken when he left but it was the best thing that could have happened. It has left its mark though. I am definitely less confident and have trust issues. It has also affected my ability to deal with confrontation in my personal and professional life. I try not to let him have that power and influence over me but it's difficult.

KathleenGrant

katiek102010 wrote: »

Have you had any long term effects? Victims that I mentioned found it still affects them a few years down the line. It has carried over into new employment for one and the other retired early as he could not cope.

The woman found self esteem courses run by OT way more helpful than talk therapy.

I had just posted that it has long term affects. I was in a situation last week in work where a colleague undermined me in front of another colleague. Instead of standing up for myself, telling her to never speak to me that way again and certainly not in front of someone else I felt my courage leave me. I just said okay, point taken, that's fine and then went to my office and cried for ages. I couldn't eat for the rest of the day and didn't sleep for 2 nights because of my anger at myself for taking the **** i knew i didn't deserve.

ILoveYourVibes

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I had just posted that it has long term affects. I was in a situation last week in work where a colleague undermined me in front of another colleague. Instead of standing up for myself, telling her to never speak to me that way again and certainly not in front of someone else I felt my courage leave me. I just said okay, point taken, that's fine and then went to my office and cried for ages. I couldn't eat for the rest of the day and didn't sleep for 2 nights because of my anger at myself for taking the **** i knew i didn't deserve.

spit in her coffee...after covid .......actually no ...covid that bitch!

irishblessing

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

spit in her coffee...after covid .......actually no ...covid that bitch!

Wow.

statto25

Experienced it last year at the hands of my own mother. Ive suffered from Mental Health issues for as long as I can remember due abusive and controlling parents. I finally realised what exactly was going on but was met with "youre not well", "youre not better" despite me trying to work on my issues at the time. Ive since given both my parents the heave-ho in a bid to finally right my head.

mariaalice

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I was heartbroken when he left but it was the best thing that could have happened. It has left its mark though. I am definitely less confident and have trust issues. It has also affected my ability to deal with confrontation in my personal and professional life. I try not to let him have that power and influence over me but it's difficult.

Having a very happy second marriage has made me realise how many people are in abusive relationships ranging from mild to severe and put up with it.

It will all work out alright for you it just takes time.

Hannibal_Smith

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I was heartbroken when he left but it was the best thing that could have happened. It has left its mark though. I am definitely less confident and have trust issues. It has also affected my ability to deal with confrontation in my personal and professional life. I try not to let him have that power and influence over me but it's difficult.

I bet. When someone messes with your head it must be hard to rebuild and trust your own decisions after that. It will take time I expect. Have faith in yourself. You were worked over by someone in a very cruel way. You did nothing wrong and it wasnt your decisions that were the issue.

ILoveYourVibes

My dad does it.

More to my mom than me though. He knows i would eat the head off him.

chooseusername

Gaslighters —
will often accuse you of gaslighting.

ILoveYourVibes

irishblessing wrote: »

Wow.

aaah im kidding.

katiek102010

DeanAustin wrote: »

Likewise.

The thing with neighbours and friends is that you think they are logical, good people. So if they don't believe or see what's going on, then can you be right and everyone else is wrong? And I've always sort of worked on the basis that if everyone else is saying something and you're saying something else, then you're probably wrong. It was and is such a strange experience.

There was one incident that a mate of mine witnessed where she was in full flow and then sent me texts afterwards accusing me of all sorts. And he would have liked her up to that and has always been very straight with me even when it's something I didn't want to hear. And he just said "That's absolutely not what just happened. I saw it and if that's what she's claiming and telling people, she's a liar." Again, that was relief because it was the first time someone else had seen it happen from start to finish and saw what I saw.

Still living with it for the moment (thanks coronavirus) but she hasn't been as bad recently as she was.

It is now recognised as a form of DV. I have worked in the area of DV and not surprisingly, there is not a lot of support for men out there.

My advice to you now is have it recognised officially what she is doing by speaking to a recognised support service. The reason I am saying this is women are very adept at twisting things and having everyone convinced that they are the victim and the man is the abuser.

