Cant take anymore

truthseeker1

Has anyone just got sick of the sight of their partner. Its not the covid thats getting to me its looking at my lazy depressed partner who sits on the computer all day. Married for 14 yrs, its been on the rocks for so long now. No children but both have from previous marriage.

W have been in marriage counselling for 6 weeks now but I think too much has been said and done over the years. I just cant get past the fast that I dont trust him. its nothing to do with a fling or anything like that. His whole attitude that makes me feel like our marriage is not secure and he never made me feel like it was. When we argue he acts aggressively with a very loud voice that terrifies my 2 small dogs. They run upstairs and hide.....then I get so furious at him for doing the same thing he said he would not do again. Thats the crux of it right there....he promises and promises hell be better in the future but I dont trust him cause he has never made it past a week and hes back to his yelling and being aggressive for no reason.

He does not have any friends and even before lockdown he never left the house. He came out of work with anxiety over a year ago and has not really left the house since. Im so fed up, I love my own space and having him around 24 7 is wearing on me to the point that I cant stand to be in the same room as him. I've been diagnosed with really high blood pressure and am now on medication. I do meditate daily and am on a path that I know is good for me. Yes Ive moved on emotionally years ago and now I just want him out as the marriage is well over. It will be hard at my age. I have an auto immune disease which makes it difficult to work. I can honestly say that I needed him around as I am not able to take care of the finances myself. i have no income of my own. He has used this against me for years and has never committed to making the marriage work because he knows i wont go anywhere because of the financial situation. Im sorry to say its always been this way, Ive depended on him to to pay bills and rent etc. I hate that its this way.

I cant see past this and how to take the next step. I need out but am in a financial bind. I could never sustain myself on what the government might pay me. Im 60 yrs old and cant believe I am in this position at this late stage of life. I'm desperate now and slowly loosing a grip.

Any advice..............or thoughts

bottlebrush

You say you dont trust him, yet dont think it's a fling. Do you think he is lying about something and is this the cause of the arguments?

cannotlogin

Sorry you find yourself in this position, it cannot be easy. It seems like you are at a stage when you know you want to leave but you don't see a way out.

I would suggest ringing citizens information to see what you would be entitled to if separated or divorced. They can also put you in contact with free legal aid who can give you a steer on your options.

You also mention you have adult children from a previous marraige. Are they aware of your situation?
Could they help supporting you by keeping find out whilst housing & other benefits you can avail of etc.?

Thierry12

He will promises he will get better

You sound like the problem imo

truthseeker1

No, I havent told them as i know they will worry. Also they live and work overseas there is little they could do. Thanks for your response

truthseeker1

Thank you for your response. He's not committed to making the marriage work. Although he says he will make more of an effort and he does for a week or so, but its not consistent hence the reason I dont trust his word.

bottlebrush

Is he receiving any professional help for his anxiety and depression.

Tork

What is it you want? On the one hand, you're talking about how the marriage has been on the rocks for years and it's pretty much over. Yet you're going to marriage counselling? Why? The impression I get is that the pair of you are living together largely out of economic convenience. Certainly, you sound like you're miserable and you don't have to come up with any one reason why you're not happy.

Have you told any of your family any of this? Could any of them help you leave and set up somewhere else? What about your kids? Have you spoken to a solicitor or got advice from the Citizens Information people?

JustAThought

OP you say you ‘want him out’. Who owns the house? Was it yours or his from a previous marriage or did you both contribute and buy it together? Do both or either of you have houses from your previous marriages?

You mentioned that you are 60.What age is he?
Tou mentioned that you (both) have illnessea that prevent you from earning an income. Are either of you registered disabled? If not, would it be possible to do so? This will open doors in terms of entitlement to free legal aid and a settled payment towards the rent on a house for the rest of your life. Might be a way out.

JustAThought

By this I mean rent allowance, a HAP payment towards a rental etc. I know folk who after a
depression or long term illness
diagnosis have registered disabled and unable to work and have got this and been looked
after. With the appropriate medical
documentation.

If your dogs are clean and housetrained & don’t chew you might consider offering a double or triple deposit for someone to allow them to rent with you. Probably somewhere/house down the country might work better as a choice where there is less demand for rentals and less aggressive competition for places.


If you move you may find it extra challenging at the mo as normal outlets to meet new people are mostly gone people and
people are hidling tight within their existing circles.

You seem to have been posting for the past year or more saying the marriage is over. Lockdown is difficult for everyone and every relationship is under extra pressure due to lack of other social aspects and financial pressures at them mo. Ypu might also find it harder to find somewhere to rent due to the publics cynicism over protection for landlords. However this may also not be the case.


It must be extremely difficult as living with someones depression or misery and then being stuck indoors with them all day with no outlet must be very hard. Try and find something that will give you a break - is there a busy/popular spot to wall dogs - dog people ate typically friendly and OK to have a chat with as you walk along. You could also try for some of the (local) walking groups that are still going ahead on meetup.com - and this is a great site for lots of other outlets - it might help you or perhaps your husband.

It can’t be easy but try your beat to make your world a better place for yourself. Its all we can do at the moment - we are many of us in a similar empty & worrying boat.

Calypso Realm

bottlebrush wrote: »

Is he receiving any professional help for his anxiety and depression.

This struck me as well. OP it can't have been easy for him having to leave work in these circumstances. For some people (men especially) their work is everything, their whole identify is tied up with their job. The way he's behaving (spending time on the computer etc) is most probably his way of 'coping' with it all. It provides a distraction. While I realise your marriage hasn't been good for a while you come across as being very unsympathetic OP. And your post is all about you and your ailments, needs etc. Have you ever stopped to think what it's like for him>

ElizaBennett

Your marriage sounds completely over and that is your issue - practical matters re how to move on. I totally disagree with people bringing your husband's problems into it and trying to make you feel guilty about how he's feeling. You sound very separate and have been for a long time. I think you would be happier and far better off renting a room somewhere that you could at least call your own so this is what you need to focus on. If you could find out about what social welfare you would be entitled to if separated then that would be the first step. Initiate the process of separation and find out from a solicitor what would likely happen with the house. Presumably you'd have some entitlement to a share in the proceeds even if he owns the house - you've been dependent on him for years so there is provision in law for you to benefit in some way from the sale of assets.
You've moved on completely in your head - time to move on now in the real world. You're still young enough to enjoy a happy phase in your life. Which we all deserve.

JustAThought

I had another random thought OP. You say you both came to live in Ireland and that your husband is from NZ. Your qualifications are also from NZ and this is holding you back from earning a proper livliehood here. Would part of your husbands problems be that he is fractured from his old life, old social contacts and friends. Perhaps he also sees no future or hope here either. If you both have NZ passports would it be worthwhile considering emigrating/migratimg back there again? There you will be able to work properly again and use your qualifications, earn a decent living and have your independence. You could reassess your future there together, one way or another. I gather if you divorce in NZ you may have rights to stay there - rather than doing it the other way around? Are your children there too? Maybe you could bunk in with them for a month or two to get set up - it is a crisis - tell them they need to step up & help out briefly.

There is another thread on boards on state benefits that has the link to see if you willl qualify in due course with your living here / childminding/work stamps here to qualify for a state pension in due course. There might be a similar system in NZ. Could be worth evaluating both & seeing what you have to put in or out up with for either - and whether with your earning capacity and talents it is worth giving up and not working for the next 20-30 years for a few quid.

Best of luck.