Husband's drug and alcohol problem

LegacyUser

I was hoping I could get some help. I've been married to a lovely man for 3 years and we have a one year old baby.

Everything in the marriage has been going fine except for one thing, I noticed when we first lived together that my husband drank quite a lot. He's not a binge drinker and is very responsible (doesn't shout or drink and takes care of the baby). however he does have a drink at least once or two drinks when at home or on the weekend.

This wasn't an issue until this year when double tragedy struck. His elderly mother passed away in February so the doctor gave him some anti-anxiety pill, Xanax. He started mixing it with alcohol and then vomiting on himself/puking. I told him that he may have an issue and that he needs to speak to a counselor but he refused and said the medication will be fine.

He went back to the GP but he refused to give him more as he said that those medicines are addictive so he stopped until the pandemic began. I lost my job but luckily he still has his.

During this pandemic, I've seen him increase the amount of alcohol he drinks and to my horror, I see that he's gone so far as to ordering Xanax from the internet. Every month, he's been ordering around 50 tablets from Amazon.

I'm really worried. I've told my friend and she said I should leave him but I have no one where to go. My parents are far away and I don't have much money. I want to help my husband but fear that he may end up overdosing/losing his job and us ending up homeless with a baby to take care of. What do I do?

Airyfairy12

Thats horrendous and incredibly dangerous of him to take tablets he bought online, what is going through his head? He needs a wake up call. Yes he lost his mother and no doubt that is very difficult for him but he has a wife and child and needs to pull himself together. His behavior is completely ridiculous, he is knowingly putting himself at serious risk of addiction and possibly death.
Firstly I would contact his doctor to let him know whats going on and that he's ordering xanax pills online. If he's given any alternative medication from his doctor they could be potentially lethal mixed with the tablets he's ordering and I doubt he will tell his doctor that hes taking pills hes ordered from the internet.
Can you encourage him to go to counselling? Not only is he dealing with grief now but also addiction.
Lastly inform his family & friends of the situation as you cant help him on your own.

juneg

Go back to the GP. Your husband should taken an SSRI like prozac or other anti depressant. Thats what theyre for. Relief. Due to not taking the right medication he has wound up addicted to xanax. Ring your gp tomorrow and talk to her yourself.

He's started with depression and now is looking like an addiction too. He needs help it wont be easy. Good luck.

global23214124

I think he should go to the GP so see will he be at risk of withdrawal from either substance and come up with a plan based off that. He's going to have to be honest with the GP about how much he is taking daily so they can estimate what he would be like if stopped suddenly and address it from there.

LegacyUser

You cannot order Xanax from Amazon, its a prescription medication thats pretty tightly regulated. You may well be able to order it online using the dark web or dubious websites but for *most* people its far too expensive and cumbersome to order it that way (not to mention the risk of it not being what it is supposed to be or being caught importing benzos).

Its not really clear from your post if your husband actually has either an alcohol or drug addiction or is in a period of anxiety that is not being handled and he is self medicating.

Either way, he should go to a GP.

Ask him what he is ordering from Amazon. Talk to him about his need to self medicate and see will he agree to go to his GP. Whether he goes to the GP or not, you need to get some tools for yourself to cope - unfortunately support group meetings like Alanon etc are not currently on with the pandemic, but you could certainly see a counsellor yourself to help you process and decide where you want to go from here.

I think the first thing to do is to attempt an open and honest conversation with your husband, if he wont engage with you on it then you need to make your own plans.

LegacyUser

cant seem to login wrote: »

You cannot order Xanax from Amazon, its a prescription medication thats pretty tightly regulated. You may well be able to order it online using the dark web or dubious websites but for *most* people its far too expensive and cumbersome to order it that way (not to mention the risk of it not being what it is supposed to be or being caught importing benzos).

Its not really clear from your post if your husband actually has either an alcohol or drug addiction or is in a period of anxiety that is not being handled and he is self medicating.

Either way, he should go to a GP.

Ask him what he is ordering from Amazon. Talk to him about his need to self medicate and see will he agree to go to his GP. Whether he goes to the GP or not, you need to get some tools for yourself to cope - unfortunately support group meetings like Alanon etc are not currently on with the pandemic, but you could certainly see a counsellor yourself to help you process and decide where you want to go from here.