Please do this now for your own sake especially as you have the support of a witness and as ye are still under the same roof

ILoveYourVibes

chooseusername wrote: »

Gaslighters —
will often accuse you of gaslighting.

Always.

My dad accuses my mom of it. Says she is manipulative.

I had an argument about the black population of the US once ..i was correct it took me emailing him 3 different us census sites for him to admit i was right with my figures.

And i have his admittance in writing as i made him email me it back.

Yes ...i never give up.

Jequ0n

katiek102010 wrote: »

That is absolutely horrific. Thankfully it is now a recognised form of psychological abuse, is a prosecutable offence and does warrant a custodial sentence.

I actually hope you a troll if not I really hope your victims report it

“Victims”
Not every case is as drastic as some of the ones described here. It totally depends on principles and boundaries.

katiek102010

KathleenGrant wrote: »

I had just posted that it has long term affects. I was in a situation last week in work where a colleague undermined me in front of another colleague. Instead of standing up for myself, telling her to never speak to me that way again and certainly not in front of someone else I felt my courage leave me. I just said okay, point taken, that's fine and then went to my office and cried for ages. I couldn't eat for the rest of the day and didn't sleep for 2 nights because of my anger at myself for taking the **** i knew i didn't deserve.

Jesus I wish I could give you a hug. Next time you are att you GP or even ring them now ask for a referral to your local day hospital OT team for a self esteem course. The courses are free and it's not just victims of DV that attend.

Some don't even require GP referral, there is usually a short waiting list and they do certs for work too if it's during the day

ILoveYourVibes

Jequ0n wrote: »

“Victims”
Not every case is as drastic as some of the ones described here. It totally depends on principles and boundaries.

You do you.
I am sure you are in fact pretty innocent
Beware the evil eye of karma tho.

statto25

Jequ0n wrote: »

“Victims”
Not every case is as drastic as some of the ones described here. It totally depends on principles and boundaries.

if someone goes out of their way to make you believe you are not of sound mind I would call them victims

ILoveYourVibes

statto25 wrote: »

if someone goes out of their way to make you believe you are not of sound mind I would call them victims

True.

All they can do is look up.

chooseusername

Gaslighters-
can sometimes claim to be victims of gaslighting.

DeanAustin

chooseusername wrote: »

Gaslighters-
can sometimes claim to be victims of gaslighting.

I’m not sure if you’re on the wind up or not but it’s a very fair point. In my case, I was (am) going through a marriage breakdown so a lot of stuff gets thrown around and we inevitably had arguments over some stuff that happened because I had one view and she had another view.

I’ve asked myself the question about whether I was guilty of gaslighting her and I can hand on heart say I’ve never once made something up or never once denied something happened that actually happened. I can prove, through stuff that’s been written, that my ex-wife can’t say the same thing. That doesn’t mean I’ve always behaved in a way that I’m proud of but I’ve never lied and throughout this whole sorry mess, that’s been something I’ve clung to. If this goes the whole way to court, I don’t have to lie or try to cover my lies.

ILoveYourVibes

Jequ0n wrote: »

My pleasure to have made the world a better place. You are welcome

No one ever makes the world a better place.
That would be way overestimating the reach and effect of your actions.

The world is still a ****hole.

Unfortunately ..:(

Nykay

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Absolutely. More than once. Best reaction is to call them out on it directly. You just sit back and ask, "tell me, do you gaslight people often, or am I the first?".

Yes but a lot of people won't even know what gaslighting is.

Nykay

Away With The Fairies wrote: »

Has anyone ever had this done to them?

Just horrible behaviour thrown at you and when you point out how hurtful and nasty their behaviour is they make up excuses that don't make sense and no genuine apology. Or an apology but no change in the behaviour. Then if you react badly at all, they blame your reaction and turn it around on you.

Could you be more specific about what happened to you?

Nykay

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

My dad accuses my mom of it. Says she is manipulative.

I think it's more fun to outwit your bully without referring to the tactics they're using while you're taking them on.

katiek102010

JeffKenna wrote: »

Did the punishment really fit the crime?

Psychological abuse is just as bad. If not worse than physical abuse. In many cases victims do not realise they are being abused until after long lasting damage has been done.

