Spoiled Child = Non Functioning Adult

LegacyUser

After many years battling with anxiety and depression I think i'm finally getting to the bottom of what makes me the way I am. Through some fairly hard hitting counselling it seems the troubles stem from being overly spoiled and attached to my mother. From this I have developed a codependancy on the women in my life. Starting with my early girlfriends, through to my wife and ultimately to the woman I left my wife for. I believe that relationship came about through my needs not being fulfilled at home. Beyond this, and because of this, I have always yearned for external validation in everything I do. I am incapable of accepting myself or my own validation and pin this responsibility on other people. When I do not get it I either lash out or my anxiety is triggered which feeds into my depression and in extreme cases my suicidal thoughts.

To be honest having discovered this 20 years into adulthood is quite a relief as I can finally piece together why I did certain things or felt certain ways. I know I have a huge amount of work ahead of me but I post here in the hopes that someone has some pointers to material or anything that can help me towards internally validating myself. I am continuing to see the counsellor but with Christmas now there is quite a break and I am feeling quite low and overwhelmed.

December2012

I think the Counsellor will help you on that journey to see what works for you.

HildaOgdenx

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling low. This is an especially tough time of year, in many ways, for many people.

Perhaps email the counsellor and ask if they can send on some recommendations, when they get a chance.

Also you might find some useful material/ discussion here. All the best

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=604

wiggle16

Could you explain what you mean by internal validation? I don't mean that in a snide way at all, I just don't understand the term.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Could you explain what you mean by internal validation? I don't mean that in a snide way at all, I just don't understand the term.

In simple terms external validation is all that "calms" me. A well done from my boss, affection from a partner, that like of Facebook. Not getting this has the opposite effect and results in anger and anxiety.

I suppose by internal validation I mean I am unhappy/uninterested in my own achievements. If I did a jigsaw it wouldn't be for myself it'd be to receive the external feedback. The extreme of this is that I am not comfortable in my own company, I need people to be around me and validating my existence.

December2012

While you are waiting to discuss this with your mental health professional, could you start with simple things. Such as giving yourself praise for every little thing. Even if it helps say it outloud, or praise yourself in the third person. For example, it is a very good sign that you posted here looking for extra resources when you knew that you were at a low end. Self awareness is a powerful tool.

Another thing that could help fill up your tank is making lists. Make a list of everything positive that you accomplished.

A question for you to think about - are you your own friend? Do you treat yourself well, the way that a friend would?

bitofabind

Hey OP. Sounds like you’re a lot further into this journey than a lot of people. The majority of folks just walk around wounded their entire lives, following destructive patterns and reacting to triggers that were set in motion decades ago, looking for external validation, instant gratification, anything that will prevent them from having to feel vulnerable.

The quick answer is that this is deeply uncomfortable and painful work without any kind of linear healing path and certainly without a quick set of tips that will immediately alleviate this need. I’ve been in therapy a few years now and the difference in me is night and day, and I still am finding Christmas with my family incredibly hard. This is totally normal. We can regress to old dynamics and when you have a level of awareness it can make it doubly hard. What helps for me is to feel compassion for myself. When you’re a child you’re completely dependent on your caregivers and have no control over the environment you were in. How sad and painful that this instilled all these unhelpful beliefs and behaviours in you for the rest of your life. That is hard and produces complicated emotions, especially at this time of year.

What helps next is to show up for yourself as the adult that you now are. You are no longer helpless and unsafe. You’re an adult man with agency and autonomy and the power to look after yourself. Try to ask yourself in these moments, what do you really need? Boundaries with your mother will help. 5 minutes of deep breathing really helps me. Walking by the sea is a real healer for me too. And sometimes a simple affirmation is all I need. “I am ok. I am safe.” It’s good to use the awareness you now have of this pattern to act as an observer too. Sometimes I’ll tell myself, “oh, this is the part where I tell myself I’m not good enough” etc. Just being aware of the pattern can help you to quickly come out of it and back to your adult self.

Best of luck. You’re on a journey now and key to this growth is being gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Matlock637

Spoiled Child wrote: »

After many years battling with anxiety and depression I think i'm finally getting to the bottom of what makes me the way I am. Through some fairly hard hitting counselling it seems the troubles stem from being overly spoiled and attached to my mother. From this I have developed a codependancy on the women in my life. Starting with my early girlfriends, through to my wife and ultimately to the woman I left my wife for. I believe that relationship came about through my needs not being fulfilled at home. Beyond this, and because of this, I have always yearned for external validation in everything I do. I am incapable of accepting myself or my own validation and pin this responsibility on other people. When I do not get it I either lash out or my anxiety is triggered which feeds into my depression and in extreme cases my suicidal thoughts.

To be honest having discovered this 20 years into adulthood is quite a relief as I can finally piece together why I did certain things or felt certain ways. I know I have a huge amount of work ahead of me but I post here in the hopes that someone has some pointers to material or anything that can help me towards internally validating myself. I am continuing to see the counsellor but with Christmas now there is quite a break and I am feeling quite low and overwhelmed.

I'm in the same boat.
Self-actualization is the holey grail,,check out maslows hierarchy of needs .
You need a qualified physcologist to assess you, keep the councilor for support.
Research the phsycologist before booking ,,they need to have experience, in my opinion anyone under 40 don't go near .I seen a guy who was young and I was furious when I left, I should of reported him for how he went on .Nice but useless for my needs.you mite only need a couple sessions to get your head around it .there more expensive than therapists or councilors .
Put self actualization and codependancy into youtube and youl find good material. Youtube is basically an encyclopedia.
Take care