I think the first thing to do is to attempt an open and honest conversation with your husband, if he wont engage with you on it then you need to make your own plans.

I've talked to him more about this today.

He says that indeed it wasn't Amazon but some website that's based in India/China/Thailand and where he can get the medicine cheap. I told him it's illegal and dangerous but he says he only care about getting high.

Would he be able to go to drug counselling while still maintaining his job? I'm not working at the moment

Sardonicat

addictedhusband wrote: »

I've talked to him more about this today.

He says that indeed it wasn't Amazon but some website that's based in India/China/Thailand and where he can get the medicine cheap. I told him it's illegal and dangerous but he says he only care about getting high.

Would he be able to go to drug counselling while still maintaining his job? I'm not working at the moment

Will he be able to maintain a job if continuously high?

He doesn't sound as though he acknowledges he has a problem and counselling wont do anything for him in that frame of mind.

corner of hells

addictedhusband wrote: »

I've talked to him more about this today.

He says that indeed it wasn't Amazon but some website that's based in India/China/Thailand and where he can get the medicine cheap. I told him it's illegal and dangerous but he says he only care about getting high.

Would he be able to go to drug counselling while still maintaining his job? I'm not working at the moment

He would be able to attend a drug counselor, his employer may have an EAP that may benefit him.
I attended counselling and EAP for a period of time a few years ago and got benefit from it .
However he has to want to address his issues , his first port of call is going to have be his GP to look at some form of support plan for him.

In the meantime yourself have quick look online at articles about supporting him , even a look at a "wheel of change" type piece might give you an idea or two.

MissShihTzu

That's an awful lot to be coping with, OP especially with a baby. I really feel for you. But you need to have your wits about you now.

I'm more than a little alarmed to read that your husband 'only cares about getting high'. You need to have a really good talk with him and ask why. He has a baby to consider. You're not working. How are the finances handled and by whom? If your husband is handling the finances, it might be a good idea for you to take them over and have a really good look at where your money is going.

I'm also seriously alarmed by the fact your husband is almost certainly getting his tablets on the dark web. These tablets are not always what they seem and are often cut with other stuff that isn't exactly good for you, or in quantities that would NEVER be prescribed legally. There are also fake tablets out there. How does he know what he's getting? And have you considered the consequences if he's unlucky enough to have such a package intercepted by Customs?

Your husband need to speak to his GP as he needs a plan to get him off this stuff whatever it is. But you can't force him, sadly. He has to want the help.

You also need to speak to someone. Either have a chat to your GP or find some cheap counselling over the phone.

Look after yourself - I do hope things work out.

Matlock637

addictedhusband wrote: »

I was hoping I could get some help. I've been married to a lovely man for 3 years and we have a one year old baby.

Everything in the marriage has been going fine except for one thing, I noticed when we first lived together that my husband drank quite a lot. He's not a binge drinker and is very responsible (doesn't shout or drink and takes care of the baby). however he does have a drink at least once or two drinks when at home or on the weekend.

This wasn't an issue until this year when double tragedy struck. His elderly mother passed away in February so the doctor gave him some anti-anxiety pill, Xanax. He started mixing it with alcohol and then vomiting on himself/puking. I told him that he may have an issue and that he needs to speak to a counselor but he refused and said the medication will be fine.

He went back to the GP but he refused to give him more as he said that those medicines are addictive so he stopped until the pandemic began. I lost my job but luckily he still has his.

During this pandemic, I've seen him increase the amount of alcohol he drinks and to my horror, I see that he's gone so far as to ordering Xanax from the internet. Every month, he's been ordering around 50 tablets from Amazon.

I'm really worried. I've told my friend and she said I should leave him but I have no one where to go. My parents are far away and I don't have much money. I want to help my husband but fear that he may end up overdosing/losing his job and us ending up homeless with a baby to take care of. What do I do?

He needs greif counselling, these drugs are "helping" him cope.
Benzobuddies.org is a peer support group to help with benzos,, create an account, tell them and they will help in regards withdrawing from Xanax ,,don't read the storys ,some mite freak you out.
All the best to your family.

