How can I set boundaries between me and my sociopath co-worker?

KleeBomb

Just a heads up this post mentions pedophillia and sexual assault.

I (29 year old female) am worried that my (51year old female) co-worker will latch back on to me when I return to work next week.

She has serious boundary issues, is a compulsive liar and I'm very sure she's a sociopath.

She latched on to me very soon after she started at my office late last year, she offered to give me a lift home and I thought it would be a nice way to get to know each other. Ever since then she seems to think we're very close friends and is extremely possessive of me and gets very jealous if I get a lift from or have lunch with someone else. She also gets aggressive when people disagree with her and let's just say she gets all her medical knowledge from facebook.

She lies on a near hourly basis, usually to make herself look good but more often to make other people look bad, even people she likes, like me. But strangely she lies about completely mundane things too, telling different lies to different people about the same thing, even if people who witnessed the event are present.

As for her being a sociopath this is from her directly; in her pervious job as a supervisor, a young girl she(my co-worker) didn't like requested not to be put on the same shift as a man she was scared of, (my co-worker) put them on the same shift deliberately on a regular basis and the man allegedly sexually assaulted the girl. The girl quit after (my co-worker) defended the man, who was arrested for sexual assault of a minor and producing child porn a month or two later. (my co-worker) claims the girl was obviously lying since the man was interested in children and that she (my co-worker) did the right thing. She told this story very smugly and found the girls distress very amusing. I have more examples but I thought that one was pretty clear, whether it was a lie or not.

As for my side of the relationship I'm only polite to her, we have absolutely nothing in common, in fact she regularly insults my interests or lack of certain interests. Sometimes she makes assumptions about me and treats them as fact to other co-workers without ever having talked to me about it, assumptions like I can't wait to get married and I want loads of kids (I don't want either) not really harmful but very odd, like she's talking about a different person.

I never initiate contact, at work or over lockdown. When I do respond (when absolutely necessary) I keep it short and to the point and only relevant to work. It's actually quite a mystery as to why she's so interested in me, if someone acted this way to me I'd assume I was bothering them.

I'm a very very non-confrontational person and I'm genuinely worried that she'll make my life at work a living hell if I anger her, is there anyway to safely disengage from her? I can walk to work fine and with Covid I hope she'll stop pestering me about lifts, it's well known at work that I take the restrictions very seriously. I don't think switching teams will be an option in my job and I'd rather not have to since I have friends where I am.

I'm happy to provide more details as needed, thanks for reading.

Wanderer2010

Where is her manager in all of this? Surely someone like this who has severe mental health issues and is causing all manner of issues for her workmates needs to be taken to task by their manager? Or is it a case where the manager simply doesnt have the courage to tackle her, which most of them do lets be honest, or the manager may be related to this person and is therefore immune?

I would just keep going about my workday and only respond to work related emails with brief emails, make it clear you are only interested in work chat and nothing else. You have to take some initiative here and look after yourself.

the14thwarrior

need to talk to your manager re your concerns

and the grey rock method is good
keep doing what you are doing#
if she is known for what she does in work, no one will believe

however, having worked with someone like that before, my big mistake was that I could handle it, deal with it, and assumed fellow co workers were as sensible as I were. not so actually

you need to take some initiative here

Purple Mountain

Yes, I agree that I think she has mental health issues.
You still need to speak to a (mature and trusted) manager about this and keep it factual.
Have your concerns written down before you go in so you're not stuck for words when on the spot.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Have you seen the film “Notes on a Scandal”? It was on TV the other day; your story about your strange, older co-worker reminded me a lot of the story in the movie (not all its aspects, of course, just this older woman co-worker/obsessive relationship). See if you can get anything out if it in terms of what makes her tick, maybe. But more importantly, I agree with others: definitely speak to your manager, in a confidential capacity. See what they think. All the best with it.

Ticking and Bashing

''She lies on a near hourly basis, usually to make herself look good but more often to make other people look bad''

Has anyone stood up to challenge her (in a non-aggressive way) when she lies to make people look bad? (lying to make people look bad unfortunately is common and you need to stand up for yourself). She needs to be aware that it's not acceptable.

Second advice is to raise your concerns to your manager. They need to know how this is impacting team morale. You need to maintain a good relationship with your manager in case of any potential lies she's also making up about you. It'll be interesting to see how (or if) your manager deals with your co-worker - and based on this whether you want to stay in that work environment or leave.

LineConsole

Ignore her, brush her off, one word answers unless work related, no chit chat. If she wants help, you’re busy. Don’t say hello when you pass each other, eyes straight ahead, she’s a total stranger.

I know it’s probably against your nature to behave like this, but trust me, it works. She’ll soon get the message and latch onto someone else. No confrontation required.

Fakediamond

I agree with other posters, keep interactions to a minimum. Tell her NOTHING about yourself or your personal life, as it will be filed away for future use. Keep a diary at home, where you write down your concerns, it should include details of work issues where you know for sure that she lied, also any inappropriate personal comments/lies about you. Make sure you leave nothing lying around at work that she could find/read. Those types would have no problem going through your stuff when you’re not around.

Be aware that if you raise it formally with management, she will lie convincingly in any meetings and, unless you can prove your version of events, you could come out of it feeling worse. The contemporaneous diary helps though, as you have a record going back over time.

I feel for you, I have a narcissistic manager and it’s exhausting every day, trying to keep her at bay, watch my back and stay motivated to get the work done. The usual advice is to leave the job as you can never win and I would agree with this, get out if you can.

suicide_circus

It's very difficult to fire crazy people unless it's gross misconduct. Someone where i work is literally batsh1t crazy and has caused distress to loads of colleagues and there's very little management can do beyond "duty of care conversations"

cj maxx

1st thing imo is to walk to work, and ignore her offers of lifts. Say you're trying to get fitter / lose weight but definitely cut all non work related ties.
I've no experience in office politics, but I'd be pretty sure others also know what she is like, and have seen her latch onto people before you came along.

Purple Mountain

^ Covid is the perfect excuse to not take lifts from her after Christmas.
Make no apologises and be firm and just say that after the sky rocket in cases over Christmas, you're going to make your own arrangements to get to/from work.
But you have to be firm with someone like her. Just say no and stick to it.

LilacNails

What purple mountain says ^^^

When saying no, a good tip to make it a firm no is to explain clearly, sticking to facts that u will not be taking a lift from her anymore, that u appreciate she is trying to help but u want urself and others to be safe, so that's what u have decided to do. Thank them again....... And run! Ha... I can imagine she might keep insisting and persisting u to hop in the car, try not to entertain or engage with that kind of dialogue... If u can get ur point across clear and politely... And not back down, eventually she should get the message.

Pistachio19

If she offers you a lift you have the perfectly reasonable excuse with covid to say no - whether numbers of cases are high or low countrywide doesn't matter. You don't want to take any risks, end of. At work try not to be in a room alone with her if that's possible. That way any conversations will be overheard especially as a 2m distance has to be adhered to so you all need to speak that bit louder. Dont engage with her outside of work hours. Don't reply to texts and if she asks about it, just say you switch off from work as soon as you walk out of the office. Whether the texts are work related or not is irrelevant - she's a work colleague so you can assume any texts are about work.