12 year old daughter thinks she might be bisexual

greengirl31

Hi All, 

I'm looking for a bit of guidance here please. 

My 12 year old (Almost 13) told me earlier this week that she think's she's bi-sexual.

While I don't have an issue with this in general - she's my daughter and I love her no matter what, I think she's way too young to be putting a label on her sexuality. I feel that some of this is coming from her peers also but that's a whole other topic !!!   

At the same time, any crushes she's had in the past have always been boys. I've asked has she ever had a crush on a girl and she said no. So I'm not sure if she's confusing appreciating how another female can be pretty with stronger sexual feelings ..... Or am i being very naive?

While I don't want to dismiss her feelings and want her to continue talking to me, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to give the subject too much air time.  I've told her that I love her no matter what and we've talked a bit more about it since it came up initially.  I've told her that she doesn't need to label her sexuality for another couple of years so she shouldn't worry about it at the moment.  

Does anyone have any advise on this ... I want to be as supportive as possible but I am at a complete loss !!!

Thank you in advance

_Brian

Give it as much air time as SHE decides it needs.

If you close it down it’s likely she will get the message your not interested or not approving of her choices. You may loose any further openness with your daughter which am would be a shame.

My advice is keep talking to her and talk as if it’s the most natural conversation to be having, because it is.

At the end of the day she’s either bisexual or she isn’t, and you can be sure talking about it will only ease her stress rather than make her one or the other.

eviltwin

I'd just leave it personally. You've given her your support and that's the most important thing. This may be who she is, it may be a phase or she may just be questioning things but she'll figure it out for herself in her own time. She's only 12, she has plenty of time.

As an aside you probably wouldn't be saying she's too young to label herself if she had told you she was straight so maybe ask yourself why this is giving you such cause for concern?

Loveinapril

You must have a lovely, open relationship for her to say this to you at the age of 12, so well done on fostering that. To echo what Brian said, let her lead how much she wants to engage in conversation about it. If she has said it out loud to you, she has probably been thinking about it for some time. Even if she isn't sure of whether she is bi- sexual or if this is a phase, then it is still a real experience for her so just go with it until she decides otherwise. Please don't shut conversations down or minimise her thought process. At 12, this will definitely set up how she approaches other big topics with you.

seamus

Things are quite different nowadays in terms of these labels anyway.

When we were growing up, someone at 12 declaring they were gay or bi would have been teased endlessly and if they realised later they weren't, would never live it down.

Kids nowadays are a lot more flexible, and if she turned around later and said she was straight, her peers will just say "cool". Gay or bisexual are no longer negative traits for someone to have or negative labels on a person.

I think you've fully gone about it the right way. There's no need to discourage talkng about it, let her lead the conversation if she wants to have it. Don't make it a negative; don't discourage her from saying it to others. Two kids my daughter knows, aged 10 and 12, have both declared themselves to be lesbians. None of the other kids give a single fvck. So this is not an embarrassing declaration that will follow them around for life, or a box they will be permanently stuck in.
It's no more consequential than, "I fancy Milli Vanilli" or wearing 10 loom bands on one arm.

It'll be something that she might laugh about with her mates in future if she's not bi; "D'ye remember when I went around telling everyone I was bisexual?", but it's really no big deal at all.

The only suggestion I'd have is to make it clear to her that as she enters puberty, she will encounter feelings that are strange and new, and that she shouldn't fight them or discourage them because she wants to fit a particular profile. i.e. to make it clear that if she realises she's actually gay, or actually straight, that's OK and she should never be afraid to say that.

greengirl31

Hi all ...

Thank you so much for your replies so far.

I think I'm surprised at my own reaction to this as much as anything else. I was thinking that in my day, we didn't announce we were straight, gay, bi or anything else but that was a different time ... it wasn't as acceptable as it is now. I think what I'm concerned about is if she put's a label on herself now when she's still figuring out who and what she is that she'll be stuck with it. But that's the way it was 30+ years ago ... Kids don't seem to care much these days so I might be over-reacting in this regard

I'm glad that she came to me or more so that she felt she could come to me, although she said she felt sick before she told me - God Love her :-) Since she told me, I've brought it up again or steered the conversation in that direction. I was thinking that at this stage that I'd just leave it and let her bring it up again if she wanted to. I'd never shut a conversation down but perhaps i need to make it more clear that I'm taking her seriously and i'm not dismissing her feelings or choices. So maybe I do need to bring it up again and talk about the the strange feelings at puberty, the fact that it's ok to change her mind - in any way!

This completely blindsided me ... I wasn't expecting it at all !!!

shesty

I can't really help, but just wanted to say you sound like a great mum greengirl.

Just one small thing I'd like to add, if the subject comes up again, try and avoid using phrases like "I'll love you no matter what."

I've been told by more then one LGBTQ friend that when they came out to their parents, they said those words or somethign similar and it made them feel guilty and sad. Like they were letting their parent down. To them, the "no matter what" carried a connotation that their parent was disappointed they were not heterosexual, and some of them really struggled with that.

Of course, the parents meant no such thing, and were just doing their best trying to be supportive, but its a true minefield!

greengirl31

Deleted User wrote: »

Just one small thing I'd like to add, if the subject comes up again, try and avoid using phrases like "I'll love you no matter what."

I've been told by more then one LGBTQ friend that when they came out to their parents, they said those words or somethign similar and it made them feel guilty and sad. Like they were letting their parent down. To them, the "no matter what" carried a connotation that their parent was disappointed they were not heterosexual, and some of them really struggled with that.

Of course, the parents meant no such thing, and were just doing their best trying to be supportive, but its a true minefield!

Thanks for this Loueze .... I have used that phrase during our chats but I'll definitely be more mindful of using it in the future

zanador

My son is 15 and I've always just accepted whatever he comes home with about his sexuality. So far we have had:

The usual stuff in primary school, but under advice from a gay friend always included boys and girls in conversations about who he might fancy.

His first teenage 'relarionship' was at age 13 with a boy who he has know for years. It was brief and ended when he found out it was about kissing rather than playing the x-box.

He then said he was asexual for the next few years and was a baby face late bloomer until he hit 15 in March. Back to school in September and suddenly a lot more girls names are entering my house and he definitely has a huge crush on one in particular.

I have always just talked about consent and protection and that he can say no to anything but no judgement in anything as long as there is consent and protection. And he's totally chill about talking about it all, and comfortable with himself.

I think you sound amazing, and the conflict inside us is really normal because we have an expectation of what things 'should' be. You're a great parent because you're examining your behaviour rather than hers.

spait0e60

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing - leaving the "door open" for her to talk to you without any fear of your reaction. The only thing I would say, if it was my child would be to not get too hung up on labels. She has plenty of time to find out who she is and who she likes. And more importantly she has the right to keep those things private and not be peer pressured into telling any of her school mates.

shesty

Mod Note

@spait0e60, please do not resurrect old threads.

S

spait0e60

Honestly had no idea that is was old. Is it not possible to continue discussions beyond a certain date if the topic is still relevant or important to some people?

shesty

@spait0e60

The general rule of thumb is that the OP is gone and/or doesn't have the issue any more, if the thread is older. There is nothing to stop you from raising your own thread or discussion if a topic is of interest, or you would like a discussion on it yourself. That is preferable to old threads being re-posted.

Thanks

S

spait0e60

Thanks. I thought that older threads were just locked automatically as that would stop people resurrecting them.