9db3xj7z41fs5u

Matlock637 wrote: »

He needs greif counselling, these drugs are "helping" him cope.
Benzobuddies.org is a peer support group to help with benzos,, create an account, tell them and they will help in regards withdrawing from Xanax ,,don't read the storys ,some mite freak you out.
All the best to your family.

It goes without saying that you try and help him through this patch. However, he is on a slippery slope. I think that if he does not have insight, then it is a very tricky situation, and you are fighting against the tide! As you are well aware, poor OP, put it to him that he could die from the potentially lethally combination and you would be left as a single parent! Try to support him and if he doesn’t want to take it, then offer an ultimatum. A whole family can be dragged down by a family’s drinking. In the interim, you can confide in your GP and consider AlAnon. Take care of yourself!

pwurple

I'd take this pretty seriously.

Internet benzos... think about the worst case, contamination with an unknown psychotic drug. He could have a psychotic break, bad trip, whatever you want to call it. Start hallucinating, strangle you and the baby one night while not in his right mind. He has no idea what's in those and is risking all of your lives by taking unregulated drugs that affect his mental state. Or consider the longer term effects of benzo misuse, degenerative brain disease. Even if it IS actual Xanax, the long term effects of overuse are not to be sniffed at. Memory problems, difficulty with concentration, speaking, and coordination if he keeps it up. Job will be gone and you'll be a carer to a brain damaged invalid for the rest of your life. I think you need to stand up for yourself, you're a mother now, you have to look out for the baby too. I'd have some very strong words for him in your place I can tell you.

Get an escape plan ready, put aside some running away money and get ready to protect yourself and your child. Loss or no loss, he needs to put his family first and focus on getting mentally healthy. Get out of there if he doesn't take steps in the direction of resolving it. You've plenty of good advice on where to direct him in this thread. Don't let it slide.

Lux23

I am sure it is just generic xanax, and not something that is going to send him mental.

The xanax and drinking are the solutions he has found to the horrible sadness he is dealing with at the moment, so although it is hard to ignore, I think you need to help him see that he needs to get counselling for his grief. I would try and focus on that first. If he doesn't come around then maybe you need to consider getting his family involved or friends that might be good at talking sense to him? I know from experience that male partners tend to think the women in their life are alarmists, so a more stern hand might work.

I am sorry for you, I hope you can get some support yourself.

pwurple

Lux23 wrote: »

I am sure it is just generic xanax, and not something that is going to send him mental.

Sorry, I don't want to drag off-topic but that's a dangerous statement, please disregard that OP.

How can someone be "sure" that these drugs are safe? Call Heath Ledger, Whitney Housten, Anna Nicole Smith up from beyond the grave and tell them they're not dead afterall?

Regulators are in place for a reason, to ensure safety and that you're getting the correct medicine. Second guessing that is taking a crazy risk.


We can be sure there is widespread contamination and errors leading to overdose and addiction because there is evidence of it, for years. Xanax (or alprazolam) ranks third globally currently for faked drugs.

Your husband may be lucky enough to avoid that, certainly, but be "sure", it's not safe.


Hospitalisations, violent personality changes and deaths are all part of this.
https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/six-schoolgirls-rushed-to-hospital-from-wandsworth-s-burntwood-school-after-taking-too-much-of-the-antianxiety-drug-xanax-a3759256.html

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/warning-over-tranquilliser-drug-xanax-as-death-toll-rises-w5jls950m

ILoveYourVibes

I think he needs an intervention. But tbh op ...people dont change unless they want to.

You are in a horrible position.

screamer

if drugs are all he cares about, get out of there. the first step in any addiction recovery is admitting you have a problem And need help. if he doesn't want help, won't seek it out and is risking his life with illegal meds, and putting your fsmily at risk as tge sole earner, its pointless. if youre not working antways, pack up and head for your parents. perhaps leaving will make him realise he must change, perhaps not, but either way protect yourself and your baby from his damaging addiction.