With physical abuse, especially in the case of DV the victims recognise what is happening and are more inclined to leave the relationship and report it.

With psychological abuse there is no physical damage or scars, however the mental and emotional damage is extremely long lasting and a lot more difficult to heal, that's if it can be

amadangomor

Fella at work used to do it to me. One example when I would talk to someone he would start sing some **** song called "All the lies that you told me". Would try other subtle put downs that no one else would notice.

Was thinking it was just a coincidence until I realised it wasn't.

Obviously very insecure person who was jealous of me getting on with people.

Put him in his place and don't have any dealings with him. Life too short to put up with insecure mentalists imposing themselves on your life.

ILoveYourVibes

Nykay wrote: »

I think it's more fun to outwit your bully without referring to the tactics they're using while you're taking them on.

I ain't got time for that.

I belt them upside the brain.

ILoveYourVibes

Nykay wrote: »

Yes but a lot of people won't even know what gaslighting is.

Manipulating someone into doubting their sanity. Manipulating someone against their own cognition.


Papal infallibility would be a great example. Its crazy to suggest that a tenet of belief must be a human man is infallible. Yet you were treated as crazy if you didnt believe it.

Magdelene laundries ..gas lighting.


Sealing of the records of the laundries .....and suggesting they are not being sealed ..gas lighting.

ILoveYourVibes

irishblessing wrote: »

11,800+ posts since May last year... Have you ever heard the phrase 'quality over quantity?' Someone needs to say it.

You must be on boards literally all day every day.

Erm no.

I actually rarely on boards. But i post a lot at a time.

It didn't need to be said really. But you said it. Well done on that. I hope you enjoyed it.

irishblessing

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Erm no.

I actually rarely on boards. But i post a lot at a time.

It didn't need to be said really. But you said it. Well done on that. I hope you enjoyed it.

Hence the reason I said what I said. Maybe when you get to a point of saying someone should spit in someones coffee covid / no covid, it's time for a break.

ILoveYourVibes

irishblessing wrote: »

Hence the reason I said what I said. Maybe when you get to a point of saying someone should spit in someones coffee covid / no covid, it's time for a break.

So who gaslighted you???

Spill we wanna know!

Necro

Mod:

Quit it with the personal comments, this will be the only warning.

ILoveYourVibes

spook_cook wrote: »

But... that's not what Papal infallibility is. And neither are the rest of your examples, actual gas lighting. In fact your post itself seems to be an example of it.

actual definition...don't worry i didn't know either until a jesuit explained it

in the Roman Catholic Church) the doctrine that in specified circumstances the Pope is incapable of error in pronouncing dogma.The doctrine of papal infallibility means that the Pope cannot err or teach error when he speaks on matters of faith and morals ex cathedra, or “from the chair” of the Apostle St. Peter

You don't think the magdelene laundries were gas lighting?

How was my post gas lighting specifically? Not sure i see how?

amadangomor

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Manipulating someone into doubting their sanity. Manipulating someone against their own cognition.


Papal infallibility would be a great example. Its crazy to suggest that a tenet of belief must be a human man is infallible. Yet you were treated as crazy if you didnt believe it.

Magdelene laundries ..gas lighting.


Sealing of the records of the laundries .....and suggesting they are not being sealed ..gas lighting.

What? It may be manipulation but all that has **** all to do with gaslighting.

I had the pleasure of living with a narcissist briefly a few years ago..he was renting a room off me..
Like, tbh for the most part I think he realised that he wouldn't get too far with me, but like a few times was trying to just wreck my head..just ringing me up with stupid bullsh*t..i was like 'that's not my problem, sorry'..everything was just manipulation..
But seeing him in action with these two women he was kind of playing off against each other was eye opening..
They were both like 10 years older than him, and tbh it was just disturbing for a finish..
When I eventually got him to move out (delicately, because at that time I thought he was a dangerous f*cker), afterwards I found out he'd broken a load of stuff too..just for the sake of it I reckon..
But yeah, everything was manipulation..

Gaslight is a good movie though..worth a watch..

I was accused of this by an ex when she completely misremembered something that happened in the past. Either I had to agree to her incorrect version of events or I am an abusive gas-lighting boyfriend.