ILoveYourVibes

screamer wrote: »

if drugs are all he cares about, get out of there. the first step in any addiction recovery is admitting you have a problem And need help. if he doesn't want help, won't seek it out and is risking his life with illegal meds, and putting your fsmily at risk as tge sole earner, its pointless. if youre not working antways, pack up and head for your parents. perhaps leaving will make him realise he must change, perhaps not, but either way protect yourself and your baby from his damaging addiction.

She just lost her job tho.

Lux23

If a family member could take her in, it might not be the worst idea. He sounds like he is a decent man going through something tough, but it is very hard to reach someone in that space.

tara73

Lux23 wrote: »

If a family member could take her in, it might not be the worst idea. He sounds like he is a decent man going through something tough, but it is very hard to reach someone in that space.

I don't think I would call anyone decent who has a young family at home, a baby and a wife and who is actually saying all he cares about is getting high / taking drugs, ordering the hell what from the dark net. Sorry, but this is the epitome of stupidity, irresponsibility etc. and the opposite of decent.

We all go more or less through tough times, no need to act like that, there's professionel help out there, no question about it.



Different story being on your own and ruining yourself with drugs/stuff ordered from the dark net. Not nice either but at least no innocent kid/family you're damaging around.

JupiterKid

tara73 wrote: »

I don't think I would call anyone decent who has a young family at home, a baby and a wife and who is actually saying all he cares about is getting high / taking drugs, ordering the hell what from the dark net. Sorry, but this is the epitome of stupidity, irresponsibility etc. and the opposite of decent.

We all go more or less through tough times, no need to act like that, there's professionel help out there, no question about it.



Different story being on your own and ruining yourself with drugs/stuff ordered from the dark net. Not nice either but at least no innocent kid/family you're damaging around.

Unfortunately, and I should know this as I am a recovering alcoholic myself (nearly 2 years sober) - if one is in the grip of an addiction, responsibility for the family, children etc go out the window and the substance takes priority.

Guilting an alcoholic/addict into changing their ways by trying to make them see the consequences of their actions - in terms of its impact on family etc. whilst they are still in the grip of addiction rarely does any good whatsoever. They are too far gone in their addiction and need professional help.

OP - I would be very concerned about your husband, and would recommend that he talks to an addiction counselling service and go to a couple of AA meetings as a first step. If needs be, protect yourself and your young child by moving out and staying with family for a while. You can't force an addict into recovery - they have to want it themselves and sadly it often takes a complete "rock bottom" when they have lost everything or nearly everything - for them to want to change.

This is key: they have to want to change themselves.

Triangle

tara73 wrote: »

I don't think I would call anyone decent who has a young family at home, a baby and a wife and who is actually saying all he cares about is getting high / taking drugs, ordering the hell what from the dark net. Sorry, but this is the epitome of stupidity, irresponsibility etc. and the opposite of decent.

We all go more or less through tough times, no need to act like that, there's professionel help out there, no question about it.



Different story being on your own and ruining yourself with drugs/stuff ordered from the dark net. Not nice either but at least no innocent kid/family you're damaging around.

Whoa that's so unhelpful/judgemental.

Being in a similar position a couple of years ago, I think the post of preparing an exit while at the same time trying to get help and see if the situation is salvageable is a good plan.

It's not easy, but in the end you need to protect yourself and baby first. If you end up running yourself into the ground - who will mind your baby.

Hope things work out for you.

TheBoyConor

I'd have him kicked out of the house on his ear if he was bringing drugs into a house where there is a young child.

Think of your baby and youself first. That man is a danger to you and your baby. There is no telling what he might do while coked out of his eyeballs some night. You and your child are in a highly dangerous situation and are in imminent danger of harm.

Could you go to your family, or a close friend who can keep your presence discreet? If not is there a womans and childrens refuge you can contact?

up for anything

OP, he's probably become an addict. Doctors generally don't prescribe Xanax for more than two weeks and even then at very very low doses because it's takes an incredibly short time for someone taking them to become an addict with their tolerance increasing also incredibly fast. Alprazolam (real or fake) usually comes in 1mg tablets or 2mg bars. So if he's ordering 50, of either dose tablet a month, and not supplementing, then he's still on a lowish dose if he's taking them every day but still addicted and his tolerance will increase and he'll need more to get the same effect. If he's just using them to party with alcohol then I wonder how many times he's doing that over the month? He may not be addicted if he's just partying but he could be dependent on the good feeling which is a hairs breath from addiction. Do you know what way he is taking them?

How do you know he was ordering them online? Did you actually see 'an order' or did he tell you that?

I've been dealing with a close family member who has been addicted to Xanax for about four years. It's easy and 'cheap' to buy on the street. He is more likely buying it there than on the web because I am certain sure that if you could buy it online my lad would have been doing so. Now, you have me thinking did I miss that. Addicts are very clever when it comes to hiding things. If your husband is getting them from the web then it's more than likely he's going to be caught at some stage. An Post hold packages and sniffer dogs are brought into the sorting office on a regular basis to check out the parcels and packages. Then you'll have the guards calling to where you live and court in his future plus that will cut off that particular avenue of supply and he will be going to the street if he hasn't already.

Xanax on its own is bad enough but when it's combined with alcohol you will be dealing with a complete stranger and not the man you once knew. Very rapidly quickly he will become a more angry, unpredictable and inhibition free stranger and you will be extremely vulnerable while trying to protect your child. Then there's the fact that it can be cut with anything from rat poison to heroin. Also there is the danger of multi-drug use. Tablets are relatively cheap but if he pads out a binge with some MDMA (Ecstasy) which is cheap too then you could find yourself listening to someone in the grip of hallucinations. It's very frightening and not pleasant.

I have tried everything, found all the help available, all the counsellors, outreach workers, in-patient treatment, I have done everything to get him help. He doesn't want it. He pretends he does. He makes excuses for why he takes the damn tablets. I didn't listen, couldn't listen to the experienced people who told me that only he can help himself. It doesn't matter how much help you find, how much support you give to the point of losing your own health, how much shit you take in the hope of him copping on. Until he wants to get help, he won't and if you force it on him he will probably pretend to cooperate until he can't be arsed pretending anymore.

I sit in a Family Support Group meeting on a weekly basis with others like myself with a family member in addiction and it's the only thing which has kept me sane because there you hear other people's stories and come to realise that the only thing you can do is mind yourself. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and sadly with drugs even if they genuinely want to be helped they can't always be. Those damn drugs get such a hold on some people.

My lad wants a normal life, wants to be like his friends, wants a nice girl, a steady job, wants to drive, wants to be off the guards radar, he desperately wants it all - he's not looking for the earth, just a plain ordinary day-to-day life but the pull of the drugs is so much stronger. Then there were suicide attempts when he felt hopeless - six in an eight week period and more besides.

Speaking as someone who has gone through supporting and trying to help someone with an addiction and is still going through it, I'm telling you that you need to make sure yourself and your baby are safe. You said he told you that he only cares about getting high. It's strange to find an honest addict but what he has told you is true. It doesn't matter how it started, it only matters that it will continue until he decides for himself to seek help and stick with it. That could take years and more rock bottoms than anyone can imagine or it may never happen.

You said that your parents are far away and you don't have much money. Do you have enough to go home? Could you go back to your parents to live? Would it be possible for you to make an independent life for you and your child back there with family support? Or else, you could ring Women's Aid and get advice on how to make yourself and your baby safe wherever you live now. You're not alone in this. There are many avenues of help once you make that first daunting call. It's not easy but both you and your child will find the ability to breath normally as you walk through your front door so much better than the anxiety and stress of living with the unpredictability of an addict even one that you love very much. You need to place the well-being of your child over that of your husband. He is an adult and well able to look after himself and as he told you all he cares about is getting high. Your child is vulnerable and needs you to protect them.

Sorry to have gone on and on but anyone who lives with an addict comes to realise that it doesn't matter what you do - it's them that has to want to get better. He needs to be the one to decide that he will go to the GP for help or to a counsellor for help. You can suggest it but he's got to want to do it. Anyone involved with people in addiction will tell you that if that person is accompanied by someone else when they look for help it usually means that they are not seeking it themselves. It's the person accompanying them... wife, husband, mother, father, friend who is desperate to help them.